Five Ways To Make Cyber Monday More Fair

Holy hell! Cyber Monday is here. Are you ready to get online and buy things with your credit card while wearing a robe and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch? 

'Wait, I don't eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I'm trying to be healthy. I'm trying to ea...'

Shut up, nerd! Are you ready or not?

'...Yes, I'm ready.'

Good! Then grab your card, grab your bag, your focus and get to work! You've been waiting for this day. You avoided Black Friday so that you could not be punched in the face over that dish set you want. Why get stabbed for some forks when you can sit at home half naked and get them sent to your door? 

'That's what I'm saying! I can sit at home, wearing my Homer Simpson slippers and just kick back, press ord...'

Shut up, nerd! Cyber Monday is coming! The thing is - Black Friday used to be the only day. It used to be the ONE day that gave you deals. You wanted those deals? You had to lace up the gloves and punch your way into that store. Now? Cyber Monday. 

Now, is it fair that some people (people who don't have credit cards, don't have access to the internet, don't care that people will take video of them being animals, don't understand that you DON'T have to throw yourself into a pile of people for cheap headphones) have to throw themselves into a pile of people for cheap headphones and various other deals? No. No, it is not. It is NOT fair that someone who only deals in cash and whose credit score is in the toilet has to fight a mom jacked on Red Bull for swim trunks. 

Cyber Monday is the same as Black Friday except that it's participated in by people who have no heart. No drive. No 'get up and smash someone.' It's like playing a UFC video game and calling yourself a fighter. Cyber Monday has the same deals as Black Friday, but are gotten in completely different ways. You want these deals, but don't want put your body on the line? Fine, but there are a few ways that we can make Cyber Monday deals a bit more fair.

When The Package You Ordered On Cyber Monday Is Dropped Off, Fight The Delivery Man

If you had been a human with the heart of a lion, you would have went into that store three days ago and bit someone's face to get that toaster. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday and waited for it with no blood on your hands. Well, not anymore. When the delivery man shows up, you have to fight him for it. He's been up all night, drinking coffee, doing push ups. He's angry. He's shirtless. You want that toaster with the bagel toasting option? Time to earn it. 

Cutting Your Face With A Watch As You Order A Product

If you had been a human with the heart of a Sasquatch, you would have gone to that store on Black Friday and kicked a mother in the shin for that cheap bicycle pump. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday, when you knew there was no chance of being hurt. Well, not anymore. If you HAD gone to the store to get that sweet, sweet bicycle pump, chances are you would have had to dive on the floor to hold onto the cord as a man dragged it away. He would have swiped back to knock you off, and cut your face with his watch. You would have let one hand go, only to look up and see this monster tackled by another creature who needed to get through him. Now you are the bicycle pump owner. So as you order it from the comfort of your house, slash your face with a Swatch for the ultimate experience. You want that pump? Time to earn it. 

Ask Your Partner To Kick You In The Head

If you were a human with the heart of a cuttlefish, you would have blasted into that store on Black Friday and fought your way to that Playstation 4. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday and waited for it to be delivered to you in the comfort of your Hanes Undershorts. Well, not anymore. As you press 'Order' on that PS4, have your husband or wife kick you in the side of the head. There's a HUGE chance that had you gone in on Friday, a man with a short temper and long legs would have hit you in the temple with a spin kick from a size twelve Sketcher for the entertainment system. Is it fair that you don't have to go through that? No. You want that video game box? Have your partner gorilla kick you in the head while you order. Time to earn it.

Jam Yourselves Between A Set Of Doors

If you were a human being with the heart of the girl from The Ring, you would have flash kicked your way into that store on Black Friday for that FitBit. But you didn't. You played it safe and waited until Cyber Monday and ordered it without the screams of people being beaten within an inch of their life around you. Well, not anymore. If you had run into a store with thousands of deranged maniacs, you would have been squeezed between a set of doors, screaming, 'I just want to know how many steps I'm taking!' As you press 'Place Order' while wearing thong sandals in your living room on Cyber Monday, smash yourself in a door. Jam yourself between a door and door frame while screaming, 'I'm saving a couple of bucks!' You really want to know how many steps you're taking a day? Time to earn it.

Smash The Windows Out Of Your Car

If you were a human being with the heart of a winged beast, you would have Batman swung your way into a store on Black Friday for those Dockers. But you didn't. You ordered it on Cyber Monday, where no one will be chasing your vehicle out of the parking lot because you got the last pair. Is that fair? No. As you're pressing 'I'll Buy This Damn Thing Now,' you should be out in your driveway, smashing your windshield with your forearm. Bashing your forearm into your windshield, while screaming, 'I need those Dockers you piece of garbage!' the way some man with three kids he barely wanted would have done if you had the balls to go out on Black Friday. You want those Dockers? Time to earn them. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Video Game Glitches.

I have played video games since I was a kid. A very little kid. I remember getting a Nintendo Entertainment System (just like saying the whole thing) when I was five. I LOVED playing Mario Bros. As a kid I'd move the controller to jump with Mario. My brother and I would leave the system paused for HOURS when our mom would say that we had to go out. Just. HOURS. Come back, SOMEtimes the game would still be working, other times the screen would just be blinking. Other times it would be frozen.

'Come on, Mario, you stupid piece of garbage! How did you freeze!? This is 1990! Get it together!'

Video games of the past had glitches for sure. Some walls weren't really there. You could jump off a cliff, not die and just be stuck in a pit. I remember once in WWF Raw for Super Nintendo Entertainment System (just keeping that up), I beat the HELL out of Yokozuna. He didn't get up. Just DIED in the corner. Match couldn't end. 

"My GAWD, Kang! Yokozuna is DEAD. Somebody stop the damn match!"

"We can't! The game didn't prepare for this! He will have to restart the system!"

".... My. GAWD. We'll have to restart Yoko's heart! Somebody, PLEASE, REstart the damn SYSTEM!"

Video games now are all on-line, which means that you are always connected to the company. In the past when you bought a game, that was it. It was yours. They could not tamper with it anymore. Now, they can add things to games whenever. You wake up, turn a game on, and those red dragons are now green, there's a bigger sword available, or the game. HAS A. GLIIIITTTCH. 

'Woa! This game worked yesterday. Now, the pitchers can't throw fastballs. That is quite interesting.'

If a company wants, they can alter the game in bad ways. And I'm positive they do. I still have a PS3. Yes, I know some people hear that and want to puke.

'But, *burp*, that thing, *agh*, came out in, *belch*, 2006! OH MY GOD. I can't. Where's your bathroo.... *throws up everywhere*'

I'd like to remind people that the PS3 still works. You can still use it. It's not at the bottom of a pyramid that needs a map to get to.

'The PS3 pyramid? That's been under sand for thousands of years now. The only way in, is to find the talisman and point it directly at the heart of a lion.'

'Where do we find the talisman?'

'Last I heard, it was inside a lion that ate the man who pointed it at it's heart. That lion died. Now? Who. Knows.'

The PS4 is out now, yes. Has been. I'm at some point going to get it. But the video game industry would like to that to happen sooner. I think this, because I swear as time goes on, the industry adds glitches to it's older games so that you move on. In NHL14 right now, (yes, again, I KNOW how old it is. Try not to puke!) there are glitches. It happened with NHL13 and 12 as well. And I swear they do this, so that you will go, 'Ah man. This game SUCKS now. I have to get the new one.' It's weird. Instead of a game being made to stand alone, the way that games were previously, you are constantly being pushed to buy upgrades, new games, and not spend too much time with these older games.

'Move on, losers! We made this game for you to like and play for ONE year. Do you hear us? ONE. The NEW one is out. BUY IT. We have moved on from this one. Can't YOU?'

Years ago if companies wanted to disrupt game they had put out, they would have to come to your house and break it in half. Since we're always connected, not needed anymore. Imagine if car companies did that? New car comes out and Toyota just cuts the breaks on your Corolla.

'Alright, kids. We're heading to the zoo, buckle up an...... OH GOD! The gas pedal has jammed down! I know I should have gotten the 2016 version, this one's almost a year old!'

'Daddy! Are we going to be okay?!'

'No! We're losers who aren't keeping up! JE-SUS!'

The video game industry seemed at one point that it wanted to make good, challenging games. It made games for people who truly like video games. Now, it seems they are just trying to make money off of EVERY little thing. The industry used to make it possible for you to unlock things in the game. 

"If you beat this game on hard, we'll give you something. Why? Because man, it's going to be hard to do. Also, thanks for buying the game. We know you didn't have to. It, is... appreciated."

It is actually IMPOSSIBLE to unlock things in most games now. Physically, game-ysically impossible. Instead, you buy the unlock able content that you used to have to earn. BUY IT. What happens when you beat the game on hard? Not a damn thing. What happens if you beat a level or something under a certain time limit? You just did that thing. That's all, dirt bag. You want that character? You want that new thing? Crack that wallet, grease pig. Thanks for buying the game, and for continuing to buy anything else we want you to buy. Just disgusting. 

"Hey, if I work hard in this class, will I get an A?"

"Nope. I don't give a damn how hard you work. But hey, you give me a couple bucks, I'll give you an A."

"What?"

"Oh yeah, daddy. Money moves things. Twenty bucks, you get that A!"

I'll get the PS4, but I'll never forget what you've decided to do, video games. I gave you a lot of my life, AND money for that matter. What you are doing, is not cool. Tampering with games to make more money is hilarious, yes, but disgusting as well. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh 

Video game generation.

I have had a lot of video game systems since I was a kid. Atari, original Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Nintendo 64, Original Playstation, Playstation 2, and now the Playstation 3. Thinking now about getting the PS4. All started on the Atari. Atari! Holding sticks in my hand playing some game that was supposed to be set in space, but was a couple of dots shooting dots at other dots. Or a game where you are a soldier, and you control a dot that shoots dots at other soldier dots. I'm now an adult, and I'm supposed to not play video games. They take up time, people get addicted and play them until they can't blink. But, I'm not giving them up. I don't play them nearly as much as I have at points in my life, but I'm still playing them. I'm in the generation that video games were completely made for. These were made for me! It would almost be the same as people who were kids when the Wright Brothers invented the plane just refused to go on.

"Naw, I'm not doing it. I'm grown up, for god sake. I'll walk."

Since I've been playing them for so long, some of the best memories I have come from video games.  Anyone who played video games in the 90's got caught up for a long, long time with Goldeneye. Goldeneye is pretty much the Breaking Bad of video games. You HAD to play it. EVERYone was playing it. This was THE game. I could talk for awhile about all the times I played this game with a bunch of people, so much fun. But, I'll tell a stranger story. In junior high, in which class I can't remember, there was a guy who used to pick on me. Nothing crazy. He would just chirp me and make fun of  me for doing my work and junk. I was a really quiet kid, who did all of his work. BIG wiener in Junior High where everyone was talking about drugs and sex.

"Yeah, man. Smoked some weed this weekend and got a handjob."

"Oh, cool.... Did you finish your Social Studies project?"

"Get outta my face, cuz."

One day in class, this bully was telling someone that he couldn't get one of the cheat codes in Goldeneye. That it was impossible. To get the cheat codes in Goldeneye, you had to unlock them by beating levels under certain time limits on certain difficulties. This one, which I'm pretty sure gave you invisibility, was beating a level where you start with no gun, in under a minute and twenty seconds, on the hardest difficulty. 

"It's impossible, man. Impossible. No way anyone can do that."

Well, I had done that shit. Why? Video games don't beat me. So, I said that I beat it.

"No way. You didn't beat that."

"I did."

"Alright. Come to my house and beat it. And if you're lying? You're fucked."

This isn't what I was hoping for. I just had to tell these people I'd beat it. But now, I'm in a situation. Refuse to go to this guys house, maybe get hurt. GO to his house, don't beat it, maybe get hurt. So, I went. The whole way he's talking trash. Saying that I can't do it and he's gonna mess me up. Get there, and start playing. That cheat code isn't the easiest thing in the world to get, so it took a couple tries, with him sitting beside me. Chirping me.

"You better beat it, man. You better do it."

Then, I beat it.

"Yooooooo! You beat it! That's insane."

After that, me and that guy were friends for the next 6 years straight. 

One Christmas a couple of years ago, my brother brought a Nintendo Wii to our moms house. On it he had a few Super Nintendo games downloaded. One was Contra 3: The Alien Wars. We used to own this game when we were kids. It was pretty hard. For no reason at all, my brother said, 'I bet you can't beat it on hard.'  Like I said, video games don't beat me. So I said, let's do it. Put the game on hard. Man. Got killed a thousand times. But I sat in this room for about four- five hours playing this thing. Getting closer each time. My brother would come in and out, poking his head in.

"Did you beat it?"

"God dammit! Jesus! Get out!"

Took me forever to beat this thing. But finally did it. The last level of this game on hard is insane. The entire screen is just things being thrown at you. There's a big brain blob thing for a final boss that had all these different attacks. I beat it. Put the controller down. But on hard, this thing comes back. Picked the controller back up quick, and beat it again. Told my brother to come see. All that happens when you beat this game is a general comes on the screen, and gives you a thumbs up. That's it? I stopped aliens from taking over earth! You can't give me a house? Or a million dollars? Or say I don't have to pay tax anymore? Just a thumbs up. Wow. My Contra dude will be able to use that to buy groceries. 

Grand Theft Autos have always been amazing. The first one, at the time, was nuts. Steal cars and shoot stuff? Even though it was a kind of ugly, top down game, it was amazing. Myself and my brother at the time used to talk about how great it would be if there was a third person version. 

"Imagine if they made one of these like Mario 64? Like if Mario could get a gun and rob these toadstools of their cars?"

The first time I ever saw the Nintendo 64, I lost my mind. 3D Mario game? Are you insane? He can swim and punch? Craziest thing I'd seen up to then. Loved that system. Got it one year for Christmas, and played it all day. Then, a game called Turok: Dinosaur Hunter came out. This game you were a Native American dude named Turok, who had ridiculous guns and shot dinosaurs. Serious. I don't know what the hell this was about, but it was great. Rented this game, and played it forever. Like, stopped going to school that week forever. Grade 7 I think it was. A friend of mine used to come to my house every morning, and we'd walk to school together. This whole week, he'd come by, and I'd say I wasn't coming. One day he came, it was snowing and freezing outside.

"Come on, man. Come to school. You're missing a ton of stuff."

I looked at him, wearing a scarf and boots, behind him just blowing snow and freezing cold. I turned around, looked at my warm room and Turok holding some kind of ray gun, and just slowly closed the door in his face. I loved that game. 

When I was in grade four/ five, my brother was in grade two/three, every Friday, when our mom would come pick us up from school, she would take us to Blockbuster to rent a game for the weekend. Those trips were great. Me and my brother looking at games, trying to find stuff that was either two players, or something that we could go back and forth on. Most times we agreed on stuff, but I always liked racing games. He hated them. 

"Let's get this."

"It's a racing game. That's so stupid. Same thing over and over."

"You guys better pick something quick! I'm renting The Fugitive and want to get home to watch Melrose Place!" 

"One sec!"

We argued sometimes, but mostly me and my brother would agree. Get a game and play it for the weekend. Or sometimes, rent a game, and just hate it. Play it for about an hour, then come out to the living room where our mom would be watching Melrose Place or whatever else the 90's had.

"What are you guys doing? You're not playing that game?"

"It's terrible. We can't."

"I paid money for the game! Go play it right now before I take the system!"

When our mom would spend money on a game, we had to play it. Sometimes, this SUCKED, but still, video games are great, and I won't stop playing them. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh