Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

'Oh, we've met.'

A couple times in my life I've been called out by people who have said I've met them when I introduced myself. Most times it was small, other times completely my mistake. I've started just not saying 'nice to meet you at all', just incase I have met this human before. Last night I'm walking with a friend, and he sees a girl that he knows. They talk for a second, then he introduces me to her.

"Hey, Nathan. Nice to meet you."

"... We've met."

"Oh. Sorry. When did we meet?"

"Not long ago. I remember your face. We met like a year ago at a....."

Once I heard 'a year', I was done. There are times when I will accept that I messed up. That I have met this person and I'm being a dick. But this wasn't one of them.

"A year? That's not long ago? A full year?"

"I don't know... A year is..."

"A year!"

I just wasn't going to be called out on 'meeting' someone at a mic a year ago as me being a horrible person who only thinks about themselves. A year. Not a short amount of time. Did I spend any time talking to this person a year ago? I bet not at all. Might, maybe, been a quick hello. If that! I'm not sure why people feel they can become a hero in this situation. If I met someone, than a year later they said 'nice to meet you', I wouldn't get all politeness warrior.

"Oh, we've MET. You don't remember? I was sitting at a table of twenty. You were one of the twenty. I asked you for the salt. You said, 'here you go.' GOD. We've MET."

This person who tried to call me out didn't even remember my name either. Just that she remembered my face. Well then hey, we didn't really meet! There should only be a few times you can say to someone, 'oh, we've met.'

1. You've slept with a person.

If someone looks at you and says, 'Nice to meet you', but you know FOR SURE that you have penetrated or been penetrated by this person, THEN you can hit them with the 'oh, we've met.' 

"Hey, nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"Really? I'm sorry. When?"

"When you asked me if I wanted a towel. Then you watched an episode of Cosmos on Netflix before telling me I couldn't stay at your place. THEN. WE. MET. THEN."

"Oh.. I... ah..."

"ARE A DICK!"

2. You worked/work at a job. 

If someone looks at you and says 'nice to meet you', but you know FOR SURE that they are your boss, you can pull the old 'oh, we've met.'

"Hey, nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"I'm sorry. When?"

"When you hired me... thirty years ago! I've been to your stupid christmas parties! I've hated your dumb kids from afar! Your wife sucks! WE'VE. MET."

"Ah... I'm... you're fired."

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

3. Your parents. 

If someone looks at your and says 'nice to meet you', but you're CERTAIN that you've come out of their body, HIT em with the ol' 'oh, we've met."

"Nice to meet you."

"OH, for CHRIST sake. We've MET!"

"I'm sorry, when did w...."

"When I came out of your balls! When I went into the woman you through me into, hit one of her eggs and became a human! When you watching me leave a vagina! When you dropped me off at school! When you hit me for changing the channel by accident! WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE. We. Have. MEEEETTTTTTTTT."

"Oh, man. I'm so...."

"A dick! You're so a DICK! If you don't think THIS is going to push me to drugs, you're dead wrong, BUD."

4. You've been to space with someone.

If someone says 'nice to meet you', but, like, you KNOOOOW that you orbited the Sun with them, I mean, COME ON. Drop that 'oh, we've met' right in their helmet!

"Nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"I'm sorry. When did this...."

"Look, Jerry. You know damn well we've met. We trained at NASA for MONTHS together. We handed each other diapers while floating in zero gravity looking down on earth. We both urinated straight up to the ceiling and laughed and laughed. We were the only ones up there! You told me you've cheated on your wife thousands of times! You told me your darkest fears! We thought we saw aliens but we were just tweaking on that California Cub Dust we snuck on board. We made sweet love when we didn't think we were making it back to earth!"

"Oh, I'm sor..."

"SO A DICK! A gentle, beautiful dick that I fell in love with in dark, lonely space. I loved you, Jerry! I space loved you, space Jerry!"

These are the times you can drop 'oh, we've met.' Other than that, change your tone. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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