Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Tag: America

Moving To Canada!

There are a lot of Americans saying they will move to Canada if Doctor Trump becomes Doctor of the Free World. A lot of Americans are going to get up, FINALLY get their passport, drive to Canada and lay claim. This is great news. Canada has been waiting for this day!

'You want to come over here SOLELY because you don't like who's running things? Well hell yeah! Come on in and grab a seat!'

Before Americans do move to Canada (which I believe will NEVER happen. Not even one American) there are a few things they should know about Canada if they REALLY do want to move there. 

1. You Can't Just DO That

Canada, much like America, is a country. Canada, much like America, is a country that has rules and regulations and such. You cannot simply get to the border and go 'I'm American, which means I'll stay here as long as I want.' Nope. Not how it works. You have to fill out forms. You have to pay money. You have to have a reason that you are immigrating to another country. And how long are you going to live there? For four years until the owner of Chipotle or whatever runs for President and beats the owner of Golf Courses? Canada isn't a couch.

'Is it cool if I crash here until my landlord leaves the building?'

'Yeah, sure. Couple weeks?'

'Was thinking four years.'

'.... Step into my office, sir.' 

2. We Use Kilometres And It's Better

When I was young and I heard the song 'I can't drive 55', I thought '55 isn't even fast!' I like the song, but what the hell? Was Sammy Hagar going through a school zone? Was he on a road with speed bumps? Pick it up, Sammy! Found out later it was 55 miles an hour, which IS fast, but doesn't SOUND fast. In Canada kilometres are used, not miles. On a highway, you can drive 110 km an hour. Now, what sounds like you're going faster? 110 or 55? 110! That is the answer! Every time! Get used to REALLY GOING FAST. And not buying gallons of gas, buying litres. This will be one of the many greats reasons to be in Canada. No you can't buy a handgun to stash in your glove box incase their are people listening to loud music at the gas station, but you can DRIVE 110 ON A HIGHWAY. I mean, COME ON. 

3. Fahrenheit is toast. Get ready for Celsius. 

ZERO MEANS FREEZING! ZERO! IN WHAT REALM DOES IT MAKES SENSE TO HAVE 32 BE FREEZING?! STOP THE MADNESS! And we have. Canada stopped the madness years ago. And if Americans DO move to Canada (which is not going to happen), they can stop the madness as well. 

4. It's 'Moose' no matter how many there are

Moose's, Moosey's, Moose-i-. NONE of those make sense. If you see one more, or a hundred moose, it's moose. That's it. And you WILL see moose. Everywhere. In your backyard, in the trees in the park, in the library, on the highway, in cars beside you on the highway. Moose are EVERYWHERE.

5. Canadian News Isn't Scary

If you are leaving America for Canada, be prepared for the news to get a little different. America's news is constantly 'Look out for this! Look out for that! Your food is bad! Terrorists are everywhere! Don't travel! Don't stay in your city! Don't drink your water! Don't drink other people's water! Don't look people in the eye! Don't avoid eye contact with crazy people because they take it as a sign of aggression!' Canadian news is a little bit different. You might see a top story about hockey nets on city streets, or another replay of Bautista's bat flip. There could also be some stories about some real crime, but it but it won't be run on a loop with four people continuously talking about this crime means the end of the country and world as we know it. 

6. Canada Also Speaks English

I know a lot of Americans think it's just a french party in  Canada. They think when they get there they are going to have to bring 'that english language with 'em' but we have it. English has been in Canada since it began. We also have some french speaking places, and fun fact, if you speak to ANYONE in French in Canada, they have to hand you ten dollars. So learn some of that language you hate and start a new career!

7. Not Every Single Thing In Canada Is About Race

And NO, THAT IS NOT BECAUSE CANADA DOES NOT HAVE BLACK PEOPLE.

'Ahahha, very funny. There are black people in Canada. Yeah right.'

THERE ARE BLACK PEOPLE IN CANADA.

'... Really? Okay. So how does every conversation not turn into a conversation about race then?'

IT JUST DOESN'T. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT RACE. 

'Okay.... So if someone at a restaurant asks my white friend if he wants the bbq chicken special, and he says no, I can't say something like 'You don't like chicken huh? Racist.' Or if he's black and he turns down the chicken special, I can't do 'WOA, a black man turning down chicken?! That's gotta be a first!'

... PLEASE STOP. THESE JOKES ARE STUPID. YOUR FRIEND JUST DOESN'T WANT THE BBQ CHICKEN SPECIAL. PLEASE STOP THIS. 

'.... I don't think I want to move to Canada.'

I DON'T THINK YOU DO EITHER.

Why I, Hilary Clinton, Dressed Like A Scarecrow

"Running for President is a tough thing. There are many factors to take into consideration. How will I keep the country safe?  How will I stop terrorism? How am I going to have a good crop this year? How will I keep my corn alive and free from devastating crows? Well, some of those I don't have the answer too, but one is easy. I KNOW how to keep crows away from my crops. Crows HATE burlap sacks. If a sack had potatoes in it, crows run the other way. So if I want to protect crops, I need to scare away crows. That is why I wore, a burlap sack. 

There are a LOT of places that crows can attack. It's not just the fields. Hell, you could be driving in your car on the highway and a crow could fly through your window. One minute you're listening to Steely Dan, the next your fighting a Steely eyed crow! Well, not me. A crow won't fly through MY drivers side window and change my radio station. I will wear crows kryptonite. I will wear, a burlap sack.

Guns are a huge issue in this country. Should we all have guns? Would the country be safer if every single human being had a smoke wagon on their hip? Guns don't kill crops. Crows kill crops. All the guns in the world will not stop crows. Their tiny little bird brains do not know what a gun in. They see a gun, and still head toward that cabbage. What does stop crows? A potato bag. That is to say, a bag that at one point in time held potatoes. That is why, I wore a burlap, sack. 

As you, the people of the world, watch the Presidential Candidate Debates, one thing you are NOT aware of, are the buildings that we debate in. We have metal detectors for spectators. We have police patting people down people on their way in to make sure there are no weapons being allowed in. There are NO crow detectors. There are NO farmers looking at people's shoes for tiny little legs that could only be the stick legs of crows that are jammed into a Puma sneaker. There are NO ears of corn swiped under the noses of people walking in to see if they are humans or a dirty, dirty crow. NOTHING. Now, I COULD stand on the stage defenceless, much like the very brave democratic candidates to my right and left, but I want to protect America, and how can I protect an entire country if I do not protect myself? From ALL onslaughts? From even the dirtiest of birds, the crow?  So I, wore, a burlap sack.

We've all seen video of ISIS. We've all seen human beings wearing all black from head to toe. Now, I ask you, have you ever SEEN one of these humans actually getting INTO one of these full black outfits? Hmm? No, you haven't. How do we know these are human beings at all? How are we so sure that these are not awful, terrible crows that want our crops? It is my FIRM belief, that ISIS is made up of a murder of crows. We all know how to scare crows. It's by showing them a sack that at one time held potatoes. That is why I, wore a, burlap, sack.

The President of the United States must keep the country safe. Must keep the country safe at ALL times, and in all situations, and from al birds. Cities, towns, villages, bushes, woods, marshlands, malls, and fields. Of course fields. Crows will not just attack crops in a field. They'll attack crops in a mall, in your hand, in your babies mouth if you let them. How do you stop a crow and protect the nation? You COULD swipe at it with a broom. You could throw salt in it's eyes as it flaps and squawks towards you. Or you COULD, take down crows mentally. At their root. Right where they live. Bags that hold potatoes terrify them. That is why I, wore a burlap sack.

I am Hilary Clinton, and I am running for Scarecrow Of Life."

Having a baby in America.

Having a baby costs money. Understood. In America, it comes with another expense. I'm not talking about clothes, food, or a brand new iPad with Dre Beats, I'm talking about HAVING the baby. Having a baby delivered, having a baby come out of your body, costs you thousands of dollars. Just to have nature take place, just for life to take it's course, you pay. You have to save up money to literally have someone catch the kid that flies out of you. 

"Push! Push! I can see the head!"

"Ahhhhh!"

"Almost here! Push! And know that this will cost you money! A lot of money!"

"Ahhhh! What? No! I don't get paid until Friday! Push the baby back in! Push it back! I'll pick up extra shifts!"

"We can't push the baby back in! That is not a thin....It's a boy! And that's thousands of dollars."

Paying to have your baby happens. Strange, but even more strange, the price is different across the country. There is not one standard baby price. It's not a pair of Adidas. Each state just sort of decides what they will charge to deliver a baby. 

"Alright, so our last order of business. How much will we charge people to have babies? I heard in NY it's four thousand."

"Those Yankees are charging what? If they're charging four, we'll charge eight! The south will rise the prices again!"

Apparently the most expensive state to have a kid is Indiana. There has to be people moving out for that reason. 

“Uhaul, huh? You moving?”

“Yeah. I'm pregnant. Cheaper to uproot than have this kid here. I'm going to Michigan. Heard it's nice this time of term.”

Kids are going to be expensive no matter what. When you have kids, college funds have to be started pretty early on, but before you even HAVE the kid, you have to start a 'kid soon to be here' fund'. If one has to be used for the other, that's a weird conversation to have one day.

“Mom! Why is their no money for me to go to school?'

“Well, there was, but I had to spend that money on having you.”

“What the hell did you have me for if I can't even go to school and better myself?”

“Do you want college money and not exist?! I made a game time decision! Now go keep being alive. I paid for it!”

And yes, I know that you could have coverage that will cover some of these costs, and that if you don't, they are not going to keep your kid or not let you leave before you pay your bill, but you will get a bill. If you can't pay that right away, that just goes into the pile with the rest. 

“Man, how am I going to pay these bills? Cable, car payment, oh yeah! Having a son! MAN that one is high. Hmmmm, I'll pay cable. What, is the hospital going to come back and take my kid? Good. Maybe THEY can get him to eat these damn peas. I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares."

That thing that some parents used say, 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out.' That's not completely accurate.

'I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out! Well, technically, that lone from Citibank helped bring you into this world, but if you keep messing around I'll tell them to raise the interest rates on your credit card and we'll get you out of here!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh.com

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