Undecided Voters... What's Going ON?

Presidential Election coming up in the ‘sea to shining sea’ America and there are still some people who don’t know who they are going to vote for. STILL. Can’t figure it out. Are waiting until the LAST minute to see what each candidate is REALLY about. Same type of people who walk into a theatre twenty minutes into a movie looking for their friends while yell whispering. Type of people who take down their Christmas decorations in April. Type of people who still don’t know what they’re ordering at McDonalds.

‘… Uhhhhh… I’ll have the….mmmm…. nuggets? No no… fish fi…. that’s disgusting…. maybe a… how’s the Big Mac today?’

‘… Same as it has been everyday since the 80’s. Squished…’

Type of people who any movie and then go on YouTube for an explanation of the ending.

‘I just didn’t get it…’

‘Mother f**ker Air Bud dunked the ball in the hoop! He’s a dog!’

‘Okay but WHY?!’

You might go ‘Well I don’t really know her…’ Okay, you don’t know her, but you DO him. You know him. There’s been no vagueness about this man. We’re talking almost ten years of this man being this man. The same guy. The whole time. By now you either hate him, like him, or have a bunch of hats and decals on your truck with a yard full of flags. There’s no GREY. There’s no ‘Well let me just see one more town hall…’ The halls have been towned. For almost ten years. You get it. You got it.

They’ve debated. They’ve put out campaign ads about themselves and against each other. They’ve been on radio shows, talk shows, social networks that include their own, podcasts, one of them already RAN THE COUNTRY. What else do you need to see? Do they have to go on YOUR podcasts? The ones you listen to? ‘Two Girls Three Mics’? Where they talk about sexual positions they’d like to do in certain Chevrolets?

‘In a Malibu I’d love to do the Toledo Toe Touch!’

Maybe an appearance on ‘The Ding Dong Boys’ where they pound cans of Liquid Death and react to Tik Tok videos? Your favourite true crime podcast? ‘Jakes Graveyard’ where they each do an hour breakdown of the Dahmer atrocities?

‘I could NEVER eat a bicep. A bicep?! Who could eat a BICEP! Who was this guy?!… I’m running for President.’

What do you need to see them do? Maybe more TV. Maybe she should have a show called ‘The Employee’, where she gets people to do random activities around the city and at the end of the episode goes ‘You’re HIRED!’ Maybe an episode of Chopped! They compete against each other making classic American dishes. Buffalo wings as an appetizer. ‘Big Boy Bison Burgers’ with four types of American cheese and bacon cured THAT DAY with freedom fries for the main, and Grandmas apple pie with a TALL tall TALL, can’t even fit in your Ford Expedition tall, need a forklift to bring it to your lips tall glass of Mountain Dew Cyber Security Cherry? What will get you there? Maybe they go on The Masked Singer? Dress up like a gopher or mallard?

‘I believe, okay, that I could flyyyy, fly real high, higher than anyone’s ever seen… I’d fly so high, look at them back there, i’d fly so high the fake news wouldn’t even believe it, they wouldn’t report. I’d be flying up with the jets, the big jets, the 747’s, full of people, people on jets, touching the skyyyyyyyy…’

‘Hmmmm, who could that be in the falcon outfit? Romney?’

Maybe each put out a country album. ‘Building A Wall For Y’all’ with hits like ‘Nasty Questions’, ‘Ramps Are Tough’ and ‘Picking Up My Water With Both Hands’. Or hers ‘Excuse Me, Dear, I’m Talking Here’ with smash number ones ‘Working The Drive-Thru’, ‘No Kids? No Problem’ and ‘Hysterically Laughing Through It All’. Maybe this could finally get the undecided over the hump.

Do they have to do sporting events? Homerun Derby? Whoever hits the most dingers over the green monster decides the fate of the free world? Maybe the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest? First to devour 47 glizzies is the 47th President.

‘I didn’t know who I wanted deciding the fate of education in this country, but when that candidate fought through that ONE hot dog that they CLEARLY wanted to throw up? Right there, the tenacity, the sheer determination, they got my vote..’

Maybe follow them into a Dairy Queen and see if they are ‘Hot Eats’ or ‘Cool Treats’ people.

‘The Flamerthrower Burger with Jalapeño Cheddar? Over the Chicken Stip Basket with Texas Toast? And NO Blizzard?! What are you going to do when an ACTUAL blizzard hits a major city if you can’t even EAT one?! SUCK ME, pal.’

Undecided. Here. Between these two people? After everything? What else are you undecided about? One step at a time? Adding milk to cereal? Getting off the highway at your exit?

‘Look I know I LIVE there but that ramps gonna have to step it up before i use it again. It just hasn’t been showing me anything…’

Maybe just flip a coin. Tails for T. Heads for H. Done. Right there. 100% chance of pissing off 50% of the country but hey, a decision has been made.

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14 States Are Suing Tik Tok And Let's Goooooooooo

Fourteen states are suing Tik Tok for destroying the mental health of the younger generation. Yes. Let’s do it. It’s not just hurting the younger generations brain. Go anywhere. Every store people are looking at it. Check in desk in airports they’re scrolling. Young, old, people in wheelchairs and even cops. There’s nobody not looking at this thing. I’m sure soon baseball players are going to be fighting to look at it during games.

‘I mean I’m just STANDING out there in right field. It’s boring! I’ll put my phone down when I hear a ball hit a bat. Come ON let me scroll!’

States are suing Tik Tok in part because Tik Tok knew that people could become addicted but didn’t care. They knew its power and did nothing to make it less addictive. Not in its creation or even with warnings. Video games systems come with warnings. Draft Kings lets you know in a quiet hushed tone that downloading their app could lead you to losing your house and living under a bridge drinking your own piss. They don’t WANT to say these things. They don’t WANT to tell you but in a good decency they have to. Social media apps, especially Tik Tok with it’s completely unlimited scroll capability should have the same.

‘Downloading this app could lead to hating yourself, comparing yourself with every single person on the planet, realizing that your body is garbage or just generally sitting on a couch drooling butter for hours and hours until you feel like filling your apartment with carbon dioxide… please scroll responsibly.’

People can become addicted, like addicted addicted, in under thirty five minutes. In under thirty five minutes of scrolling this mindlessly decrepit content pit, you can be addicted to the point that if someone tries to take it from you you will bite them. In thirty five minutes the algorithm can know you so well that you might need to hit a rehab. The Betty Ford Content Center. Someone will have to peel your phone from you, wrap you in a blanket because you’re vibrating and toss you into this place. You sit in a room and detox, sipping green tea and trying to shake the habit.

‘Hey, I’m a nurse here just checking on you. How are you feeling today?’

‘Better, you know? I’m feeling good it’s just like… haha… I mean… look… I’ll suck your dick for a scroll'…’

Tik Tok could be harder to kick than heroin, because heroin doesn’t know you. Heroin doesn’t study you. Heroin doesn’t go through your phone and check your text messages. You can’t get heroin when you’re eight! Going to be pretty hard, anyway. Where’s the money coming from? Where do you go to find it? Recess?

‘You want a fruit roll up?’

‘Ehhhh I’m looking for something a littler harder…’

‘… Say less….’

And of course they made Tik Tok as addictive as possible. You’d be able to put it down if it wasn’t because the app is ugly. Absolutely horrendous to open and look at. Cheap looking content holder. It looks like a Bi-Way. A Winners. A Marshalls. It’s the equivalent of finding a bunch of DVD’s in a bin at a Salvation Army. It’s not a pretty app. Ad as soon as you open it. It feels as if it could just crash at any moment. It’s Doritos in video form. Doritos are horrible for you so they spruce them up. Colours. Packaging. Shiny. Tik Tok is this. Horrible trough of videos. It’s the butt chugging of content.

‘Wanna watch a movie?’

‘How about I stand on my head and you jam clips of the movie into my ass?’

‘… Say lesss…’

People will fight it. Not just Tik Tok. Even though it’s in all of our best interest because if people can’t get off of this thing, people are born onto it, then one day this will be our complete society. But some people say ‘I learn on Tik Tok!’ If you say you ‘learn on Tik Tok’ you better be eight-sixteen. You better have homework. You better be walking around with a book bag that has a juice box in it. When a fully grown tax paying adult tells me they ‘learn on Tik Tok’ it truly depresses me. This is the ONLY way to learn? You can’t read a book? Listen to a book?

‘No! I can’t learn about the Civil War that way! I need a woman telling me about it in forty nine seconds while she’s doing her make-up!’

‘Did you learn about the Civil War on Tik Tok?’

‘… No I learned you can make Dorito covered chicken IN the bag of Doritos! What book is that in?!’

Tik Tok went out of their way to not say how addicting it is because the more we are on it the more money they make. Makes sense. The more Coke you drink the more money Coke makes. But you can only drink so much Coke. You can’t pound through eighteen bottles of coke in ten minutes. You can’t chug nine litres of sweet sweet cola while waiting for your connecting flight. You don’t JUST keep chugging. You’ve never drank Coke and lost track of time. You’ve never been pounding an unlimited bottle of the stuff, put it down and go ‘Oh damn, it’s already Wednesday? Oh man… I FORGOT TO PICK MY WIFE UP FROMT HE AIRPORT!’

So these fourteen states are suing Tik Tok and I’m for it. Sue em. Sue em hard. Get em out of here. That part won’t happen BUT I love the attempt. If Tik Tok was a person you’d want him assaulted. Just the neediest dork idiot loser who keeps poking you telling you to check something out and who does not want you to leave their side.

‘Hey look at this! And this! Also this wait where are you going check this! And this! Don’t go stay here and that’s great yes check this!’

‘Look at this! My foot in your ass!’

‘… Say less…’

Nathan Macintosh (me) is a comedian with two stand up specials on YouTube. ‘Money Never Wakes’ named the Best Youtube Special Of 2023 by The New York Times, and ‘DOWN WITH TECH’ which is below

Check Out Full Comedy Special 'DOWN WITH TECH' Here

THOUGHTS ON JOKER 2 FROM A MAN THAT’S NOT SEEING IT

I will not see Joker 2. I will not see it while wearing blue. I will not see it while it rains or on the train. Joker 2 will not be something I do... I’m only talking like this because if Joker 2 is a musical, I’m assuming Joker 3: Le Troisième (the third one) will be three and a half hours of rhyming. I will not see that one either, but here are some reasons I’m not seeing this one.

Un (french for one), I saw the trailer. I didn’t like it. People say you can’t judge a movie by its trailer. Yes you can. That’s the whole point of it.

‘That’s only two minutes! You have to give the movie a chance!’

I did. That two minutes was the what the studio thought was the best representation of what the movie was.

‘Hey, I just met your friend and they said something racist.’

‘Yeah but come on. You’ve only talked to her for two minutes. You have to get to know her. Talk to her on a Tuesday for two and a half hours and I’m SURE you’ll come around.’

Two. Dumb reasons (I mean they all are) why call it Joker 2: Folie a Deux when you could have just called it Joker: Folie a Deux? We all know it’s the second one. There’s nobody out there that wouldn’t be able to grasp that. It’s been five years and has the extra name.

‘Hey! They released the Joker but with a different name.’

‘No that’s the second Joker movie.’

‘What? No. They didn’t call it Joker 2. How the hell can it be the second one without 2 in the title?’

‘Is Batman Returns the second Batman?’

‘…Is that what that movie is called? I’ve been calling it Batman 2: Returns for years.’

Three, speaking of Batman, can we get some Batman? Is there anyway that The Joker can interact with his arch nemesis the BATman? First Joker, okay. We’re finding out about how he became Joker. Great. Like it. Second movie, court proceedings from things he did in first movie…. okay… so… like where is Batman? Third one? Fourth one? Or are there three more movies in this franchise before the mans enemy shows up? Joker 3, he’s out of Arkham and setting up an apartment. Dating is hard for him and he can’t figure out his morning routine. Joker 4: Ikea, where Arthur builds a bed by himself while Harley Quinn calls him a little bitch beta boy from the kitchen.

‘I thought you were the leader of Gothams underworld, JOKER, not just a shrivelled dicked, eighty seven pound mamas boy who can’t keep a job!’

‘I can’t build this with you screaming at me!’

*Harley throws a fork in the sink and storms into the bedroom

‘Well I can’t get wet for a man who laughs when he’s nervous, alright?! I JUST CAN’T!’

*Arthur laughs and hands her his card

‘I’ve seen the goddamn card! I’VE SEEN IT!’

The Joker and Batman go together. Fox News can’t work without CNN. Rachel Maddow can’t work without Tucker Carlson. Not forever, anyway. A Batman movie with no enemies would suck too. Balancing his finances and polishing his cars. Having another Russian supermodel stop responding to his texts after calling him ‘shallow’ or just reading books about bats and their sonar ears.

‘Alfred, did you know that a vampire bat isn’t ACTUALLY a vamp…’

‘Master Wayne, your parents hired me, so I am obliged for some reason to live in this incredibly dark house and dust it daily even after they’re gone but, and forgive me, I can NOT hear another thing about bat droppings or their tiny teeth. This is the fifth movie in this franchise, Master Wayne. Your enemies can’t be power bills and Amazon deliveries.’

‘… The power bill is pretty high, though… maybe the power company can be my ene…’

‘Come off it, Master Wayne! Put on a cape and hit the streets for god sake I dust everything!’

Four, at this point, The Joker, The Joker one: UnFolie A No, is not great. The first Joker was great at the time because at the time there was NOTHING but Marvel movies. Nothing. You’d leave a Marvel movie and be forced to walk right into another one. Just joke after joke while planets blow apart. Nothing being taken seriously and seventy six of these things produced a day. The Joker was a welcome break from seeing Captain America AGAIN or Iron Man AGAIN or a character nobody but people who have been chained to a pipe in the basement of a comic book store know about AGAIN, but The Joker is two better movies jammed together. Taxi Driver and King Of Comedy. King Of Comedy is fantastic. You can just watch it. And King Of Comedy 2: Croissant, would have sucked. Rupert Pupkin is released from jail and tours the midwest until he’s sixty? Awful. Taxi Driver 2: How’s My Driving? Where Travis Bickle has to come to terms with a new world where taxis have basically eliminated cabs?

‘You talking to me? Are you talking to me?’

‘… No.. I’m waiting for my Uber…’

This is it. These are some thoughts. Joker 2 won’t be seen by me. Not in London or Albany. I will not sit through it mid day, or glue my eyes to it when it is streamays. Joker 2, what can we do, if the next one of his is him shovelling water for three hours, I will also not watch The Batman 2.

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