Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates:

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Filtering by Tag: funny

FOUR PEOPLE WHO PICK THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS

There is outrage this year over the Oscar nominations. Last year as well. It seems every year there are nominations that people don't understand, nominations people miss, and flat out snubs. Which begs the questions, WHO are these people who choose the nominations? Where do they dig up these people, and why do we never see them? Why do they never come out and defend their choices, or sit at a Starbucks, or be seen in public AT ALL around regular human people who watch movies? It seems as though the Academy really wants judges who nobody knows, who are locked up in a cage, only watching and judging movies. Well, with a lot of digging, favours, and bribes, I was able to find out who four of the Oscar judges are.

THE GATEKEEPER OF OZ

This man is very elusive. He has a cushy job working for the Wizard, and when he's not there he's shopping online for green clothing. Only one group of a scarecrow, a talking lion, a man made of tin who needs a heart for some reason even though he's tin and tin cannot sustain a heart, and a woman who floated on a tornado have seen him. He lives in a fictitious world that none of us occupy and this is EXACTLY why the Academy reached out to him. Since 1939, he has helped the Academy choose movies, and since 1939, he's never been seen again. 

Favourite Movie: The one he was in. 

PEARL, THE GIANT VAMPIRE FROM BLADE

Pearl has been picking these movies for a long time. I mean, LOOK at him. This is a full time job for him. It's also why you never see him. He takes this job very seriously. He sits in a room, no clothes on, just eating, and watching movies. And he's a tough critic! Only likes foreign films and buddy cop movies, which he has been FIGHTING to get nominations for since Rush Hour. Once, in 1998, when he was watching Titanic to make a decision on best film of that year, Blade kicked in his door and burned him with a UV lamp. He finished the movie with a horrible burn, and even with the thought of third degree burns still in his head, he voted for it and Titanic took home the gold that year. 

Favourite Movie: Not Blade. 

THE GHOST OF JD SALINGER

JD Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye, a book that made three people kill other people, and made a lot of students write a lot of essays. After JD wrote the book, he moved into the mountains and became a recluse. He famously hated the public and wanted to be alone. People thought he was writing. Wrong. Once the Academy found out that he wasn't apart of society anymore, they reached out to him to help decide Oscar nominations. For years he lived amongst the trees and chose movies. He passed away in 2010, but with Ouija boards, the Academy reaches out to him every year in the afterlife to ask him his opinion. 

Favourite Movie: Books. 

FIDO DIDO, THE 7UP GUY

In the 90s, this crude drawing had it all. Fame, money, respect, crudely drawn women by his side. He was everywhere and everyone loved him. Then, as the 2000s rolled around and Nelly became hot, people didn't find the need to have small pencil marks tell them which beverage to buy. That, and also a scandal involving him and the brown M&M, left Fido Dido without a job and he went into hiding. THIS is when the Academy reached out to him about Oscar nominations. Fido now lives on a piece of paper, sending in his nominations on smaller pieces of paper. He's big on Pixar movies and yells every year that 'actors faces no longer need to be seen!' The Academy thinks other wise. 

Favourite movie: Aladdin And The King Of Thieves (He hands indicate how close he was to being in it.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Fat head.

I had a fat head. For awhile. The one up there. Did I notice that I had a fat head? Not really. People every once in awhile would make some comment about me. Somebody would mention something. I didn't really notice it. But then, last year on my birthday, in an act of kindness, Liz bought me a slice of cake for my birthday. In the cake, she put a picture of my face on a stick as a joke. The picture up there. I truly hated this picture. It was a picture of me, at some damn point in time over the last few years, with a god damn salt filled head. Just a giant head. In a cake! This was horrifying to me. 

'Happy birthday!'

'Ah my GOD. THAT'S what I look like? And THAT'S what I'll continue to look like if I eat this cake?'

'Ha...ppy Birt....hda...y to....'

'No! I look like a slug in pants!' *Throws cake against wall*

'Why do you always ruin things?! Why?!"

"It's my birthday! I'll ruin it if I want to! Don't make me yell, it makes my stupid fat head jiggle!"

That picture is and has been beside me at this desk for one year. I look at it every once in awhile and think, 'Jesus. No chocolate today.'

Chocolate actually was never the issue. You know what I was addicted to? The piece of food that I probably had two pounds of a week for about four straight years? Wings. Ol' dirty wings. I LOVED wings. The sauce, the chicken, the damn blue cheese. Loved it all. I would eat these for dinner. Dinner! On just about every menu they are an appetizer. People decided years ago that these were BEFORE a meal. Maybe to split with a couple of people. But for me? No way.

'Excuse me. Would I be able to just get some bread. Like two orders of bread.'

'Of course. And for dinner?'

'Wow. Did you not hear me you? Maybe you'll hear this, garCON. BREAD. THAT is the dinner. The dinner... is.... BREAD. LOTTA balls on the french.' 

Wings were my deal. When I was about ten, my mom would take me and my brother to this bar. This bar was in a mall, and directly outside the bar was an arcade. When arcades were a thing, sick, and every game was fifty cents max. My brother and I would play games in here forever. It was great. In the bar though, we would eat chicken wings. Why? They were ten cents. Ten cents a wing! At a time when wings were a thing, but people looked way down on them. 

'We're gonna toss these in the trash. Cool?'

'I'll give you ten cents for one of them.'

'You think other people would?'

'I don't know. Can I have the one that I'm willing to pay for?'

Would eat like twenty wings here. This went on here for years. Then in high school, I used to go to this bar that had karaoke, and a wing night. Wings by this time had gone up a bit in price. This wing night was thirty cents a wing. I remembered being angry about that. 

'Thirty cents? Back in my day, you could get THREE wings for that?!'

'Nathan, you're 18.'

'Yeah, and BACK IN THE DAY, when I wasn't PAYING for them, they were cheaper.'

There was also a time years ago when I was addicted to Lime Coke and Dill Pickle chips. Loved these. One Friday after work, I bought three big bags of Dill Pickle chips and a two litre bottle of the Lime. Went home, and played Midnight Club Three: Dub Edition. Crushed two bags of those chips that night, and like half the bottle. Just stupid. The last couple years, I didn't notice too much. My last day job five years ago, I bought a can of pringles on pretty much every lunch break, and eat the whole thing! 

'Huh. Once you pop you can't stop, right Nathan?'

'What?'

'You're eating a can of pringles.'

'And? So what?'

'The chips are gone. You're just eating the can.'

'... Jesus, CHRIST. Gotta get my stuff together.'

Seeing this picture of myself in a cake is what made me get serious. That gross head, to me, made me say no cake is worth this. My birthday is next month, and I'm going near cake. Unless it's carrot. And all the cake stuff has been taken out and it's just a carrot on a plate. 

'Happy birthday, Nathan! Here is a piece of ca.....'

'Carrot? You're about to say carrot, right!? I swear to GOD if I see cake I'm flipping this place!'

'Why do you always have to ruin things?'

'It's my birthday! I'll ruin this damn thing if I wa... Oh, it's not cake. It is a carrot.'

'Ha...ppy Birth....day.... to.... oh god.'

'Don't cry. It'll make me want to eat cake and get a fat head again.'

*Note* I'm not an animal. The above will not happen. And I'll probably have cake on my birthday. But, that fat head? I CANnot again. This is my own thing. You do whatever you want. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

 

 

 

 

Fringe people. Do they get gifts?

Christmas time! That means presents and gifts for people you really know, and maybe some for some you don't. Who do you get gifts for? Everyone you know? Only people that have been to your house? It's hard to tell. Here is a list of fringe people in your life and whether you should get gifts for them. 

Person at work you want to sex.

Do you get them a gift? Everyday they walk through the office and you want to blow them. So does that mean they get a gift? If you've never slept with them, this could be a way in. But even better, don't get them anything. You know who people want to have sex with? People who they think hate them. 

A guy you work with who tells you racist jokes.

I mean, this guy is always on. Always on racist jokes, but still. They are always racist. Does this guy need a gift? He's made you laugh a couple of times. He has great thoughts about polish people and black people walking into the same bar. But no, this human does not need anything from you.  Around this time of year, just laugh extra hard at these dumb jokes in lieu of a gift. That's all he wants anyway. You could even tell him a joke in his style.

"A racist man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a gift. The bartender says, 'Stop telling these ridiculous jokes, Barry! It's 2014!"

Your girlfriends best friend.

No. 

Dad of a guy you met five times.

This one is tough. You met a guy five times. But, you liked him. You'd like to hang out with him more. How do you do that? You can't give him a gift. You only met him five times! That's insanity. So, get his dad a gift. Yeah! Dads don't get a lot of gifts as it is. Also, the guy you met five times will appreciate the fact that you went out of your way to hunt down his dads address, break into his house and find out what size his shirt is, and get him a shirt! You'll be hanging out with that guy for the sixth time, and his dad will  be shocked by a gift from a human he doesn't know. 

You're a man. A best friends wife.

 

Can you just get her a gift for her alone? Well, no. Not unless you are trying to steal her away from your best friend. Not unless you are secretly doing the Christmas Secret Santa stocking stuffer under the tree sex dance. If you are not, you have to get her and him a together gift, and give it to them while they are together. Or just mail it to them or whatever. But gift for her alone and given to her alone? You are not a good person. You are a demon who can not be trusted around anyone's partner. 

The cashier you see every week grocery shopping.

You two have a repoire. You have over twelve items? She waves you in anyway. You don't have your points card for the discounts and sales? She gives them to you anyway. So, Christmas time, do you give them a gift? No. For gods sake. Of course not. This is a CASHIER, at a place that you SHOP. Is it your mom? Your sister? Somebody at work that you want to do the Christmas wrapping pantsless eggnog dance with? Then no. You want others to see you handing a gift to a cashier? Your funeral, bud. Your funeral.

Jesus Christ. Lord and Saviour. 

The whole day is supposed to be celebrating him. He died for our sins, and was born on Christmas so that we could all wear sweatpants and go buy popcorn in the theatre. So, do you get Jesus a gift? First, what do you get the man who has everything? Do you get him anything anyway? Answer is... no. What an ignorant thing to get Jesus a gift. He's the son of god! You work at Wal- mart! He needs something from you? Please. He can turn water into wine. He doesn't need your chotchkies. Also, how do you get it to him? Leave it at a church? Throw it into the sky? Just calm down. He's fine without the 'Don't Pray To Me Before I've Had My Morning Coffee' mug.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

DONATE TO SUPPORT POSITIVE ANGER!