Undecided Voters... What's Going ON?

Presidential Election coming up in the ‘sea to shining sea’ America and there are still some people who don’t know who they are going to vote for. STILL. Can’t figure it out. Are waiting until the LAST minute to see what each candidate is REALLY about. Same type of people who walk into a theatre twenty minutes into a movie looking for their friends while yell whispering. Type of people who take down their Christmas decorations in April. Type of people who still don’t know what they’re ordering at McDonalds.

‘… Uhhhhh… I’ll have the….mmmm…. nuggets? No no… fish fi…. that’s disgusting…. maybe a… how’s the Big Mac today?’

‘… Same as it has been everyday since the 80’s. Squished…’

Type of people who any movie and then go on YouTube for an explanation of the ending.

‘I just didn’t get it…’

‘Mother f**ker Air Bud dunked the ball in the hoop! He’s a dog!’

‘Okay but WHY?!’

You might go ‘Well I don’t really know her…’ Okay, you don’t know her, but you DO him. You know him. There’s been no vagueness about this man. We’re talking almost ten years of this man being this man. The same guy. The whole time. By now you either hate him, like him, or have a bunch of hats and decals on your truck with a yard full of flags. There’s no GREY. There’s no ‘Well let me just see one more town hall…’ The halls have been towned. For almost ten years. You get it. You got it.

They’ve debated. They’ve put out campaign ads about themselves and against each other. They’ve been on radio shows, talk shows, social networks that include their own, podcasts, one of them already RAN THE COUNTRY. What else do you need to see? Do they have to go on YOUR podcasts? The ones you listen to? ‘Two Girls Three Mics’? Where they talk about sexual positions they’d like to do in certain Chevrolets?

‘In a Malibu I’d love to do the Toledo Toe Touch!’

Maybe an appearance on ‘The Ding Dong Boys’ where they pound cans of Liquid Death and react to Tik Tok videos? Your favourite true crime podcast? ‘Jakes Graveyard’ where they each do an hour breakdown of the Dahmer atrocities?

‘I could NEVER eat a bicep. A bicep?! Who could eat a BICEP! Who was this guy?!… I’m running for President.’

What do you need to see them do? Maybe more TV. Maybe she should have a show called ‘The Employee’, where she gets people to do random activities around the city and at the end of the episode goes ‘You’re HIRED!’ Maybe an episode of Chopped! They compete against each other making classic American dishes. Buffalo wings as an appetizer. ‘Big Boy Bison Burgers’ with four types of American cheese and bacon cured THAT DAY with freedom fries for the main, and Grandmas apple pie with a TALL tall TALL, can’t even fit in your Ford Expedition tall, need a forklift to bring it to your lips tall glass of Mountain Dew Cyber Security Cherry? What will get you there? Maybe they go on The Masked Singer? Dress up like a gopher or mallard?

‘I believe, okay, that I could flyyyy, fly real high, higher than anyone’s ever seen… I’d fly so high, look at them back there, i’d fly so high the fake news wouldn’t even believe it, they wouldn’t report. I’d be flying up with the jets, the big jets, the 747’s, full of people, people on jets, touching the skyyyyyyyy…’

‘Hmmmm, who could that be in the falcon outfit? Romney?’

Maybe each put out a country album. ‘Building A Wall For Y’all’ with hits like ‘Nasty Questions’, ‘Ramps Are Tough’ and ‘Picking Up My Water With Both Hands’. Or hers ‘Excuse Me, Dear, I’m Talking Here’ with smash number ones ‘Working The Drive-Thru’, ‘No Kids? No Problem’ and ‘Hysterically Laughing Through It All’. Maybe this could finally get the undecided over the hump.

Do they have to do sporting events? Homerun Derby? Whoever hits the most dingers over the green monster decides the fate of the free world? Maybe the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest? First to devour 47 glizzies is the 47th President.

‘I didn’t know who I wanted deciding the fate of education in this country, but when that candidate fought through that ONE hot dog that they CLEARLY wanted to throw up? Right there, the tenacity, the sheer determination, they got my vote..’

Maybe follow them into a Dairy Queen and see if they are ‘Hot Eats’ or ‘Cool Treats’ people.

‘The Flamerthrower Burger with Jalapeño Cheddar? Over the Chicken Stip Basket with Texas Toast? And NO Blizzard?! What are you going to do when an ACTUAL blizzard hits a major city if you can’t even EAT one?! SUCK ME, pal.’

Undecided. Here. Between these two people? After everything? What else are you undecided about? One step at a time? Adding milk to cereal? Getting off the highway at your exit?

‘Look I know I LIVE there but that ramps gonna have to step it up before i use it again. It just hasn’t been showing me anything…’

Maybe just flip a coin. Tails for T. Heads for H. Done. Right there. 100% chance of pissing off 50% of the country but hey, a decision has been made.

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Why I, Hilary Clinton, Dressed Like A Scarecrow

"Running for President is a tough thing. There are many factors to take into consideration. How will I keep the country safe?  How will I stop terrorism? How am I going to have a good crop this year? How will I keep my corn alive and free from devastating crows? Well, some of those I don't have the answer too, but one is easy. I KNOW how to keep crows away from my crops. Crows HATE burlap sacks. If a sack had potatoes in it, crows run the other way. So if I want to protect crops, I need to scare away crows. That is why I wore, a burlap sack. 

There are a LOT of places that crows can attack. It's not just the fields. Hell, you could be driving in your car on the highway and a crow could fly through your window. One minute you're listening to Steely Dan, the next your fighting a Steely eyed crow! Well, not me. A crow won't fly through MY drivers side window and change my radio station. I will wear crows kryptonite. I will wear, a burlap sack.

Guns are a huge issue in this country. Should we all have guns? Would the country be safer if every single human being had a smoke wagon on their hip? Guns don't kill crops. Crows kill crops. All the guns in the world will not stop crows. Their tiny little bird brains do not know what a gun in. They see a gun, and still head toward that cabbage. What does stop crows? A potato bag. That is to say, a bag that at one point in time held potatoes. That is why, I wore a burlap, sack. 

As you, the people of the world, watch the Presidential Candidate Debates, one thing you are NOT aware of, are the buildings that we debate in. We have metal detectors for spectators. We have police patting people down people on their way in to make sure there are no weapons being allowed in. There are NO crow detectors. There are NO farmers looking at people's shoes for tiny little legs that could only be the stick legs of crows that are jammed into a Puma sneaker. There are NO ears of corn swiped under the noses of people walking in to see if they are humans or a dirty, dirty crow. NOTHING. Now, I COULD stand on the stage defenceless, much like the very brave democratic candidates to my right and left, but I want to protect America, and how can I protect an entire country if I do not protect myself? From ALL onslaughts? From even the dirtiest of birds, the crow?  So I, wore, a burlap sack.

We've all seen video of ISIS. We've all seen human beings wearing all black from head to toe. Now, I ask you, have you ever SEEN one of these humans actually getting INTO one of these full black outfits? Hmm? No, you haven't. How do we know these are human beings at all? How are we so sure that these are not awful, terrible crows that want our crops? It is my FIRM belief, that ISIS is made up of a murder of crows. We all know how to scare crows. It's by showing them a sack that at one time held potatoes. That is why I, wore a, burlap, sack.

The President of the United States must keep the country safe. Must keep the country safe at ALL times, and in all situations, and from al birds. Cities, towns, villages, bushes, woods, marshlands, malls, and fields. Of course fields. Crows will not just attack crops in a field. They'll attack crops in a mall, in your hand, in your babies mouth if you let them. How do you stop a crow and protect the nation? You COULD swipe at it with a broom. You could throw salt in it's eyes as it flaps and squawks towards you. Or you COULD, take down crows mentally. At their root. Right where they live. Bags that hold potatoes terrify them. That is why I, wore a burlap sack.

I am Hilary Clinton, and I am running for Scarecrow Of Life."