Watched The Academy Awards One Time

I wanted to watch and watched the Oscars once. Jurassic Park was out and THAT year I wanted to watch. THAT year I had a dog in the fight. Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park is still one of my favourite movies, but as a nine year old? It was the greatest thing that ever happened. So that year, I wanted to watch the Oscars. In my mind, Jurassic Park HAD to win best picture. What in the hell else could win?! I mean, the movie had DINOSAURS. REAL dinosaurs that you could touch. Not 'real' real obviously, but an actual dinosaur was made. I didn't see any of the other movies that year that the Academy said were better than Jurassic Park. You weren't telling me, a nine year old, that The Fugitive was a better movie than Jurassic Park. You kidding me? Eat my shorts. Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones chasing each other around? NOPE. Dinosaurs. Where in the hell were the dinosaurs? In Jurassic Park, that's where. You weren't telling nine year old me that Schindlers List was a better movie that Jurassic Park. Oh, I'm sorry Spielberg, but you already MADE a great movie this year. It's called Jurassic Park. THAT'S the one that needs an award. Not a very well made movie about an awful time in history. NOPE. Where are the dinosaurs? In Jurassic Park, that's where. 

What I didn't know as a kid, was that the Academy awards are not for movies like Jurassic Park. Too big. Too fun. Too 'really? COME on.' If Jurassic Park had been the only movie that came out that year, the Academy STILL wouldn't have given it Best Picture. It would have been given to a sad Drunk Driving commercial or something. 

'And the winner of Best Picture this year is... God. No movies were made? Oh, just not movies that are the way you like them to be? Okay, well, the winner for best picture is, that commercial where a cook slips and pours boiling hot water on himself due to an unsafe work environment.' 

The Academy Awards are reserved for 'good movies', movies where a guy plays a mentally challenged person. Movies where a woman plays a person who believes she's a tree and lives in the park. A movie about a sick OL janitor who can cure cancer by throwing a mop at patients. Sad movies where people cry, get emotional, leave their kids on what they think is a slide, but is actually a wood chipper and then they have to take their little wood chipped piece kids in bags to school and family functions. 

'Wood chip pieces?.... Are Wood Chip pieces here?'

'They are, Ms. Alberts, but they are Wood Chips. They can't raise their ha....'

'Was I TALKING to you, Curtis? No, so just sit down and keep sending in that slop you call 'homework'. Now, WOOD CHIPS. ARE. YOU. HERE?'

The Academy also loves movies where actors are alone. Where? Who cares! As long as they are alone. Alone in the woods! Alone on an island! Alone in space! Alone in their own head! Alone in a dumpster behind sizzler! Alone on a beach!

'I just think it's amazing to watch a man talk to a rock as if it's his wife for two hours. Or a woman befriend a branch of a tree. I mean, the human condition is so present here. When are we at our best? WHEN WE ARE ALONE MAKING FRIENDS WITH DUST AND DIRT AND SANDWICH WRAPPERS AND SUCH. THAT'S when.'

Point here is, I don't think the Academy Awards are for us. 'Us' being regular people who walk the earth, like things, have jobs and bills and try to have a good time. Not saying that the movies the Academy likes are not also liked by us, but that movies that are liked by us are almost NEVER liked by the Academy. A fun movie, for example, will NEVER win an Academy Award. Fun movies are able to win a surf board at the 'Bunch Of Movies That Whatever' Awards. A movie like The Dark Knight is able to win a golden Shrimp Boat at the 'Holy Hell! Movie Awards!' show. But the Oscars? No. 

I could be very wrong, but I don't think that anyone who picks the nominations for the Oscars is, or has ever been, a real part of society. Were they ever bored just cruising the mall for something to do? Have they ever just scrolled through Netflix looking for something they never find? I don't think so. I don't think these 'people' were ever people. They have always floated high above. They have always drank white cranberry juice. They have always had people open their car doors. They have always studied the art of acting, and the thought that it has to be serious and sad to be a 'great' movie. 

Which I think is why the movies that a lot of people like, they could care less for. I think to some degree, they look down on the people who like these movies that many people like. If movies that are not loved by the Academy could be kept out of the theatre, I think they would love that. 

'How can a REAL movie be shown in the same building as 'Fart Bus 5: Who Farted? WE ALL DID!' I just think it should be shown in a gutter, or a junk yard, or on the bottom of a hobo's shoe, NOT in the same building as a great acted and directed movie such as 'The Alonementing', one man's beautiful journey from childhood to dwelling alone in a closet weeping under pieces of clothing. Now THAT is cinema.'

I've never really understood the allure of watching awards shows. Rich people getting MORE awards for their work as if tons of money is not enough. And if they DON'T win an award, they are still winning. THERE ARE NO LOSERS AT THE OSCARS. IN THE CROWD, ON THE STAGE. NO WHERE. The only difference between watching these and watching a bank hand out bonuses is that the actors have at least given us some form of entertainment. The bank has not.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

FOUR PEOPLE WHO PICK THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS

There is outrage this year over the Oscar nominations. Last year as well. It seems every year there are nominations that people don't understand, nominations people miss, and flat out snubs. Which begs the questions, WHO are these people who choose the nominations? Where do they dig up these people, and why do we never see them? Why do they never come out and defend their choices, or sit at a Starbucks, or be seen in public AT ALL around regular human people who watch movies? It seems as though the Academy really wants judges who nobody knows, who are locked up in a cage, only watching and judging movies. Well, with a lot of digging, favours, and bribes, I was able to find out who four of the Oscar judges are.

THE GATEKEEPER OF OZ

This man is very elusive. He has a cushy job working for the Wizard, and when he's not there he's shopping online for green clothing. Only one group of a scarecrow, a talking lion, a man made of tin who needs a heart for some reason even though he's tin and tin cannot sustain a heart, and a woman who floated on a tornado have seen him. He lives in a fictitious world that none of us occupy and this is EXACTLY why the Academy reached out to him. Since 1939, he has helped the Academy choose movies, and since 1939, he's never been seen again. 

Favourite Movie: The one he was in. 

PEARL, THE GIANT VAMPIRE FROM BLADE

Pearl has been picking these movies for a long time. I mean, LOOK at him. This is a full time job for him. It's also why you never see him. He takes this job very seriously. He sits in a room, no clothes on, just eating, and watching movies. And he's a tough critic! Only likes foreign films and buddy cop movies, which he has been FIGHTING to get nominations for since Rush Hour. Once, in 1998, when he was watching Titanic to make a decision on best film of that year, Blade kicked in his door and burned him with a UV lamp. He finished the movie with a horrible burn, and even with the thought of third degree burns still in his head, he voted for it and Titanic took home the gold that year. 

Favourite Movie: Not Blade. 

THE GHOST OF JD SALINGER

JD Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye, a book that made three people kill other people, and made a lot of students write a lot of essays. After JD wrote the book, he moved into the mountains and became a recluse. He famously hated the public and wanted to be alone. People thought he was writing. Wrong. Once the Academy found out that he wasn't apart of society anymore, they reached out to him to help decide Oscar nominations. For years he lived amongst the trees and chose movies. He passed away in 2010, but with Ouija boards, the Academy reaches out to him every year in the afterlife to ask him his opinion. 

Favourite Movie: Books. 

FIDO DIDO, THE 7UP GUY

In the 90s, this crude drawing had it all. Fame, money, respect, crudely drawn women by his side. He was everywhere and everyone loved him. Then, as the 2000s rolled around and Nelly became hot, people didn't find the need to have small pencil marks tell them which beverage to buy. That, and also a scandal involving him and the brown M&M, left Fido Dido without a job and he went into hiding. THIS is when the Academy reached out to him about Oscar nominations. Fido now lives on a piece of paper, sending in his nominations on smaller pieces of paper. He's big on Pixar movies and yells every year that 'actors faces no longer need to be seen!' The Academy thinks other wise. 

Favourite movie: Aladdin And The King Of Thieves (He hands indicate how close he was to being in it.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

9 TIMES I WOULD HAVE DIED IN THE REVENANT

The Revenant is a great movie, and also made me think of how many times I would have died in the 1800's. I wouldn't have made it anywhere. People say they wouldn't be able to sleep inside of a dead horse. I'd be done a LONG time before I'm thrown off the cliff on a horse.

WALKING IN A RIVER WEARING FUR

You ever try walking through a river? Not the easiest. Have you ever tried walking through a river while you're wrapped up in comforters? It's PRETTY tough. So if you're draped in a dead bear and have to cross a river? Not happening. First time someone said we had to cross this river, I'd say where's the bridge? They'd say stop being a baby, walk the river, and I'd say, NOPE! Good night, friends. I'm laying here until I'm dead like the bear I'm wearing. 

WEARING WET MOCCASINS 

If today, in 2016, I'm going somewhere and I step in a puddle, I'm going home. That's the end of going to wherever I was going to. No more friends house, bank trip, grocery store, wherever. It's toast. People in The Revenant are constantly in and out of cold rivers wearing cloth shoes. No socks, just the hide of a mir cat or whatever. You step out of a river, and don't dry off, just keep walking a trail? Nope. Not me. First step in a river wearing the skin of a cat, I'm laying down and waiting for trench foot or whatever to kill me. 

HAVING DRY MOCCASINS

I mean, moccasins? You kidding me? A flappy little shoe while walking in the wilderness? No arch support? No air bubbles for cushioning? Just deer hide tied around your foot? No way. No different colours to stand out amongst the other people walking through the woods with you? No different brands? Can't do it. Your foot is going to feel AWFUL stepping on sticks and rocks. If I have to wear the same dirt animal skin on my foot as everyone else, I'm out. I'm laying down and waiting for Adidas to exist.

SLEEPING OUTSIDE

I can't. Once houses with electricity and running water became real, the woods became a place we should only ever be lost in. The woods are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half. I can barely sleep in a hotel room, but the woods? On the ground, beside some trees that animals pee on? And that's NOW, but if I had to sleep with no sleeping bags and inside a couple of sticks put together with fur draped over it? Can't do it. I'll lay on the ground and wait for apartment buildings. 

THE WOODS ARE EVERYWHERE

So, the woods, which are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half are the ONLY thing around? What are we walking for? Why are we continuing on this journey only to get to more trees? I'm done. I like cities. I like people. I like houses. I like looking down a road and seeing SOMETHING. I like looking down a road! Not just a trail of death to nothing. Just walking through the woods, only to get to more woods? Yuck. What would be the point?

'Hey, where are we?'

'The woods.'

'And where are we going?'

'It's all woods, broheem.'

Goodnight, world. I would lay down and wait for the future and cities to be built around me.

EATING A BISON HEART

Not today, daddy. I've walked out of a sandwich place that didn't have avocado. I can't eat a raw bison heart. If someone throws you a raw bison heart, you can't ask them for hot sauce, a plate, avocado, bread. Nothing. If they had ANY of that, they wouldn't have thrown you a raw bison heart. They'd toss a side as well. But there's none of that. It's The Revenant. No Franks Red Hot, no paper plates. So a raw bison heart? No, sir. I'm using the bison heart as a pillow, and going to sleep on it until restaurants happen. 

LIGHTING A FIRE

I was in boy scouts, and it would be nice to say that if I'm alone in the woods and it gets dark, I can light a fire and stay warm. Be nice to say, but not true at all. In boy scouts I learned that you might have to sell apples outside of a liquor to raise money. I learned I can't tie any knots. I learned that if your parents are the scout leaders, then your cub car is a winner no matter what. Didn't learn how to light a fire out of nothing. First night in the woods where a fire is needed? That's it. I'm laying down, and waiting for cold death to take me out.

FIRST CAMP ATTACK

So I just killed a deer, and I hear that people are clearly attacking the camp that I am supposed to drag this deer back to. Do I leave the deer and head back to fight? NOPE. I stay with the deer until the heat dies down, then I go back to the camp and check all my dead friends for hot sauce. I sit down, I cook the deer, douse it in hot sauce and that's it. I run out of deer? I wait for jesus to come and take me. 

NO GLOVES

No one is The Revenant has gloves. At least not good gloves. They have a cows uterus or an eagles skinned back wrapped around their hands, but that's not enough. That's not insulated. There's no heat tech there. They didn't have gloves or pockets. If you'r wearing the fur of a dead animal without gloves? You also have no pockets to tuck your hands into. If I'm walking around in the freezing cold with no gloves or no pockets? I'm going home. If I'm doing that AND having to fight off bears and old man winter? I'm done. I'm laying down and waiting for frost bite to take me away. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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