Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Authentic Talent Management:

New York Office
Tel: (718) 422-0200

James Cristiano: james@authenticm.com

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Metal Robo MIT Cheetah.

MIT is creating animals. Robo animals. Robotic cheetahs and junk that can run, and jump, and woa! Run and jump. Look out, everyone! This is a strange, creepy, scary, and in my opinion, horrifying. Just to ask the question, why are we doing this? What is the point of making robo animals? For.... what? The reason that is being said? A robotics competition. That is why. A bunch of evil villains are competing against one another for the creepiest, scariest, 'be the death of us all' creations. 

"Welcome everyone to the 'Super Villain Control The Earth Robotics Competition' brought to you by Coca Cola. Coca Cola, 'What every doesn't kill you, will one day kill you.' Let's meet our first competitor. Doctor 'Screw Humanity'. Long black trench coat, bald head and googles. VERY menacing. And what do you have for use?"

"Well, (laughs to himself), I've created a wasp with the power of a nuclear bomb. When it stings you, BOOOOOM! An entire city will go up in smoke! Do you want to see it in action? I'm DYING to try th...."

"No, no. That's okay. We believe you."

We are making robo cheetahs. Guaranteed, there are a bunch of people who worked on these things that have never seen the real animal. 

"Cheee...taaaahh. Let me google it. Hmm, look at that. A Youtube video of one of them. Runs fast. Oh yeah, I can robo that. Time... to... robo that."

Shouldn't there be some things we do with the real cheetahs before we start making robo cheetahs? Have we mastered cheetahs to the point of making robotic ones? I don't think so. There should be a few things we do with the real cheetahs before we make robotic ones. 

1. Get the real Cheetahs to come up to the glass at the zoo.

ANYtime I've been to a zoo, the cheetah exhibit is basically empty. The cheetahs are no where near you. They are far away, chilling in the shade of a tree. 

"And here are the cheetahs. See that bump up on there on that hill? Yep. That's them. Chilling in the shade, being the big cats that they are."

"Hey, can you get them to come closer?"

"No. Nope, we can't do that. Good news, though! A bunch of maniacs are making metal ones that jump! Those ones will come right through your window one day. Just a matter of time."

"Oooooooooooooo...."

"Will those ones at least be awake? (hahah)"

"... Yes. Hey, buddy, I see what you're doing here. You're mocking me for these Cheetahs being asleep. I'm not Jesus, okay? I just tend to the grounds. Big cat gets tired? Big cat lays down. Do YOU get up and greet everyone that comes up to your lawn? Please. Drop the sarcasm, alright?"

2. Ride a cheetah. 

If we are going to be making robo versions of animals, we should have completely dominated the real ones. The people that made the robo ones should have had to go to the Serengeti and saddle one. 

"Well, let me tell you. This will be the most dangerous thing we've ever done. We are going to break that cheetah over there, and ride it back to the airport. It's going to fight, claw, and fight. It's also very strong, is the fastest land animal, AND is a cat, so it can twist and turn and basically has a crazy straw for a spine. It has big teeth."

"But, once we ride it, we can make a metal one, right?"

"Oh yeah, Dennis. Oh yeah."

"Wooooo! Let's do it!"

"Sweet! You got your spurs? And like, a sleeping dart to shoot at it or something?"

"... No. I thought we were doing this like men?"

"Ah CHRIST."

People talk about when robots take over. Robots aren't just going to 'take over'. People talk about it as if robots are making themselves. That some screws and a motherboard are just picking themselves and putting themselves together.

"Dude, there's a bunch of electronics in your garage that are piecing themselves."

"Yeah. Some robot is trying to build itself out of old parts. I locked the door. Hopefully it's not a door opening robot."

 We are creating robots to takeover. Just stop putting them together! But people can't because for some damn reason it's so cool to see a piece of metal move. Who cares? What in the hell are we doing this for? Robots aren't just going to 'take over', some idiot is going to make a take over robot and be surprised when it takes over. 

"Hey, what are you making?"

"This? This is a human killing robot. It's programmed to kill humans."

"Is that safe?"

"Oh yeah. It won't kill humans unless you tell it to. UNLESS, it decides to kill me. Which, haha, I don't know why it would. I mean, I made it! How cold could this damn thing be?"

"HUMAN KILLING COMMENCING...."

"Oh no. Why is it talking like a robot? I programmed it to Bill Clinton. Damn bugs."

"It's going to kill us!"

"Having a robot talk like a robot is not going to kill us. Yes, I agree, the Bill Clinton voice would have been much better, but I think you're being a little dramatic."

"HUMAN KILLING. HUMAN KILLING."

"Ahhhhhh!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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