Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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I failed a lot of classes.

Have you ever failed a class? Oh daddy. I have failed classes. Failed hard. Hard as a dick. Not just 'didn't pass', a full blown, disrespectful fail. I ended up graduating high school with honours, but MAN, before the end? I failed a BUNCH of classes. Subjects from east to west. Subjects that you should know and others that don't really matter. I've failed them all! There are reasons for all of these, most notably that at the time I did not care at all about these classes. First class I ever failed? 

Swim Class - YMCA - This was not a class class in the school sense, but I failed it. I was about ten when this happened. I could never swim. I was always horrified of the water. For Christmas, my mom bought me lessons at the Y, and I remembered seeing this and being horrified. I didn't want to go. I did not learn how to swim then. I failed a class at the Y. They failed me. You think they'd go, 'Well, we couldn't teach him. He'll learn someday.' But no, they said, 'We couldn't teach him. He FAILED to learn how to swim. Just awful. This thing will NEVER swim.' I thought at this time, 'what ever. I don't need to swim. Not me, not ever.' 

Keyboarding - Grade 10 - I'm not even sure how I got into this class. I don't know if I had to take it or if I chose it. I'm assuming that I chose it, that I believed in grade 10, 'Hey, this will be an easy credit!' But, I was also smoking weed and not caring about school. Sitting there in that class, pushing buttons repeatedly for an hour, I just didn't care. Just typing the same things over and over for hours. 

'Okay, class. We're going to type 'This class is insanely hard for a 16 year old from a bad place to pay attention to' for the first forty minutes. Then, you're head will explode. And make sure you keep typing when it does!'

Failed this class HARD. I believe I was given a 21. For the year. I figured then that I would never learn to type. Just figured, 'Won't need to do this. Computers are stupid. I'll just stay away from them.' That was dumb. I am typing now. And today, I would pass that class! And now, this class is pretty useless. Today people are on keyboards before they even come out of the womb. 

'Why are you eating an iPad?'

'My unborn is bored. Keeps kicking. Thought I'd send down some candy crush.'

'Do you know how dangerous that is?'

'Do you know how dangerous a bored kid is? Probably not. YOU'RE not a parent. Hand me that Sriracha. This iPad is ROUGH.'

Math - Grade 10 - This class? WOA. I TRULY failed this class. I was given a 5 in this class. A 5. Out of a hundred. At the end of the year, the teacher said he'd be able to give me extra points if I could turn my 5 percent into a fraction. I said I think if I could do that, I think he would've given me a six. He wasn't a fan of that.

'You think this is a joke?'

'Well, no. But a 5 is kind of hilarious. I mean, I thought you'd get more than that just for showing up.'

'You didn't show up a lot.'

'Yes. Yes, this is true.'

This class was interesting. Nobody cared about it. A guy got robbed of his mini disc player during class. No one really paid attention to the teacher. I failed the BALLS off of this one. You'd have to work to get a 5 in a class. I mean, you might have to fight a teacher. Give him a razors edge through his desk. You might have to set your books on fire. Even then, someone might go, 'Well, Jesus. They're troubled. Give them a 10.'

English - Grade 10- Now, as you can see, grade 10 wasn't a good year for me. I was just failing it all. I was skipping school almost daily, smoking weed and listening to Cash Money. This english class? FAILED. Some mark in the 20's. We were supposed to read Catcher In The Rye, and when the teacher said that the man who shot John Lennon had this book in his pocket, I was high or hung over, and I heard that in the book, the man shoots John Lennon. I read the whole thing for this reason, waiting for the main character to shoot this Beatle. Get to the last five pages, and thought, 'Wow, he's going to shoot a Beatle, and they are going to wrap that up quick. This book is.... Oh man. No dead Beatle.' Most of my writing about the book was 'The main character didn't shoot a Beatle!' The teacher pulled me aside and said, 'Nathan, when I was talking about this book you were drunk. I'm failing you.' Another class in the bag. The wrong bag. 

Science - Grade 10 - Now, this one I didn't fail. TECHNICALLY. Should have. Oh baby, should have failed this hard. This one shouldn't have even been a thought. Not even been close. The ONLY reason I didn't fail this class, is that the day we were supposed to write the exam, the teacher had a heart attack. Yep. True story. Since he couldn't get the exams to us, due to his heart attack, the school passed us. I was given a fifty. A barely pass 50. But I'm telling you, if I had to write that exam? FAIL HARD. A heart attack saved my life. I'll never be able to claim that again. 

Chemistry - Grade 11 - The heart attack of the teacher the previous year did nothing to help me here. Not a thing. The teacher I had for this class actually wrote out science book. Serious. One day, he was teaching us something, and went 'oh, that's wrong. It was right at the time, but now, not right.' Wrote the book! I missed a class once, came back, and everyone was talking about 'the mole'. A science thing. Had no idea what was going on, and never caught up. Rest of the year, I wrote jokes in during the class. Ended up with a 20 something. Some good jokes though. Probably not. I was 15. I think I wrote one about how quick girls were developing. That one day they would just be born looking like Pamela Anderson. Failed HARD.

Math - Grade 10 (Again) - Now, this time, oh man. Failed AGAIN. But actually, didn't end up failing. I tried here. I think. I had a forty something or maybe less before the end of the year. My teacher liked me. He said if you take these text books upstairs, I'll give you the points you need to pass. So, I carried math text books from one room to another. Passed that class, but should I have? Oh no. That was a fail. 

Canadian History - Grade 11 - Now, this one, IS my fault. I believe I was given a 49 in this class. One point from having the credit and being able to move up the ranks of the Canadian History hero's hall of fame. This was because I failed yes, but the teacher did not like me. A 49 is a slap in the face. Rather have a zero. Just come to my house and punch me in the face. Failed this thing though, hard. I talked a bunch, didn't do work, asked a million questions the teacher didn't want to answer, and generally just didn't care. I thought, 'Canadian History? When will I need this? Who cares!' And was given a 49. Which, yes, I failed, but I mean, come on. 

Math - Grade 11 - Me and Math, man. I can do it. Well, I can do it. But did I care to? No. I cannot, or could not, sit and do work without asking questions about it. It was impossible for me to do. I asked a million questions in this class. I was kicked out, had to do my math work in the office. Office, baby. This class? FAIled. Hard. 

Failed eight classes in my life. Kicked out of more and suspended more there over. Good? No. Would I do it all again? Sure. You haven't lived until you've failed a class. This part is not true, but still, you want to pass ALL of your classes, loser? Ugh.