Bill Gates And The Vaccine... A Theory

There are a lot of people who think that Bill Gates, the man behind Microsoft and the Xbox, created a vaccine with a microchip in it to make people autistic. Either they themselves OR their children. Why? Maybe Bill himself is autistic and wants everyone to be? Maybe Bill just wants to see if he can do it? Who knows. But there are MANY PEOPLE who believe that Bill Gates and the vaccine are up to no good. Could it be though that Bill Gates just wants to be inside of us in some way? Could it be that Bill Gates already MADE people autistic? Let’s discuss…

Bill Gates HAS PROVEN before that he wants to be in people (well, people's homes). First off, Microsoft. Mr. Gates wanted computer software IN YOUR HOUSE. He wasn’t happy with people going to the library to use a computer, he wanted it in YOUR PRIVATE RESIDENCE. On every street. In every neighbourhood.

‘This is GREAT. They are surfing the net with my software. They’d never invite me in because of my khakis, odd hair and full-on software talk, but I’M IN.’

This was the FIRST TIME that BILL GATES got inside of us. People accepted Microsoft into their homes and Bill Gates, for the time being, got his fill of being in people.

‘I did it! I actually got into people’s houses! Now if they just KEEP THEIR HANDS on my keyboards which quells my ego, we will be fine.’

However, not only were people surfing, people were also playing. People would TAKE TIME AWAY from aggressively slow, unbelievably annoying surf speeds to play VIDEO GAMES. So fast, so fun, video games were basically the opposite of having the internet screech at you then take HOURS to see anything. This INFURIATED the Gates.

‘Hey! Why are these people taking time away from surfing! I have an ego!’

‘Well, sir, there are many other things going on. People have kids. People have jobs. People ha...’

‘I want answers! My glasses are fogging up! What could POSSIBLY be better than turning on a machine that makes a noise like a gate of hell opening then spending HOURS to get anything done on it?!’

‘We… well… video games, sir. Yes video games! They are fun and challenging and have controllers…’

‘Fun?! Video games?! I don’t know what any of that means but I know this… I want people to PLAY them with me. If they PLAY with MY CONTROLLER, I will FULLY own them’

‘…Was I supposed to hear that last pa…’

‘Here’s some RAM. Keep your mouth shut.’

So BILL Gates, the ‘Microsoft wants you to play with his controller guy’, made the Xbox. The Xbox, arguably the ugliest video game system ever made. People may say ‘What about the Atari 2600? Surely THAT looked worse than the original Xbox. I mean it was the 70s for Christ Sake!’

The Atari 2600 not only looked like a CB Radio (which is badass), there were basically NO examples of what a video game system could or should look like. The Xbox, however, had MANY examples of what a video game system should/could look like, and the Xbox said no. The Xbox decided they didn’t care WHAT other systems looked like. They were made by a man who called his company MICRO SOFT. Two words you’d NEVER want said about your package. So Xbox went hog ‘10-4 good buddy’ wild.

‘Look, I’m thinking that it should look ridiculous. And BIG’

‘Really? Do you think that’s a good idea?’

‘YES. And each controller should be as big as the Super Nintendo itself. I’m talking HUGE.’

‘…Okay Mr. Gates, we can do that, but why?’

‘Don’t ask questions you ape! I know where you surf! Make it. And JET black. Witch's hair black. And put grills on it. And a big X on the top. Like you found where treasure's buried! Again, and I can’t stress this enough, HUGE. Kids could be killed if it falls on them. You wouldn’t want in your house at all. It will fight your TV to gain dominance over other appliances. It will slap your dad and call him a bitch! I’m talking BIG!’

‘…Are you okay, sir?’

‘…I’ll be fine.’

‘Mom I need this system! It’s SO COOL! Unless you look at it AT ALL or take a GLANCE at the guy who made it! SO COOL!’

So the Xbox was made. A machine, with MANY MICROCHIPS in it (Were they listening? Were they watching?) However, the Xbox was on pace to sell ZERO units. It was just too big and there was NOTHING cool about it. It was made by MICROSOFT, which was made by local dork BILL GATES, a man who mostly wears baby blue sweaters over plaid dress shirts and for sure says things like ‘Ketchup is spicy.’ It was HIDEOUS. An absolute monstrosity. It should have been hunted. It should have been set free in the woods and targeted by people with rifles.

‘I think I hear something…’

Beep boop beep boop.

‘Oh god! There it is! Aim for big green X!’

Beep boop BANG BANG.

‘It got me! It’s choking me with one of its cables! Ahhhhhh!’

So how could Mr. Gates get people to buy this grotesque piece of equipment? Bill himself doesn’t play video games. You can’t take his word for it. He says things like, ‘AH these pretzels are burning my tongue.’ Then Bill had an idea… autism. Not that HE had it, but that it could be used to sell this trash heap he called the Xbox. But HOW could Bill Gates make the public at large mostly autistic and get them to believe this system, with ONE GAME WORTH PLAYING, was worth the money and the constant bashing from friends who owned PlayStation or Nintendo? Bill then remembered one of his many travels around the world stuffing Microsoft stickers and cords into people’s pockets. The witch doctor…

Mr. Gates had gone to a remote part of the world because he NEEDED everyone to have a piece of him in their house. Whether their house was a hut, a tree, or a pair of shoes, they NEEDED Microsoft. Once, while wandering a jungle looking for another person to pawn Microsoft onto, Bill Gates came across a witch doctor. The witch doctor needed Microsoft like he needed another shrunken head, but also knew an opportunity when he saw one. He’d accept Microsoft into his tiki hut, if MR. GATES would take this back to civilization… a green ring that caused autism. Bill Gates, an ego maniac who wants to be in EVERYONES HOUSE, left a motherboard for the witch doctor, and took the green ring back with him.

Remembering this, Bill Gates ordered EVERY XBOX to be fitted with a GREEN RING, that would lull the public into an autistic trance and make them purchase the most disgusting appliance/console/death machine they’d ever purchase. AND IT WORKED. MILLIONS of this piece of garbage were sold, brought into peoples homes and ran CONSTANTLY, that green ring flashing at whoever was in the room.

‘I’ve done it! I’m now not only the thing people surf on, but for hours and hours a day they put my controller in their hand! Sure I’ve changed them mentally but I’ve gotten what I wanted!’

People couldn’t get enough of the system whose controller was the size of a spare tire. People couldn’t stop playing THE ONLY GAME worth playing on a machine the size of a trunk. They bought hats, shirts, and even underwear with the green ring on it. They were HOOKED… and Bill found himself unhappy. He knew deep down the Xbox was a sham. What had he done? He’d made millions of hard-working people believe that the XBOX was WORTH OWNING when CLEARLY, CLEARLY it was a heap of shit.

‘Look at what I did… I turned people into drooling idiots who actually believe that this system is a thing. And for what? So a witch doctor would take some Microsoft. He didn’t even have electricity! Dear god. I can’t turn back the brains I’ve melted but ONE DAY… I will make it up to them.’

From then on, Bill Gates tried. He created some kind of thing to turn pure sewage into clean drinking water. He’s started foundations and has donated millions to world hunger. And then, the big one… Covid. This was Bill's chance to REALLY help people that he’s destroyed with a horrific system and gross controllers. So Bill Gates is trying once again to apologize to the public with a vaccine for corona, due to all the autism and death he caused with the ‘why did people buy this?’ & ‘seriously, what were you thinking?’ Xbox.

Bill Gates isn’t trying to give you autism through a corona vaccine. He’s trying to rewrite history for the devastation he’s already caused with a troll ugly piece of equipment that had ONE GAME, that should NEVER have been bought by anyone who was here before 1995. Wait… 1995… Windows ‘95? Coincidence? Discuss?

Video Game Glitches.

I have played video games since I was a kid. A very little kid. I remember getting a Nintendo Entertainment System (just like saying the whole thing) when I was five. I LOVED playing Mario Bros. As a kid I'd move the controller to jump with Mario. My brother and I would leave the system paused for HOURS when our mom would say that we had to go out. Just. HOURS. Come back, SOMEtimes the game would still be working, other times the screen would just be blinking. Other times it would be frozen.

'Come on, Mario, you stupid piece of garbage! How did you freeze!? This is 1990! Get it together!'

Video games of the past had glitches for sure. Some walls weren't really there. You could jump off a cliff, not die and just be stuck in a pit. I remember once in WWF Raw for Super Nintendo Entertainment System (just keeping that up), I beat the HELL out of Yokozuna. He didn't get up. Just DIED in the corner. Match couldn't end. 

"My GAWD, Kang! Yokozuna is DEAD. Somebody stop the damn match!"

"We can't! The game didn't prepare for this! He will have to restart the system!"

".... My. GAWD. We'll have to restart Yoko's heart! Somebody, PLEASE, REstart the damn SYSTEM!"

Video games now are all on-line, which means that you are always connected to the company. In the past when you bought a game, that was it. It was yours. They could not tamper with it anymore. Now, they can add things to games whenever. You wake up, turn a game on, and those red dragons are now green, there's a bigger sword available, or the game. HAS A. GLIIIITTTCH. 

'Woa! This game worked yesterday. Now, the pitchers can't throw fastballs. That is quite interesting.'

If a company wants, they can alter the game in bad ways. And I'm positive they do. I still have a PS3. Yes, I know some people hear that and want to puke.

'But, *burp*, that thing, *agh*, came out in, *belch*, 2006! OH MY GOD. I can't. Where's your bathroo.... *throws up everywhere*'

I'd like to remind people that the PS3 still works. You can still use it. It's not at the bottom of a pyramid that needs a map to get to.

'The PS3 pyramid? That's been under sand for thousands of years now. The only way in, is to find the talisman and point it directly at the heart of a lion.'

'Where do we find the talisman?'

'Last I heard, it was inside a lion that ate the man who pointed it at it's heart. That lion died. Now? Who. Knows.'

The PS4 is out now, yes. Has been. I'm at some point going to get it. But the video game industry would like to that to happen sooner. I think this, because I swear as time goes on, the industry adds glitches to it's older games so that you move on. In NHL14 right now, (yes, again, I KNOW how old it is. Try not to puke!) there are glitches. It happened with NHL13 and 12 as well. And I swear they do this, so that you will go, 'Ah man. This game SUCKS now. I have to get the new one.' It's weird. Instead of a game being made to stand alone, the way that games were previously, you are constantly being pushed to buy upgrades, new games, and not spend too much time with these older games.

'Move on, losers! We made this game for you to like and play for ONE year. Do you hear us? ONE. The NEW one is out. BUY IT. We have moved on from this one. Can't YOU?'

Years ago if companies wanted to disrupt game they had put out, they would have to come to your house and break it in half. Since we're always connected, not needed anymore. Imagine if car companies did that? New car comes out and Toyota just cuts the breaks on your Corolla.

'Alright, kids. We're heading to the zoo, buckle up an...... OH GOD! The gas pedal has jammed down! I know I should have gotten the 2016 version, this one's almost a year old!'

'Daddy! Are we going to be okay?!'

'No! We're losers who aren't keeping up! JE-SUS!'

The video game industry seemed at one point that it wanted to make good, challenging games. It made games for people who truly like video games. Now, it seems they are just trying to make money off of EVERY little thing. The industry used to make it possible for you to unlock things in the game. 

"If you beat this game on hard, we'll give you something. Why? Because man, it's going to be hard to do. Also, thanks for buying the game. We know you didn't have to. It, is... appreciated."

It is actually IMPOSSIBLE to unlock things in most games now. Physically, game-ysically impossible. Instead, you buy the unlock able content that you used to have to earn. BUY IT. What happens when you beat the game on hard? Not a damn thing. What happens if you beat a level or something under a certain time limit? You just did that thing. That's all, dirt bag. You want that character? You want that new thing? Crack that wallet, grease pig. Thanks for buying the game, and for continuing to buy anything else we want you to buy. Just disgusting. 

"Hey, if I work hard in this class, will I get an A?"

"Nope. I don't give a damn how hard you work. But hey, you give me a couple bucks, I'll give you an A."

"What?"

"Oh yeah, daddy. Money moves things. Twenty bucks, you get that A!"

I'll get the PS4, but I'll never forget what you've decided to do, video games. I gave you a lot of my life, AND money for that matter. What you are doing, is not cool. Tampering with games to make more money is hilarious, yes, but disgusting as well. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh