Port People And Automation

There is currently a Port Strike (like to capitalize it like it’s a guys name. ‘Port Strike! You’re up next in the Street Fighter Tournament!’) along the Eastern seaboard. Maine to Texas. Port workers, dock workers, the guy Rocky was supposed to beat up at his job in the first movie and Cinderella Man (another dock reference) are all on strike. They are on strike for the most part, to fight automation.

‘Well how are they gonna do that? You can’t fight progress you dip chewing dock hog! Get those pants off that ship! I want to look cool for Thanksgiving!’

Whether or not they can fight progress and get a raise on on their apparently $39 an hour jobs is up to time to tell, but the thought of people going on strike to fight machines will happen across all sectors. Happened earlier with the movie and writing industry and it will keep going. ONE DAY some cashiers standing around listening to the AWFUL shrieking of a machine doing their job will go ‘Wait a minute! I could just be DOING that! Not OVERSEEING that! I’m out of here!… wait, no, raise first! Oh, machines already here… okay then I want!… you’re right I’ll get back to overseeing…’

This is why unions would try to fight this now, before automation becomes a rampant thing. Before a long shoreman goes to make a job to a guy he’s working with and it turns out to be a machine.

‘You hear the one about the Priest and the Rabbi walking into The Bunny Ranch?’

‘THIS PARTICULAR AMUSEMENT HAS NOT BEEN PROGRAMMED INTO MY DATABASE…’

‘Okay so a Priest and a Rabbi walk into The Bu…’

‘PUT SEVEN MORE CONTAINERS ON MY BACK I DON’T SLEEP EAT OR COLLECT MONEY…’

There are people out there who get mad at people in unions, or workers in general, going on strike for more money. They do not care whether or not workers get more money, they want their pants! Damn it Thanksgiving is COMING UP and if some pudgy Port pig better get their leg coverings!

‘Just automate the whole thing! A robot isn’t going to not get me my pants. Damn does ANYONE care about these pants?! From JAPAN?! I don’t care if Satan himself gets them off the ship I want ‘em!’

People have said this about the fast food industry as well. CEO’s from major companies have said that if minimum wage goes up, they’ll replace everyone with a robot. Some people go ‘good!’ as if their own industry won’t be affected. As if a robot or AI or Terminator can’t do advertising, or law, or play baseball or work at Denny’s. Even people IN TECH who make the robots that take other people’s job will ONE DAY have their own jobs taken over by their creations.

‘Wait a minute I made robots to do other peoples jobs not MY job! What in the hell is this? I said take over the dickless dock workers NOT super cool and awesome engineer guys with vests! THIS IS A TECHNOLOGICAL TRAVESTY… can I keep the vest? It charges my phone when I rotate in a… SIGH I’ll leave it at the ping pong tables…’

Seemingly the only people who would benefit from full automation are companies. Not humans. A

‘But wait! If they don’t have to pay workers anymore then the prices of things can go down!’

So many products we have now get made outside of North America because companies can pay people in other countries much less than they would have to pay people here. Are iPhones cheaper? Costs about $500 to make an iPhone. That’s not close to what it costs to buy. The manufacturing of a Jordan costs MAYBE $20. Does Nike sell them for $22? Even $30? Get that sweet sweet $10 profit? No. When workers are fully out of the way everywhere, prices for things will not drop drastically because companies are used to the money they are making. They don’t want to make LESS. They want to PAY OUT less.

‘… Okay sure cool cool but can I PLEASE just get my PANTS off of this stupid ship!?’

Yeah man calm down happy early Thanksgiving…

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Can Childless Cat Ladies Care About Society?

There is a sect of people who believe that if you do not have kids you cannot care about the future. You cannot care about society because you don’t have a ‘stake’ in it. That not having kids means if there was complete anarchy, everything turned to flames and vipers roamed the streets biting grand mothers, what would you care? It’s not like you have kids! Having kids means you’d pulled that snake off of that lady. Not having kids means you’d sit back, popcorn in hand, watching an elderly be devoured.

‘Get her, snake! Then get me! I don’t care what happens!’

There is a sect of people also saying that they wouldn’t want their kids taught by someone who doesn’t have kids of their own. What does this mean? Should planes only be flown by pilots who OWN a plane? Trains driven by people who have their own personal railway?

‘Hey, before I get on this Greyhound bus, do you own it?’

‘Do I own it?… Buddy… it’s a Greyhound Bus. Nobody on here owns anything. Get in or get off I don’t care both of my feet are dead.’

We all know there’s a LOT of people with kids who shouldn’t be in control of anything, right? John Wayne Gacy had kids. Was he better equipped to teach a psych class over someone who doesn’t? Diddy has kids. Should he decide what curriculum goes into sex-ed over someone who currently doesn’t have children of their own?

‘Do you have kids?’

‘I don’t. No criminal record either.’

‘Ugh. I don’t want my kid going to your daycare. What about you?’

‘Nine kids, seven DUI’s and a gun charge.’

‘Great! Nine kids? Perfect. Here’s another. I’ll be back at four. Or five. You got it.’

People without kids can care about the future and society because they live in society and still like a good future. So even though they themselves might not have kids, how people decide to raise/educate/teach/school/reprimand or whatever kids, the ones that are out there, determines whether or not it’s safe to go to a grocery store. Determines whether or not you’ll be eaten by someone who doesn’t have the capacity to wait for you to pick out some bananas. The kids that are rocking teachers in the eyes with iPads because they’re told to stop making reaction videos in class, could one day be rocking us all in the eyes.

‘Hey, are you waiting in line?’

*Swings grocery basket their holding at your head

‘Gahghghg!’

I’m not against kids. Not at all. I don’t have any but I don’t dislike them. I might have one one day. I saw a kid in the airport in a terminal waving at everyone that passed him.

‘Hi’

Just one of the cutest things out there. I can care about the future and society for me and this little guy. I don’t NEED a kid to understand that I don’t want THIS one living in a world of fire roads and vipers eating grandfathers. UNLESS he grows up to instead of wave at people, bash them in the head with a Nintendo DS. Then all bets are off, buddy. I’ll open the cage door of a rattlesnake myself…

Comedian Nathan Macintosh… is a comedian. Comedy specials ‘Money Never Wakes’ and ‘Down With Tech’ on Youtube

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4 Reasons To Eat A Cat

This week there was a now debunked story of migrants going to Springfield, OH, skipping every state and cat between the border and Springfield to get to this small town and it’s perfect, succulent, Ozempic taking Ohioan cats. Not one tabby between Texas and Ohio would do.

‘What about this cat?’

‘What’s wrong with you?! I didn’t jump a border to eat a NEVADA cat! Look at it! Stringy, strung out, looks like Elivis at the end of his life except thin and sun cooked. We march on!’

So people are NOT swimming to shore from Haiti, then walking all the way to Ohio to eat a cat. Or worse, getting a nine connection Spirit flight from Port-Au-Prince to a place that I’m guessing doesn’t have its own airport. You’re going to have to go Haiti to Montego Bay, Montego Bay to Miami, Miami to Minneapolis, BIG layover, then get to Cleveland and bus? Hike? Walk? Sprint to Springfield? Either way, just because this is NOT happening, it doesn’t mean that we SHOULDN’T be eating cats. Here are four reasons you should think about that calico for dinner.

1. THEIR ALOOFNESS

   Look cat, your entire life is taken care of in here. You have toys you don’t use, a scratching post you’ve pissed on, and treats you purr for then instantly go back to being in the shower, on top of the fridge, or back in bed directly after using your litter box you piece of sh…. you could be a little nicer. You have no bills. You’re asked to do nothing around here and you always have food and water. The LEAST you could do is PRETEND to be a bit more appreciative about this. If I had a roommate who contributed nothing AND slept for 16 hours a day while showing no love and hiding for days? I’d think about eating them too.

2. THEIR SMELL

   So you’re telling me, cat, that not only are you going to do whatever you want around here and attack people sometimes because you feel like it, you’re ALSO going to smell? Like that? Your breath? Your open air toilet box in the house? Your food? The lack of decency you show. A chicken has never pissed in a box then pretended to cover it up with gravel in somebodies house. Cows aren’t avoiding all contact with you because THEY’RE in a mood. We’re eating them, but NOT this disgusting trash heap that makes everyone’s house it lives in have that distinct, ‘dear god’, ‘what in the good god’ smell? Ya getting eaten, pal.

3. ANCIENT EGYPT REVERED THEM

   Here’s all I’ll say here. We STILL don’t REALLY know how the pyramids got here, but the people that made them or saw them be made or whatever thought that cats were the top of the top. Cats were looked at as holy creatures. Ancient Egyptians looked at cats as vessels that gods would inhabit. Now maybe I’m nuts, but people go to church and eat Jesus. Full BODY OF CHRIST to the mouth. Take a swig of the mans blood. Lot of people look at him as god, so we’re gonna eat a carpenter but not a cat? Jesus could have even supervised the making of the pyramids had he been there. What would a cat do? Sun itself on one of the big boulders and swipe at your when you tried to get it to move? No dice, cat. You’re boiled.

4. THEY HAVE NINE LIVES

   This one should scare us all. Which other animal out there has nine lives? The Predator? Zenomorph from Alien? Michael Myers? Jason Vorhees? Do you want any of these creatures/murderers as pets? Vorhees for sure is the only one that would stink up your house the way a cat does. Buddy lives IN a lake. Trenchfoot galore on this back from the dead mamas boy. But ANYTHING that lives more than once should be eaten. It’s too creepy to have them just roaming around. Also maybe if you eat it, you’ll get another life. Like a mushroom in Mario. A cats nine lives give you one life. So look out ‘Mrs. Mittens’, you smelly, terrible attitude having alley dweller who can fall off a building eight times and still make their high school reunion, you’re getting baked.

   Nathan Macintosh (me) is a comedian with two stand up specials on youtube, ‘Money Never Wakes’ and ‘Down With Tech’ and has upcoming shows as well as other things below

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