Nathan Macintosh

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Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Tag: DC Comics

Reasons I Liked Batman Vs Superman (Thousand Spoilers)

People are REALLY attacking this movie. People are walking out of the theatre as if they have just seen Troll 2. 

'Why did Batman have to go to Nilbog? I mean, in what REALM is it okay that Superman eats a green slime that CLEARLY is going to turn him into a goblin?! And WHY is WonderWoman turning people into trees?! For dear god sake why!' (Sidenote: Watch Troll 2 and tell me the woman who turns that kid into a tree doesn't look VAGUELY like the new Wonder Woman.'

I saw trailers for this movie a year ago and said 'Yuck. That is going to be horrendous.' I FULLY expected to see a bad movie. FULLY expected to say 'OH that was bad' but still have a good time with friends. Did that happen? NOT. EVEN. KIND. OF. I was watching this movie in shock. I kept waiting for a worse movie to start. I kept looking over at my friend with a look on my face like 'This is insane! WHAT were people talking about?'

The first trailer I saw I thought this looked bad. The second trailer, that was longer and showed Wonder Woman and Doomsday, I went 'MAN THIS THING IS GOING TO FLOP.' So I sat in the theatre, completely expecting to see a The Room and having fun with how bad it was. When THAT didn't happen, I was shocked.

To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of Superhero movies. And actually, more specifically, the Marvel ones. I liked Nolans Batman's (except Dark Knight Rises), I liked the first Avengers (which I know is Marvel). But the rest of the Marvel movies I find to be the same. So shiny. So 'written'. So many stupid jokes about nothing. So many dumb quips about explosions and fighting and trash. Avengers 2 I was like 'Hey! Is this CaddyShack!? An entire city is being carried away! Take ti god damn seriously for a minute! Especially you, Hawkeye. Your only power is you can shoot arrows well. Arrows! A rogue rock could kill you! CUT. THE. JOKES.' So with that, the list begins.

1. NO DUMB JOKES

To whoever made the decision for Batman not to make dumb bat belt jokes or for Superman to have one liners, THANK YOU! I mean, dear god, does ANYONE in Superhero movies care that things are going on? That planets are being eaten or whatever? Can SOMEONE TAKE THEIR JOB A LITTLE SERIOUSLY? I loved that the destruction of a full city had some weight to it. I mean, things are going bad in this movie. Full buildings are being destroyed. And not ONCE does Batman turn to Superman and say something 'hilarious' like 'Oh, man. That was a sandwich shop I own.' 'Not that building. That's where I have sex with all of my women.' Or Superman looking at Batman, 'That was the Daily Planet. Good thing I cleaned out my desk today.' AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH! OHHHH man. SO funny. SO needed. SOOOOO GOOOD. It's awful when that happens. Let something have weight. SOMEtimes. 

2. Superman Went To Court

Are you kidding me? This was great. What are some people's complaints from the last Superman movie. Not even really complaints just dumb jokes.

'I mean, Superman saves the day sure, but he destroyed a whole city! Do you know how much that would cost to repair?!'

THIS MOVIE ADDRESS'S THAT. Is Superman REALLY that great or does the damage he cause outweigh the good that he does. The man, GOES TO COURT. SUPERMAN. Walks into a court room to defend himself against taking buildings down accidentally while saving one family. That is great. I loved in this movie that people were angry at Superman for all the destruction he's caused. Loved it. 

3. Batman Was Pissed

Loved this. The opening scene, Bruce Wayne is speeding through the city as Superman is in the sky, fighting someone and being thrown through buildings while doing it. He is thrown through Wayne Enterprises, and pieces of the building fall onto a security guard who works there. The pieces crush is legs, and Bruce Wayne holds him while looking to the sky at Superman PISSED. He's decided here that he has to stop Superman. I loved showing Superman's fight from the ground. Showing what happens to the people in the city who are not involved with this battle at all. 

4. Superman Took Doomsday To Space

Truthfully, I'm not the biggest Superman fan. He has all the powers imaginable, but his morals keep him from throwing people into the sun. I've said a bunch of times I don't know why Superman doesn't just throw these bad guys to space. And in this movie, he did! I was like 'YES. You can do this. It's a power! Take this trash to space and throw him into nothing!' And not only that, while Superman is in space, the President decides that as they don't know if they can trust Superman long term, that they are going to take this opportunity to nuke him. THEY SHOOT A NUKE AT SUPERMAN IN SPACE. Come on. This was great. 

5. The Fight Between Batman And Superman

This easily could have been a terrible part. This easily could have been a super cheesy fight. But they did it well. I thought they did a great job not making it look dumb. Superman who could easily destroy Batman, isn't using full power against him because he just wants Batman to listen to him for a minute while he explains that they need to work together. Batman, who has stolen Kryptonite and worked out HARD for this fight ain't hearing it. So while Superman is being led by rage, Batman hits him in the back with Kyrponite gas that weakens him, and Batman starts throwing haymakers. Thought this was great.

6. Superman Drove A Horn Through His Own Chest To Kill Doomsday

To kill doomsday, Superman uses a staff that Batman made that has Kryptonite in it. As he drives it into Doomsday, Doomsday stabs him in the chest with a horn on him. Does that stop Superman? Nope. He drags himself up the horn, killing himself while pushing the staff farther into Doomsday. Man. Come on. 

Just to be fair all around, some things I didn't like. Wonder Woman showing us upcoming characters from a computer drive. Wasn't a huge fan of how Jesse Eisenberg played Lex Luthor. I was hoping they would have just left Superman dead and left the explanation of him coming back for the next movie, but I get why it's done this way. 

Superman Can Beat Batman

Batman VS Superman

Batman VS Superman is coming. Batman, known for having a belt with stuff in it is going to fight Superman, a man with all of the powers that imagination can come up with. Batman has a car. Superman can eat a car. Batman has money. Superman only has a day job to fit in with the rest of us goblins. He doesn't need it. Not even to pay his rent. 

'Hey, Clark, rent is due.'

' ...And?'

'What do you mean 'And'? Pay your rent or I'll throw your ass on the stre...'

'Get away from my door.'

'Are you crazy? This is MY door until you pay your ren...'

Clark sets his hands on fire.

'.... You got it, pal. Your door, your apartment, your all of it. JESUS I gotta do better background checks.'

The ONLY reason these two can meet up is that Superman has stupid morals. The guy is a wienie. Super wienie. He won't just grab people and kick through their chest. Even though he can, the power that is the strongest within him is the power that a religious mother instills in you. Morals. And because those are so strong, a movie like 'Batman VS Superman' can exist. 

Not sure why this is feasible, but people say that it's nuts that Rocky fought in Rocky Balboa. People were happy that Rocky didn't fight in Creed. People couldn't have bought the fact that a 69 year old man could box again. And sure, that is a bit nuts, but people are very excited to see a movie about a man who could rip ANYONE on the planet in half with his breath. ESPECIALLY people without powers that aren't connected to their bank accounts. 

There are COUNTLESS ways that Superman could beat Batman. Here are a few. 

CANCEL BRUCE WAYNE'S BANK ACCOUNTS

You want to stop Batman? Take his money. Without money he's just a guy who knows how to fight and is sad about his dead parents. Superman can walk into a bank, and say 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' When the teller says, 'I can't do that without Mr. Wayne's authorization', Superman uses his breathe to to freeze a pen, snaps it in half, and says, 'Freeze Bruce Wayne's account.' That account is now frozen, and Bruce is siphoning gas in a Target parking lot. 

THROW HIM INTO THE SUN

Batman runs at Superman to hit him with a Judo kick, Superman grabs his leg and throws him into the sun. Batman dies well before he hits the sun, but his lifeless body hits it and bursts into flames. Or while Batman is cruising the city, Superman can fly under the Batmoblie, pick it up, and throw it into the sun. One minute, Batman is listening to Metallica's Enter Sandman, getting in the mood to bust perps, next he's turned to nothing by the sun. 

FREEZE HIM AND SMASH HIS FROZEN BODY

While Bruce Wayne is asking Alfred to get him a glass of orange juice, Superman smashes through his ceiling and lands behind him.

'Hello, Bruce. Need some Vitamin C?'

'Ah god!'

Superman breathes on Bruce, who freezes from the floor to the top of his head. Alfred walks back in with the orange juice.

'Well, Master Wayne, I guess you don't need ice.'

Superman picks Bruce up and smashes him on the floor. Alfred takes a piece of Bruce and puts it into the juice and takes a sip. 

'Always thought you were a bit chilly, Master Wayne.'

TAKE HIM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA AND LEAVE HIM THERE

Batman's just woken up from a twenty minute nap he's taken. He stretches, and hits the floor to do his daily thousand push ups, and bam! Through the floor, comes Superman. 

'Damn you, Superman! I was just beginning my workout!'

'Well, now you're just beginning your drown out.'

'.... You're not very good at the one liners, are you?'

'Not my strong suit, you're right.'

Superman fly's Batman over the Atlantic ocean and dives towards the bottom. Batman holds his breath. As Superman is speeding to the bottom, Batman's head explodes from the pressure. Superman stands a headless Batman on his feet at the sea floor.

'Who'd not good at one liners now, Batman?! Who?!.... Me. Still me.' 

Kill Him With His Penis

Batman is sitting on a gargoyle, as he does, balancing himself while looking down over his city.

'Hmmmm... it's quiet.'

Superman floats in front of him.

'Hmmmm.... Superman.'

'Yes.'

Batman throws a batarang at Superman. Superman let's it hit him right in the teeth, laughs. 

'That's it, huh?'

Superman, in an uncharacteristic move, is wearing jeans. 

'Ziiiiiiiiiiip.'

Superman's penis flops out of the denim. 

'Look at it.'

Batman looks away.

'Look at it!'

Batman looks at his hands. 

'.... Just kill me.'

Superman wraps it around Batman's neck and chokes him. 

'Agh! Ahhhh!'

Batman reaches for his 'Superman Penis Around My Neck Repellent'. It's not there.

'Looking for this?'

Superman drinks the repellent while Batman dies. 

GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL BABY BATMAN

As baby Bruce stands there, watching his parents die in the street after being shot, Superman shows up.

'Hello, Bruce. This is the day that starts your transformation into Batman. And one day you will want me dead.'

'.... What? First off? There's a LOT going on right now. My parents were murdered, you just told me I'm going to be Bat.... Man.... and wow, you showed up out of nowhere and WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!'

'I'm your end.'

Superman grabs baby Bruce and rips him in half. 

SIMPLY BEAT HIM UP

Bruce is heading to his closet a suit for a black tie affair, and in flies Superman.

'Superman!'

'Batman.'

'Fight me.'

Batman throws a punch, Superman takes it, breaking Batmans hand. Superman then punches Batman in the head, it's over. Done. Super done. 

THROW A TOYOTA CAMRY AT BATMAN

Batman is sitting at home on his Batcomputer. He's looking up the latest on super criminals in the area. 

'Huh, the Joker donated a bunch of toys to a local charity. THAT can't be good.'

Superman is in Illinois. Shopping for baseballs. He decides, today is the day. He's going to kill Batman. As he leaves a Dick's Sporting Goods, he spots a Toyota Camry. 

'I'm going to throw your car at Batman's Batcave.'

'You ain't doing NOTHING to my ca....'

Superman picks up this mans car, and throws it at the Batcave. 

'Huh, Killer Croc has gone into real estate. Must keep an eye on h....'

Right then, a Toyota Camry comes crashing through his wall and kills him. 

Superman won't do any these things but thankfully, he won't have to kill Batman! Because in the trailer, it CLEARLY shows that WonderWoman shows up, says something like 'Are you boys going to keep having this dick measuring contest up or you going to take your dicks and put them together in the team up way that you're supposed to?' Batman and Superman then put down their rulers, tuck their dicks, shake hands, un tuck their dicks, and shake dicks. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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