Bill Gates And The Vaccine... A Theory

There are a lot of people who think that Bill Gates, the man behind Microsoft and the Xbox, created a vaccine with a microchip in it to make people autistic. Either they themselves OR their children. Why? Maybe Bill himself is autistic and wants everyone to be? Maybe Bill just wants to see if he can do it? Who knows. But there are MANY PEOPLE who believe that Bill Gates and the vaccine are up to no good. Could it be though that Bill Gates just wants to be inside of us in some way? Could it be that Bill Gates already MADE people autistic? Let’s discuss…

Bill Gates HAS PROVEN before that he wants to be in people (well, people's homes). First off, Microsoft. Mr. Gates wanted computer software IN YOUR HOUSE. He wasn’t happy with people going to the library to use a computer, he wanted it in YOUR PRIVATE RESIDENCE. On every street. In every neighbourhood.

‘This is GREAT. They are surfing the net with my software. They’d never invite me in because of my khakis, odd hair and full-on software talk, but I’M IN.’

This was the FIRST TIME that BILL GATES got inside of us. People accepted Microsoft into their homes and Bill Gates, for the time being, got his fill of being in people.

‘I did it! I actually got into people’s houses! Now if they just KEEP THEIR HANDS on my keyboards which quells my ego, we will be fine.’

However, not only were people surfing, people were also playing. People would TAKE TIME AWAY from aggressively slow, unbelievably annoying surf speeds to play VIDEO GAMES. So fast, so fun, video games were basically the opposite of having the internet screech at you then take HOURS to see anything. This INFURIATED the Gates.

‘Hey! Why are these people taking time away from surfing! I have an ego!’

‘Well, sir, there are many other things going on. People have kids. People have jobs. People ha...’

‘I want answers! My glasses are fogging up! What could POSSIBLY be better than turning on a machine that makes a noise like a gate of hell opening then spending HOURS to get anything done on it?!’

‘We… well… video games, sir. Yes video games! They are fun and challenging and have controllers…’

‘Fun?! Video games?! I don’t know what any of that means but I know this… I want people to PLAY them with me. If they PLAY with MY CONTROLLER, I will FULLY own them’

‘…Was I supposed to hear that last pa…’

‘Here’s some RAM. Keep your mouth shut.’

So BILL Gates, the ‘Microsoft wants you to play with his controller guy’, made the Xbox. The Xbox, arguably the ugliest video game system ever made. People may say ‘What about the Atari 2600? Surely THAT looked worse than the original Xbox. I mean it was the 70s for Christ Sake!’

The Atari 2600 not only looked like a CB Radio (which is badass), there were basically NO examples of what a video game system could or should look like. The Xbox, however, had MANY examples of what a video game system should/could look like, and the Xbox said no. The Xbox decided they didn’t care WHAT other systems looked like. They were made by a man who called his company MICRO SOFT. Two words you’d NEVER want said about your package. So Xbox went hog ‘10-4 good buddy’ wild.

‘Look, I’m thinking that it should look ridiculous. And BIG’

‘Really? Do you think that’s a good idea?’

‘YES. And each controller should be as big as the Super Nintendo itself. I’m talking HUGE.’

‘…Okay Mr. Gates, we can do that, but why?’

‘Don’t ask questions you ape! I know where you surf! Make it. And JET black. Witch's hair black. And put grills on it. And a big X on the top. Like you found where treasure's buried! Again, and I can’t stress this enough, HUGE. Kids could be killed if it falls on them. You wouldn’t want in your house at all. It will fight your TV to gain dominance over other appliances. It will slap your dad and call him a bitch! I’m talking BIG!’

‘…Are you okay, sir?’

‘…I’ll be fine.’

‘Mom I need this system! It’s SO COOL! Unless you look at it AT ALL or take a GLANCE at the guy who made it! SO COOL!’

So the Xbox was made. A machine, with MANY MICROCHIPS in it (Were they listening? Were they watching?) However, the Xbox was on pace to sell ZERO units. It was just too big and there was NOTHING cool about it. It was made by MICROSOFT, which was made by local dork BILL GATES, a man who mostly wears baby blue sweaters over plaid dress shirts and for sure says things like ‘Ketchup is spicy.’ It was HIDEOUS. An absolute monstrosity. It should have been hunted. It should have been set free in the woods and targeted by people with rifles.

‘I think I hear something…’

Beep boop beep boop.

‘Oh god! There it is! Aim for big green X!’

Beep boop BANG BANG.

‘It got me! It’s choking me with one of its cables! Ahhhhhh!’

So how could Mr. Gates get people to buy this grotesque piece of equipment? Bill himself doesn’t play video games. You can’t take his word for it. He says things like, ‘AH these pretzels are burning my tongue.’ Then Bill had an idea… autism. Not that HE had it, but that it could be used to sell this trash heap he called the Xbox. But HOW could Bill Gates make the public at large mostly autistic and get them to believe this system, with ONE GAME WORTH PLAYING, was worth the money and the constant bashing from friends who owned PlayStation or Nintendo? Bill then remembered one of his many travels around the world stuffing Microsoft stickers and cords into people’s pockets. The witch doctor…

Mr. Gates had gone to a remote part of the world because he NEEDED everyone to have a piece of him in their house. Whether their house was a hut, a tree, or a pair of shoes, they NEEDED Microsoft. Once, while wandering a jungle looking for another person to pawn Microsoft onto, Bill Gates came across a witch doctor. The witch doctor needed Microsoft like he needed another shrunken head, but also knew an opportunity when he saw one. He’d accept Microsoft into his tiki hut, if MR. GATES would take this back to civilization… a green ring that caused autism. Bill Gates, an ego maniac who wants to be in EVERYONES HOUSE, left a motherboard for the witch doctor, and took the green ring back with him.

Remembering this, Bill Gates ordered EVERY XBOX to be fitted with a GREEN RING, that would lull the public into an autistic trance and make them purchase the most disgusting appliance/console/death machine they’d ever purchase. AND IT WORKED. MILLIONS of this piece of garbage were sold, brought into peoples homes and ran CONSTANTLY, that green ring flashing at whoever was in the room.

‘I’ve done it! I’m now not only the thing people surf on, but for hours and hours a day they put my controller in their hand! Sure I’ve changed them mentally but I’ve gotten what I wanted!’

People couldn’t get enough of the system whose controller was the size of a spare tire. People couldn’t stop playing THE ONLY GAME worth playing on a machine the size of a trunk. They bought hats, shirts, and even underwear with the green ring on it. They were HOOKED… and Bill found himself unhappy. He knew deep down the Xbox was a sham. What had he done? He’d made millions of hard-working people believe that the XBOX was WORTH OWNING when CLEARLY, CLEARLY it was a heap of shit.

‘Look at what I did… I turned people into drooling idiots who actually believe that this system is a thing. And for what? So a witch doctor would take some Microsoft. He didn’t even have electricity! Dear god. I can’t turn back the brains I’ve melted but ONE DAY… I will make it up to them.’

From then on, Bill Gates tried. He created some kind of thing to turn pure sewage into clean drinking water. He’s started foundations and has donated millions to world hunger. And then, the big one… Covid. This was Bill's chance to REALLY help people that he’s destroyed with a horrific system and gross controllers. So Bill Gates is trying once again to apologize to the public with a vaccine for corona, due to all the autism and death he caused with the ‘why did people buy this?’ & ‘seriously, what were you thinking?’ Xbox.

Bill Gates isn’t trying to give you autism through a corona vaccine. He’s trying to rewrite history for the devastation he’s already caused with a troll ugly piece of equipment that had ONE GAME, that should NEVER have been bought by anyone who was here before 1995. Wait… 1995… Windows ‘95? Coincidence? Discuss?

Where Have The Headphones Gone?

If you’ve been on a bus/train/to the gym/grocery store/airport bathroom (no joke, man was in a stall blasting some show about rocks) ever, you’ve been apart of this. Someone listening to music/a podcast/ impeachment hearings/straight phone conversations/death threats/terror plots/screaming/by taking the speaker at the bottom of the phone and jamming it into their ear. Or just holding the phone by their side, and letting the tiny speaker blare into the openness. NOT ONE headphone in sight. Not a strand. Not a bud. Not a wireless. Nothing. Just their tiny speaker, blaring, and the open air. WHERE are the headphones of these people? What happened? Here are some reasons that HUMAN BEINGS who have PHONES (which is a more EXPENSIVE ITEM than headphones) could not have HEADPHONES.

1. Your Headphones Got Caught On A Child

   You’re a good person. You see trash on the ground? You pick it up. You see a woman in trouble? You yell from across the street, ‘Hey miss, are you okay?’ wait for a few seconds for her to respond to you, and when she doesn’t because she’s being beaten mercilessly in the head by a psychotic person wearing only a diaper, you continue on your way. You’re walking down the street one day, headphones in, and you come across a flaming building. People hanging out of the windows. Screaming and crying. You take your phone out to record the whole thing. Not for likes, but to let investigators know EXACTLY what was going on. As you’re doing the lord’s work, recording other people’s misfortunes, a child falls from the building, and crashes directly onto you. As you stand up, brush yourself off, you reach out to the child in need.

   ‘Hey kid! Are you okay?’

   ‘AGHHGHG! Ahhhhhh!’

   Waiting for a few seconds for an AUDIBLE response and not getting one, because this flaming child has just fallen from a window, you turn your phone to the fire kid writhing in pain on the ground. And this is when you notice that your headphone cords have been sliced in half by flaming kid arm.

   ‘No! I was listening to a four and a half hour podcast about fishing that for about three and half hours sidetracks to the hosts doing things like ‘Would You Rather?’ and ‘If A Tiger Attacked You What Would You Do?’ while EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE mentioning fishing! Noooooo!’

   Now what will you do? Hold a phone in your hand while finishing the last hour of ‘Fishing For Complaints’ through the tiny little speaker while others endure it as well? Although fire children burning through your headphone cord is a decent excuse, it’s still not enough. Buy another pair.

2. Your Thousand Dollar Phone Is The Only One That Didn’t Come With Headphones

   So you’ve bought/leased a new phone. You open the new phone, excited to use the same three apps that you did on the old one but now THIS PHONE has A FEW MORE FEATURES that you will NEVER USE.

   ‘Hey there’s a feature on here that tells me how to be rich!’

   ‘You use it?’

   ‘Not yet. Instagram!’

   You open the phone, expecting to find what you always find. A little book that says, ‘Hello, I am phone. If you’ve opened me and don’t know, you must be an idiot or a very smart baby. Here is what I do’ and HEADPHONES. You throw the little booklet aside, and realize, NO HEADPHONES. Not. One. How are you the ugly duckling? Why in the HELL did you not get headphones that are GUARANTEED to us all? Why is your phone the ONLY ONE that doesn’t have them? Do you go back to to the store and find out where they are?

   ‘I don’t have time to go all the way to the store! I want to listen to something RIGHT NOW!’

   That’s fine. Surely you have another pair of headphones from the dozens of sound playing devices you’ve operated over the years?

   ‘No, I don’t. I got scared of them and burned them all!’

   Well… why would you d…

   *A door is heard slamming. The faint noise of music playing through a phone speaker is heard.*

   … Well… there’s that…

3. Someone In Your Family Hung Themselves With Headphones

   So you come home after a long day at the office. The whole way up to your front door you’re thinking, ‘Man, I wanted to hang myself all day, but thank GOD I’m not home.’ You open the door, and boom! There’s your grandmother. Hanging from a pair of Beats headphones. Slippers falling off of her cold, dead feet. Note attached to her that says ‘I had these noise cancelling headphones on and I actually HEARD A NOISE that wasn’t the SICK beat I was listening to. I can’t go on in this world if even Dr. Dre, of rapper/producer/NWA member fame, can lie to me and the public like this. So I decided to cancel all noise! I can’t hear a thing now! P.S. Turn up the base. Love, GranMommy Mom Mom’

   After you untie your grandmother’s dead swinging body from a beam (which is really hard to do with the quality of the Beats by Dre headphones cord), screaming ‘No! GranMommy Mom Mom! But you didn’t even bake one last batch of cookies before you left us! WHY?!’ you decide that you can NEVER AGAIN use headphones. How can you wear something on your head that took the life of a loved one? You can’t. Understandable. What you also can’t do, is listen to anything publicly without them. This is the trade off. Just silent phone games from now on.

4. You Don’t Know Headphones Have Been Invented

   In 1910, you were a blacksmith. You had two pairs of clothes. One dressy, one slightly less dressy but still very dressy based on today’s standards. You ate beans out of a can and avoided being in photos because they’d ‘steal your soul.’ One day while re-shoeing a horse named ‘Pre World War,’ you slip and accidentally jam the shoe into PWW’s ass. ‘Pre World War’ kicks you in the head, sending you flying into a wall. You are rushed to the hospital and fall into a coma. There’s a mix up at the hospital, and instead of people thinking you’re in a coma, they believe you’re dead. You’re supposed to be taken to the morgue, but these men, who just mixed up a person in a coma with a DEAD guy, don’t want to take you ALL THE WAY to the morgue, so they toss you in a freezer and decide they’ll take you there tomorrow. Unfortunately for you, the room the freezer is in is thought to be haunted, and is cemented over. So there you are. In a freezer. Behind cement. 109 years go by, and then a contracting company buys the land the hospital is on to build condos.

   ‘All right, the contract is signed. Push these disgusting sick people into the street.’

   ‘What?! But we need time to move thes…’

   ‘No time! I want lobby furniture and a movie theatre that no one will ever use in an overpriced building NOW! Wrecking balls will be swinging through here in less than an hour. Hurry up!’

   People in wheel chairs are pushed into the street. Full hospital beds with patients in them attached to IVs are tossed out of windows to save time.

   ‘But I was just about to have my beef bro….. Whoa!’

   A wrecking ball is thrown into the side of the building, and the freezer you have been in for 109 years flies through the air, crashing hard into an alley. Your ice body rolls out, and for four days you lay there, thawing. You finally come to. Look at all these cars! What is all this noise?! The buildings! The people! You’re in… the future! You walk into the street in a hospital gown. You see everyone with these THINGS attached to their heads. What IS that?! Demons? Aliens? You try to stop someone, but nothing. Everyone is holding SOMETHING in their hands that is ATTACHED TO THEIR HEAD. Scared, alone, unaware why these monsters have attached themselves to people’s heads, you sit on the street, and wait to die.

5. You Lost Your Headphones

   If you lost ALL OF YOUR PANTS would you just walk around without pants?

   ‘Yeah these are boxer briefs. I lost my pants, okay? What do you want me to do? Buy MORE PANTS? No. BEST I can do is paint my leg.’

   Headphones are pants for your music. Your music/podcast/phone call/temple run game needs pants. They are the private parts of your phone, and they need to be covered up by SOMETHING. NOBODY needs to see/hear your phones music/podcast/phone call just swinging in the breeze. BUY more. STEAL more. MAKE more. But Jesus, get some headphones.

Twitter/Instagram @nathanmacintosh

The Irishman

The movie made by the man who said “Marvel movies are not cinema” is finally out out and some people are pretty angry about it. I saw it before it came on Netflix because I knew that if I watched it at home I would check my phone seven hundred times with my entire dick in a tub of butter.

‘Wow! Look at this video of a UPS guy waiting at a door! I mean, it’s great! See, this psycho has a camera on their doorbell because they NEED TO KNOW who is at the door! They couldn’t possibly just go to their goddamn door and see. And better than that! They POST the videos that the doorbell takes! Isn’t that great? They don’t ask permission or anything they just DO IT because they are creative geniuses wh… wait, who the hell is Pacino in this thing? Hoffa? Who the hell is Hoffa? Whatever, I’m gonna warm up this butter.’

Now that it’s on Netflix? A LOT of people have a LOT of opinions. And if you like or do not like the movie, completely fine. But these are my favourite reactions to The Irishman that I came across multiple times.

1. Not Enough Action

   ‘The Irishman didn’t have enough action.’ Not enough action? Who told you this was going to be Sudden Death? Above The Law? This is not an ACTION movie. Never was described that way. I mean, I get it. Scorsese is known mostly for his big action sequences. Remember that scene in Goodfellas where Henry Hill takes down a helicopter shirtless with only a handgun as cars explode all around him? Or that GREAT scene in Casino where Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein fights fifteen Yakuza members in a steam room wearing only a towel? Remember when he broke that one guy’s neck and yelled ‘You’ll never take my Casino, you dirty Yaks!’ I mean THAT was action. OR in Raging Bull, when Jake Lamotta walks into a boxing ring holding a grenade, says ‘1st Round KO’ then THROWS the grenade at Sugar Ray Robinson who disintegrates into dust?! I personally will NEVER forget the scene in Taxi Driver where Travis Bickle oils himself up, travels to Vietnam and wins the war HIMSELF.

   ‘Are you looking at me, complete Vietnamese army!’

   You just CAN’T beat action scenes like that. This is a departure from that for Scorsese. This is a well-told story with great acting. If you’d like some more action from this movie, bang your head off your fridge.

2. The de-aging looks ridiculous! I mean LOOK at it!

   ‘I mean, why not get a younger person to play these guys! They look so OLD!’ Interesting that this is a problem for some people but nobody has an issue with filters on Instagram.

   ‘Wait, I know Jeff and he’s NOT Perpetua! He’s a NORMAL at BEST!’

   People have a problem with DeNiro with a younger face beating up a man with his seventy six year old body. This type of CGI bothers you but two raptors FIGHTING in Jurassic Park? Nothing. Two RAPTORS are FIGHTING. Doesn’t look ridiculous at all? Maybe nobody noticed.

   ‘I can’t BELIEVE that not only are there still two raptors alive today, but that they trained them to fight in this movie! This thing deserves an Oscar.’

   ‘Those are CGI raptors.’

   ‘No way! They are right there!

   Or how about Captain America wearing a one piece leotard while talking to NOBODY on a screen. Acting with so much CGI there is NOTHING around him at all. Not an issue? Okay so a man, who is ON SCREEN, acting while his face is younger than he actually is, is WORSE than an adult wearing a mask talking to a not-there-at-all raccoon?

   ‘But his body is OLD!’ Yes. It is. And unless you’re a twelve year old who posts five Tik Toks a day, you should be able to deal with this. If not? Maybe banging your head off of your fridge will help.

3. It’s SO Long. Like SOOOOO Long.

   Were you the only person who didn’t know how long the movie was? If so, yes, I feel for you. I would feel AWFUL as well if I was the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH who wasn’t aware that this was a long movie. It must have been devastating to think you were getting into a sitcom length Scorsese movie only to find out that it was longer than a REGULAR movie! You thought you were about to watch Frasier, and someone threw The Ten Commandments at you.

   ‘No! I was just hoping to hear a ‘Oh for god sake, Niles!’ and now Charlton Heston is telling me not to covet my neighbours wife!’

   The rest of us, not wanting to leave you behind like this again, will make a CONCERTED EFFORT to ALWAYS make sure YOU are aware the EXACT LENGTH of a movie that the REST OF US know. No cinephile left behind, as they say. It’s on US, as a SOCIETY, to make sure that EVERY psychotic monster who can’t read the play time at the bottom of the screen is well informed as to the length of a movie that the rest of us are aware of. In this case, it’s our fault. It’s on us that you were left ALONE in this cold world where great acting and a great story go FARTHER INTO TIME than you were told about.

   MAYBE, the director, Scorsese, gave us a longer movie because there is NO WAY that you will EVER see Pesci, DeNiro and Pacino together again on the same screen. Never. If YOU’D like to see them together again though, if you’d like this vision to go through your head without it BEING SO LONG, try putting your head in your fridge and slamming the door.