Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Having a baby in America.

Having a baby costs money. Understood. In America, it comes with another expense. I'm not talking about clothes, food, or a brand new iPad with Dre Beats, I'm talking about HAVING the baby. Having a baby delivered, having a baby come out of your body, costs you thousands of dollars. Just to have nature take place, just for life to take it's course, you pay. You have to save up money to literally have someone catch the kid that flies out of you. 

"Push! Push! I can see the head!"

"Ahhhhh!"

"Almost here! Push! And know that this will cost you money! A lot of money!"

"Ahhhh! What? No! I don't get paid until Friday! Push the baby back in! Push it back! I'll pick up extra shifts!"

"We can't push the baby back in! That is not a thin....It's a boy! And that's thousands of dollars."

Paying to have your baby happens. Strange, but even more strange, the price is different across the country. There is not one standard baby price. It's not a pair of Adidas. Each state just sort of decides what they will charge to deliver a baby. 

"Alright, so our last order of business. How much will we charge people to have babies? I heard in NY it's four thousand."

"Those Yankees are charging what? If they're charging four, we'll charge eight! The south will rise the prices again!"

Apparently the most expensive state to have a kid is Indiana. There has to be people moving out for that reason. 

“Uhaul, huh? You moving?”

“Yeah. I'm pregnant. Cheaper to uproot than have this kid here. I'm going to Michigan. Heard it's nice this time of term.”

Kids are going to be expensive no matter what. When you have kids, college funds have to be started pretty early on, but before you even HAVE the kid, you have to start a 'kid soon to be here' fund'. If one has to be used for the other, that's a weird conversation to have one day.

“Mom! Why is their no money for me to go to school?'

“Well, there was, but I had to spend that money on having you.”

“What the hell did you have me for if I can't even go to school and better myself?”

“Do you want college money and not exist?! I made a game time decision! Now go keep being alive. I paid for it!”

And yes, I know that you could have coverage that will cover some of these costs, and that if you don't, they are not going to keep your kid or not let you leave before you pay your bill, but you will get a bill. If you can't pay that right away, that just goes into the pile with the rest. 

“Man, how am I going to pay these bills? Cable, car payment, oh yeah! Having a son! MAN that one is high. Hmmmm, I'll pay cable. What, is the hospital going to come back and take my kid? Good. Maybe THEY can get him to eat these damn peas. I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares."

That thing that some parents used say, 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out.' That's not completely accurate.

'I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out! Well, technically, that lone from Citibank helped bring you into this world, but if you keep messing around I'll tell them to raise the interest rates on your credit card and we'll get you out of here!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh.com

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