4 Reasons To Eat A Cat
This week there was a now debunked story of migrants going to Springfield, OH, skipping every state and cat between the border and Springfield to get to this small town and it’s perfect, succulent, Ozempic taking Ohioan cats. Not one tabby between Texas and Ohio would do.
‘What about this cat?’
‘What’s wrong with you?! I didn’t jump a border to eat a NEVADA cat! Look at it! Stringy, strung out, looks like Elivis at the end of his life except thin and sun cooked. We march on!’
So people are NOT swimming to shore from Haiti, then walking all the way to Ohio to eat a cat. Or worse, getting a nine connection Spirit flight from Port-Au-Prince to a place that I’m guessing doesn’t have its own airport. You’re going to have to go Haiti to Montego Bay, Montego Bay to Miami, Miami to Minneapolis, BIG layover, then get to Cleveland and bus? Hike? Walk? Sprint to Springfield? Either way, just because this is NOT happening, it doesn’t mean that we SHOULDN’T be eating cats. Here are four reasons you should think about that calico for dinner.
THEIR ALOOFNESS
Look cat, your entire life is taken care of in here. You have toys you don’t use, a scratching post you’ve pissed on, and treats you purr for then instantly go back to being in the shower, on top of the fridge, or back in bed directly after using your litter box you piece of sh…. you could be a little nicer. You have no bills. You’re asked to do nothing around here and you always have food and water. The LEAST you could do is PRETEND to be a bit more appreciative about this. If I had a roommate who contributed nothing AND slept for 16 hours a day while showing no love and hiding for days? I’d think about eating them too.
THEIR SMELL
So you’re telling me, cat, that not only are you going to do whatever you want around here and attack people sometimes because you feel like it, you’re ALSO going to smell? Like that? Your breath? Your open air toilet box in the house? Your food? The lack of decency you show. A chicken has never pissed in a box then pretended to cover it up with gravel in somebodies house. Cows aren’t avoiding all contact with you because THEY’RE in a mood. We’re eating them, but NOT this disgusting trash heap that makes everyone’s house it lives in have that distinct, ‘dear god’, ‘what in the good god’ smell? Ya getting eaten, pal.
ANCIENT EGYPT REVERED THEM
Here’s all I’ll say here. We STILL don’t REALLY know how the pyramids got here, but the people that made them or saw them be made or whatever thought that cats were the top of the top. Cats were looked at as holy creatures. Ancient Egyptians looked at cats as vessels that gods would inhabit. Now maybe I’m nuts, but people go to church and eat Jesus. Full BODY OF CHRIST to the mouth. Take a swig of the mans blood. Lot of people look at him as god, so we’re gonna eat a carpenter but not a cat? Jesus could have even supervised the making of the pyramids had he been there. What would a cat do? Sun itself on one of the big boulders and swipe at your when you tried to get it to move? No dice, cat. You’re boiled.
THEY HAVE NINE LIVES
This one should scare us all. Which other animal out there has nine lives? The Predator? Zenomorph from Alien? Michael Myers? Jason Vorhees? Do you want any of these creatures/murderers as pets? Vorhees for sure is the only one that would stink up your house the way a cat does. Buddy lives IN a lake. Trenchfoot galore on this back from the dead mamas boy. But ANYTHING that lives more than once should be eaten. It’s too creepy to have them just roaming around. Also maybe if you eat it, you’ll get another life. Like a mushroom in Mario. A cats nine lives give you one life. So look out ‘Mrs. Mittens’, you smelly, terrible attitude having alley dweller who can fall off a building eight times and still make their high school reunion, you’re getting baked.
Nathan Macintosh (me) is a comedian with two stand up specials on youtube, ‘Money Never Wakes’ and ‘Down With Tech’ and has upcoming shows as well as other things below
Everyone Has Anxiety. Stop It.
Been seeing a lot of people on-line with posts detailing how they recently have been diagnosed with anxiety. The posts are full of descriptions of how this completely explains everything! Why they have been weird at parties. Why they’re scared to reach for a grocery cart at the ‘Shop & Toss’. How now they understand that odd feeling they get inside when another human being slips off their Crocs in front of them to ‘rock out with their Croc out…’
‘I’ve finally figured it out! I have anxiety! This one thing solves ME!’
Have you? DO you?! Have you and this doctor finally cracked the code on why you felt a way about going to that Grade 8 dance as a kid? Or. OR. Is it POSSIBLE, you there, anxious Andy, might have what we ALL have? That you’re no different than any person riding a cross town bus with a crotch in their face? That a doctor told you that you WERE a bit different and can treat that difference with a pill?
We’re all anxious. Everyone. At one point in time or another. Being anxious is part of being a human being. We get anxious about first dates, job interviews, posting, walking, thinking, sex, the lack of it, the lack of walking to a job interview for sex while posting. Lots of stuff. Just about EVERYONE gets anxious about going to a party where there will be tons of people they don’t know and have to meet. The only people that don’t are the ones at the party who everyone else is secretly talking about.
‘Who’s Johnny loud mouth beaking in front of the hummus?’
‘Don’t. Know. How many buttons are NOT done up on that shirt?’
And even that guy has anxiety from time to time. His pecs deflate a little? Another button comes undone on that already down to three button shirt? He stares into his creatin filled eyes and feels something.
Anxiety levels of all of us have for sure gone up over the last few years. How could they not? Just about everyone is trying to become a famous influencer/CEO/Chef/Author/Doctor/Gym owner with a fat ass, jaw line that can cut a tomato and a stomach flatter than Saskatchewan. We’re glaring at screens filled with idiots showing us how THEY got their tum down to Regina sizes.
‘I just drank some kind of tea you can buy with this promo code and stopped eating… oh and surgery! But get the tea with promo code ‘I Didn’t Say Those Other Things’! Tummy Tea. You’re food processor will be flatter than a dead guys vitals monitor in no time…’
We’re all seeing what more and more people are doing around the world. Everyone of their (for the most part) pages are the happiest, glowing, ‘look at me and my brother who never fight we just air juggle each other for views’ things. There are eight year old millionaires out there. Child millionaires. Not ONE. MANY.
‘Hi, I’m Kyle. I was literally born yesterday. I made twenty seven million dollars the day before that playing video games with my umbilical cord. I’m sponsored by Mountain Dew and you drink it. You’re over thirty and can’t afford a yacht? Barf on god fam you’re gross get my tea.’
We’re all connected to hell. We’re all more anxious as a result. Nobody is off grid. Even the off grid people! The people who go off grid start YouTube channels detailing their off the gridness!
‘Hey! Welcome back to ‘Out Of Bounds Outhouses’ the channel where we shit on convention! This week, I’m going to show you have to build a toilet out of a pile of sticks and a dead squirrel. Hint, the squirrel is the handle… before we get going I want to thank today’s sponsor, ManScaped! You don’t want to be out here with long bag hair. My first day my packages perm got caught on a rusty gate. Thank god for Manscape!’
Now. The off grid people who live on YouTube. You don’t think they have anxiety? You don’t think they peel their kale shoes off and argue with the other person they talked into believing this was a good idea about ad revenue? About views? About the future of the channel? What are we calling this? Wood disease? Off Grid obsoletism? It’s anxiety. It is two people holding a dead varmint having anxiety about their future. The way we all do.
Then there is a general anxiety of the world itself. Jobs, housing, I mean housing alone!, price of eggs, inflation, that creepy person behind you on the street dragging a katana. All things to have anxiety about at any given time. If you went to a doctor they might prescribe something.
‘The guy was just LUMBERING down the block with a sword! Scratching it on the ground!’
‘Oh wow… and this made you anxious?The next time an angry samurai pulls his weapon down the street behind you, take this pill, you won’t feel a thing.’
There are some people who have problems with anxiety. Some people have been born with anxiety disorders and can be benefited by treatment for it. Collectively all of our anxiety has been on the rise, but we don’t ALL need pills. We’re not ALL at the mercy of an SSRI to make us not feel a way about responding to a text. We don’t all have a full on anxiety problem. We have a ‘living as a human being’ problem. A lot of us have a being on the internet and dealing with the world today problem, and the way to fix that? Well, that’s easy. You just put some money aside maybe if you can and get off social media but that’s ju… oh whatever give me the pills…
3 REASONS TO GET INTO DEBT
If you have a hundred dollars and no debt you could be richer than about 70% of America. One hundred dollars. Owed to nobody. On the bus? You’re richer than that guy in the G Wagon beside you who’s chewing on a cigar and getting screamed at by a woman with a BBL. You do. It doesn’t SEEM like it because you’re on the bus, and the person beside YOU has a dead cat in their hoodie and a live cat in their pants (the size of a BBL but still). You, bus man, bus person, non cigar chewer, with a hundred bucks owed to no one is richer than G Wagon. BUT… that is wrong. That is bad. You’re NOT in debt? What’s wrong with you?! This is debt land. Get into it! Here are four reasons you should get off the bus, walk right to a doctor and overdraft your card for bigger lips.
THOSE PAYDAY LOANS PLACES / APPS
One reason to get into debt? To visit your local ‘Money-O-Gram’, ‘Cheque-Today-Fear-Tomorrow’ or ‘Legal-Loansharking’ building. If you’re not in debt you never see these magical fronts of death. These Greyhound bus station-esque places with lights on way too bright where anger and sadness permeates the walls. Only way to get this experience without going into debt would be to be captured on vacation in a Hostel type situation. OR now, thankfully, with an app. See those commercials? Some smiling dystopian person creepily pitching an app that SENDS YOU MONEY FROM NOWHERE… how could anything go wrong here?
‘I signed up for PayToday and I get my money FAST. PayToday isn’t even mad!’
Voiceover comes on ‘PayToday charges 65% interest on all loans sent to customers and if you don’t pay them back within the SECOND they are due a representative from PayToday will come to your house in a ski mask and smoke every member of your family in the head with a wrench…’ as the woman in the commercial is eating cotton candy and riding a ferris wheel. And you could be that woman, if you try PayToday, TODAY!
CONSTANT FEAR
Who doesn’t love Halloween? The Incredible Hulk ride at Universal Studios? Being in a dark alley with a shrouded figure holding a machete? Wouldn’t you like that feeling ALL the time? Well you can have it with debt. Owe money all over the place, bills start coming around, and man! Emotions are running high! Is that a creditor behind you or the Terrifier? Is that ‘PayToday’ coming to collect or a rapid pitbull with a knife? Doesn’t matter! You’re still sweating and living on the edge! Your adrenaline is running high, and it’s not costing you anything except on average 18.9 percent interest…
BEING IN THE 70%
Who doesn’t like being in a group? Who doesnt’ want to fit in with the most people possible? You want to be one of the three in ten out there? Three? You only have two other people to relate to. What if the other seven want to eat you and those two? How are you three going to fight off seven trying to chomp down on your heads? Get on the other side and do the biting. Being in debt is so normalized that it doesn’t seem like a big deal.
‘You owe $126k?! Wow… that’s it?! I’d KILL someone to owe that tiny, completely easy to get, nothing to worry about amount of money. Me? $258k. I don’t even know what it’s all for hahahhahahahhaha… anyway taking the wife and kids to Cabo AGAIN this weekend. But guess what? ‘PayToday’ isn’t even mad!’
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