There is outrage this year over the Oscar nominations. Last year as well. It seems every year there are nominations that people don't understand, nominations people miss, and flat out snubs. Which begs the questions, WHO are these people who choose the nominations? Where do they dig up these people, and why do we never see them? Why do they never come out and defend their choices, or sit at a Starbucks, or be seen in public AT ALL around regular human people who watch movies? It seems as though the Academy really wants judges who nobody knows, who are locked up in a cage, only watching and judging movies. Well, with a lot of digging, favours, and bribes, I was able to find out who four of the Oscar judges are.
THE GATEKEEPER OF OZ
This man is very elusive. He has a cushy job working for the Wizard, and when he's not there he's shopping online for green clothing. Only one group of a scarecrow, a talking lion, a man made of tin who needs a heart for some reason even though he's tin and tin cannot sustain a heart, and a woman who floated on a tornado have seen him. He lives in a fictitious world that none of us occupy and this is EXACTLY why the Academy reached out to him. Since 1939, he has helped the Academy choose movies, and since 1939, he's never been seen again.
Favourite Movie: The one he was in.
PEARL, THE GIANT VAMPIRE FROM BLADE
Pearl has been picking these movies for a long time. I mean, LOOK at him. This is a full time job for him. It's also why you never see him. He takes this job very seriously. He sits in a room, no clothes on, just eating, and watching movies. And he's a tough critic! Only likes foreign films and buddy cop movies, which he has been FIGHTING to get nominations for since Rush Hour. Once, in 1998, when he was watching Titanic to make a decision on best film of that year, Blade kicked in his door and burned him with a UV lamp. He finished the movie with a horrible burn, and even with the thought of third degree burns still in his head, he voted for it and Titanic took home the gold that year.
Favourite Movie: Not Blade.
THE GHOST OF JD SALINGER
JD Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye, a book that made three people kill other people, and made a lot of students write a lot of essays. After JD wrote the book, he moved into the mountains and became a recluse. He famously hated the public and wanted to be alone. People thought he was writing. Wrong. Once the Academy found out that he wasn't apart of society anymore, they reached out to him to help decide Oscar nominations. For years he lived amongst the trees and chose movies. He passed away in 2010, but with Ouija boards, the Academy reaches out to him every year in the afterlife to ask him his opinion.
Favourite Movie: Books.
FIDO DIDO, THE 7UP GUY
In the 90s, this crude drawing had it all. Fame, money, respect, crudely drawn women by his side. He was everywhere and everyone loved him. Then, as the 2000s rolled around and Nelly became hot, people didn't find the need to have small pencil marks tell them which beverage to buy. That, and also a scandal involving him and the brown M&M, left Fido Dido without a job and he went into hiding. THIS is when the Academy reached out to him about Oscar nominations. Fido now lives on a piece of paper, sending in his nominations on smaller pieces of paper. He's big on Pixar movies and yells every year that 'actors faces no longer need to be seen!' The Academy thinks other wise.
Favourite movie: Aladdin And The King Of Thieves (He hands indicate how close he was to being in it.)