Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Authentic Talent Management:

New York Office
Tel: (718) 422-0200

James Cristiano: james@authenticm.com

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Moving to Canada.

This week, America made it legal in all fifty states for gay people to get married. Which is amazing, and really cool to see America act like a full country instead of just having pockets of places where gay marriage is legal. But SOME people are angry about it. 'This can not happen!' they say. Not in their country. And they are pissed. SO pissed that they said they would do the unthinkable. One of the worst things that ANY American could ever think of doing. They, are going to move to Canada. 

'Honey, it's happening! Hell is freezing over. We're moving to a place that froze over thousands of years ago. Pack your dog sled. We're going to the North Pole. Canada.'

First of all, really stupid idea. You want to move out of America because they made gay marriage legal? Canada did that ten years ago. Also, the ONLY time you'll think of moving to Canada is when your country goes against god? The only time you'll think about moving to a great country that you know nothing about is when yours insults jesus?

Second, you can't just MOVE to Canada. It's a real country with rules and such. Can people just move to America? No. There is a process. Just because Canada has the idea of being a nice place, doesn't mean you can just show up like it's your buddies couch. 

'Hey, friend. I thought I'd just crash here for a couple of years. That's cool, right? There's troubles in my own home. I won't sign the lease or do any paper work or anything. I'll just crash on your couch. And hey, please keep it down. I have needs to.'

You can't just MOVE to another country. You can't even order something online without filling out some papers. You think you can just show up in a different place? Not a reality. Also, what are you going to tell the border? 

'Business or pleasure, sir?'

'Pissed! That's what! God damn livid!'

'Been there. Go right on, sir. Stay livid, eh?'

I would love to know what these American's who are never going to move to Canada would say at the border when moving to the country that they are NEVER going to move to. Not even if their President is one day an alien who grows fifty feet tall and starts eating children, they'll NEVER make that drive north. It'll never happen, but here are a couple thoughts of what they might say at the border. 

'Why am I COMING here?! Because I'm angry at America and believe we all need guns! You don't want me in your country? Well suck my bag! But not in a gay way. That's what I'm mad about.'

'Look, I'm an AMERICAN. A -M -e... the other letters. You're a dumb little country. I'm going to bring some culture to this mother. You're lucky to have me,... EH. Now step the hell back!'

'My country is letting faggots get married. I swear to g.... You guys do that too? You stupid faggots.... Do you guys have a Chik Fil A? Oh for CHRIST. And I was gonna move here? How do I make a U-ey you queer?'

'Look, I don't know where I'm going here. I know Toronto and Montreal, and I know they touch each other, but other than that? Haven't figured it out. Any place not covered in ice right now?'

'Have you ever heard of a little man named Bruce Springsteen? Well, he's OURS. If you own an album, I should be allowed in your country.'

'We helped you in WW2. Like, what the hell? No, that's not true. We didn't work together to fight Germany. You guys were being given wedgies by England, and we went over there and started cracking heads! You owe me! My grand father PERSONALLY saved a MILLION Canadians in WW1, and now you're going to disrespect me like this?'

'Listen you ignorant syrup sucker, my grand pappy would suck your un-american dick just to prove a point. If he was alive today he'd say, 'Son, run this stupid border guard over.' I didn't get type two diabetes from white powdered donuts and never walking to be talked to like this by a g d CANADIAN. When I find this seat belt buckle I'm gonna beat your ASS. Jail? Sure. I'M going to go to jail. A CANADIAN jail? What's that? A hollowed out tree? I swear to EVERY holy that you people can just su.... ahhhhhhhhhhh! (man tased through his F-150 truck window.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

 

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