14 States Are Suing Tik Tok And Let's Goooooooooo
Fourteen states are suing Tik Tok for destroying the mental health of the younger generation. Yes. Let’s do it. It’s not just hurting the younger generations brain. Go anywhere. Every store people are looking at it. Check in desk in airports they’re scrolling. Young, old, people in wheelchairs and even cops. There’s nobody not looking at this thing. I’m sure soon baseball players are going to be fighting to look at it during games.
‘I mean I’m just STANDING out there in right field. It’s boring! I’ll put my phone down when I hear a ball hit a bat. Come ON let me scroll!’
States are suing Tik Tok in part because Tik Tok knew that people could become addicted but didn’t care. They knew its power and did nothing to make it less addictive. Not in its creation or even with warnings. Video games systems come with warnings. Draft Kings lets you know in a quiet hushed tone that downloading their app could lead you to losing your house and living under a bridge drinking your own piss. They don’t WANT to say these things. They don’t WANT to tell you but in a good decency they have to. Social media apps, especially Tik Tok with it’s completely unlimited scroll capability should have the same.
‘Downloading this app could lead to hating yourself, comparing yourself with every single person on the planet, realizing that your body is garbage or just generally sitting on a couch drooling butter for hours and hours until you feel like filling your apartment with carbon dioxide… please scroll responsibly.’
People can become addicted, like addicted addicted, in under thirty five minutes. In under thirty five minutes of scrolling this mindlessly decrepit content pit, you can be addicted to the point that if someone tries to take it from you you will bite them. In thirty five minutes the algorithm can know you so well that you might need to hit a rehab. The Betty Ford Content Center. Someone will have to peel your phone from you, wrap you in a blanket because you’re vibrating and toss you into this place. You sit in a room and detox, sipping green tea and trying to shake the habit.
‘Hey, I’m a nurse here just checking on you. How are you feeling today?’
‘Better, you know? I’m feeling good it’s just like… haha… I mean… look… I’ll suck your dick for a scroll'…’
Tik Tok could be harder to kick than heroin, because heroin doesn’t know you. Heroin doesn’t study you. Heroin doesn’t go through your phone and check your text messages. You can’t get heroin when you’re eight! Going to be pretty hard, anyway. Where’s the money coming from? Where do you go to find it? Recess?
‘You want a fruit roll up?’
‘Ehhhh I’m looking for something a littler harder…’
‘… Say less….’
And of course they made Tik Tok as addictive as possible. You’d be able to put it down if it wasn’t because the app is ugly. Absolutely horrendous to open and look at. Cheap looking content holder. It looks like a Bi-Way. A Winners. A Marshalls. It’s the equivalent of finding a bunch of DVD’s in a bin at a Salvation Army. It’s not a pretty app. Ad as soon as you open it. It feels as if it could just crash at any moment. It’s Doritos in video form. Doritos are horrible for you so they spruce them up. Colours. Packaging. Shiny. Tik Tok is this. Horrible trough of videos. It’s the butt chugging of content.
‘Wanna watch a movie?’
‘How about I stand on my head and you jam clips of the movie into my ass?’
‘… Say lesss…’
People will fight it. Not just Tik Tok. Even though it’s in all of our best interest because if people can’t get off of this thing, people are born onto it, then one day this will be our complete society. But some people say ‘I learn on Tik Tok!’ If you say you ‘learn on Tik Tok’ you better be eight-sixteen. You better have homework. You better be walking around with a book bag that has a juice box in it. When a fully grown tax paying adult tells me they ‘learn on Tik Tok’ it truly depresses me. This is the ONLY way to learn? You can’t read a book? Listen to a book?
‘No! I can’t learn about the Civil War that way! I need a woman telling me about it in forty nine seconds while she’s doing her make-up!’
‘Did you learn about the Civil War on Tik Tok?’
‘… No I learned you can make Dorito covered chicken IN the bag of Doritos! What book is that in?!’
Tik Tok went out of their way to not say how addicting it is because the more we are on it the more money they make. Makes sense. The more Coke you drink the more money Coke makes. But you can only drink so much Coke. You can’t pound through eighteen bottles of coke in ten minutes. You can’t chug nine litres of sweet sweet cola while waiting for your connecting flight. You don’t JUST keep chugging. You’ve never drank Coke and lost track of time. You’ve never been pounding an unlimited bottle of the stuff, put it down and go ‘Oh damn, it’s already Wednesday? Oh man… I FORGOT TO PICK MY WIFE UP FROMT HE AIRPORT!’
So these fourteen states are suing Tik Tok and I’m for it. Sue em. Sue em hard. Get em out of here. That part won’t happen BUT I love the attempt. If Tik Tok was a person you’d want him assaulted. Just the neediest dork idiot loser who keeps poking you telling you to check something out and who does not want you to leave their side.
‘Hey look at this! And this! Also this wait where are you going check this! And this! Don’t go stay here and that’s great yes check this!’
‘Look at this! My foot in your ass!’
‘… Say less…’
Nathan Macintosh (me) is a comedian with two stand up specials on YouTube. ‘Money Never Wakes’ named the Best Youtube Special Of 2023 by The New York Times, and ‘DOWN WITH TECH’ which is below