3 Situation That Prepare Us For Speed Walking Olympic Event

The Olympics. Most of us are never going. There are many events that you have NO chance in. You can’t just pick up throwing a javelin at 42. Going to be pretty hard to start doing high jump at 70. Hurdles? You going to pull yourself off the couch at 51 and start jumping little traffic signs? Sure, buddy. You sprained your ass stepping over the coffee table last week. Get the heating pad and sit back down. But Speed Walking? Now we’re talking. Which should be the slogan for this event.

‘Swimming?’

‘Naw, keep skimming.’

‘How ‘bout 100 metre dash?’

‘Big time pass…’

‘… Speed Walking?’

‘NOW we’re talking!’

The Olympics wants to call it Race Walking, but let’s grow up. That’s just them trying to make you believe that you can’t do it, and I’m here to say, you can. Not only can you, you’re already doing it a lot more than you think, and you can do it at one of the highest levels in the land. Here are a few ways you’re already training for one of the most accessible Olympic sports there is.

1. CROSSING THE STREET

   You’re at the corner waiting to cross, the light turns green, you start to walk, then notice your shoe is untied. You stop to tie it, look up to see the cross walk countdown. ‘9, 8…’ You panic. Start to tie faster. ‘6, 5…’ Cars engines are revving. ‘3, 2…’ A driver yells out of his car ‘You better not even THINK about crossing in front of me!’ You finally get your shoe tied, and Speed Walk across the street, hips flying. You make it just as a Tesla hits the strings on your jacket. You’ve made it. You’ve survived. And you’ve also just trained for a very real Olympic event.

2. CREEPY PERSON BEHIND YOU ON THE STREET

   You stumble out of that new ‘Fried Chicken And Skeet Shooting’ restaurant, full of Nashvilles Hot sauce and knowing you dominated those clay discs, and start to walk home. Out of seemingly nowhere, a creepy shows up behind you. A carabiner full of keys bouncing off their thigh. You turn around to see if it’s just a friendly janitor and notice the fangs. This isn’t a janitor at all. Maybe of the gate to hell, but not on this nice block of deep fried chicken and leisure sports. You don’t want to seem like a dork and start to fully run, also you’re jacked full of grease, but you pick it ups a bit. Arms swinging, legs going, and all of a sudden, you’re Speed Walking. Look at you. Escaped the grips of a demon AND you’re now one Speed Walk closer to a medal.

3. GETTING IN FRONT OF SOMEONE WITH A FULL CAR IN THE GROCERY STORE

   You step into the grocery store for one avocado and a beer. Your Saturday is about to be a party. You squeeze a couple ‘cados to find a good one, squeeze a couple beers to entertain yourself, and head to the checkout. You dancing to Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’ on the loud speaker when you see it. All the registers are full except for one, and who’s ONE step ahead of you about to pull in? A woman with an entire cart full of groceries. The top, the bottom, she’s got stuff all over the place. Bag of bananas is hanging off the side. Bag of dog food AND a bag of corn puffs line the bottom. You get stuck behind her? It’s gonna be an extra 20 minutes before you’re able to enjoy you Pilsner and some good fats. So you pick it up, Uptown Girl blaring overheard. The hip action. The step action. The arm movements. You’re speed walking. Sweat flying off your brow. You get in front of her JUST at the moment that it doesn’t look like you’re a complete criminal who just tried to cut her off. In. Out. Beer. Mouth. This situation alone should get you a Silver Medal, and in four years? It just might.

Places You CAN'T Dump A Dead Bear In New York City

Recently Presidential candidate and ‘BoFlex’ enthusiast RFK. Jr (man’s name is all letters), told a story about dumping the carcass of a bear in Central Park. Was he walking through Central Park when a bear jumped out at him and he had to put it in the Boston Crab until it’s back snapped? Did the bear owe the mob money and RFK. Jr was a hitman at the time? No. RFK was driving down a highway, a bear jumped out in front of another driver who hit it, and RFK pulled over, collected the bear so that he could skin it and take the meat (not sure if this actually happened but this is what he said he took the bear for) and then dumped the dead bear in Central Park. That’s right. Not even back on the highway from whence it came. A global landmark is where this body needed to go.

Why wouldn’t he call animal control? Why would he carry an animal corpse through Central Park shirtless while covered in baby oil? Surely there are OTHER places to dump an expired woodland creatures body after you take its fur. Well hold on, because if you think about it, what RFK. Jr has/had done here is pretty ingenious. There might be only ONE places you could throw Baloo in New York without being caught, and here are a few options that are NOT that.

1. TIMES SQUARE

   So you’re tooling around in your Ford F-150, and out of nowhere a black bear decides to see if it really is built ‘Ford Tough’. Bam! Bears head blows right off, and now here you are, Waylon Jennings on the radio and a bear cadaver on your hood. Where do you dump it? Times Square? Seems like a good idea, you think, nobody’s gonna see this what with all the advertisements to look at… wrong. There are a LOT of people there, and they are NOT bears. Also all of the lights are on. Constantly. You’ll be caught in a second. Central Park absolutely beats dumping your new dead friend beside a guy dressed like Spider-Man. Head up town.

2. THE SUBWAY

   Who’s going to notice a deceased brown bear on the A Train? There’s a guy selling pigeons, people putting on a dance show and a mother of three trying to figure out where the fourth one went. Nobody will notice this dead bear I accidentally killed at the Bronx zoo here! Wrong. People don’t pay attention to the ‘Showtime!’ people, the pigeon sellers, or care at all if someone lost their child, but riding beside a full dead bear? That’s going to raise some eyebrows. TAKING the A Train to Central Park to DUMP the dead bear will suprisingly NOT come off as suspicious, but just leaving it there?! No dice. Head to the park.

3. THE CYCLONE IN CONEY ISLAND

   You’ve had a long day of following people on the highway hoping they hit a bear you can steal, and finally, someone does. You pull over, yell to the person in the other vehicle ‘stay in your car! That’s MY meat!’ as you run over and pick up this animal. Once you skin it and make a little hat, where do you put it? Well, you’ve always wanted to ride the rollercoaster in Coney Island, maybe this can be a two for one? Have a littler excitement and dump my dead friend. Nobody will suspect a thing if I leave him on the… wrong. People will notice. A LOT of people. First one? The carney working the ride. This isn’t his first rodeo when it comes to furless, meat pulled off of them dead animals. He’s been living on the land and cans of beans for years. Nothing gets passed him. Want to leave it on his ride? BAD idea, hombre. Get to Central and toss it in a bush.

So you see, RFK.Jr made the right decision. He dumped the bear in just about the ONE place where nobody would find him out for dumping it, until he one day for absolutely zero reason decided to tell people that he was the one who Jimmy Hoffa’d this Asiatic. Thank god New York keeps this parking/dead body dumping ground alive.

Michael Phelps Never Should Have Been Able To Compete Against People

There’s been a lot of talk this week about women’s boxing at the Olympics. An Algerian boxer dominated an Italian boxer and people are now trying to say that maybe she was born a man. People are claiming that maybe she transitioned into a woman. Let’s go back a bit further to another story that did not get as much coverage. When a fish transitioned into a man. When a marine animal became human. Michael Phelps, the unreal tall, double ankle jointed phenom has much more in common with the very noble porpoise than he does any of us tiny wingspan mortals.

Michael Phelps, this double lung capacity mutant, was out there just crushing regular, single lung capacity dorks. Couple of losers with regular, human, breakable, combustable useless SINGLE lung capacity lungs? How is this fair? Where’s the challenge for him? How does he sleep at night? DOUBLE the capacity. Not even the same species.

‘I have 23 gold medals!’

‘How’d you get them?’

‘I drove a Ferrari on the 100 metre dash. Crushed everyone!’

This man never should have competed against people. Get him out of the pool and into the ocean. Toss him in the Atlantic and find some competition. How much better would that be anyway? Want to watch a bunch of people compete for second place against this tuna? Or see him neck and neck with a great white shark? Photo finish with a swordfish? Interview after would be great.

‘Wow! That was close. What were you thinking in the final moments?’

‘What was I thinking? I was thinking ‘I’m a dolphin. A full dolphin. I do this EVERY DAY and this MAN is right beside me?! Keeping up?! What the hell is going on here?! is what I was thinking. I mean look at me. I have fins. A blowhole. This should be easy but wow… I’ve never been tested like this… (Dolphin noise)’

Only man he should be able to compete against is Aquaman. Poseidon. Anybody with a trident and the ability to surf whales. Not just some guy born in Cleveland with regular human lungs. Not just some dweebie with regular human ankles and a wingspan that can barely reach the Wheaties on the top shelf. You have to swim against men who have the power to control waves. Your natural, Water God given talents exclude you from human men.

Some athletes are going to have some advantages for sure. Parents who care, a house with a family room, indoor plumbing, but wingspan not seen by just about anybody? Double jointed ankles that basically act as rudders? Yes there are genetics but these are X-Men levels. Can Professor X be on Jeopardy? Can Juggernaut compete in a strongman competition?

‘Look he won the Discus Throw fair and square'.’

‘He’s a 9’6” man with Superhuman strength! Buddy can pick up the Chrysler Building!’

‘But he IS a man, so….’

Maybe we should stop placing athletes together by gender at all at the olympics and change it to genetics. We measure people’s genetics and pair them up accordingly. Maybe you’ll compete with women. Maybe you’ll compete with men. Your great great grandfathers blood line will determine this. Except Phelps. His great great grand father was a Seahorse. HIs mom is Flipper and his dad is Jaws. Admit it, Phelps. Give these medals to the poor men who you dominated with your powers, who have now become dock workers, and get into the sea to earn them back. (Dolphin noise)