Undecided Voters... What's Going ON?

Presidential Election coming up in the ‘sea to shining sea’ America and there are still some people who don’t know who they are going to vote for. STILL. Can’t figure it out. Are waiting until the LAST minute to see what each candidate is REALLY about. Same type of people who walk into a theatre twenty minutes into a movie looking for their friends while yell whispering. Type of people who take down their Christmas decorations in April. Type of people who still don’t know what they’re ordering at McDonalds.

‘… Uhhhhh… I’ll have the….mmmm…. nuggets? No no… fish fi…. that’s disgusting…. maybe a… how’s the Big Mac today?’

‘… Same as it has been everyday since the 80’s. Squished…’

Type of people who any movie and then go on YouTube for an explanation of the ending.

‘I just didn’t get it…’

‘Mother f**ker Air Bud dunked the ball in the hoop! He’s a dog!’

‘Okay but WHY?!’

You might go ‘Well I don’t really know her…’ Okay, you don’t know her, but you DO him. You know him. There’s been no vagueness about this man. We’re talking almost ten years of this man being this man. The same guy. The whole time. By now you either hate him, like him, or have a bunch of hats and decals on your truck with a yard full of flags. There’s no GREY. There’s no ‘Well let me just see one more town hall…’ The halls have been towned. For almost ten years. You get it. You got it.

They’ve debated. They’ve put out campaign ads about themselves and against each other. They’ve been on radio shows, talk shows, social networks that include their own, podcasts, one of them already RAN THE COUNTRY. What else do you need to see? Do they have to go on YOUR podcasts? The ones you listen to? ‘Two Girls Three Mics’? Where they talk about sexual positions they’d like to do in certain Chevrolets?

‘In a Malibu I’d love to do the Toledo Toe Touch!’

Maybe an appearance on ‘The Ding Dong Boys’ where they pound cans of Liquid Death and react to Tik Tok videos? Your favourite true crime podcast? ‘Jakes Graveyard’ where they each do an hour breakdown of the Dahmer atrocities?

‘I could NEVER eat a bicep. A bicep?! Who could eat a BICEP! Who was this guy?!… I’m running for President.’

What do you need to see them do? Maybe more TV. Maybe she should have a show called ‘The Employee’, where she gets people to do random activities around the city and at the end of the episode goes ‘You’re HIRED!’ Maybe an episode of Chopped! They compete against each other making classic American dishes. Buffalo wings as an appetizer. ‘Big Boy Bison Burgers’ with four types of American cheese and bacon cured THAT DAY with freedom fries for the main, and Grandmas apple pie with a TALL tall TALL, can’t even fit in your Ford Expedition tall, need a forklift to bring it to your lips tall glass of Mountain Dew Cyber Security Cherry? What will get you there? Maybe they go on The Masked Singer? Dress up like a gopher or mallard?

‘I believe, okay, that I could flyyyy, fly real high, higher than anyone’s ever seen… I’d fly so high, look at them back there, i’d fly so high the fake news wouldn’t even believe it, they wouldn’t report. I’d be flying up with the jets, the big jets, the 747’s, full of people, people on jets, touching the skyyyyyyyy…’

‘Hmmmm, who could that be in the falcon outfit? Romney?’

Maybe each put out a country album. ‘Building A Wall For Y’all’ with hits like ‘Nasty Questions’, ‘Ramps Are Tough’ and ‘Picking Up My Water With Both Hands’. Or hers ‘Excuse Me, Dear, I’m Talking Here’ with smash number ones ‘Working The Drive-Thru’, ‘No Kids? No Problem’ and ‘Hysterically Laughing Through It All’. Maybe this could finally get the undecided over the hump.

Do they have to do sporting events? Homerun Derby? Whoever hits the most dingers over the green monster decides the fate of the free world? Maybe the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest? First to devour 47 glizzies is the 47th President.

‘I didn’t know who I wanted deciding the fate of education in this country, but when that candidate fought through that ONE hot dog that they CLEARLY wanted to throw up? Right there, the tenacity, the sheer determination, they got my vote..’

Maybe follow them into a Dairy Queen and see if they are ‘Hot Eats’ or ‘Cool Treats’ people.

‘The Flamerthrower Burger with Jalapeño Cheddar? Over the Chicken Stip Basket with Texas Toast? And NO Blizzard?! What are you going to do when an ACTUAL blizzard hits a major city if you can’t even EAT one?! SUCK ME, pal.’

Undecided. Here. Between these two people? After everything? What else are you undecided about? One step at a time? Adding milk to cereal? Getting off the highway at your exit?

‘Look I know I LIVE there but that ramps gonna have to step it up before i use it again. It just hasn’t been showing me anything…’

Maybe just flip a coin. Tails for T. Heads for H. Done. Right there. 100% chance of pissing off 50% of the country but hey, a decision has been made.

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Port People And Automation

There is currently a Port Strike (like to capitalize it like it’s a guys name. ‘Port Strike! You’re up next in the Street Fighter Tournament!’) along the Eastern seaboard. Maine to Texas. Port workers, dock workers, the guy Rocky was supposed to beat up at his job in the first movie and Cinderella Man (another dock reference) are all on strike. They are on strike for the most part, to fight automation.

‘Well how are they gonna do that? You can’t fight progress you dip chewing dock hog! Get those pants off that ship! I want to look cool for Thanksgiving!’

Whether or not they can fight progress and get a raise on on their apparently $39 an hour jobs is up to time to tell, but the thought of people going on strike to fight machines will happen across all sectors. Happened earlier with the movie and writing industry and it will keep going. ONE DAY some cashiers standing around listening to the AWFUL shrieking of a machine doing their job will go ‘Wait a minute! I could just be DOING that! Not OVERSEEING that! I’m out of here!… wait, no, raise first! Oh, machines already here… okay then I want!… you’re right I’ll get back to overseeing…’

This is why unions would try to fight this now, before automation becomes a rampant thing. Before a long shoreman goes to make a job to a guy he’s working with and it turns out to be a machine.

‘You hear the one about the Priest and the Rabbi walking into The Bunny Ranch?’

‘THIS PARTICULAR AMUSEMENT HAS NOT BEEN PROGRAMMED INTO MY DATABASE…’

‘Okay so a Priest and a Rabbi walk into The Bu…’

‘PUT SEVEN MORE CONTAINERS ON MY BACK I DON’T SLEEP EAT OR COLLECT MONEY…’

There are people out there who get mad at people in unions, or workers in general, going on strike for more money. They do not care whether or not workers get more money, they want their pants! Damn it Thanksgiving is COMING UP and if some pudgy Port pig better get their leg coverings!

‘Just automate the whole thing! A robot isn’t going to not get me my pants. Damn does ANYONE care about these pants?! From JAPAN?! I don’t care if Satan himself gets them off the ship I want ‘em!’

People have said this about the fast food industry as well. CEO’s from major companies have said that if minimum wage goes up, they’ll replace everyone with a robot. Some people go ‘good!’ as if their own industry won’t be affected. As if a robot or AI or Terminator can’t do advertising, or law, or play baseball or work at Denny’s. Even people IN TECH who make the robots that take other people’s job will ONE DAY have their own jobs taken over by their creations.

‘Wait a minute I made robots to do other peoples jobs not MY job! What in the hell is this? I said take over the dickless dock workers NOT super cool and awesome engineer guys with vests! THIS IS A TECHNOLOGICAL TRAVESTY… can I keep the vest? It charges my phone when I rotate in a… SIGH I’ll leave it at the ping pong tables…’

Seemingly the only people who would benefit from full automation are companies. Not humans. A

‘But wait! If they don’t have to pay workers anymore then the prices of things can go down!’

So many products we have now get made outside of North America because companies can pay people in other countries much less than they would have to pay people here. Are iPhones cheaper? Costs about $500 to make an iPhone. That’s not close to what it costs to buy. The manufacturing of a Jordan costs MAYBE $20. Does Nike sell them for $22? Even $30? Get that sweet sweet $10 profit? No. When workers are fully out of the way everywhere, prices for things will not drop drastically because companies are used to the money they are making. They don’t want to make LESS. They want to PAY OUT less.

‘… Okay sure cool cool but can I PLEASE just get my PANTS off of this stupid ship!?’

Yeah man calm down happy early Thanksgiving…

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Can Childless Cat Ladies Care About Society?

There is a sect of people who believe that if you do not have kids you cannot care about the future. You cannot care about society because you don’t have a ‘stake’ in it. That not having kids means if there was complete anarchy, everything turned to flames and vipers roamed the streets biting grand mothers, what would you care? It’s not like you have kids! Having kids means you’d pulled that snake off of that lady. Not having kids means you’d sit back, popcorn in hand, watching an elderly be devoured.

‘Get her, snake! Then get me! I don’t care what happens!’

There is a sect of people also saying that they wouldn’t want their kids taught by someone who doesn’t have kids of their own. What does this mean? Should planes only be flown by pilots who OWN a plane? Trains driven by people who have their own personal railway?

‘Hey, before I get on this Greyhound bus, do you own it?’

‘Do I own it?… Buddy… it’s a Greyhound Bus. Nobody on here owns anything. Get in or get off I don’t care both of my feet are dead.’

We all know there’s a LOT of people with kids who shouldn’t be in control of anything, right? John Wayne Gacy had kids. Was he better equipped to teach a psych class over someone who doesn’t? Diddy has kids. Should he decide what curriculum goes into sex-ed over someone who currently doesn’t have children of their own?

‘Do you have kids?’

‘I don’t. No criminal record either.’

‘Ugh. I don’t want my kid going to your daycare. What about you?’

‘Nine kids, seven DUI’s and a gun charge.’

‘Great! Nine kids? Perfect. Here’s another. I’ll be back at four. Or five. You got it.’

People without kids can care about the future and society because they live in society and still like a good future. So even though they themselves might not have kids, how people decide to raise/educate/teach/school/reprimand or whatever kids, the ones that are out there, determines whether or not it’s safe to go to a grocery store. Determines whether or not you’ll be eaten by someone who doesn’t have the capacity to wait for you to pick out some bananas. The kids that are rocking teachers in the eyes with iPads because they’re told to stop making reaction videos in class, could one day be rocking us all in the eyes.

‘Hey, are you waiting in line?’

*Swings grocery basket their holding at your head

‘Gahghghg!’

I’m not against kids. Not at all. I don’t have any but I don’t dislike them. I might have one one day. I saw a kid in the airport in a terminal waving at everyone that passed him.

‘Hi’

Just one of the cutest things out there. I can care about the future and society for me and this little guy. I don’t NEED a kid to understand that I don’t want THIS one living in a world of fire roads and vipers eating grandfathers. UNLESS he grows up to instead of wave at people, bash them in the head with a Nintendo DS. Then all bets are off, buddy. I’ll open the cage door of a rattlesnake myself…

Comedian Nathan Macintosh… is a comedian. Comedy specials ‘Money Never Wakes’ and ‘Down With Tech’ on Youtube

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