THOUGHTS ON JOKER 2 FROM A MAN THAT’S NOT SEEING IT
I will not see Joker 2. I will not see it while wearing blue. I will not see it while it rains or on the train. Joker 2 will not be something I do... I’m only talking like this because if Joker 2 is a musical, I’m assuming Joker 3: Le Troisième (the third one) will be three and a half hours of rhyming. I will not see that one either, but here are some reasons I’m not seeing this one.
Un (french for one), I saw the trailer. I didn’t like it. People say you can’t judge a movie by its trailer. Yes you can. That’s the whole point of it.
‘That’s only two minutes! You have to give the movie a chance!’
I did. That two minutes was the what the studio thought was the best representation of what the movie was.
‘Hey, I just met your friend and they said something racist.’
‘Yeah but come on. You’ve only talked to her for two minutes. You have to get to know her. Talk to her on a Tuesday for two and a half hours and I’m SURE you’ll come around.’
Two. Dumb reasons (I mean they all are) why call it Joker 2: Folie a Deux when you could have just called it Joker: Folie a Deux? We all know it’s the second one. There’s nobody out there that wouldn’t be able to grasp that. It’s been five years and has the extra name.
‘Hey! They released the Joker but with a different name.’
‘No that’s the second Joker movie.’
‘What? No. They didn’t call it Joker 2. How the hell can it be the second one without 2 in the title?’
‘Is Batman Returns the second Batman?’
‘…Is that what that movie is called? I’ve been calling it Batman 2: Returns for years.’
Three, speaking of Batman, can we get some Batman? Is there anyway that The Joker can interact with his arch nemesis the BATman? First Joker, okay. We’re finding out about how he became Joker. Great. Like it. Second movie, court proceedings from things he did in first movie…. okay… so… like where is Batman? Third one? Fourth one? Or are there three more movies in this franchise before the mans enemy shows up? Joker 3, he’s out of Arkham and setting up an apartment. Dating is hard for him and he can’t figure out his morning routine. Joker 4: Ikea, where Arthur builds a bed by himself while Harley Quinn calls him a little bitch beta boy from the kitchen.
‘I thought you were the leader of Gothams underworld, JOKER, not just a shrivelled dicked, eighty seven pound mamas boy who can’t keep a job!’
‘I can’t build this with you screaming at me!’
*Harley throws a fork in the sink and storms into the bedroom
‘Well I can’t get wet for a man who laughs when he’s nervous, alright?! I JUST CAN’T!’
*Arthur laughs and hands her his card
‘I’ve seen the goddamn card! I’VE SEEN IT!’
The Joker and Batman go together. Fox News can’t work without CNN. Rachel Maddow can’t work without Tucker Carlson. Not forever, anyway. A Batman movie with no enemies would suck too. Balancing his finances and polishing his cars. Having another Russian supermodel stop responding to his texts after calling him ‘shallow’ or just reading books about bats and their sonar ears.
‘Alfred, did you know that a vampire bat isn’t ACTUALLY a vamp…’
‘Master Wayne, your parents hired me, so I am obliged for some reason to live in this incredibly dark house and dust it daily even after they’re gone but, and forgive me, I can NOT hear another thing about bat droppings or their tiny teeth. This is the fifth movie in this franchise, Master Wayne. Your enemies can’t be power bills and Amazon deliveries.’
‘… The power bill is pretty high, though… maybe the power company can be my ene…’
‘Come off it, Master Wayne! Put on a cape and hit the streets for god sake I dust everything!’
Four, at this point, The Joker, The Joker one: UnFolie A No, is not great. The first Joker was great at the time because at the time there was NOTHING but Marvel movies. Nothing. You’d leave a Marvel movie and be forced to walk right into another one. Just joke after joke while planets blow apart. Nothing being taken seriously and seventy six of these things produced a day. The Joker was a welcome break from seeing Captain America AGAIN or Iron Man AGAIN or a character nobody but people who have been chained to a pipe in the basement of a comic book store know about AGAIN, but The Joker is two better movies jammed together. Taxi Driver and King Of Comedy. King Of Comedy is fantastic. You can just watch it. And King Of Comedy 2: Croissant, would have sucked. Rupert Pupkin is released from jail and tours the midwest until he’s sixty? Awful. Taxi Driver 2: How’s My Driving? Where Travis Bickle has to come to terms with a new world where taxis have basically eliminated cabs?
‘You talking to me? Are you talking to me?’
‘… No.. I’m waiting for my Uber…’
This is it. These are some thoughts. Joker 2 won’t be seen by me. Not in London or Albany. I will not sit through it mid day, or glue my eyes to it when it is streamays. Joker 2, what can we do, if the next one of his is him shovelling water for three hours, I will also not watch The Batman 2.