Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Authentic Talent Management:

New York Office
Tel: (718) 422-0200

James Cristiano: james@authenticm.com

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Kanye Has To Cum For You?

Kanye West flipped on Twitter. Whatever. Amber Rose said she put her finger in his ass. Cool. The problem? PEOPLE flipped at that point. People thought it was nuts that Amber Rose and Kanye West (two adults who can do what they like) would do something INSANE like play with butts. Their own butts. The butts they own and operate. The butts they lay claim to. The butts that in Jurassic Park, when Samuel L. Jackson says 'Hold on to your butts,' they would have held on to. 

Kanye, a straight man who makes great music, isn't allowed to have a hot straight woman put a finger in his ass? That's wrong somehow? What does a man have to give to the world until he is able to come on his terms? Ten great albums? A thousands hit singles? Billions of beats before he can do the things that make him come, instead of coming for you and your weird thoughts? WHY MUST HE COME FOR YOU? Why must everyone in society come to the same things that you come to? You're into super tiny women whose collar bones could cut through a t-shirt? Good. Come to them. Some people would rather toss their dick in a furnace than jerk to tiny baby women, but the world widely accepts tiny baby women, so apparently everyone should jerk to them. The whole universe decided that Princess whatever her name is is the epitome of what a woman should look like. Other people would rather make love to a beefeater hat. LET THEM ENJOY THE BEEFEATER HAT IF THAT'S WHAT THEY'D RATHER DO.

It's very sad whether the 'allegation' is true or not, that a 'finger in the butt' can be used as an attack against a man. And that this man, KNOWING this can be used as an attack, feels that he has to respond with 'I don't do that' or 'I don't even have an ass.' That's insane. Man's rich, can do what he wants. Should come out and say, 'Yep! Finger in the ass, money in the bank!' 

So many people are coming for other people. So many people are out there, dating types of people that are widely accepted by society, solely so they are not judged or feel weird. There is for sure a person out there who only want to date little people, only attracted to little people, but are dating regular sized people because society hasn't deemed little people completely okay to be seen with yet unless you are also a little person. So THIS person, is dating regular people for you! Coming for you! And do YOU thank them? No! All you do is see them and STILL judge who they are with and what they're doing. You should say SOMETHING.

'Hey buddy! I know you can only REALLY come if you're with a woman who's 6'5", but personally I find that disgusting and I'm thankful as HELL you didn't bring one of those monstrous freaks into this bar. You brought a regular-height lady, who doesn't hurt MY sensibilities and limited brain, and for THAT, I thank you. Here's a free drink for coming at about a thirty percent.'

Some people think that butt stuff is a gay thing. That is insanely stupid. If a straight woman, does something to a straight man, it CANNOT be a gay thing by definition. A gay thing is between two members of the same sex. A woman could throw a beer can into a man's butt and it's not gay. A woman could jam a door handle into a man and that's not gay. IT'S SEX BETWEEN TWO STRAIGHT PEOPLE. Are two straight people kissing gay? Why not? Gay people kiss. If a woman jerks your bag with her hand, is that gay? WHY THE HELL NOT? A gay man is out there jerking another gay man's bag. WHY IS IT ONLY WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO A BUTT IT'S GAY OR CONSIDERED A GAY THING? Gay people do all of these other sex things as well. Gay people pay their bills! Is paying your bills some kind of gay thing?

'Dude, you're not gonna give your money to Time Warner, are you? I thought I knew you.'

What is everyones issue with butts? What is your problem with butts? WHY ARE YOU ABOVE HAVING THINGS OR PEOPLE OR PLACES IN YOUR BUTT? 

'Don't put that in my butt. Stop touching my butt! MY BUTT IS A PASSAGE WAY TO JESUS!'

Look, it's 2016. How many times can you go the ol' regular penis to vagina route. The OL' penis to mouth. The ever-ready vagina to mouth. The OLLLLLLLL' standard hand to penis and vagina. CHRIST. How good is your phone going to get? How FAST is the internet going to be? We've done it all, okay? You've come the same way for years. Time to go to the butt! Everyone! All of us! Straight people! Men, women! EVERYONE. One day, people are going to look back on this time, the time that there were COUNTless articles about 'People are into butt stuff now!' and call us all losers. A finger in the butt is the craziest thing you've ever heard? Are you twelve? Then fine, I get it. But if you are an adult, and finger in the butt is the CRAZIEST thing you've ever heard, it must be nice to live in such put together world. 

If you pay taxes and you care about what another person does with their butt, you're nuts. If you don't pay taxes and you care about what someone puts in their butt, grow up. Or at the VERY least, if a person does a butt thing, for GOD'S sake, let them have that. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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