9 TIMES I WOULD HAVE DIED IN THE REVENANT
The Revenant is a great movie, and also made me think of how many times I would have died in the 1800's. I wouldn't have made it anywhere. People say they wouldn't be able to sleep inside of a dead horse. I'd be done a LONG time before I'm thrown off the cliff on a horse.
WALKING IN A RIVER WEARING FUR
You ever try walking through a river? Not the easiest. Have you ever tried walking through a river while you're wrapped up in comforters? It's PRETTY tough. So if you're draped in a dead bear and have to cross a river? Not happening. First time someone said we had to cross this river, I'd say where's the bridge? They'd say stop being a baby, walk the river, and I'd say, NOPE! Good night, friends. I'm laying here until I'm dead like the bear I'm wearing.
WEARING WET MOCCASINS
If today, in 2016, I'm going somewhere and I step in a puddle, I'm going home. That's the end of going to wherever I was going to. No more friends house, bank trip, grocery store, wherever. It's toast. People in The Revenant are constantly in and out of cold rivers wearing cloth shoes. No socks, just the hide of a mir cat or whatever. You step out of a river, and don't dry off, just keep walking a trail? Nope. Not me. First step in a river wearing the skin of a cat, I'm laying down and waiting for trench foot or whatever to kill me.
HAVING DRY MOCCASINS
I mean, moccasins? You kidding me? A flappy little shoe while walking in the wilderness? No arch support? No air bubbles for cushioning? Just deer hide tied around your foot? No way. No different colours to stand out amongst the other people walking through the woods with you? No different brands? Can't do it. Your foot is going to feel AWFUL stepping on sticks and rocks. If I have to wear the same dirt animal skin on my foot as everyone else, I'm out. I'm laying down and waiting for Adidas to exist.
I can't. Once houses with electricity and running water became real, the woods became a place we should only ever be lost in. The woods are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half. I can barely sleep in a hotel room, but the woods? On the ground, beside some trees that animals pee on? And that's NOW, but if I had to sleep with no sleeping bags and inside a couple of sticks put together with fur draped over it? Can't do it. I'll lay on the ground and wait for apartment buildings.
THE WOODS ARE EVERYWHERE
So, the woods, which are an awful, and scary, and twisted place where murderers lurk and camp counsellors get ripped in half are the ONLY thing around? What are we walking for? Why are we continuing on this journey only to get to more trees? I'm done. I like cities. I like people. I like houses. I like looking down a road and seeing SOMETHING. I like looking down a road! Not just a trail of death to nothing. Just walking through the woods, only to get to more woods? Yuck. What would be the point?
'Hey, where are we?'
'And where are we going?'
'It's all woods, broheem.'
Goodnight, world. I would lay down and wait for the future and cities to be built around me.
EATING A BISON HEART
Not today, daddy. I've walked out of a sandwich place that didn't have avocado. I can't eat a raw bison heart. If someone throws you a raw bison heart, you can't ask them for hot sauce, a plate, avocado, bread. Nothing. If they had ANY of that, they wouldn't have thrown you a raw bison heart. They'd toss a side as well. But there's none of that. It's The Revenant. No Franks Red Hot, no paper plates. So a raw bison heart? No, sir. I'm using the bison heart as a pillow, and going to sleep on it until restaurants happen.
LIGHTING A FIRE
I was in boy scouts, and it would be nice to say that if I'm alone in the woods and it gets dark, I can light a fire and stay warm. Be nice to say, but not true at all. In boy scouts I learned that you might have to sell apples outside of a liquor to raise money. I learned I can't tie any knots. I learned that if your parents are the scout leaders, then your cub car is a winner no matter what. Didn't learn how to light a fire out of nothing. First night in the woods where a fire is needed? That's it. I'm laying down, and waiting for cold death to take me out.
FIRST CAMP ATTACK
So I just killed a deer, and I hear that people are clearly attacking the camp that I am supposed to drag this deer back to. Do I leave the deer and head back to fight? NOPE. I stay with the deer until the heat dies down, then I go back to the camp and check all my dead friends for hot sauce. I sit down, I cook the deer, douse it in hot sauce and that's it. I run out of deer? I wait for jesus to come and take me.
No one is The Revenant has gloves. At least not good gloves. They have a cows uterus or an eagles skinned back wrapped around their hands, but that's not enough. That's not insulated. There's no heat tech there. They didn't have gloves or pockets. If you'r wearing the fur of a dead animal without gloves? You also have no pockets to tuck your hands into. If I'm walking around in the freezing cold with no gloves or no pockets? I'm going home. If I'm doing that AND having to fight off bears and old man winter? I'm done. I'm laying down and waiting for frost bite to take me away.