The Irishman

The movie made by the man who said “Marvel movies are not cinema” is finally out out and some people are pretty angry about it. I saw it before it came on Netflix because I knew that if I watched it at home I would check my phone seven hundred times with my entire dick in a tub of butter.

‘Wow! Look at this video of a UPS guy waiting at a door! I mean, it’s great! See, this psycho has a camera on their doorbell because they NEED TO KNOW who is at the door! They couldn’t possibly just go to their goddamn door and see. And better than that! They POST the videos that the doorbell takes! Isn’t that great? They don’t ask permission or anything they just DO IT because they are creative geniuses wh… wait, who the hell is Pacino in this thing? Hoffa? Who the hell is Hoffa? Whatever, I’m gonna warm up this butter.’

Now that it’s on Netflix? A LOT of people have a LOT of opinions. And if you like or do not like the movie, completely fine. But these are my favourite reactions to The Irishman that I came across multiple times.

1. Not Enough Action

   ‘The Irishman didn’t have enough action.’ Not enough action? Who told you this was going to be Sudden Death? Above The Law? This is not an ACTION movie. Never was described that way. I mean, I get it. Scorsese is known mostly for his big action sequences. Remember that scene in Goodfellas where Henry Hill takes down a helicopter shirtless with only a handgun as cars explode all around him? Or that GREAT scene in Casino where Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein fights fifteen Yakuza members in a steam room wearing only a towel? Remember when he broke that one guy’s neck and yelled ‘You’ll never take my Casino, you dirty Yaks!’ I mean THAT was action. OR in Raging Bull, when Jake Lamotta walks into a boxing ring holding a grenade, says ‘1st Round KO’ then THROWS the grenade at Sugar Ray Robinson who disintegrates into dust?! I personally will NEVER forget the scene in Taxi Driver where Travis Bickle oils himself up, travels to Vietnam and wins the war HIMSELF.

   ‘Are you looking at me, complete Vietnamese army!’

   You just CAN’T beat action scenes like that. This is a departure from that for Scorsese. This is a well-told story with great acting. If you’d like some more action from this movie, bang your head off your fridge.

2. The de-aging looks ridiculous! I mean LOOK at it!

   ‘I mean, why not get a younger person to play these guys! They look so OLD!’ Interesting that this is a problem for some people but nobody has an issue with filters on Instagram.

   ‘Wait, I know Jeff and he’s NOT Perpetua! He’s a NORMAL at BEST!’

   People have a problem with DeNiro with a younger face beating up a man with his seventy six year old body. This type of CGI bothers you but two raptors FIGHTING in Jurassic Park? Nothing. Two RAPTORS are FIGHTING. Doesn’t look ridiculous at all? Maybe nobody noticed.

   ‘I can’t BELIEVE that not only are there still two raptors alive today, but that they trained them to fight in this movie! This thing deserves an Oscar.’

   ‘Those are CGI raptors.’

   ‘No way! They are right there!

   Or how about Captain America wearing a one piece leotard while talking to NOBODY on a screen. Acting with so much CGI there is NOTHING around him at all. Not an issue? Okay so a man, who is ON SCREEN, acting while his face is younger than he actually is, is WORSE than an adult wearing a mask talking to a not-there-at-all raccoon?

   ‘But his body is OLD!’ Yes. It is. And unless you’re a twelve year old who posts five Tik Toks a day, you should be able to deal with this. If not? Maybe banging your head off of your fridge will help.

3. It’s SO Long. Like SOOOOO Long.

   Were you the only person who didn’t know how long the movie was? If so, yes, I feel for you. I would feel AWFUL as well if I was the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH who wasn’t aware that this was a long movie. It must have been devastating to think you were getting into a sitcom length Scorsese movie only to find out that it was longer than a REGULAR movie! You thought you were about to watch Frasier, and someone threw The Ten Commandments at you.

   ‘No! I was just hoping to hear a ‘Oh for god sake, Niles!’ and now Charlton Heston is telling me not to covet my neighbours wife!’

   The rest of us, not wanting to leave you behind like this again, will make a CONCERTED EFFORT to ALWAYS make sure YOU are aware the EXACT LENGTH of a movie that the REST OF US know. No cinephile left behind, as they say. It’s on US, as a SOCIETY, to make sure that EVERY psychotic monster who can’t read the play time at the bottom of the screen is well informed as to the length of a movie that the rest of us are aware of. In this case, it’s our fault. It’s on us that you were left ALONE in this cold world where great acting and a great story go FARTHER INTO TIME than you were told about.

   MAYBE, the director, Scorsese, gave us a longer movie because there is NO WAY that you will EVER see Pesci, DeNiro and Pacino together again on the same screen. Never. If YOU’D like to see them together again though, if you’d like this vision to go through your head without it BEING SO LONG, try putting your head in your fridge and slamming the door.

Reasons I Liked Batman Vs Superman (Thousand Spoilers)

People are REALLY attacking this movie. People are walking out of the theatre as if they have just seen Troll 2. 

'Why did Batman have to go to Nilbog? I mean, in what REALM is it okay that Superman eats a green slime that CLEARLY is going to turn him into a goblin?! And WHY is WonderWoman turning people into trees?! For dear god sake why!' (Sidenote: Watch Troll 2 and tell me the woman who turns that kid into a tree doesn't look VAGUELY like the new Wonder Woman.'

I saw trailers for this movie a year ago and said 'Yuck. That is going to be horrendous.' I FULLY expected to see a bad movie. FULLY expected to say 'OH that was bad' but still have a good time with friends. Did that happen? NOT. EVEN. KIND. OF. I was watching this movie in shock. I kept waiting for a worse movie to start. I kept looking over at my friend with a look on my face like 'This is insane! WHAT were people talking about?'

The first trailer I saw I thought this looked bad. The second trailer, that was longer and showed Wonder Woman and Doomsday, I went 'MAN THIS THING IS GOING TO FLOP.' So I sat in the theatre, completely expecting to see a The Room and having fun with how bad it was. When THAT didn't happen, I was shocked.

To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of Superhero movies. And actually, more specifically, the Marvel ones. I liked Nolans Batman's (except Dark Knight Rises), I liked the first Avengers (which I know is Marvel). But the rest of the Marvel movies I find to be the same. So shiny. So 'written'. So many stupid jokes about nothing. So many dumb quips about explosions and fighting and trash. Avengers 2 I was like 'Hey! Is this CaddyShack!? An entire city is being carried away! Take ti god damn seriously for a minute! Especially you, Hawkeye. Your only power is you can shoot arrows well. Arrows! A rogue rock could kill you! CUT. THE. JOKES.' So with that, the list begins.

1. NO DUMB JOKES

To whoever made the decision for Batman not to make dumb bat belt jokes or for Superman to have one liners, THANK YOU! I mean, dear god, does ANYONE in Superhero movies care that things are going on? That planets are being eaten or whatever? Can SOMEONE TAKE THEIR JOB A LITTLE SERIOUSLY? I loved that the destruction of a full city had some weight to it. I mean, things are going bad in this movie. Full buildings are being destroyed. And not ONCE does Batman turn to Superman and say something 'hilarious' like 'Oh, man. That was a sandwich shop I own.' 'Not that building. That's where I have sex with all of my women.' Or Superman looking at Batman, 'That was the Daily Planet. Good thing I cleaned out my desk today.' AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH! OHHHH man. SO funny. SO needed. SOOOOO GOOOD. It's awful when that happens. Let something have weight. SOMEtimes. 

2. Superman Went To Court

Are you kidding me? This was great. What are some people's complaints from the last Superman movie. Not even really complaints just dumb jokes.

'I mean, Superman saves the day sure, but he destroyed a whole city! Do you know how much that would cost to repair?!'

THIS MOVIE ADDRESS'S THAT. Is Superman REALLY that great or does the damage he cause outweigh the good that he does. The man, GOES TO COURT. SUPERMAN. Walks into a court room to defend himself against taking buildings down accidentally while saving one family. That is great. I loved in this movie that people were angry at Superman for all the destruction he's caused. Loved it. 

3. Batman Was Pissed

Loved this. The opening scene, Bruce Wayne is speeding through the city as Superman is in the sky, fighting someone and being thrown through buildings while doing it. He is thrown through Wayne Enterprises, and pieces of the building fall onto a security guard who works there. The pieces crush is legs, and Bruce Wayne holds him while looking to the sky at Superman PISSED. He's decided here that he has to stop Superman. I loved showing Superman's fight from the ground. Showing what happens to the people in the city who are not involved with this battle at all. 

4. Superman Took Doomsday To Space

Truthfully, I'm not the biggest Superman fan. He has all the powers imaginable, but his morals keep him from throwing people into the sun. I've said a bunch of times I don't know why Superman doesn't just throw these bad guys to space. And in this movie, he did! I was like 'YES. You can do this. It's a power! Take this trash to space and throw him into nothing!' And not only that, while Superman is in space, the President decides that as they don't know if they can trust Superman long term, that they are going to take this opportunity to nuke him. THEY SHOOT A NUKE AT SUPERMAN IN SPACE. Come on. This was great. 

5. The Fight Between Batman And Superman

This easily could have been a terrible part. This easily could have been a super cheesy fight. But they did it well. I thought they did a great job not making it look dumb. Superman who could easily destroy Batman, isn't using full power against him because he just wants Batman to listen to him for a minute while he explains that they need to work together. Batman, who has stolen Kryptonite and worked out HARD for this fight ain't hearing it. So while Superman is being led by rage, Batman hits him in the back with Kyrponite gas that weakens him, and Batman starts throwing haymakers. Thought this was great.

6. Superman Drove A Horn Through His Own Chest To Kill Doomsday

To kill doomsday, Superman uses a staff that Batman made that has Kryptonite in it. As he drives it into Doomsday, Doomsday stabs him in the chest with a horn on him. Does that stop Superman? Nope. He drags himself up the horn, killing himself while pushing the staff farther into Doomsday. Man. Come on. 

Just to be fair all around, some things I didn't like. Wonder Woman showing us upcoming characters from a computer drive. Wasn't a huge fan of how Jesse Eisenberg played Lex Luthor. I was hoping they would have just left Superman dead and left the explanation of him coming back for the next movie, but I get why it's done this way. 

FOUR PEOPLE WHO PICK THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS

There is outrage this year over the Oscar nominations. Last year as well. It seems every year there are nominations that people don't understand, nominations people miss, and flat out snubs. Which begs the questions, WHO are these people who choose the nominations? Where do they dig up these people, and why do we never see them? Why do they never come out and defend their choices, or sit at a Starbucks, or be seen in public AT ALL around regular human people who watch movies? It seems as though the Academy really wants judges who nobody knows, who are locked up in a cage, only watching and judging movies. Well, with a lot of digging, favours, and bribes, I was able to find out who four of the Oscar judges are.

THE GATEKEEPER OF OZ

This man is very elusive. He has a cushy job working for the Wizard, and when he's not there he's shopping online for green clothing. Only one group of a scarecrow, a talking lion, a man made of tin who needs a heart for some reason even though he's tin and tin cannot sustain a heart, and a woman who floated on a tornado have seen him. He lives in a fictitious world that none of us occupy and this is EXACTLY why the Academy reached out to him. Since 1939, he has helped the Academy choose movies, and since 1939, he's never been seen again. 

Favourite Movie: The one he was in. 

PEARL, THE GIANT VAMPIRE FROM BLADE

Pearl has been picking these movies for a long time. I mean, LOOK at him. This is a full time job for him. It's also why you never see him. He takes this job very seriously. He sits in a room, no clothes on, just eating, and watching movies. And he's a tough critic! Only likes foreign films and buddy cop movies, which he has been FIGHTING to get nominations for since Rush Hour. Once, in 1998, when he was watching Titanic to make a decision on best film of that year, Blade kicked in his door and burned him with a UV lamp. He finished the movie with a horrible burn, and even with the thought of third degree burns still in his head, he voted for it and Titanic took home the gold that year. 

Favourite Movie: Not Blade. 

THE GHOST OF JD SALINGER

JD Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye, a book that made three people kill other people, and made a lot of students write a lot of essays. After JD wrote the book, he moved into the mountains and became a recluse. He famously hated the public and wanted to be alone. People thought he was writing. Wrong. Once the Academy found out that he wasn't apart of society anymore, they reached out to him to help decide Oscar nominations. For years he lived amongst the trees and chose movies. He passed away in 2010, but with Ouija boards, the Academy reaches out to him every year in the afterlife to ask him his opinion. 

Favourite Movie: Books. 

FIDO DIDO, THE 7UP GUY

In the 90s, this crude drawing had it all. Fame, money, respect, crudely drawn women by his side. He was everywhere and everyone loved him. Then, as the 2000s rolled around and Nelly became hot, people didn't find the need to have small pencil marks tell them which beverage to buy. That, and also a scandal involving him and the brown M&M, left Fido Dido without a job and he went into hiding. THIS is when the Academy reached out to him about Oscar nominations. Fido now lives on a piece of paper, sending in his nominations on smaller pieces of paper. He's big on Pixar movies and yells every year that 'actors faces no longer need to be seen!' The Academy thinks other wise. 

Favourite movie: Aladdin And The King Of Thieves (He hands indicate how close he was to being in it.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh