'If you die, fine, but I have to text while driving!'

Every time I drive to a show out of town, I see people texting and driving. I'm not talking about in the city, people will check their phone at a red light. I'm talking that I constantly see people on the HIGHWAY, Checking their phones, slightly moving into a new lane until they catch themselves and switch back, doing SIXTY FIVE.

'Maybe you're only driving on highways that very important doctors drive on, Nathan?'

Thought of that. Looked at the signs, and found out that's not the case.

'Maybe you're driving on the private highways that are used exclusively by surgeons and EMT's?' Nope, just the regular old highways where a dude who works at Ruby Tuesdays doesn't think he needs to give all of his attention to the speeding ton of metal he's driving. The same highways as you, and the same highways that we should all be paying attention too while DRIVING ON THEM. 

Other people on the road have to be put at risk because you have to respond to a 'what you doing?' text? Others have to maybe become toast because you're typing 'Nothing. Just driving. You?' THAT'S important enough to put people's lives on the line, including your own? THAT'S important enough to take your eyes off of controlling a huge piece of metal that you're SITTING IN? 

There are fines for texting while driving. I've seen some as high as $300. Do I think that's enough? Nope. No way. You should be taken right off the road for texting and driving. PIT maneuver by the police. Swerved into a ditch the way you were going to swerve another family off the road if you kept texting. That too far? Fine. The punishment should be being locked away for two weeks. Two weeks in jail, WITH your phone. Keep it, BUT, no charger. That is the ULTIMATE punishment for people who can't get off their phone. Having to ration use? They can't deal with that. 

'Ah man, I can only like two pictures on Instagram a day. How am I going to survive?! You can't treat people like this! Take me out back and shoot me! SHOOT ME!' 

Everyone knows this is bad, but some people just don't care. Now though, car companies are putting wifi in their cars. WIFI, IN THEIR CARS. Nobody will be putting their phone down.

'Do you know whey I pulled you over? You were texting while driving.'

'Yeah, but officer, I have WIFI?'

'... Huh.... Well give me your license and network password. I have sports scores to check while I run your plates.'

Worst is, some people aren't even texting! Some people are NOT even responding to 'important' texts. Some people are just scrolling through twitter or instagram. Some monsters are out there scrolling through pictures of asses while switching lanes on a highway. Kids to the right of them, mothers to the left, and they are pressing the heart icon on a grilled cheese sandwich. Liking status updates while DRIVING AN AUTOMOBILE. 

'I agree, Timmy. It IS cold out here today. Cold out here as it is in my heart, where I believe I'm the only one on this two lane speed fest.'

Some people are for SURE sexting while driving. Some guy is rock hard, pressing send on eggplant and fire combination emojis while switching lanes. 

'If I get to you before I cause a four car pile up, my GOD the dick I'm gonna lay down.'

The numbers of accidents caused while someone's driving drunk and the numbers for accidents caused while someone is texting while driving have to be pretty close. HAVE to be. Texting while driving is worse. It's worse because when you're drunk, you barely know what's up. You wake up wondering what happened the night before. 'Did I drive? Oh Christ.' You don't wake up that way after texting. 'Did I respond to ALL of those texts? Jesus. I hate myself.' 

ONLY time texting while driving is okay is if you're drunk. If you are drunk, you are not of sound mind. Other than that, get it together, man. Put your phone down. Stop sending '100' emojis. Focus your blurred over, vodka'd up head on the road.

Commercials for drunk driving say 'hey, get a cab, and you can throw up in someone else's car.' They don't attack texting and driving like that. They never say, 'Get an Uber and text your face off on your way home, AND throw up in someone else's car.' Why not? Should be.

'Look, you're an ape who can't put down the shiny thing even while operating a motor vehicle? Great. Call this person, sit in the back of their motor vehicle, and use your ape hands to text other apes about nothing. Be responsible.' 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Kanye Has To Cum For You?

Kanye West flipped on Twitter. Whatever. Amber Rose said she put her finger in his ass. Cool. The problem? PEOPLE flipped at that point. People thought it was nuts that Amber Rose and Kanye West (two adults who can do what they like) would do something INSANE like play with butts. Their own butts. The butts they own and operate. The butts they lay claim to. The butts that in Jurassic Park, when Samuel L. Jackson says 'Hold on to your butts,' they would have held on to. 

Kanye, a straight man who makes great music, isn't allowed to have a hot straight woman put a finger in his ass? That's wrong somehow? What does a man have to give to the world until he is able to come on his terms? Ten great albums? A thousands hit singles? Billions of beats before he can do the things that make him come, instead of coming for you and your weird thoughts? WHY MUST HE COME FOR YOU? Why must everyone in society come to the same things that you come to? You're into super tiny women whose collar bones could cut through a t-shirt? Good. Come to them. Some people would rather toss their dick in a furnace than jerk to tiny baby women, but the world widely accepts tiny baby women, so apparently everyone should jerk to them. The whole universe decided that Princess whatever her name is is the epitome of what a woman should look like. Other people would rather make love to a beefeater hat. LET THEM ENJOY THE BEEFEATER HAT IF THAT'S WHAT THEY'D RATHER DO.

It's very sad whether the 'allegation' is true or not, that a 'finger in the butt' can be used as an attack against a man. And that this man, KNOWING this can be used as an attack, feels that he has to respond with 'I don't do that' or 'I don't even have an ass.' That's insane. Man's rich, can do what he wants. Should come out and say, 'Yep! Finger in the ass, money in the bank!' 

So many people are coming for other people. So many people are out there, dating types of people that are widely accepted by society, solely so they are not judged or feel weird. There is for sure a person out there who only want to date little people, only attracted to little people, but are dating regular sized people because society hasn't deemed little people completely okay to be seen with yet unless you are also a little person. So THIS person, is dating regular people for you! Coming for you! And do YOU thank them? No! All you do is see them and STILL judge who they are with and what they're doing. You should say SOMETHING.

'Hey buddy! I know you can only REALLY come if you're with a woman who's 6'5", but personally I find that disgusting and I'm thankful as HELL you didn't bring one of those monstrous freaks into this bar. You brought a regular-height lady, who doesn't hurt MY sensibilities and limited brain, and for THAT, I thank you. Here's a free drink for coming at about a thirty percent.'

Some people think that butt stuff is a gay thing. That is insanely stupid. If a straight woman, does something to a straight man, it CANNOT be a gay thing by definition. A gay thing is between two members of the same sex. A woman could throw a beer can into a man's butt and it's not gay. A woman could jam a door handle into a man and that's not gay. IT'S SEX BETWEEN TWO STRAIGHT PEOPLE. Are two straight people kissing gay? Why not? Gay people kiss. If a woman jerks your bag with her hand, is that gay? WHY THE HELL NOT? A gay man is out there jerking another gay man's bag. WHY IS IT ONLY WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO A BUTT IT'S GAY OR CONSIDERED A GAY THING? Gay people do all of these other sex things as well. Gay people pay their bills! Is paying your bills some kind of gay thing?

'Dude, you're not gonna give your money to Time Warner, are you? I thought I knew you.'

What is everyones issue with butts? What is your problem with butts? WHY ARE YOU ABOVE HAVING THINGS OR PEOPLE OR PLACES IN YOUR BUTT? 

'Don't put that in my butt. Stop touching my butt! MY BUTT IS A PASSAGE WAY TO JESUS!'

Look, it's 2016. How many times can you go the ol' regular penis to vagina route. The OL' penis to mouth. The ever-ready vagina to mouth. The OLLLLLLLL' standard hand to penis and vagina. CHRIST. How good is your phone going to get? How FAST is the internet going to be? We've done it all, okay? You've come the same way for years. Time to go to the butt! Everyone! All of us! Straight people! Men, women! EVERYONE. One day, people are going to look back on this time, the time that there were COUNTless articles about 'People are into butt stuff now!' and call us all losers. A finger in the butt is the craziest thing you've ever heard? Are you twelve? Then fine, I get it. But if you are an adult, and finger in the butt is the CRAZIEST thing you've ever heard, it must be nice to live in such put together world. 

If you pay taxes and you care about what another person does with their butt, you're nuts. If you don't pay taxes and you care about what someone puts in their butt, grow up. Or at the VERY least, if a person does a butt thing, for GOD'S sake, let them have that. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

FOUR PEOPLE WHO PICK THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS

There is outrage this year over the Oscar nominations. Last year as well. It seems every year there are nominations that people don't understand, nominations people miss, and flat out snubs. Which begs the questions, WHO are these people who choose the nominations? Where do they dig up these people, and why do we never see them? Why do they never come out and defend their choices, or sit at a Starbucks, or be seen in public AT ALL around regular human people who watch movies? It seems as though the Academy really wants judges who nobody knows, who are locked up in a cage, only watching and judging movies. Well, with a lot of digging, favours, and bribes, I was able to find out who four of the Oscar judges are.

THE GATEKEEPER OF OZ

This man is very elusive. He has a cushy job working for the Wizard, and when he's not there he's shopping online for green clothing. Only one group of a scarecrow, a talking lion, a man made of tin who needs a heart for some reason even though he's tin and tin cannot sustain a heart, and a woman who floated on a tornado have seen him. He lives in a fictitious world that none of us occupy and this is EXACTLY why the Academy reached out to him. Since 1939, he has helped the Academy choose movies, and since 1939, he's never been seen again. 

Favourite Movie: The one he was in. 

PEARL, THE GIANT VAMPIRE FROM BLADE

Pearl has been picking these movies for a long time. I mean, LOOK at him. This is a full time job for him. It's also why you never see him. He takes this job very seriously. He sits in a room, no clothes on, just eating, and watching movies. And he's a tough critic! Only likes foreign films and buddy cop movies, which he has been FIGHTING to get nominations for since Rush Hour. Once, in 1998, when he was watching Titanic to make a decision on best film of that year, Blade kicked in his door and burned him with a UV lamp. He finished the movie with a horrible burn, and even with the thought of third degree burns still in his head, he voted for it and Titanic took home the gold that year. 

Favourite Movie: Not Blade. 

THE GHOST OF JD SALINGER

JD Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye, a book that made three people kill other people, and made a lot of students write a lot of essays. After JD wrote the book, he moved into the mountains and became a recluse. He famously hated the public and wanted to be alone. People thought he was writing. Wrong. Once the Academy found out that he wasn't apart of society anymore, they reached out to him to help decide Oscar nominations. For years he lived amongst the trees and chose movies. He passed away in 2010, but with Ouija boards, the Academy reaches out to him every year in the afterlife to ask him his opinion. 

Favourite Movie: Books. 

FIDO DIDO, THE 7UP GUY

In the 90s, this crude drawing had it all. Fame, money, respect, crudely drawn women by his side. He was everywhere and everyone loved him. Then, as the 2000s rolled around and Nelly became hot, people didn't find the need to have small pencil marks tell them which beverage to buy. That, and also a scandal involving him and the brown M&M, left Fido Dido without a job and he went into hiding. THIS is when the Academy reached out to him about Oscar nominations. Fido now lives on a piece of paper, sending in his nominations on smaller pieces of paper. He's big on Pixar movies and yells every year that 'actors faces no longer need to be seen!' The Academy thinks other wise. 

Favourite movie: Aladdin And The King Of Thieves (He hands indicate how close he was to being in it.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh