Nathan Macintosh

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on Conan, Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert, Just For Laughs

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

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New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Hard To Become Rich

Anyone who plays the lottery while working a sixty hour work week knows that it is hard to become rich. HARD. You don't get to keep all of your money, you don't even get to SEE all of the money. You see how much has been taken from you every two weeks, and you probably won't get that money back. 

Very rich people are rich. The rest of us believe we can get there if we just work hard enough. If we pound ourselves in the face for hours of hard work, we too can buy a tiger to throw off a cliff or whatever rich people do for fun. This doesn't seem to be true.

For one, if you are working a job, there is only so much you are allowed to work. Legally. If you are paid a certain amount for a forty hour a week job, and you say, 'Hey, I'll never get rich on this amount. I need to work more.' The company, legally, can not have you do that. Sure, you can work SOME overtime hours, but you can't just ask for the ol' 75 hour a week work shift to propel yourself to tiger throwing status. You LEGALLY, are not allowed to work enough to get to that point.

Another great thing is, if you work a job that DOES allow you to start shopping for Bengals, the government taxes you at such a high rate that there's no WAY you can pay for that tiger to be thrown off a cliff. You make a lot of money, and you think 'Great! I can FINALLY put a big cat in a sling and shoot it into the Grand Canyon!, and the government says, 'Hold on their, cat thrower. WE throw cats around you. YOU keep working and believing you'll one day be here too.' So you start making a lot of money, believing that you'll be one of those people, and the government taxes you an insane amount, making sure you NEVER get up to where they are.

The only people who TRULY have the money to toss a jungle cat into a hole, are some of the families who invented colours, the rail road, oil, Wal - Mart, that type of thing. They were able to make these insane amounts of money years and years ago, and with that money, make the rules on money. We're able to make it so there are a million loop holes for their millions. If they donate ten million a year or whatever to some said organization, like the 'International Cat Hurlers Union', or CHU, they will be GIVEN THAT MONEY BACK at the end of the year. It comes back to them. 

ALSO, because they have so much money, they can keep some here, BUT SEND THE REST TO A COUNTRY WITH DIFFERENT TAX LAWS AND NOT PAY TAX ON IT. So instead of grossing ten billion and netting six, they'll just gross the whole ten. There are a TON of cats you can buy with ten billion dollars. Pretty much all of them. You can PRETTY much buy every single cat in the jungle. Every cat from every home. You can round them al up in a big sack, pay the worlds strongest man to swing that sack around his head, and then throw it into a pit of death. 

You CAN buy stocks. You CAN invest. Sure. You can buy stocks that will go up and down, and this is really the way that most rich people become rich. Investing. You control how much money you put where. But what you CAN’T CONTROL, is what those stocks will do.

‘Yesterday my stocks were up! What the hell happened!’

Many things! Weather. Company selling. A President SAYING SOMETHING can affect the price of things. And NOW where are you? You are NOT, and I repeat NOT throwing Panthers into a Gucci bag and tossing them from a G5 I’ll tell you that. Now you’re stocks crash and what are you doing? You are living in an alley with a tabby that will NOT FORGET that you wanted to buy it’s bigger cousins and suck them through a window. It’s a strange, strange life, and it is hard to become rich in it.

 

Odor Punching Bautista

There are some people who are pretty happy about this. These people are mostly Texas Rangers fans, or people from Texas in general. 

'Odor punched Bautista! Screw that guy! He shouldn't have flipped his bat!'

Shouldn't have flipped his bat LAST YEAR? People have to go back and watch that game. Did Odor punch Andrus when he dropped those two easy outs? Maybe if he Odor would have smoked Andrus after he dropped the first one he wouldn't have dropped the second.

'Hey, Andrus!'

'Look, Odor I apo.... JESUS! Right in the teeth!'

'You're not gonna drop the next one are you?'

'... No sir.'

Andrus makes those plays, Bautista never gets up.

And for a second let's talk about Texas last year. Dyson, the hero that he is, tapped Tulo on the ass when he struck him out. Is there no unwritten rule on that? There's no, 'Hey, pitcher, if you strike a guy out don't go over and gloat in HIS FACE' rule? NONE? No, it would have been SUPER COOL with Texas if Price had struck out Beltre then went up and tapped his pockets. They would have LOVED that. 

ALSO, I'm not sure who this pitcher for Texas was, I want to say Holland but I could be wrong, but one of these dominant forces of sportsmanship was warming up in the bullpen. A Toronto fan dropped their play off towel and it floated beside this level headed individual. He picks it up, looks at the fan, and fake wipes his ass with it! Then throws it on the ground! This was a game or two BEFORE the bat flip. Now, if that there isn't reason enough to THROW A BAT IN THE AIR AFTER CRUSHING A HOMERUN AND DRIVING HOME THREE, not sure what is. 

Bautista talked at length after that game, saying the bat flip wasn't directed at Texas. It was an in the moment thing. And, after how insane that game was, it was perfect. Wasn't AT anybody.

So this year, in the last game of their series, Texas, still angry at Bautista, decide to 'get even.' They hit him with the ball and walk him. When he runs for second, he takes out Odor so that he can't make the double play to first. Odor pushes him, then smashes him in the face. Hero. Just a full hero. Taking out the second baseman has happened many times in baseball. Happened many times even by the good doctor ODOR HIMSELF. Was HE punched in the face? No. But, fine. 

Look! There's that hero! Doing EXACTLY what Bautista did. He's great! No punchings. 

Texas fans say 'Bautista got ROCKED! He lost that battle!' Now, the man DID get rocked. That punch was huge. Bautista said so when interviewed after. He said 'He got me good, I have to admit. But I guess it takes a bigger man than that to knock me down.' WHY did he say that? Because BAUTISTA DIDN'T FALL DOWN. Man was ROCKED in the jaw, and did not fall. Texas fans seem to think that doesn't matter.

'But he got ROCKED! Look at the punch!' 

Yeah. Look at it. Keep watching the video. Bautista does not fall, and is held by Beltre (who I like) while Odor is grabbed by a bunch of people. Kevin Pilar runs down from center field just swinging. But Bautista, does not fall. Which DOES STAND FOR SOMETHING. ANYwhere else it would. Boxing match, UFC fight. Brawl between two angry men outside of a bar. If a man outside of a bar ROCKED another man and that other man DIDN'T FALL, people around would go 'Woa. HOW did that man NOT fall?' For Texas fans though, that doesn't matter.

And, that's fine. Keep your non baseball baseball highlights. Get it on t-shirts. Reply Odor punching Bautista a thousand times and stop it directly after so you don't see Bautista catch his balance. Remember though that more people were knocked over by Bautista's bat flip then Odors punch. 

 

 

Going No Meat

Over the last little while I've started to think that I should stop eating meat. Not sure that it's helping my life at this point. I'm sure meat is okay with it.

'But hey, I'm meat! What in the hell am I dying for if no one is going to eat me!?'

'... Well if nobody eats you you won't have to die.'

'Why the hell wouldn't you want to eat me? I'm meat!'

'I mean, a couple of reasons.'

Me not wanting to eat meat much anymore doesn't really have a whole lot to do with the fact that an animal has to die. If I had to kill an animal to eat it? I wouldn't. That's just me. A lot of people could and can, and that's cool, but if I had to actually kill a thing to eat it, man, no way. Even a chicken. 

'Come here, chicken! You gotta die!'

'Why?! What did I do?!'

'Nothing! I just want to cook your tits!' 

'Dear god! Let me live! Just put them in your mouth!'

'No, I wanna eat 'em!'

Not being able to strangle a cow with my bare hands is not THE reason that I want to cut down on meat. . Big reason is that I don't really feel good after eating meat anymore. Specifically red meat. It now stops me from feeling like a normal person. I used to eat meat and still want to do things. Now, if I eat red meat, I don't want to move. Even just a burger.

'Buddy, look out! You're pulling the table cloth off of the table!!'

'Yeah, I need a blanket. Gonna nap in this booth.' 

'Jesus! Everything is on the floor.!'

'Shhhh! Could you please stop yelling? I'm exhausted over here.'

I've always eaten meat. At one point I was ADDICTED to chicken wings. I was eating at least two pounds a week for about four straight years. And before that I was still eating them, just not on such a regimented schedule. Just couldn't get enough chicken wings. When people would ask me what my favourite food was, chicken wings. When I went ANYWHERE, I would get chicken wings. Even places that I KNEW were not going to have good wings. Restaurants like 'We have good everything EXCEPT chicken wings. We swear to god. Don't order them here!' I'd get them and go, 'Ugh, these are terrible' while still eating them. After awhile, I looked awful and felt awful. Two pounds a week for four years! That's 104 pounds a year! Dear Christ. I ate that! If I could see a room full of all of the wings I've eaten, I'd throw up. It's enough wings for them to gather together and form some sort of wing voltron.

Having just turned 30, it feels like this is the time. Feels like this the time to decide if you're going to eat healthy and try to feel good from now on OR take the other road and just throw it all into the garbage. It doesn't get easier from here to live healthier, go to the gym and keep weight off. Only harder. At 20 I could eat pizza and still go somewhere. 30 if I have a couple of slices before I go to sleep, I wake up feeling like I drank.

'Dear god, how much did I.... Oh, nothing. I drank water and those three pieces of meat lovers pizza. CHRIST. I just hope I didn't drive home. Ugh.'

So, I'm trying. I'd love to just switch right to plants and no dairy. I'm sure I could, but it's going to take me a minute before I go full. But I'm slowly going full. Because whatever. I have had enough meat and dairy in my life. Had it. Do I NEED to keep doing it? How much milk do I have to drink? How many chicken tits do I need to suck on?! How many?! It's time to drink the milk of a million crushed almonds! It's time to the eat the tits off of some spinach! 

@nathanmacintosh

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