'If you die, fine, but I have to text while driving!'

Every time I drive to a show out of town, I see people texting and driving. I'm not talking about in the city, people will check their phone at a red light. I'm talking that I constantly see people on the HIGHWAY, Checking their phones, slightly moving into a new lane until they catch themselves and switch back, doing SIXTY FIVE.

'Maybe you're only driving on highways that very important doctors drive on, Nathan?'

Thought of that. Looked at the signs, and found out that's not the case.

'Maybe you're driving on the private highways that are used exclusively by surgeons and EMT's?' Nope, just the regular old highways where a dude who works at Ruby Tuesdays doesn't think he needs to give all of his attention to the speeding ton of metal he's driving. The same highways as you, and the same highways that we should all be paying attention too while DRIVING ON THEM. 

Other people on the road have to be put at risk because you have to respond to a 'what you doing?' text? Others have to maybe become toast because you're typing 'Nothing. Just driving. You?' THAT'S important enough to put people's lives on the line, including your own? THAT'S important enough to take your eyes off of controlling a huge piece of metal that you're SITTING IN? 

There are fines for texting while driving. I've seen some as high as $300. Do I think that's enough? Nope. No way. You should be taken right off the road for texting and driving. PIT maneuver by the police. Swerved into a ditch the way you were going to swerve another family off the road if you kept texting. That too far? Fine. The punishment should be being locked away for two weeks. Two weeks in jail, WITH your phone. Keep it, BUT, no charger. That is the ULTIMATE punishment for people who can't get off their phone. Having to ration use? They can't deal with that. 

'Ah man, I can only like two pictures on Instagram a day. How am I going to survive?! You can't treat people like this! Take me out back and shoot me! SHOOT ME!' 

Everyone knows this is bad, but some people just don't care. Now though, car companies are putting wifi in their cars. WIFI, IN THEIR CARS. Nobody will be putting their phone down.

'Do you know whey I pulled you over? You were texting while driving.'

'Yeah, but officer, I have WIFI?'

'... Huh.... Well give me your license and network password. I have sports scores to check while I run your plates.'

Worst is, some people aren't even texting! Some people are NOT even responding to 'important' texts. Some people are just scrolling through twitter or instagram. Some monsters are out there scrolling through pictures of asses while switching lanes on a highway. Kids to the right of them, mothers to the left, and they are pressing the heart icon on a grilled cheese sandwich. Liking status updates while DRIVING AN AUTOMOBILE. 

'I agree, Timmy. It IS cold out here today. Cold out here as it is in my heart, where I believe I'm the only one on this two lane speed fest.'

Some people are for SURE sexting while driving. Some guy is rock hard, pressing send on eggplant and fire combination emojis while switching lanes. 

'If I get to you before I cause a four car pile up, my GOD the dick I'm gonna lay down.'

The numbers of accidents caused while someone's driving drunk and the numbers for accidents caused while someone is texting while driving have to be pretty close. HAVE to be. Texting while driving is worse. It's worse because when you're drunk, you barely know what's up. You wake up wondering what happened the night before. 'Did I drive? Oh Christ.' You don't wake up that way after texting. 'Did I respond to ALL of those texts? Jesus. I hate myself.' 

ONLY time texting while driving is okay is if you're drunk. If you are drunk, you are not of sound mind. Other than that, get it together, man. Put your phone down. Stop sending '100' emojis. Focus your blurred over, vodka'd up head on the road.

Commercials for drunk driving say 'hey, get a cab, and you can throw up in someone else's car.' They don't attack texting and driving like that. They never say, 'Get an Uber and text your face off on your way home, AND throw up in someone else's car.' Why not? Should be.

'Look, you're an ape who can't put down the shiny thing even while operating a motor vehicle? Great. Call this person, sit in the back of their motor vehicle, and use your ape hands to text other apes about nothing. Be responsible.' 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

FOUR PEOPLE WHO PICK THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS

There is outrage this year over the Oscar nominations. Last year as well. It seems every year there are nominations that people don't understand, nominations people miss, and flat out snubs. Which begs the questions, WHO are these people who choose the nominations? Where do they dig up these people, and why do we never see them? Why do they never come out and defend their choices, or sit at a Starbucks, or be seen in public AT ALL around regular human people who watch movies? It seems as though the Academy really wants judges who nobody knows, who are locked up in a cage, only watching and judging movies. Well, with a lot of digging, favours, and bribes, I was able to find out who four of the Oscar judges are.

THE GATEKEEPER OF OZ

This man is very elusive. He has a cushy job working for the Wizard, and when he's not there he's shopping online for green clothing. Only one group of a scarecrow, a talking lion, a man made of tin who needs a heart for some reason even though he's tin and tin cannot sustain a heart, and a woman who floated on a tornado have seen him. He lives in a fictitious world that none of us occupy and this is EXACTLY why the Academy reached out to him. Since 1939, he has helped the Academy choose movies, and since 1939, he's never been seen again. 

Favourite Movie: The one he was in. 

PEARL, THE GIANT VAMPIRE FROM BLADE

Pearl has been picking these movies for a long time. I mean, LOOK at him. This is a full time job for him. It's also why you never see him. He takes this job very seriously. He sits in a room, no clothes on, just eating, and watching movies. And he's a tough critic! Only likes foreign films and buddy cop movies, which he has been FIGHTING to get nominations for since Rush Hour. Once, in 1998, when he was watching Titanic to make a decision on best film of that year, Blade kicked in his door and burned him with a UV lamp. He finished the movie with a horrible burn, and even with the thought of third degree burns still in his head, he voted for it and Titanic took home the gold that year. 

Favourite Movie: Not Blade. 

THE GHOST OF JD SALINGER

JD Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye, a book that made three people kill other people, and made a lot of students write a lot of essays. After JD wrote the book, he moved into the mountains and became a recluse. He famously hated the public and wanted to be alone. People thought he was writing. Wrong. Once the Academy found out that he wasn't apart of society anymore, they reached out to him to help decide Oscar nominations. For years he lived amongst the trees and chose movies. He passed away in 2010, but with Ouija boards, the Academy reaches out to him every year in the afterlife to ask him his opinion. 

Favourite Movie: Books. 

FIDO DIDO, THE 7UP GUY

In the 90s, this crude drawing had it all. Fame, money, respect, crudely drawn women by his side. He was everywhere and everyone loved him. Then, as the 2000s rolled around and Nelly became hot, people didn't find the need to have small pencil marks tell them which beverage to buy. That, and also a scandal involving him and the brown M&M, left Fido Dido without a job and he went into hiding. THIS is when the Academy reached out to him about Oscar nominations. Fido now lives on a piece of paper, sending in his nominations on smaller pieces of paper. He's big on Pixar movies and yells every year that 'actors faces no longer need to be seen!' The Academy thinks other wise. 

Favourite movie: Aladdin And The King Of Thieves (He hands indicate how close he was to being in it.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Five Ways To Make Cyber Monday More Fair

Holy hell! Cyber Monday is here. Are you ready to get online and buy things with your credit card while wearing a robe and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch? 

'Wait, I don't eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I'm trying to be healthy. I'm trying to ea...'

Shut up, nerd! Are you ready or not?

'...Yes, I'm ready.'

Good! Then grab your card, grab your bag, your focus and get to work! You've been waiting for this day. You avoided Black Friday so that you could not be punched in the face over that dish set you want. Why get stabbed for some forks when you can sit at home half naked and get them sent to your door? 

'That's what I'm saying! I can sit at home, wearing my Homer Simpson slippers and just kick back, press ord...'

Shut up, nerd! Cyber Monday is coming! The thing is - Black Friday used to be the only day. It used to be the ONE day that gave you deals. You wanted those deals? You had to lace up the gloves and punch your way into that store. Now? Cyber Monday. 

Now, is it fair that some people (people who don't have credit cards, don't have access to the internet, don't care that people will take video of them being animals, don't understand that you DON'T have to throw yourself into a pile of people for cheap headphones) have to throw themselves into a pile of people for cheap headphones and various other deals? No. No, it is not. It is NOT fair that someone who only deals in cash and whose credit score is in the toilet has to fight a mom jacked on Red Bull for swim trunks. 

Cyber Monday is the same as Black Friday except that it's participated in by people who have no heart. No drive. No 'get up and smash someone.' It's like playing a UFC video game and calling yourself a fighter. Cyber Monday has the same deals as Black Friday, but are gotten in completely different ways. You want these deals, but don't want put your body on the line? Fine, but there are a few ways that we can make Cyber Monday deals a bit more fair.

When The Package You Ordered On Cyber Monday Is Dropped Off, Fight The Delivery Man

If you had been a human with the heart of a lion, you would have went into that store three days ago and bit someone's face to get that toaster. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday and waited for it with no blood on your hands. Well, not anymore. When the delivery man shows up, you have to fight him for it. He's been up all night, drinking coffee, doing push ups. He's angry. He's shirtless. You want that toaster with the bagel toasting option? Time to earn it. 

Cutting Your Face With A Watch As You Order A Product

If you had been a human with the heart of a Sasquatch, you would have gone to that store on Black Friday and kicked a mother in the shin for that cheap bicycle pump. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday, when you knew there was no chance of being hurt. Well, not anymore. If you HAD gone to the store to get that sweet, sweet bicycle pump, chances are you would have had to dive on the floor to hold onto the cord as a man dragged it away. He would have swiped back to knock you off, and cut your face with his watch. You would have let one hand go, only to look up and see this monster tackled by another creature who needed to get through him. Now you are the bicycle pump owner. So as you order it from the comfort of your house, slash your face with a Swatch for the ultimate experience. You want that pump? Time to earn it. 

Ask Your Partner To Kick You In The Head

If you were a human with the heart of a cuttlefish, you would have blasted into that store on Black Friday and fought your way to that Playstation 4. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday and waited for it to be delivered to you in the comfort of your Hanes Undershorts. Well, not anymore. As you press 'Order' on that PS4, have your husband or wife kick you in the side of the head. There's a HUGE chance that had you gone in on Friday, a man with a short temper and long legs would have hit you in the temple with a spin kick from a size twelve Sketcher for the entertainment system. Is it fair that you don't have to go through that? No. You want that video game box? Have your partner gorilla kick you in the head while you order. Time to earn it.

Jam Yourselves Between A Set Of Doors

If you were a human being with the heart of the girl from The Ring, you would have flash kicked your way into that store on Black Friday for that FitBit. But you didn't. You played it safe and waited until Cyber Monday and ordered it without the screams of people being beaten within an inch of their life around you. Well, not anymore. If you had run into a store with thousands of deranged maniacs, you would have been squeezed between a set of doors, screaming, 'I just want to know how many steps I'm taking!' As you press 'Place Order' while wearing thong sandals in your living room on Cyber Monday, smash yourself in a door. Jam yourself between a door and door frame while screaming, 'I'm saving a couple of bucks!' You really want to know how many steps you're taking a day? Time to earn it.

Smash The Windows Out Of Your Car

If you were a human being with the heart of a winged beast, you would have Batman swung your way into a store on Black Friday for those Dockers. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday, where no one will be chasing your vehicle out of the parking lot because you got the last pair. Is that fair? No. As you're pressing 'I'll Buy This Damn Thing Now,' you should be out in your driveway, smashing your windshield with your forearm. Bashing your forearm into your windshield, while screaming, 'I need those Dockers you piece of garbage!' the way some man with three kids he barely wanted would have done if you had the balls to go out on Black Friday. You want those Dockers? Time to earn them. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh