Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Tag: Moving to Canada

Moving To Canada!

There are a lot of Americans saying they will move to Canada if Doctor Trump becomes Doctor of the Free World. A lot of Americans are going to get up, FINALLY get their passport, drive to Canada and lay claim. This is great news. Canada has been waiting for this day!

'You want to come over here SOLELY because you don't like who's running things? Well hell yeah! Come on in and grab a seat!'

Before Americans do move to Canada (which I believe will NEVER happen. Not even one American) there are a few things they should know about Canada if they REALLY do want to move there. 

1. You Can't Just DO That

Canada, much like America, is a country. Canada, much like America, is a country that has rules and regulations and such. You cannot simply get to the border and go 'I'm American, which means I'll stay here as long as I want.' Nope. Not how it works. You have to fill out forms. You have to pay money. You have to have a reason that you are immigrating to another country. And how long are you going to live there? For four years until the owner of Chipotle or whatever runs for President and beats the owner of Golf Courses? Canada isn't a couch.

'Is it cool if I crash here until my landlord leaves the building?'

'Yeah, sure. Couple weeks?'

'Was thinking four years.'

'.... Step into my office, sir.' 

2. We Use Kilometres And It's Better

When I was young and I heard the song 'I can't drive 55', I thought '55 isn't even fast!' I like the song, but what the hell? Was Sammy Hagar going through a school zone? Was he on a road with speed bumps? Pick it up, Sammy! Found out later it was 55 miles an hour, which IS fast, but doesn't SOUND fast. In Canada kilometres are used, not miles. On a highway, you can drive 110 km an hour. Now, what sounds like you're going faster? 110 or 55? 110! That is the answer! Every time! Get used to REALLY GOING FAST. And not buying gallons of gas, buying litres. This will be one of the many greats reasons to be in Canada. No you can't buy a handgun to stash in your glove box incase their are people listening to loud music at the gas station, but you can DRIVE 110 ON A HIGHWAY. I mean, COME ON. 

3. Fahrenheit is toast. Get ready for Celsius. 

ZERO MEANS FREEZING! ZERO! IN WHAT REALM DOES IT MAKES SENSE TO HAVE 32 BE FREEZING?! STOP THE MADNESS! And we have. Canada stopped the madness years ago. And if Americans DO move to Canada (which is not going to happen), they can stop the madness as well. 

4. It's 'Moose' no matter how many there are

Moose's, Moosey's, Moose-i-. NONE of those make sense. If you see one more, or a hundred moose, it's moose. That's it. And you WILL see moose. Everywhere. In your backyard, in the trees in the park, in the library, on the highway, in cars beside you on the highway. Moose are EVERYWHERE.

5. Canadian News Isn't Scary

If you are leaving America for Canada, be prepared for the news to get a little different. America's news is constantly 'Look out for this! Look out for that! Your food is bad! Terrorists are everywhere! Don't travel! Don't stay in your city! Don't drink your water! Don't drink other people's water! Don't look people in the eye! Don't avoid eye contact with crazy people because they take it as a sign of aggression!' Canadian news is a little bit different. You might see a top story about hockey nets on city streets, or another replay of Bautista's bat flip. There could also be some stories about some real crime, but it but it won't be run on a loop with four people continuously talking about this crime means the end of the country and world as we know it. 

6. Canada Also Speaks English

I know a lot of Americans think it's just a french party in  Canada. They think when they get there they are going to have to bring 'that english language with 'em' but we have it. English has been in Canada since it began. We also have some french speaking places, and fun fact, if you speak to ANYONE in French in Canada, they have to hand you ten dollars. So learn some of that language you hate and start a new career!

7. Not Every Single Thing In Canada Is About Race

And NO, THAT IS NOT BECAUSE CANADA DOES NOT HAVE BLACK PEOPLE.

'Ahahha, very funny. There are black people in Canada. Yeah right.'

THERE ARE BLACK PEOPLE IN CANADA.

'... Really? Okay. So how does every conversation not turn into a conversation about race then?'

IT JUST DOESN'T. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT RACE. 

'Okay.... So if someone at a restaurant asks my white friend if he wants the bbq chicken special, and he says no, I can't say something like 'You don't like chicken huh? Racist.' Or if he's black and he turns down the chicken special, I can't do 'WOA, a black man turning down chicken?! That's gotta be a first!'

... PLEASE STOP. THESE JOKES ARE STUPID. YOUR FRIEND JUST DOESN'T WANT THE BBQ CHICKEN SPECIAL. PLEASE STOP THIS. 

'.... I don't think I want to move to Canada.'

I DON'T THINK YOU DO EITHER.

Moving to Canada.

This week, America made it legal in all fifty states for gay people to get married. Which is amazing, and really cool to see America act like a full country instead of just having pockets of places where gay marriage is legal. But SOME people are angry about it. 'This can not happen!' they say. Not in their country. And they are pissed. SO pissed that they said they would do the unthinkable. One of the worst things that ANY American could ever think of doing. They, are going to move to Canada. 

'Honey, it's happening! Hell is freezing over. We're moving to a place that froze over thousands of years ago. Pack your dog sled. We're going to the North Pole. Canada.'

First of all, really stupid idea. You want to move out of America because they made gay marriage legal? Canada did that ten years ago. Also, the ONLY time you'll think of moving to Canada is when your country goes against god? The only time you'll think about moving to a great country that you know nothing about is when yours insults jesus?

Second, you can't just MOVE to Canada. It's a real country with rules and such. Can people just move to America? No. There is a process. Just because Canada has the idea of being a nice place, doesn't mean you can just show up like it's your buddies couch. 

'Hey, friend. I thought I'd just crash here for a couple of years. That's cool, right? There's troubles in my own home. I won't sign the lease or do any paper work or anything. I'll just crash on your couch. And hey, please keep it down. I have needs to.'

You can't just MOVE to another country. You can't even order something online without filling out some papers. You think you can just show up in a different place? Not a reality. Also, what are you going to tell the border? 

'Business or pleasure, sir?'

'Pissed! That's what! God damn livid!'

'Been there. Go right on, sir. Stay livid, eh?'

I would love to know what these American's who are never going to move to Canada would say at the border when moving to the country that they are NEVER going to move to. Not even if their President is one day an alien who grows fifty feet tall and starts eating children, they'll NEVER make that drive north. It'll never happen, but here are a couple thoughts of what they might say at the border. 

'Why am I COMING here?! Because I'm angry at America and believe we all need guns! You don't want me in your country? Well suck my bag! But not in a gay way. That's what I'm mad about.'

'Look, I'm an AMERICAN. A -M -e... the other letters. You're a dumb little country. I'm going to bring some culture to this mother. You're lucky to have me,... EH. Now step the hell back!'

'My country is letting faggots get married. I swear to g.... You guys do that too? You stupid faggots.... Do you guys have a Chik Fil A? Oh for CHRIST. And I was gonna move here? How do I make a U-ey you queer?'

'Look, I don't know where I'm going here. I know Toronto and Montreal, and I know they touch each other, but other than that? Haven't figured it out. Any place not covered in ice right now?'

'Have you ever heard of a little man named Bruce Springsteen? Well, he's OURS. If you own an album, I should be allowed in your country.'

'We helped you in WW2. Like, what the hell? No, that's not true. We didn't work together to fight Germany. You guys were being given wedgies by England, and we went over there and started cracking heads! You owe me! My grand father PERSONALLY saved a MILLION Canadians in WW1, and now you're going to disrespect me like this?'

'Listen you ignorant syrup sucker, my grand pappy would suck your un-american dick just to prove a point. If he was alive today he'd say, 'Son, run this stupid border guard over.' I didn't get type two diabetes from white powdered donuts and never walking to be talked to like this by a g d CANADIAN. When I find this seat belt buckle I'm gonna beat your ASS. Jail? Sure. I'M going to go to jail. A CANADIAN jail? What's that? A hollowed out tree? I swear to EVERY holy that you people can just su.... ahhhhhhhhhhh! (man tased through his F-150 truck window.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

 

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