Superman Can Beat Batman

Batman VS Superman

Batman VS Superman is coming. Batman, known for having a belt with stuff in it is going to fight Superman, a man with all of the powers that imagination can come up with. Batman has a car. Superman can eat a car. Batman has money. Superman only has a day job to fit in with the rest of us goblins. He doesn't need it. Not even to pay his rent. 

'Hey, Clark, rent is due.'

' ...And?'

'What do you mean 'And'? Pay your rent or I'll throw your ass on the stre...'

'Get away from my door.'

'Are you crazy? This is MY door until you pay your ren...'

Clark sets his hands on fire.

'.... You got it, pal. Your door, your apartment, your all of it. JESUS I gotta do better background checks.'

The ONLY reason these two can meet up is that Superman has stupid morals. The guy is a wienie. Super wienie. He won't just grab people and kick through their chest. Even though he can, the power that is the strongest within him is the power that a religious mother instills in you. Morals. And because those are so strong, a movie like 'Batman VS Superman' can exist. 

Not sure why this is feasible, but people say that it's nuts that Rocky fought in Rocky Balboa. People were happy that Rocky didn't fight in Creed. People couldn't have bought the fact that a 69 year old man could box again. And sure, that is a bit nuts, but people are very excited to see a movie about a man who could rip ANYONE on the planet in half with his breath. ESPECIALLY people without powers that aren't connected to their bank accounts. 

There are COUNTLESS ways that Superman could beat Batman. Here are a few. 

CANCEL BRUCE WAYNE'S BANK ACCOUNTS

You want to stop Batman? Take his money. Without money he's just a guy who knows how to fight and is sad about his dead parents. Superman can walk into a bank, and say 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' When the teller says, 'I can't do that without Mr. Wayne's authorization', Superman uses his breathe to to freeze a pen, snaps it in half, and says, 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' That account is now frozen, and Bruce is siphoning gas in a Target parking lot. 

THROW HIM INTO THE SUN

Batman runs at Superman to hit him with a Judo kick, Superman grabs his leg and throws him into the sun. Batman dies well before he hits the sun, but his lifeless body hits it and bursts into flames. Or while Batman is cruising the city, Superman can fly under the Batmoblie, pick it up, and throw it into the sun. One minute, Batman is listening to Metallica's Enter Sandman, getting in the mood to bust perps, next he's turned to nothing by the sun. 

FREEZE HIM AND SMASH HIS FROZEN BODY

While Bruce Wayne is asking Alfred to get him a glass of orange juice, Superman smashes through his ceiling and lands behind him.

'Hello, Bruce. Need some Vitamin C?'

'Ah god!'

Superman breathes on Bruce, who freezes from the floor to the top of his head. Alfred walks back in with the orange juice.

'Well, Master Wayne, I guess you don't need ice.'

Superman picks Bruce up and smashes him on the floor. Alfred takes a piece of Bruce and puts it into the juice and takes a sip. 

'Always thought you were a bit chilly, Master Wayne.'

TAKE HIM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA AND LEAVE HIM THERE

Batman's just woken up from a twenty minute nap he's taken. He stretches, and hits the floor to do his daily thousand push ups, and bam! Through the floor, comes Superman. 

'Damn you, Superman! I was just beginning my workout!'

'Well, now you're just beginning your drown out.'

'.... You're not very good at the one liners, are you?'

'Not my strong suit, you're right.'

Superman fly's Batman over the Atlantic ocean and dives towards the bottom. Batman holds his breath. As Superman is speeding to the bottom, Batman's head explodes from the pressure. Superman stands a headless Batman on his feet at the sea floor.

'Who'd not good at one liners now, Batman?! Who?!.... Me. Still me.' 

Kill Him With His Penis

Batman is sitting on a gargoyle, as he does, balancing himself while looking down over his city.

'Hmmmm... it's quiet.'

Superman floats in front of him.

'Hmmmm.... Superman.'

'Yes.'

Batman throws a batarang at Superman. Superman let's it hit him right in the teeth, laughs. 

'That's it, huh?'

Superman, in an uncharacteristic move, is wearing jeans. 

'Ziiiiiiiiiiip.'

Superman's penis flops out of the denim. 

'Look at it.'

Batman looks away.

'Look at it!'

Batman looks at his hands. 

'.... Just kill me.'

Superman wraps it around Batman's neck and chokes him. 

'Agh! Ahhhh!'

Batman reaches for his 'Superman Penis Around My Neck Repellent'. It's not there.

'Looking for this?'

Superman drinks the repellent while Batman dies. 

GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL BABY BATMAN

As baby Bruce stands there, watching his parents die in the street after being shot, Superman shows up.

'Hello, Bruce. This is the day that starts your transformation into Batman. And one day you will want me dead.'

'.... What? First off? There's a LOT going on right now. My parents were murdered, you just told me I'm going to be Bat.... Man.... and wow, you showed up out of nowhere and WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!'

'I'm your end.'

Superman grabs baby Bruce and rips him in half. 

SIMPLY BEAT HIM UP

Bruce is heading to his closet a suit for a black tie affair, and in flies Superman.

'Superman!'

'Batman.'

'Fight me.'

Batman throws a punch, Superman takes it, breaking Batmans hand. Superman then punches Batman in the head, it's over. Done. Super done. 

THROW A TOYOTA CAMRY AT BATMAN

Batman is sitting at home on his Batcomputer. He's looking up the latest on super criminals in the area. 

'Huh, the Joker donated a bunch of toys to a local charity. THAT can't be good.'

Superman is in Illinois. Shopping for baseballs. He decides, today is the day. He's going to kill Batman. As he leaves a Dick's Sporting Goods, he spots a Toyota Camry. 

'I'm going to throw your car at Batman's Batcave.'

'You ain't doing NOTHING to my ca....'

Superman picks up this mans car, and throws it at the Batcave. 

'Huh, Killer Croc has gone into real estate. Must keep an eye on h....'

Right then, a Toyota Camry comes crashing through his wall and kills him. 

Superman won't do any these things but thankfully, he won't have to kill Batman! Because in the trailer, it CLEARLY shows that WonderWoman shows up, says something like 'Are you boys going to keep having this dick measuring contest up or you going to take your dicks and put them together in the team up way that you're supposed to?' Batman and Superman then put down their rulers, tuck their dicks, shake hands, un tuck their dicks, and shake dicks. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh