Undecided Voters... What's Going ON?

Presidential Election coming up in the ‘sea to shining sea’ America and there are still some people who don’t know who they are going to vote for. STILL. Can’t figure it out. Are waiting until the LAST minute to see what each candidate is REALLY about. Same type of people who walk into a theatre twenty minutes into a movie looking for their friends while yell whispering. Type of people who take down their Christmas decorations in April. Type of people who still don’t know what they’re ordering at McDonalds.

‘… Uhhhhh… I’ll have the….mmmm…. nuggets? No no… fish fi…. that’s disgusting…. maybe a… how’s the Big Mac today?’

‘… Same as it has been everyday since the 80’s. Squished…’

Type of people who any movie and then go on YouTube for an explanation of the ending.

‘I just didn’t get it…’

‘Mother f**ker Air Bud dunked the ball in the hoop! He’s a dog!’

‘Okay but WHY?!’

You might go ‘Well I don’t really know her…’ Okay, you don’t know her, but you DO him. You know him. There’s been no vagueness about this man. We’re talking almost ten years of this man being this man. The same guy. The whole time. By now you either hate him, like him, or have a bunch of hats and decals on your truck with a yard full of flags. There’s no GREY. There’s no ‘Well let me just see one more town hall…’ The halls have been towned. For almost ten years. You get it. You got it.

They’ve debated. They’ve put out campaign ads about themselves and against each other. They’ve been on radio shows, talk shows, social networks that include their own, podcasts, one of them already RAN THE COUNTRY. What else do you need to see? Do they have to go on YOUR podcasts? The ones you listen to? ‘Two Girls Three Mics’? Where they talk about sexual positions they’d like to do in certain Chevrolets?

‘In a Malibu I’d love to do the Toledo Toe Touch!’

Maybe an appearance on ‘The Ding Dong Boys’ where they pound cans of Liquid Death and react to Tik Tok videos? Your favourite true crime podcast? ‘Jakes Graveyard’ where they each do an hour breakdown of the Dahmer atrocities?

‘I could NEVER eat a bicep. A bicep?! Who could eat a BICEP! Who was this guy?!… I’m running for President.’

What do you need to see them do? Maybe more TV. Maybe she should have a show called ‘The Employee’, where she gets people to do random activities around the city and at the end of the episode goes ‘You’re HIRED!’ Maybe an episode of Chopped! They compete against each other making classic American dishes. Buffalo wings as an appetizer. ‘Big Boy Bison Burgers’ with four types of American cheese and bacon cured THAT DAY with freedom fries for the main, and Grandmas apple pie with a TALL tall TALL, can’t even fit in your Ford Expedition tall, need a forklift to bring it to your lips tall glass of Mountain Dew Cyber Security Cherry? What will get you there? Maybe they go on The Masked Singer? Dress up like a gopher or mallard?

‘I believe, okay, that I could flyyyy, fly real high, higher than anyone’s ever seen… I’d fly so high, look at them back there, i’d fly so high the fake news wouldn’t even believe it, they wouldn’t report. I’d be flying up with the jets, the big jets, the 747’s, full of people, people on jets, touching the skyyyyyyyy…’

‘Hmmmm, who could that be in the falcon outfit? Romney?’

Maybe each put out a country album. ‘Building A Wall For Y’all’ with hits like ‘Nasty Questions’, ‘Ramps Are Tough’ and ‘Picking Up My Water With Both Hands’. Or hers ‘Excuse Me, Dear, I’m Talking Here’ with smash number ones ‘Working The Drive-Thru’, ‘No Kids? No Problem’ and ‘Hysterically Laughing Through It All’. Maybe this could finally get the undecided over the hump.

Do they have to do sporting events? Homerun Derby? Whoever hits the most dingers over the green monster decides the fate of the free world? Maybe the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest? First to devour 47 glizzies is the 47th President.

‘I didn’t know who I wanted deciding the fate of education in this country, but when that candidate fought through that ONE hot dog that they CLEARLY wanted to throw up? Right there, the tenacity, the sheer determination, they got my vote..’

Maybe follow them into a Dairy Queen and see if they are ‘Hot Eats’ or ‘Cool Treats’ people.

‘The Flamerthrower Burger with Jalapeño Cheddar? Over the Chicken Stip Basket with Texas Toast? And NO Blizzard?! What are you going to do when an ACTUAL blizzard hits a major city if you can’t even EAT one?! SUCK ME, pal.’

Undecided. Here. Between these two people? After everything? What else are you undecided about? One step at a time? Adding milk to cereal? Getting off the highway at your exit?

‘Look I know I LIVE there but that ramps gonna have to step it up before i use it again. It just hasn’t been showing me anything…’

Maybe just flip a coin. Tails for T. Heads for H. Done. Right there. 100% chance of pissing off 50% of the country but hey, a decision has been made.

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Can Childless Cat Ladies Care About Society?

There is a sect of people who believe that if you do not have kids you cannot care about the future. You cannot care about society because you don’t have a ‘stake’ in it. That not having kids means if there was complete anarchy, everything turned to flames and vipers roamed the streets biting grand mothers, what would you care? It’s not like you have kids! Having kids means you’d pulled that snake off of that lady. Not having kids means you’d sit back, popcorn in hand, watching an elderly be devoured.

‘Get her, snake! Then get me! I don’t care what happens!’

There is a sect of people also saying that they wouldn’t want their kids taught by someone who doesn’t have kids of their own. What does this mean? Should planes only be flown by pilots who OWN a plane? Trains driven by people who have their own personal railway?

‘Hey, before I get on this Greyhound bus, do you own it?’

‘Do I own it?… Buddy… it’s a Greyhound Bus. Nobody on here owns anything. Get in or get off I don’t care both of my feet are dead.’

We all know there’s a LOT of people with kids who shouldn’t be in control of anything, right? John Wayne Gacy had kids. Was he better equipped to teach a psych class over someone who doesn’t? Diddy has kids. Should he decide what curriculum goes into sex-ed over someone who currently doesn’t have children of their own?

‘Do you have kids?’

‘I don’t. No criminal record either.’

‘Ugh. I don’t want my kid going to your daycare. What about you?’

‘Nine kids, seven DUI’s and a gun charge.’

‘Great! Nine kids? Perfect. Here’s another. I’ll be back at four. Or five. You got it.’

People without kids can care about the future and society because they live in society and still like a good future. So even though they themselves might not have kids, how people decide to raise/educate/teach/school/reprimand or whatever kids, the ones that are out there, determines whether or not it’s safe to go to a grocery store. Determines whether or not you’ll be eaten by someone who doesn’t have the capacity to wait for you to pick out some bananas. The kids that are rocking teachers in the eyes with iPads because they’re told to stop making reaction videos in class, could one day be rocking us all in the eyes.

‘Hey, are you waiting in line?’

*Swings grocery basket their holding at your head

‘Gahghghg!’

I’m not against kids. Not at all. I don’t have any but I don’t dislike them. I might have one one day. I saw a kid in the airport in a terminal waving at everyone that passed him.

‘Hi’

Just one of the cutest things out there. I can care about the future and society for me and this little guy. I don’t NEED a kid to understand that I don’t want THIS one living in a world of fire roads and vipers eating grandfathers. UNLESS he grows up to instead of wave at people, bash them in the head with a Nintendo DS. Then all bets are off, buddy. I’ll open the cage door of a rattlesnake myself…

Comedian Nathan Macintosh… is a comedian. Comedy specials ‘Money Never Wakes’ and ‘Down With Tech’ on Youtube

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4 Reasons To Eat A Cat

This week there was a now debunked story of migrants going to Springfield, OH, skipping every state and cat between the border and Springfield to get to this small town and it’s perfect, succulent, Ozempic taking Ohioan cats. Not one tabby between Texas and Ohio would do.

‘What about this cat?’

‘What’s wrong with you?! I didn’t jump a border to eat a NEVADA cat! Look at it! Stringy, strung out, looks like Elivis at the end of his life except thin and sun cooked. We march on!’

So people are NOT swimming to shore from Haiti, then walking all the way to Ohio to eat a cat. Or worse, getting a nine connection Spirit flight from Port-Au-Prince to a place that I’m guessing doesn’t have its own airport. You’re going to have to go Haiti to Montego Bay, Montego Bay to Miami, Miami to Minneapolis, BIG layover, then get to Cleveland and bus? Hike? Walk? Sprint to Springfield? Either way, just because this is NOT happening, it doesn’t mean that we SHOULDN’T be eating cats. Here are four reasons you should think about that calico for dinner.

1. THEIR ALOOFNESS

   Look cat, your entire life is taken care of in here. You have toys you don’t use, a scratching post you’ve pissed on, and treats you purr for then instantly go back to being in the shower, on top of the fridge, or back in bed directly after using your litter box you piece of sh…. you could be a little nicer. You have no bills. You’re asked to do nothing around here and you always have food and water. The LEAST you could do is PRETEND to be a bit more appreciative about this. If I had a roommate who contributed nothing AND slept for 16 hours a day while showing no love and hiding for days? I’d think about eating them too.

2. THEIR SMELL

   So you’re telling me, cat, that not only are you going to do whatever you want around here and attack people sometimes because you feel like it, you’re ALSO going to smell? Like that? Your breath? Your open air toilet box in the house? Your food? The lack of decency you show. A chicken has never pissed in a box then pretended to cover it up with gravel in somebodies house. Cows aren’t avoiding all contact with you because THEY’RE in a mood. We’re eating them, but NOT this disgusting trash heap that makes everyone’s house it lives in have that distinct, ‘dear god’, ‘what in the good god’ smell? Ya getting eaten, pal.

3. ANCIENT EGYPT REVERED THEM

   Here’s all I’ll say here. We STILL don’t REALLY know how the pyramids got here, but the people that made them or saw them be made or whatever thought that cats were the top of the top. Cats were looked at as holy creatures. Ancient Egyptians looked at cats as vessels that gods would inhabit. Now maybe I’m nuts, but people go to church and eat Jesus. Full BODY OF CHRIST to the mouth. Take a swig of the mans blood. Lot of people look at him as god, so we’re gonna eat a carpenter but not a cat? Jesus could have even supervised the making of the pyramids had he been there. What would a cat do? Sun itself on one of the big boulders and swipe at your when you tried to get it to move? No dice, cat. You’re boiled.

4. THEY HAVE NINE LIVES

   This one should scare us all. Which other animal out there has nine lives? The Predator? Zenomorph from Alien? Michael Myers? Jason Vorhees? Do you want any of these creatures/murderers as pets? Vorhees for sure is the only one that would stink up your house the way a cat does. Buddy lives IN a lake. Trenchfoot galore on this back from the dead mamas boy. But ANYTHING that lives more than once should be eaten. It’s too creepy to have them just roaming around. Also maybe if you eat it, you’ll get another life. Like a mushroom in Mario. A cats nine lives give you one life. So look out ‘Mrs. Mittens’, you smelly, terrible attitude having alley dweller who can fall off a building eight times and still make their high school reunion, you’re getting baked.

   Nathan Macintosh (me) is a comedian with two stand up specials on youtube, ‘Money Never Wakes’ and ‘Down With Tech’ and has upcoming shows as well as other things below

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