Undecided Voters... What's Going ON?
Presidential Election coming up in the ‘sea to shining sea’ America and there are still some people who don’t know who they are going to vote for. STILL. Can’t figure it out. Are waiting until the LAST minute to see what each candidate is REALLY about. Same type of people who walk into a theatre twenty minutes into a movie looking for their friends while yell whispering. Type of people who take down their Christmas decorations in April. Type of people who still don’t know what they’re ordering at McDonalds.
‘… Uhhhhh… I’ll have the….mmmm…. nuggets? No no… fish fi…. that’s disgusting…. maybe a… how’s the Big Mac today?’
‘… Same as it has been everyday since the 80’s. Squished…’
Type of people who any movie and then go on YouTube for an explanation of the ending.
‘I just didn’t get it…’
‘Mother f**ker Air Bud dunked the ball in the hoop! He’s a dog!’
‘Okay but WHY?!’
You might go ‘Well I don’t really know her…’ Okay, you don’t know her, but you DO him. You know him. There’s been no vagueness about this man. We’re talking almost ten years of this man being this man. The same guy. The whole time. By now you either hate him, like him, or have a bunch of hats and decals on your truck with a yard full of flags. There’s no GREY. There’s no ‘Well let me just see one more town hall…’ The halls have been towned. For almost ten years. You get it. You got it.
They’ve debated. They’ve put out campaign ads about themselves and against each other. They’ve been on radio shows, talk shows, social networks that include their own, podcasts, one of them already RAN THE COUNTRY. What else do you need to see? Do they have to go on YOUR podcasts? The ones you listen to? ‘Two Girls Three Mics’? Where they talk about sexual positions they’d like to do in certain Chevrolets?
‘In a Malibu I’d love to do the Toledo Toe Touch!’
Maybe an appearance on ‘The Ding Dong Boys’ where they pound cans of Liquid Death and react to Tik Tok videos? Your favourite true crime podcast? ‘Jakes Graveyard’ where they each do an hour breakdown of the Dahmer atrocities?
‘I could NEVER eat a bicep. A bicep?! Who could eat a BICEP! Who was this guy?!… I’m running for President.’
What do you need to see them do? Maybe more TV. Maybe she should have a show called ‘The Employee’, where she gets people to do random activities around the city and at the end of the episode goes ‘You’re HIRED!’ Maybe an episode of Chopped! They compete against each other making classic American dishes. Buffalo wings as an appetizer. ‘Big Boy Bison Burgers’ with four types of American cheese and bacon cured THAT DAY with freedom fries for the main, and Grandmas apple pie with a TALL tall TALL, can’t even fit in your Ford Expedition tall, need a forklift to bring it to your lips tall glass of Mountain Dew Cyber Security Cherry? What will get you there? Maybe they go on The Masked Singer? Dress up like a gopher or mallard?
‘I believe, okay, that I could flyyyy, fly real high, higher than anyone’s ever seen… I’d fly so high, look at them back there, i’d fly so high the fake news wouldn’t even believe it, they wouldn’t report. I’d be flying up with the jets, the big jets, the 747’s, full of people, people on jets, touching the skyyyyyyyy…’
‘Hmmmm, who could that be in the falcon outfit? Romney?’
Maybe each put out a country album. ‘Building A Wall For Y’all’ with hits like ‘Nasty Questions’, ‘Ramps Are Tough’ and ‘Picking Up My Water With Both Hands’. Or hers ‘Excuse Me, Dear, I’m Talking Here’ with smash number ones ‘Working The Drive-Thru’, ‘No Kids? No Problem’ and ‘Hysterically Laughing Through It All’. Maybe this could finally get the undecided over the hump.
Do they have to do sporting events? Homerun Derby? Whoever hits the most dingers over the green monster decides the fate of the free world? Maybe the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest? First to devour 47 glizzies is the 47th President.
‘I didn’t know who I wanted deciding the fate of education in this country, but when that candidate fought through that ONE hot dog that they CLEARLY wanted to throw up? Right there, the tenacity, the sheer determination, they got my vote..’
Maybe follow them into a Dairy Queen and see if they are ‘Hot Eats’ or ‘Cool Treats’ people.
‘The Flamerthrower Burger with Jalapeño Cheddar? Over the Chicken Stip Basket with Texas Toast? And NO Blizzard?! What are you going to do when an ACTUAL blizzard hits a major city if you can’t even EAT one?! SUCK ME, pal.’
Undecided. Here. Between these two people? After everything? What else are you undecided about? One step at a time? Adding milk to cereal? Getting off the highway at your exit?
‘Look I know I LIVE there but that ramps gonna have to step it up before i use it again. It just hasn’t been showing me anything…’
Maybe just flip a coin. Tails for T. Heads for H. Done. Right there. 100% chance of pissing off 50% of the country but hey, a decision has been made.
Upcoming shows, clips, life and other things below