The Tech Leaders Eyes Are Horrific

Friday The 13th. Nightmare On Elm Street. Halloween. None of these have anything on the eyes of the tech industry leaders. Freddy Krueger trying to kill teens in their dreams has NOTHING on the dark, dead, darty, twitchy eyes of the tech men who have much too much power in how we think. Jason Vorhees, talking to his dead mother and stomping through the Camp Crystal Lake muck to kill, yet again, teens, doesn’t come CLOSE to the fear generated by trying to make eye contact with these vibrating, viciously cold, violently distant eyes of the tech titans who float through the oceans on seventy seven million dollar yachts. Michael Myers? Please. Slowly crawling through Haddonfield with a bread knife to kill one specific person? Not even KIND of as frightening as the windows to the deceased souls of these circuit board loving mutants. Don’t believe me? Take a look.

MARK ZUCKERBERG’S EYES

If you had the choice of being chased by Freddy or these face globes, which are you choosing? Freddy was funny. Entertaining. Man told jokes before he killed you. These eyes don’t ease ANY pain before turning your Uncle into a comment pumpkin. These are the eyes of a man who loves it when your Aunt punches a keyboard in anger while fighting with someone she doesn’t know. The eyes of a guy who needs YOU to use his apps while telling his own kids not to. Freddy would inevitably stab you with his knife finger glove, but he will look you in the eyes when he does it.

ELON MUSK’S EYES

Do these seem like the eyes of a man who’s going to take us to mars? The eyes of a guy who truly cares about free speech on his 1/3 of porn titled app? Or do they seem like the eyes of a guy who would scare PinHead, who is a demon thing from another dimension who’s best friends are a guy without lips and other guy whose skin is being peeled off by hooks? These are the eyes of someone who will try to get you to believe the CyberTruck is cool and almost nothing is scarier than that.

‘Well, I mean, look at it. It looks like a truck that Robocop would drive, and, it can’t go in the rain but it’s ONLY 100k and I mean, it’s got CYBER in the title so you know it’s pre….’

‘AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! Please! I have a family!’

JEFF BEZO’S EYES

You’re driving an Aston Martin in the French Alps, James Bond style. You decide to ‘hit the jets’, (go a bit faster), and the car spins out of control. You careen to the edge, crashing through the barricade, you’re screaming, you’re in complete fear, and then you think about this mans eyes… and you REALLY get scared. Falling off this cliff into a fiery luxury car death is not NEARLY as terrifying as looking into the eyes of this complete ‘piss in a bottle or I’ll fire you’ psycho. Chucky himself would shudder at the thought of having to stare into these pools of hell.

SAM ALTMAN’S EYES

When you looked under your kid as a bed you THOUGHT it was for the Boogeyman. It was actually for this mans absolutely terrifying eye socket windows. THIS man, with the same amount of ability to connect to a human that an Anaconda has, with THESE EYES, is fully pushing OpenAI for the ‘betterment’ of humanity. There is NOBODY, nobody, with eyes like this that care about humanity. A tarantula isn’t worried about whether you can write that report faster. Not one scorpion is thinking about how much time you could save having a ghost robot do your thinking for you, and THIS MAN, with THESE Sub-Zero eyes? Also doesn’t.

And here, this tech leader (comedian) imitating the others. Check DOWN WITH TECH below

Metal Robo MIT Cheetah.

MIT is creating animals. Robo animals. Robotic cheetahs and junk that can run, and jump, and woa! Run and jump. Look out, everyone! This is a strange, creepy, scary, and in my opinion, horrifying. Just to ask the question, why are we doing this? What is the point of making robo animals? For.... what? The reason that is being said? A robotics competition. That is why. A bunch of evil villains are competing against one another for the creepiest, scariest, 'be the death of us all' creations. 

"Welcome everyone to the 'Super Villain Control The Earth Robotics Competition' brought to you by Coca Cola. Coca Cola, 'What every doesn't kill you, will one day kill you.' Let's meet our first competitor. Doctor 'Screw Humanity'. Long black trench coat, bald head and googles. VERY menacing. And what do you have for use?"

"Well, (laughs to himself), I've created a wasp with the power of a nuclear bomb. When it stings you, BOOOOOM! An entire city will go up in smoke! Do you want to see it in action? I'm DYING to try th...."

"No, no. That's okay. We believe you."

We are making robo cheetahs. Guaranteed, there are a bunch of people who worked on these things that have never seen the real animal. 

"Cheee...taaaahh. Let me google it. Hmm, look at that. A Youtube video of one of them. Runs fast. Oh yeah, I can robo that. Time... to... robo that."

Shouldn't there be some things we do with the real cheetahs before we start making robo cheetahs? Have we mastered cheetahs to the point of making robotic ones? I don't think so. There should be a few things we do with the real cheetahs before we make robotic ones. 

1. Get the real Cheetahs to come up to the glass at the zoo.

ANYtime I've been to a zoo, the cheetah exhibit is basically empty. The cheetahs are no where near you. They are far away, chilling in the shade of a tree. 

"And here are the cheetahs. See that bump up on there on that hill? Yep. That's them. Chilling in the shade, being the big cats that they are."

"Hey, can you get them to come closer?"

"No. Nope, we can't do that. Good news, though! A bunch of maniacs are making metal ones that jump! Those ones will come right through your window one day. Just a matter of time."

"Oooooooooooooo...."

"Will those ones at least be awake? (hahah)"

"... Yes. Hey, buddy, I see what you're doing here. You're mocking me for these Cheetahs being asleep. I'm not Jesus, okay? I just tend to the grounds. Big cat gets tired? Big cat lays down. Do YOU get up and greet everyone that comes up to your lawn? Please. Drop the sarcasm, alright?"

2. Ride a cheetah. 

If we are going to be making robo versions of animals, we should have completely dominated the real ones. The people that made the robo ones should have had to go to the Serengeti and saddle one. 

"Well, let me tell you. This will be the most dangerous thing we've ever done. We are going to break that cheetah over there, and ride it back to the airport. It's going to fight, claw, and fight. It's also very strong, is the fastest land animal, AND is a cat, so it can twist and turn and basically has a crazy straw for a spine. It has big teeth."

"But, once we ride it, we can make a metal one, right?"

"Oh yeah, Dennis. Oh yeah."

"Wooooo! Let's do it!"

"Sweet! You got your spurs? And like, a sleeping dart to shoot at it or something?"

"... No. I thought we were doing this like men?"

"Ah CHRIST."

People talk about when robots take over. Robots aren't just going to 'take over'. People talk about it as if robots are making themselves. That some screws and a motherboard are just picking themselves and putting themselves together.

"Dude, there's a bunch of electronics in your garage that are piecing themselves."

"Yeah. Some robot is trying to build itself out of old parts. I locked the door. Hopefully it's not a door opening robot."

 We are creating robots to takeover. Just stop putting them together! But people can't because for some damn reason it's so cool to see a piece of metal move. Who cares? What in the hell are we doing this for? Robots aren't just going to 'take over', some idiot is going to make a take over robot and be surprised when it takes over. 

"Hey, what are you making?"

"This? This is a human killing robot. It's programmed to kill humans."

"Is that safe?"

"Oh yeah. It won't kill humans unless you tell it to. UNLESS, it decides to kill me. Which, haha, I don't know why it would. I mean, I made it! How cold could this damn thing be?"

"HUMAN KILLING COMMENCING...."

"Oh no. Why is it talking like a robot? I programmed it to Bill Clinton. Damn bugs."

"It's going to kill us!"

"Having a robot talk like a robot is not going to kill us. Yes, I agree, the Bill Clinton voice would have been much better, but I think you're being a little dramatic."

"HUMAN KILLING. HUMAN KILLING."

"Ahhhhhh!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh