Moving To Canada!

There are a lot of Americans saying they will move to Canada if Doctor Trump becomes Doctor of the Free World. A lot of Americans are going to get up, FINALLY get their passport, drive to Canada and lay claim. This is great news. Canada has been waiting for this day!

'You want to come over here SOLELY because you don't like who's running things? Well hell yeah! Come on in and grab a seat!'

Before Americans do move to Canada (which I believe will NEVER happen. Not even one American) there are a few things they should know about Canada if they REALLY do want to move there. 

1. You Can't Just DO That

Canada, much like America, is a country. Canada, much like America, is a country that has rules and regulations and such. You cannot simply get to the border and go 'I'm American, which means I'll stay here as long as I want.' Nope. Not how it works. You have to fill out forms. You have to pay money. You have to have a reason that you are immigrating to another country. And how long are you going to live there? For four years until the owner of Chipotle or whatever runs for President and beats the owner of Golf Courses? Canada isn't a couch.

'Is it cool if I crash here until my landlord leaves the building?'

'Yeah, sure. Couple weeks?'

'Was thinking four years.'

'.... Step into my office, sir.' 

2. We Use Kilometres And It's Better

When I was young and I heard the song 'I can't drive 55', I thought '55 isn't even fast!' I like the song, but what the hell? Was Sammy Hagar going through a school zone? Was he on a road with speed bumps? Pick it up, Sammy! Found out later it was 55 miles an hour, which IS fast, but doesn't SOUND fast. In Canada kilometres are used, not miles. On a highway, you can drive 110 km an hour. Now, what sounds like you're going faster? 110 or 55? 110! That is the answer! Every time! Get used to REALLY GOING FAST. And not buying gallons of gas, buying litres. This will be one of the many greats reasons to be in Canada. No you can't buy a handgun to stash in your glove box incase their are people listening to loud music at the gas station, but you can DRIVE 110 ON A HIGHWAY. I mean, COME ON. 

3. Fahrenheit is toast. Get ready for Celsius. 

ZERO MEANS FREEZING! ZERO! IN WHAT REALM DOES IT MAKES SENSE TO HAVE 32 BE FREEZING?! STOP THE MADNESS! And we have. Canada stopped the madness years ago. And if Americans DO move to Canada (which is not going to happen), they can stop the madness as well. 

4. It's 'Moose' no matter how many there are

Moose's, Moosey's, Moose-i-. NONE of those make sense. If you see one more, or a hundred moose, it's moose. That's it. And you WILL see moose. Everywhere. In your backyard, in the trees in the park, in the library, on the highway, in cars beside you on the highway. Moose are EVERYWHERE.

5. Canadian News Isn't Scary

If you are leaving America for Canada, be prepared for the news to get a little different. America's news is constantly 'Look out for this! Look out for that! Your food is bad! Terrorists are everywhere! Don't travel! Don't stay in your city! Don't drink your water! Don't drink other people's water! Don't look people in the eye! Don't avoid eye contact with crazy people because they take it as a sign of aggression!' Canadian news is a little bit different. You might see a top story about hockey nets on city streets, or another replay of Bautista's bat flip. There could also be some stories about some real crime, but it but it won't be run on a loop with four people continuously talking about this crime means the end of the country and world as we know it. 

6. Canada Also Speaks English

I know a lot of Americans think it's just a french party in  Canada. They think when they get there they are going to have to bring 'that english language with 'em' but we have it. English has been in Canada since it began. We also have some french speaking places, and fun fact, if you speak to ANYONE in French in Canada, they have to hand you ten dollars. So learn some of that language you hate and start a new career!

7. Not Every Single Thing In Canada Is About Race

And NO, THAT IS NOT BECAUSE CANADA DOES NOT HAVE BLACK PEOPLE.

'Ahahha, very funny. There are black people in Canada. Yeah right.'

THERE ARE BLACK PEOPLE IN CANADA.

'... Really? Okay. So how does every conversation not turn into a conversation about race then?'

IT JUST DOESN'T. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT RACE. 

'Okay.... So if someone at a restaurant asks my white friend if he wants the bbq chicken special, and he says no, I can't say something like 'You don't like chicken huh? Racist.' Or if he's black and he turns down the chicken special, I can't do 'WOA, a black man turning down chicken?! That's gotta be a first!'

... PLEASE STOP. THESE JOKES ARE STUPID. YOUR FRIEND JUST DOESN'T WANT THE BBQ CHICKEN SPECIAL. PLEASE STOP THIS. 

'.... I don't think I want to move to Canada.'

I DON'T THINK YOU DO EITHER.

Wishing Death On Rob Ford

Rob Ford passed away today after a fight with cancer. Regardless of what you thought of him, that is an awful way to go that no one should have to go through. Man wasn't even fifty. 

There were people at points in Rob Ford's being Mayor of Toronto that wished death on him. So many tweets about how the man should be killed or die some terrible death or whatever. You'd at least hope that these same people don't find some sort of joy in the news today. Wishing death on someone on twitter is bad and odd enough, let alone being actually happy when it happens. 

And what did people want him to die for? For not being a great Mayor. For smoking crack. For saying that he didn't eat a woman because he had enough to eat at home. For charging at someone during a city council meeting. For putting Toronto on the map for not the best of reasons. For saying that cyclists shouldn't have their own lanes, and that if they get hit by a car it's their own fault (or some sentence like that. Believe it actually had the term 'they are swimming with sharks' in it.) For not going to the gay pride parade. For not knowing that This Hour Has 22 Minutes is a joke news show and thinking they were real reporters coming to attack him. For SO many reasons. But are ANY of these worthy of death? 

Once the man admitted to smoking crack on TV, which is just an unbelievable thing that actually happened, all of his mayoral power was taken away from him. Rob Ford couldn't even have had a stop sign taken down if he wanted to at that point, and people STILL hated him. People STILL wanted the man to die. 

People were mad at Rob Ford as if he casted some kind of spell and magically became Mayor Of Toronto. As if he waved his hand and said, 'It shall be done! I will be Mayor number one!' and floated onto the top of the CN Tower while lightning struck all around him. That's not what happened. People VOTED for Rob Ford. I know, because I voted against him. There was a voting process, and Rob Ford won the majority of the votes. Now, why, WHY be mad at that man who was voted in, and NOT mad at ALL at the people who voted for him? Shouldn't SOME of your anger be directed at them? Rob Ford wasn't the greatest Mayor. We can all agree on that. But SOME of the blame should lie with the people who thought he would be great, not SOLELY on the man who didn't end up being great. 

The people who voted against him and didn't think he'd be a good mayor were proved right. The man embarrassed himself so many times. Just an incredible amount. But did that make the people who voted against him happy? Not all. Some STILL wished him DEATH. Death! For being on camera drunk in a Jamaican restaurant. For COMPLETELY falling on his ass when he tried to throw a football. For walking directly into a camera when he came out of an office. For making Toronto a joke for a good couple of months. And again, I say, Rob Ford didn't do this alone. Rob Ford was aided by people that voted for him.

Rob Ford clearly was a man who had some issues. No denying that. The man was caught on camera drunk and maybe high, screaming that he was going to kill someone. Cool for a Mayor of even a coffee table to do? Absolutely not. But the way that PEOPLE attacked him, tweeted that he should be hit by cars are thrown off of cliffs, act as if THEY have never done anything bad. As if they don't know anyone who has some problems. As if EVERYone in their family is without a drinking problem who might turn a family gathering into a small intervention.  The air of superiority these people had was incredible. Should Rob Ford have been Mayor? Probably not. Were many of the things he did justified in terms of SMOKING CRACK and RUSHING WOMEN IN CITY COUNCIL? Of course not. But does that mean that people should have wished death on him? No. 

Rob Ford wasn't a great mayor, wasn't a great face for Toronto and shouldn't have held any real power. But he was also clearly a man with some problems, clearly a man who needed some help and clearly a flawed.  In society, for other people, we pretend that we all have it all together and that there is no attachment to us and problems. The only people that would truly no about alcoholics in your family say would be the closest of friends and the like. Which makes sense, you can't just go around OPENING conversations with the fact that your dad drinks too much, but we shouldn't also condemn others for such things as if we couldn't fathom at all how something like substance abuse could happen. 

Regardless of what you thought of Rob Ford, death wasn't something that he deserved. Deserved not to have power over a city? Of course. But think about his last little while. Do you think the man wanted to pass away at 46, after making himself a world wide laughing stock for his actions? I doubt it.

I wasn't a Rob Ford guy, I voted against the man. But it's sad at points when you see the lack of compassion from strangers with computers. 

Blue Jay BandWagon Jumpers

The Blue Jays are doing great, bringing the 90's feeling back to the city. Most people are really happy about this. Some people? Some people who were fans when the Jays were not doing great are PISSED that the Jays have gotten new fans. The same way that people who are upset that the  band they were a fan of who used to play under a bridge, finds huge success and reaches a mass audience gets mad.

'What? YOU didn't love 'Bucket Of Garbage' like IIIIII did. I saw them play in a swamp. A swamp! I rode a gator... alone! I have a ticket stub from that show they did in a dumpster behind Sizzler! What right do you have to like them? What right?!'

Some people who were Jays fans even when they had that AWFUL angry 'Blue Jay' as a logo, are mad at newcomers. I went to some games when they had that logo, and always thought 'Blue Jays aren't angry. Why do they have this bird flying through lightning in these promos? This is baseball! Not the Gulf War.'  What was that logo? Who came up with that? Was that designed after Wrestleman 18 when Hollywood Hogan fought the Rock?

'Hey, you see that? These fans LOVE Hollywood Hogan. They're cheering for him more than they do the Jays!'

'You thinking what I'm thinking?'

'Hiring Hulk Hogan as the mascot?'

'... Not bad, but no. Making the Jays logo and entrance match his pants.'

'Woa, woa, woa! Hogan just leg dropped The Rock! I'm coming unglued! What did you say?'

To some degree, I get people being mad at bandwagon jumpers. I GET it, but I don't get it. 

Last year, I was doing shows in October in a small town with barely anything to do. The comedian I was with is a big baseball fan and he watched every World Series game that he could. I watched with him and really got into it. Understood how exciting it can be. I could never watch baseball on TV before. I always loved going to games, I played as a kid, but watching on TV? Couldn't do it. Just thought it was so boring.  Basketball sucked me in pretty easily. It's fast, it has music I like, cheerleaders are everywhere. 

'What are you guys watching?'

'A person with ADD's dream! Look! Fast paced, bouncing ball, tits, rap music, horns, tits! I can't stop!'

Baseball is a little different, but watching the World Series, I got into it.

I've always loved going to games. Baseball is one of the best sports to see live, because there's so many things happening. You want to watch a game? Go ahead. You want to sit and drink? Done. You want to sing songs loudly and play weird stadium games all night? They have that. You want to just scream at people? Okay. 

'What do you guys want to do tonight?'

'Whatever the hell I want? I might get drunk and tell a nine year old to suck it.'

'... Baseball?'

'Oh. Yeah. I'll get my 'Suck It' sign.'

I have four Blue Jays hats. One was bought after they started playing well, the others were  bought solely to represent Canada. The maple leaf logo is great. Just a Canadian simple on a nice hat? I'm in. I can't buy a Calgary Flames hat for Canada. I can't get a Vancouver Canucks Jersey to represent where I'm from. 

'Oh, sweet. Senators fan?'

'No. Just from Canada and I love it.'

'Why not just get a hat that says 'Canada' on it?'

'Because those hats are sold at Irving gas stations for twelve dollars and I don't like them.'

'Ah.... I'm a Sens fan. Ever been to Ottawa?'

Again, I GET why some people would be mad at newcomers, but why would you not want people to get excited? It's the only team in the country! All we have! When they are doing well, the entire country SHOULD jump on board. In the MLB, it is basically Blue Jays vs America. We are the only team represented for Canada. That is it. I've started watching because I live in NY, and I miss home. It's great to see them doing well, and it's great to see just Canadians getting excited about it. I met a guy from Calgary on the train in NY who saw my Jays hat, and started talking about what a fan he is. It's making people across the country happy. 

People who are mad are going to be mad regardless. Do you know how mad fans would have been if NO ONE had jumped on board? They would have been livid! The teams doing well and nobody cares? 

'Edwin hits 75 homers in a game and there's only six thousand people here?! This is ridiculous! How could people not get behind this team?! Where the hell are the fans!? Out there just sucking themselves? Christ.'

New fans show up.

'Oh, what the HELL. YOU weren't here when Bautista was out there wearing shorts and just laying down in the field. You can't come in here when he actually puts pants on and starts playing! I used to use your seat to put my beer on. Where am I going to put my beer now? My dumb hand?! Christ.'

Growing up, a friend of mine had tons of Blue Jays posters on his walls. Shots of the Skydome, Joe Carter, banners. Everything. We played Ken Griffey Jr's baseball on Super Nintendo and were always either Jays or Expos, OR the Mariners, just to sock dingers with Griffey. People were excited as hell about the Jays at the time, and it's great to see that happening again. Get mad at people for cheering if you want, but for me, I'm cheering for Canada. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh