9 TIMES I WOULD HAVE DIED IN THE REVENANT

The Revenant is a great movie, and also made me think of how many times I would have died in the 1800's. I wouldn't have made it anywhere. People say they wouldn't be able to sleep inside of a dead horse. I'd be done a LONG time before I'm thrown off the cliff on a horse.

WALKING IN A RIVER WEARING FUR

You ever try walking through a river? Not the easiest. Have you ever tried walking through a river while you're wrapped up in comforters? It's PRETTY tough. So if you're draped in a dead bear and have to cross a river? Not happening. First time someone said we had to cross this river, I'd say where's the bridge? They'd say stop being a baby, walk the river, and I'd say, NOPE! Good night, friends. I'm laying here until I'm dead like the bear I'm wearing. 

WEARING WET MOCCASINS 

If today, in 2016, I'm going somewhere and I step in a puddle, I'm going home. That's the end of going to wherever I was going to. No more friends house, bank trip, grocery store, wherever. It's toast. People in The Revenant are constantly in and out of cold rivers wearing cloth shoes. No socks, just the hide of a mir cat or whatever. You step out of a river, and don't dry off, just keep walking a trail? Nope. Not me. First step in a river wearing the skin of a cat, I'm laying down and waiting for trench foot or whatever to kill me. 

HAVING DRY MOCCASINS

I mean, moccasins? You kidding me? A flappy little shoe while walking in the wilderness? No arch support? No air bubbles for cushioning? Just deer hide tied around your foot? No way. No different colours to stand out amongst the other people walking through the woods with you? No different brands? Can't do it. Your foot is going to feel AWFUL stepping on sticks and rocks. If I have to wear the same dirt animal skin on my foot as everyone else, I'm out. I'm laying down and waiting for Adidas to exist.

SLEEPING OUTSIDE

I can't. Once houses with electricity and running water became real, the woods became a place we should only ever be lost in. The woods are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half. I can barely sleep in a hotel room, but the woods? On the ground, beside some trees that animals pee on? And that's NOW, but if I had to sleep with no sleeping bags and inside a couple of sticks put together with fur draped over it? Can't do it. I'll lay on the ground and wait for apartment buildings. 

THE WOODS ARE EVERYWHERE

So, the woods, which are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half are the ONLY thing around? What are we walking for? Why are we continuing on this journey only to get to more trees? I'm done. I like cities. I like people. I like houses. I like looking down a road and seeing SOMETHING. I like looking down a road! Not just a trail of death to nothing. Just walking through the woods, only to get to more woods? Yuck. What would be the point?

'Hey, where are we?'

'The woods.'

'And where are we going?'

'It's all woods, broheem.'

Goodnight, world. I would lay down and wait for the future and cities to be built around me.

EATING A BISON HEART

Not today, daddy. I've walked out of a sandwich place that didn't have avocado. I can't eat a raw bison heart. If someone throws you a raw bison heart, you can't ask them for hot sauce, a plate, avocado, bread. Nothing. If they had ANY of that, they wouldn't have thrown you a raw bison heart. They'd toss a side as well. But there's none of that. It's The Revenant. No Franks Red Hot, no paper plates. So a raw bison heart? No, sir. I'm using the bison heart as a pillow, and going to sleep on it until restaurants happen. 

LIGHTING A FIRE

I was in boy scouts, and it would be nice to say that if I'm alone in the woods and it gets dark, I can light a fire and stay warm. Be nice to say, but not true at all. In boy scouts I learned that you might have to sell apples outside of a liquor to raise money. I learned I can't tie any knots. I learned that if your parents are the scout leaders, then your cub car is a winner no matter what. Didn't learn how to light a fire out of nothing. First night in the woods where a fire is needed? That's it. I'm laying down, and waiting for cold death to take me out.

FIRST CAMP ATTACK

So I just killed a deer, and I hear that people are clearly attacking the camp that I am supposed to drag this deer back to. Do I leave the deer and head back to fight? NOPE. I stay with the deer until the heat dies down, then I go back to the camp and check all my dead friends for hot sauce. I sit down, I cook the deer, douse it in hot sauce and that's it. I run out of deer? I wait for jesus to come and take me. 

NO GLOVES

No one is The Revenant has gloves. At least not good gloves. They have a cows uterus or an eagles skinned back wrapped around their hands, but that's not enough. That's not insulated. There's no heat tech there. They didn't have gloves or pockets. If you'r wearing the fur of a dead animal without gloves? You also have no pockets to tuck your hands into. If I'm walking around in the freezing cold with no gloves or no pockets? I'm going home. If I'm doing that AND having to fight off bears and old man winter? I'm done. I'm laying down and waiting for frost bite to take me away. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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Superman Can Beat Batman

Batman VS Superman

Batman VS Superman is coming. Batman, known for having a belt with stuff in it is going to fight Superman, a man with all of the powers that imagination can come up with. Batman has a car. Superman can eat a car. Batman has money. Superman only has a day job to fit in with the rest of us goblins. He doesn't need it. Not even to pay his rent. 

'Hey, Clark, rent is due.'

' ...And?'

'What do you mean 'And'? Pay your rent or I'll throw your ass on the stre...'

'Get away from my door.'

'Are you crazy? This is MY door until you pay your ren...'

Clark sets his hands on fire.

'.... You got it, pal. Your door, your apartment, your all of it. JESUS I gotta do better background checks.'

The ONLY reason these two can meet up is that Superman has stupid morals. The guy is a wienie. Super wienie. He won't just grab people and kick through their chest. Even though he can, the power that is the strongest within him is the power that a religious mother instills in you. Morals. And because those are so strong, a movie like 'Batman VS Superman' can exist. 

Not sure why this is feasible, but people say that it's nuts that Rocky fought in Rocky Balboa. People were happy that Rocky didn't fight in Creed. People couldn't have bought the fact that a 69 year old man could box again. And sure, that is a bit nuts, but people are very excited to see a movie about a man who could rip ANYONE on the planet in half with his breath. ESPECIALLY people without powers that aren't connected to their bank accounts. 

There are COUNTLESS ways that Superman could beat Batman. Here are a few. 

CANCEL BRUCE WAYNE'S BANK ACCOUNTS

You want to stop Batman? Take his money. Without money he's just a guy who knows how to fight and is sad about his dead parents. Superman can walk into a bank, and say 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' When the teller says, 'I can't do that without Mr. Wayne's authorization', Superman uses his breathe to to freeze a pen, snaps it in half, and says, 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' That account is now frozen, and Bruce is siphoning gas in a Target parking lot. 

THROW HIM INTO THE SUN

Batman runs at Superman to hit him with a Judo kick, Superman grabs his leg and throws him into the sun. Batman dies well before he hits the sun, but his lifeless body hits it and bursts into flames. Or while Batman is cruising the city, Superman can fly under the Batmoblie, pick it up, and throw it into the sun. One minute, Batman is listening to Metallica's Enter Sandman, getting in the mood to bust perps, next he's turned to nothing by the sun. 

FREEZE HIM AND SMASH HIS FROZEN BODY

While Bruce Wayne is asking Alfred to get him a glass of orange juice, Superman smashes through his ceiling and lands behind him.

'Hello, Bruce. Need some Vitamin C?'

'Ah god!'

Superman breathes on Bruce, who freezes from the floor to the top of his head. Alfred walks back in with the orange juice.

'Well, Master Wayne, I guess you don't need ice.'

Superman picks Bruce up and smashes him on the floor. Alfred takes a piece of Bruce and puts it into the juice and takes a sip. 

'Always thought you were a bit chilly, Master Wayne.'

TAKE HIM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA AND LEAVE HIM THERE

Batman's just woken up from a twenty minute nap he's taken. He stretches, and hits the floor to do his daily thousand push ups, and bam! Through the floor, comes Superman. 

'Damn you, Superman! I was just beginning my workout!'

'Well, now you're just beginning your drown out.'

'.... You're not very good at the one liners, are you?'

'Not my strong suit, you're right.'

Superman fly's Batman over the Atlantic ocean and dives towards the bottom. Batman holds his breath. As Superman is speeding to the bottom, Batman's head explodes from the pressure. Superman stands a headless Batman on his feet at the sea floor.

'Who'd not good at one liners now, Batman?! Who?!.... Me. Still me.' 

Kill Him With His Penis

Batman is sitting on a gargoyle, as he does, balancing himself while looking down over his city.

'Hmmmm... it's quiet.'

Superman floats in front of him.

'Hmmmm.... Superman.'

'Yes.'

Batman throws a batarang at Superman. Superman let's it hit him right in the teeth, laughs. 

'That's it, huh?'

Superman, in an uncharacteristic move, is wearing jeans. 

'Ziiiiiiiiiiip.'

Superman's penis flops out of the denim. 

'Look at it.'

Batman looks away.

'Look at it!'

Batman looks at his hands. 

'.... Just kill me.'

Superman wraps it around Batman's neck and chokes him. 

'Agh! Ahhhh!'

Batman reaches for his 'Superman Penis Around My Neck Repellent'. It's not there.

'Looking for this?'

Superman drinks the repellent while Batman dies. 

GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL BABY BATMAN

As baby Bruce stands there, watching his parents die in the street after being shot, Superman shows up.

'Hello, Bruce. This is the day that starts your transformation into Batman. And one day you will want me dead.'

'.... What? First off? There's a LOT going on right now. My parents were murdered, you just told me I'm going to be Bat.... Man.... and wow, you showed up out of nowhere and WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!'

'I'm your end.'

Superman grabs baby Bruce and rips him in half. 

SIMPLY BEAT HIM UP

Bruce is heading to his closet a suit for a black tie affair, and in flies Superman.

'Superman!'

'Batman.'

'Fight me.'

Batman throws a punch, Superman takes it, breaking Batmans hand. Superman then punches Batman in the head, it's over. Done. Super done. 

THROW A TOYOTA CAMRY AT BATMAN

Batman is sitting at home on his Batcomputer. He's looking up the latest on super criminals in the area. 

'Huh, the Joker donated a bunch of toys to a local charity. THAT can't be good.'

Superman is in Illinois. Shopping for baseballs. He decides, today is the day. He's going to kill Batman. As he leaves a Dick's Sporting Goods, he spots a Toyota Camry. 

'I'm going to throw your car at Batman's Batcave.'

'You ain't doing NOTHING to my ca....'

Superman picks up this mans car, and throws it at the Batcave. 

'Huh, Killer Croc has gone into real estate. Must keep an eye on h....'

Right then, a Toyota Camry comes crashing through his wall and kills him. 

Superman won't do any these things but thankfully, he won't have to kill Batman! Because in the trailer, it CLEARLY shows that WonderWoman shows up, says something like 'Are you boys going to keep having this dick measuring contest up or you going to take your dicks and put them together in the team up way that you're supposed to?' Batman and Superman then put down their rulers, tuck their dicks, shake hands, un tuck their dicks, and shake dicks. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Why I, Hilary Clinton, Dressed Like A Scarecrow

"Running for President is a tough thing. There are many factors to take into consideration. How will I keep the country safe?  How will I stop terrorism? How am I going to have a good crop this year? How will I keep my corn alive and free from devastating crows? Well, some of those I don't have the answer too, but one is easy. I KNOW how to keep crows away from my crops. Crows HATE burlap sacks. If a sack had potatoes in it, crows run the other way. So if I want to protect crops, I need to scare away crows. That is why I wore, a burlap sack. 

There are a LOT of places that crows can attack. It's not just the fields. Hell, you could be driving in your car on the highway and a crow could fly through your window. One minute you're listening to Steely Dan, the next your fighting a Steely eyed crow! Well, not me. A crow won't fly through MY drivers side window and change my radio station. I will wear crows kryptonite. I will wear, a burlap sack.

Guns are a huge issue in this country. Should we all have guns? Would the country be safer if every single human being had a smoke wagon on their hip? Guns don't kill crops. Crows kill crops. All the guns in the world will not stop crows. Their tiny little bird brains do not know what a gun in. They see a gun, and still head toward that cabbage. What does stop crows? A potato bag. That is to say, a bag that at one point in time held potatoes. That is why, I wore a burlap, sack. 

As you, the people of the world, watch the Presidential Candidate Debates, one thing you are NOT aware of, are the buildings that we debate in. We have metal detectors for spectators. We have police patting people down people on their way in to make sure there are no weapons being allowed in. There are NO crow detectors. There are NO farmers looking at people's shoes for tiny little legs that could only be the stick legs of crows that are jammed into a Puma sneaker. There are NO ears of corn swiped under the noses of people walking in to see if they are humans or a dirty, dirty crow. NOTHING. Now, I COULD stand on the stage defenceless, much like the very brave democratic candidates to my right and left, but I want to protect America, and how can I protect an entire country if I do not protect myself? From ALL onslaughts? From even the dirtiest of birds, the crow?  So I, wore, a burlap sack.

We've all seen video of ISIS. We've all seen human beings wearing all black from head to toe. Now, I ask you, have you ever SEEN one of these humans actually getting INTO one of these full black outfits? Hmm? No, you haven't. How do we know these are human beings at all? How are we so sure that these are not awful, terrible crows that want our crops? It is my FIRM belief, that ISIS is made up of a murder of crows. We all know how to scare crows. It's by showing them a sack that at one time held potatoes. That is why I, wore a, burlap, sack.

The President of the United States must keep the country safe. Must keep the country safe at ALL times, and in all situations, and from al birds. Cities, towns, villages, bushes, woods, marshlands, malls, and fields. Of course fields. Crows will not just attack crops in a field. They'll attack crops in a mall, in your hand, in your babies mouth if you let them. How do you stop a crow and protect the nation? You COULD swipe at it with a broom. You could throw salt in it's eyes as it flaps and squawks towards you. Or you COULD, take down crows mentally. At their root. Right where they live. Bags that hold potatoes terrify them. That is why I, wore a burlap sack.

I am Hilary Clinton, and I am running for Scarecrow Of Life."