Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates:

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Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Filtering by Tag: Money

Hard To Become Rich

Anyone who plays the lottery while working a sixty hour work week knows that it is hard to become rich. HARD. You don't get to keep all of your money, you don't even get to SEE all of the money. You see how much has been taken from you every two weeks, and you probably won't get that money back. 

Very rich people are rich. The rest of us believe we can get there if we just work hard enough. If we pound ourselves in the face for hours of hard work, we too can buy a tiger to throw off a cliff or whatever rich people do for fun. This doesn't seem to be true.

For one, if you are working a job, there is only so much you are allowed to work. Legally. If you are paid a certain amount for a forty hour a week job, and you say, 'Hey, I'll never get rich on this amount. I need to work more.' The company, legally, can not have you do that. Sure, you can work SOME overtime hours, but you can't just ask for the ol' 75 hour a week work shift to propel yourself to tiger throwing status. You LEGALLY, are not allowed to work enough to get to that point.

Another great thing is, if you work a job that DOES allow you to start shopping for Bengals, the government taxes you at such a high rate that there's no WAY you can pay for that tiger to be thrown off a cliff. You make a lot of money, and you think 'Great! I can FINALLY put a big cat in a sling and shoot it into the Grand Canyon!, and the government says, 'Hold on their, cat thrower. WE throw cats around you. YOU keep working and believing you'll one day be here too.' So you start making a lot of money, believing that you'll be one of those people, and the government taxes you an insane amount, making sure you NEVER get up to where they are.

The only people who TRULY have the money to toss a jungle cat into a hole, are some of the families who invented colours, the rail road, oil, Wal - Mart, that type of thing. They were able to make these insane amounts of money years and years ago, and with that money, make the rules on money. We're able to make it so there are a million loop holes for their millions. If they donate ten million a year or whatever to some said organization, like the 'International Cat Hurlers Union', or CHU, they will be GIVEN THAT MONEY BACK at the end of the year. It comes back to them. 

ALSO, because they have so much money, they can keep some here, BUT SEND THE REST TO A COUNTRY WITH DIFFERENT TAX LAWS AND NOT PAY TAX ON IT. So instead of grossing ten billion and netting six, they'll just gross the whole ten. There are a TON of cats you can buy with ten billion dollars. Pretty much all of them. You can PRETTY much buy every single cat in the jungle. Every cat from every home. You can round them al up in a big sack, pay the worlds strongest man to swing that sack around his head, and then throw it into a pit of death. 

You CAN buy stocks. You CAN invest. Sure. You can buy stocks that will go up and down, and this is really the way that most rich people become rich. Investing. You control how much money you put where. But what you CAN’T CONTROL, is what those stocks will do.

‘Yesterday my stocks were up! What the hell happened!’

Many things! Weather. Company selling. A President SAYING SOMETHING can affect the price of things. And NOW where are you? You are NOT, and I repeat NOT throwing Panthers into a Gucci bag and tossing them from a G5 I’ll tell you that. Now you’re stocks crash and what are you doing? You are living in an alley with a tabby that will NOT FORGET that you wanted to buy it’s bigger cousins and suck them through a window. It’s a strange, strange life, and it is hard to become rich in it.


Having a baby in America.

Having a baby costs money. Understood. In America, it comes with another expense. I'm not talking about clothes, food, or a brand new iPad with Dre Beats, I'm talking about HAVING the baby. Having a baby delivered, having a baby come out of your body, costs you thousands of dollars. Just to have nature take place, just for life to take it's course, you pay. You have to save up money to literally have someone catch the kid that flies out of you. 

"Push! Push! I can see the head!"


"Almost here! Push! And know that this will cost you money! A lot of money!"

"Ahhhh! What? No! I don't get paid until Friday! Push the baby back in! Push it back! I'll pick up extra shifts!"

"We can't push the baby back in! That is not a thin....It's a boy! And that's thousands of dollars."

Paying to have your baby happens. Strange, but even more strange, the price is different across the country. There is not one standard baby price. It's not a pair of Adidas. Each state just sort of decides what they will charge to deliver a baby. 

"Alright, so our last order of business. How much will we charge people to have babies? I heard in NY it's four thousand."

"Those Yankees are charging what? If they're charging four, we'll charge eight! The south will rise the prices again!"

Apparently the most expensive state to have a kid is Indiana. There has to be people moving out for that reason. 

“Uhaul, huh? You moving?”

“Yeah. I'm pregnant. Cheaper to uproot than have this kid here. I'm going to Michigan. Heard it's nice this time of term.”

Kids are going to be expensive no matter what. When you have kids, college funds have to be started pretty early on, but before you even HAVE the kid, you have to start a 'kid soon to be here' fund'. If one has to be used for the other, that's a weird conversation to have one day.

“Mom! Why is their no money for me to go to school?'

“Well, there was, but I had to spend that money on having you.”

“What the hell did you have me for if I can't even go to school and better myself?”

“Do you want college money and not exist?! I made a game time decision! Now go keep being alive. I paid for it!”

And yes, I know that you could have coverage that will cover some of these costs, and that if you don't, they are not going to keep your kid or not let you leave before you pay your bill, but you will get a bill. If you can't pay that right away, that just goes into the pile with the rest. 

“Man, how am I going to pay these bills? Cable, car payment, oh yeah! Having a son! MAN that one is high. Hmmmm, I'll pay cable. What, is the hospital going to come back and take my kid? Good. Maybe THEY can get him to eat these damn peas. I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares."

That thing that some parents used say, 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out.' That's not completely accurate.

'I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out! Well, technically, that lone from Citibank helped bring you into this world, but if you keep messing around I'll tell them to raise the interest rates on your credit card and we'll get you out of here!'