Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Tag: Children

'Mamava' - Breast Feeding In Peace

There are a lot of frustrating things happening in the airport. Kids crying. Boarding passes being checked thousands of times. Some psycho late for a flight who STILL needs to buy a danish from Auntie M’s then argue with the gate agent when the gate has been locked with crumbs in their mouth ‘but it’s right there! The plane is RIGHT THERE!’ But this is the FIRST TIME, I saw this.

A trailer for mothers that allows for ‘breastfeeding and pumping in peace’. This mobile home that was brought inside is for mothers, to BREAST FEED in peace. This tool shed found in backyards hidden in by sad dads who ‘tinker with nuts and bolts’ while they’re actually ‘thinking about their entire life and the wrong turns they’ve made’, has been brought INSIDE so that moms can PEACEFULLY feed their babies.

Now of course, there would be a lot of mothers who love this, and that’s fine. Own space. Privacy. Makes sense. Some of that would come from mothers not WANTING to have to sit in a chair openly because SOMEONE might glare at them like like they’re microwaving a bowl of cereal. But some would be excited about this, because there are some complete criminals who have a problem with how babies feed. Oddly repressed psychos who instead of dealing with their own feelings have to make a face or a comment because ‘ugh! A tit! And a baby attached to it! Not in my town, buddy!’ So this milking RV would make them comfortable. There have been many articles and think pieces over the years about women breast feeding in public.

‘Should It Be Done?’

‘Is It Gross?’

‘Why Can’t I Also, If Hungry, Ask This Mother If I Can Suck On The Left One?’

Many people think it’s insane that a woman would breast feed in public. So this bungalow for breasts seems to be trying to hide the fact that babies eat. But, if people can argue that feeding a baby in public is somehow wrong or gross or shouldn’t be done, how are there PLENTY OF OTHER THINGS that people should ONLY be doing in the comfort of a rolling family room that are never talked about? There are MANY other things people do very publicly that should be done incredibly privately.

EATING AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH - Egg and MAYO?! Together again for the never should have happened to begin with? Eggs shouldn’t be eaten in public. If someone had a tablespoon of mayo and was just sucking on it we’d all want them locked up. Why is THIS not a caged option? Why is there not a ‘EggAva’ Caravan where you can ‘Eat This Disgusting Lunch Option In Peace’? If babies only ate egg salad that came from tits, there sure as hell would be.

nose_picking_kid.jpg

PEOPLE PICKING THEIR NOSE - THIS HAPPENS WAY TOO MUCH. People, in PUBLIC, with their entire hand in their head. Their ENTIRE HAND is in their face as if they are trying to push the button on their brain that would shut off the need to PICK THEIR NOSE IN PUBLIC. Is THIS not disgusting? Why is there no ‘PickYourNoseAva’ covered gazebo where you can ‘Dig Into Your Skull In Peace’? WHY NOT?! Breast feeding needs to be hidden but this doesn’t? How are people less upset about THIS?! EVERYONE tells their kids not to pick their nose. Anyone tell their kids not to eat?

ARGUING WITH YOUR SPOUSE - Happens daily. People bringing their trash into the street.

‘You were supposed to NOT cheat on me!’

‘Today? You didn’t say today!’

‘It’s everyday!’

‘Okay well NOW I KNOW! FINE. Starting now, I WON’T cheat on you on Tuesdays…’

‘No EVERY DAY! Not just every Tuesday!’

Some how THIS is better than a baby having lunch. SOME magic way it’s more wrong for some to see a woman feeding a baby with her chest but it’s COMPLETELY okay for two people who shouldn’t be together screaming at each other.

‘Man that couple is REALLY going at it. She just called him an asshole and through her phone at him!’

‘At least her boobs aren’t out giving milk to a child! Now let’s go tell these people to speak American!’

Get them a ‘YellAtYourSoonToBeExAva’ closed UFC cage type thing that they can climb into and go at it.

To the mothers that are happy about this thing, great! Happy for you. To the weirdos that are happy about it because ‘I don’t want to see that’, nobody wants to see you wearing sunglasses on the back of your head with boot cut jeans and running shoes tied too tight either. But here we are.

Having a baby in America.

Having a baby costs money. Understood. In America, it comes with another expense. I'm not talking about clothes, food, or a brand new iPad with Dre Beats, I'm talking about HAVING the baby. Having a baby delivered, having a baby come out of your body, costs you thousands of dollars. Just to have nature take place, just for life to take it's course, you pay. You have to save up money to literally have someone catch the kid that flies out of you. 

"Push! Push! I can see the head!"

"Ahhhhh!"

"Almost here! Push! And know that this will cost you money! A lot of money!"

"Ahhhh! What? No! I don't get paid until Friday! Push the baby back in! Push it back! I'll pick up extra shifts!"

"We can't push the baby back in! That is not a thin....It's a boy! And that's thousands of dollars."

Paying to have your baby happens. Strange, but even more strange, the price is different across the country. There is not one standard baby price. It's not a pair of Adidas. Each state just sort of decides what they will charge to deliver a baby. 

"Alright, so our last order of business. How much will we charge people to have babies? I heard in NY it's four thousand."

"Those Yankees are charging what? If they're charging four, we'll charge eight! The south will rise the prices again!"

Apparently the most expensive state to have a kid is Indiana. There has to be people moving out for that reason. 

“Uhaul, huh? You moving?”

“Yeah. I'm pregnant. Cheaper to uproot than have this kid here. I'm going to Michigan. Heard it's nice this time of term.”

Kids are going to be expensive no matter what. When you have kids, college funds have to be started pretty early on, but before you even HAVE the kid, you have to start a 'kid soon to be here' fund'. If one has to be used for the other, that's a weird conversation to have one day.

“Mom! Why is their no money for me to go to school?'

“Well, there was, but I had to spend that money on having you.”

“What the hell did you have me for if I can't even go to school and better myself?”

“Do you want college money and not exist?! I made a game time decision! Now go keep being alive. I paid for it!”

And yes, I know that you could have coverage that will cover some of these costs, and that if you don't, they are not going to keep your kid or not let you leave before you pay your bill, but you will get a bill. If you can't pay that right away, that just goes into the pile with the rest. 

“Man, how am I going to pay these bills? Cable, car payment, oh yeah! Having a son! MAN that one is high. Hmmmm, I'll pay cable. What, is the hospital going to come back and take my kid? Good. Maybe THEY can get him to eat these damn peas. I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares."

That thing that some parents used say, 'I brought you into this world, I can take you out.' That's not completely accurate.

'I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out! Well, technically, that lone from Citibank helped bring you into this world, but if you keep messing around I'll tell them to raise the interest rates on your credit card and we'll get you out of here!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh.com

Things I'll still do when I'm a millionaire.

Millionaires really start living like people in weird bubbles pretty early on. Once you become a millionaire, seems to be some things you just stop doing that regular humans keep on keeping on with. When I become a millionaire, here's a list of things I'm still gonna do with my goddamn ass.

1. Walk my own dogs 

Yep. When I become a millionaire, I'm gonna walk the dog or dogs that I have myself.

'What? Why?! How the hell could you put your hands that have all that money on a leash? Or, even worse, a leash attached to a ...dog.'

I truly don't understand having a dog and not walking it. That's one of the things that you do with a dog. That's one of the things that is done with this animal when you own one. They need walks. They get walks. They like going outside and smelling stuff. They like smelling that strange dogs butt. It's a big part of the lives of these domesticated pets. So, you're going to get one of these creatures, and NOT do with them one of the major things that they involve? Why don't you just have a TV that you hire people to come over and watch?

"I just bought this sweet ass, seventy five hundred inch TV! You know why? Because I'm a goddamn badass millionaire. I'm a millionaire, son! Now, where's the number of that service where I pay a struggling actor forty bucks to sit in front of this thing for an hour? Oh yeah, I'll just lean out my window and yell, because I'm a badass millionaire!"

If when I'm a millionaire I'm too busy for dogs, and everyone in my house is as well, there will be no dogs. But if I have a dog, I'll walk that mother. I will see my dog smell that butt. 

2. Raise my own kids  

Now, jesus christ. This one shouldn't even be a thought. You have kids. These kids need to be raised. So, you.. raise... them. YOU do. The person who made them. The piece of machinery that brought this damn kid into the world. YOU, stupid. YOU take this kid out. YOU feed this kid. You don't call a woman whose trying to stay in the country you live in and get her to come over and raise the damn thing. If you're gonna do this, she should be there for the conception.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, just like that. Yeah, I'm about to, I'm aboouuuttt toooo... wait. Divina, are you going to be able to nanny for us from Monday to Friday, 8- 8? And hell, on Saturdays too?"

"... Yes. I can do that."

"Oh, boy. That's great! Because I'm about to put a FULL baby into my wife here. Oh, jesus, I'm gonna come! Ahh, ahhhh, AHHHHHH I'm never gonna be here to see this kid! ... Ah, ah god. Divina, you're really saving my life here. I can just come and come into this thing I married, and YOU deal with what this thing makes with that come! Ah, man. What a life.... Drinks, anyone?"

When I'm a millionaire, I'll raise my own kids. If I can't, and my wife is not able to as well, and the only option is to hire someone completely unrelated to this situation to raise them, I'm not going to have them. 

3. Drive my own cars 

This is another one of those things. You become a millionaire. You can afford any car you want. You pick it out. Then, you hire another human to drive you around in it. What... the fuck. What is the message here? That driving a car is for commoners? Being seen behind the wheel of a beautiful automobile is for peasants? You can't drive you're own Rolls? It's gorgeous! Get behind the wheel! Put your head out the window! Toss watches out of the sun roof! Been seen! Why get a driver for such nice cars? You should have drivers for terrible ones.

"Okay, I'm looking for a driver."

"No problem. We can help you with that. What kind of car? Rolls Royce? Maybach?"

"What? Jesus no! I drive a 97' Corolla. I'm gonna be getting a new car soon. But god, I can't be seen in this thing anymore. I'm trying to get laid, you know? People point and laugh when I'm at the light. I need someone to drive me to work, and I'm going to lay in the back seat under an old blanket. Cool?"

If I'm too busy to drive the gorgeous, half million dollar car that I buy, and everyone in my house is too busy too as well, I won't buy the car. I'll get another fountain.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

 

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