Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Authentic Talent Management:

New York Office
Tel: (718) 422-0200

James Cristiano: james@authenticm.com

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Video Game Glitches.

I have played video games since I was a kid. A very little kid. I remember getting a Nintendo Entertainment System (just like saying the whole thing) when I was five. I LOVED playing Mario Bros. As a kid I'd move the controller to jump with Mario. My brother and I would leave the system paused for HOURS when our mom would say that we had to go out. Just. HOURS. Come back, SOMEtimes the game would still be working, other times the screen would just be blinking. Other times it would be frozen.

'Come on, Mario, you stupid piece of garbage! How did you freeze!? This is 1990! Get it together!'

Video games of the past had glitches for sure. Some walls weren't really there. You could jump off a cliff, not die and just be stuck in a pit. I remember once in WWF Raw for Super Nintendo Entertainment System (just keeping that up), I beat the HELL out of Yokozuna. He didn't get up. Just DIED in the corner. Match couldn't end. 

"My GAWD, Kang! Yokozuna is DEAD. Somebody stop the damn match!"

"We can't! The game didn't prepare for this! He will have to restart the system!"

".... My. GAWD. We'll have to restart Yoko's heart! Somebody, PLEASE, REstart the damn SYSTEM!"

Video games now are all on-line, which means that you are always connected to the company. In the past when you bought a game, that was it. It was yours. They could not tamper with it anymore. Now, they can add things to games whenever. You wake up, turn a game on, and those red dragons are now green, there's a bigger sword available, or the game. HAS A. GLIIIITTTCH. 

'Woa! This game worked yesterday. Now, the pitchers can't throw fastballs. That is quite interesting.'

If a company wants, they can alter the game in bad ways. And I'm positive they do. I still have a PS3. Yes, I know some people hear that and want to puke.

'But, *burp*, that thing, *agh*, came out in, *belch*, 2006! OH MY GOD. I can't. Where's your bathroo.... *throws up everywhere*'

I'd like to remind people that the PS3 still works. You can still use it. It's not at the bottom of a pyramid that needs a map to get to.

'The PS3 pyramid? That's been under sand for thousands of years now. The only way in, is to find the talisman and point it directly at the heart of a lion.'

'Where do we find the talisman?'

'Last I heard, it was inside a lion that ate the man who pointed it at it's heart. That lion died. Now? Who. Knows.'

The PS4 is out now, yes. Has been. I'm at some point going to get it. But the video game industry would like to that to happen sooner. I think this, because I swear as time goes on, the industry adds glitches to it's older games so that you move on. In NHL14 right now, (yes, again, I KNOW how old it is. Try not to puke!) there are glitches. It happened with NHL13 and 12 as well. And I swear they do this, so that you will go, 'Ah man. This game SUCKS now. I have to get the new one.' It's weird. Instead of a game being made to stand alone, the way that games were previously, you are constantly being pushed to buy upgrades, new games, and not spend too much time with these older games.

'Move on, losers! We made this game for you to like and play for ONE year. Do you hear us? ONE. The NEW one is out. BUY IT. We have moved on from this one. Can't YOU?'

Years ago if companies wanted to disrupt game they had put out, they would have to come to your house and break it in half. Since we're always connected, not needed anymore. Imagine if car companies did that? New car comes out and Toyota just cuts the breaks on your Corolla.

'Alright, kids. We're heading to the zoo, buckle up an...... OH GOD! The gas pedal has jammed down! I know I should have gotten the 2016 version, this one's almost a year old!'

'Daddy! Are we going to be okay?!'

'No! We're losers who aren't keeping up! JE-SUS!'

The video game industry seemed at one point that it wanted to make good, challenging games. It made games for people who truly like video games. Now, it seems they are just trying to make money off of EVERY little thing. The industry used to make it possible for you to unlock things in the game. 

"If you beat this game on hard, we'll give you something. Why? Because man, it's going to be hard to do. Also, thanks for buying the game. We know you didn't have to. It, is... appreciated."

It is actually IMPOSSIBLE to unlock things in most games now. Physically, game-ysically impossible. Instead, you buy the unlock able content that you used to have to earn. BUY IT. What happens when you beat the game on hard? Not a damn thing. What happens if you beat a level or something under a certain time limit? You just did that thing. That's all, dirt bag. You want that character? You want that new thing? Crack that wallet, grease pig. Thanks for buying the game, and for continuing to buy anything else we want you to buy. Just disgusting. 

"Hey, if I work hard in this class, will I get an A?"

"Nope. I don't give a damn how hard you work. But hey, you give me a couple bucks, I'll give you an A."

"What?"

"Oh yeah, daddy. Money moves things. Twenty bucks, you get that A!"

I'll get the PS4, but I'll never forget what you've decided to do, video games. I gave you a lot of my life, AND money for that matter. What you are doing, is not cool. Tampering with games to make more money is hilarious, yes, but disgusting as well. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh 

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