Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Tag: War

Metal Robo MIT Cheetah.

MIT is creating animals. Robo animals. Robotic cheetahs and junk that can run, and jump, and woa! Run and jump. Look out, everyone! This is a strange, creepy, scary, and in my opinion, horrifying. Just to ask the question, why are we doing this? What is the point of making robo animals? For.... what? The reason that is being said? A robotics competition. That is why. A bunch of evil villains are competing against one another for the creepiest, scariest, 'be the death of us all' creations. 

"Welcome everyone to the 'Super Villain Control The Earth Robotics Competition' brought to you by Coca Cola. Coca Cola, 'What every doesn't kill you, will one day kill you.' Let's meet our first competitor. Doctor 'Screw Humanity'. Long black trench coat, bald head and googles. VERY menacing. And what do you have for use?"

"Well, (laughs to himself), I've created a wasp with the power of a nuclear bomb. When it stings you, BOOOOOM! An entire city will go up in smoke! Do you want to see it in action? I'm DYING to try th...."

"No, no. That's okay. We believe you."

We are making robo cheetahs. Guaranteed, there are a bunch of people who worked on these things that have never seen the real animal. 

"Cheee...taaaahh. Let me google it. Hmm, look at that. A Youtube video of one of them. Runs fast. Oh yeah, I can robo that. Time... to... robo that."

Shouldn't there be some things we do with the real cheetahs before we start making robo cheetahs? Have we mastered cheetahs to the point of making robotic ones? I don't think so. There should be a few things we do with the real cheetahs before we make robotic ones. 

1. Get the real Cheetahs to come up to the glass at the zoo.

ANYtime I've been to a zoo, the cheetah exhibit is basically empty. The cheetahs are no where near you. They are far away, chilling in the shade of a tree. 

"And here are the cheetahs. See that bump up on there on that hill? Yep. That's them. Chilling in the shade, being the big cats that they are."

"Hey, can you get them to come closer?"

"No. Nope, we can't do that. Good news, though! A bunch of maniacs are making metal ones that jump! Those ones will come right through your window one day. Just a matter of time."

"Oooooooooooooo...."

"Will those ones at least be awake? (hahah)"

"... Yes. Hey, buddy, I see what you're doing here. You're mocking me for these Cheetahs being asleep. I'm not Jesus, okay? I just tend to the grounds. Big cat gets tired? Big cat lays down. Do YOU get up and greet everyone that comes up to your lawn? Please. Drop the sarcasm, alright?"

2. Ride a cheetah. 

If we are going to be making robo versions of animals, we should have completely dominated the real ones. The people that made the robo ones should have had to go to the Serengeti and saddle one. 

"Well, let me tell you. This will be the most dangerous thing we've ever done. We are going to break that cheetah over there, and ride it back to the airport. It's going to fight, claw, and fight. It's also very strong, is the fastest land animal, AND is a cat, so it can twist and turn and basically has a crazy straw for a spine. It has big teeth."

"But, once we ride it, we can make a metal one, right?"

"Oh yeah, Dennis. Oh yeah."

"Wooooo! Let's do it!"

"Sweet! You got your spurs? And like, a sleeping dart to shoot at it or something?"

"... No. I thought we were doing this like men?"

"Ah CHRIST."

People talk about when robots take over. Robots aren't just going to 'take over'. People talk about it as if robots are making themselves. That some screws and a motherboard are just picking themselves and putting themselves together.

"Dude, there's a bunch of electronics in your garage that are piecing themselves."

"Yeah. Some robot is trying to build itself out of old parts. I locked the door. Hopefully it's not a door opening robot."

 We are creating robots to takeover. Just stop putting them together! But people can't because for some damn reason it's so cool to see a piece of metal move. Who cares? What in the hell are we doing this for? Robots aren't just going to 'take over', some idiot is going to make a take over robot and be surprised when it takes over. 

"Hey, what are you making?"

"This? This is a human killing robot. It's programmed to kill humans."

"Is that safe?"

"Oh yeah. It won't kill humans unless you tell it to. UNLESS, it decides to kill me. Which, haha, I don't know why it would. I mean, I made it! How cold could this damn thing be?"

"HUMAN KILLING COMMENCING...."

"Oh no. Why is it talking like a robot? I programmed it to Bill Clinton. Damn bugs."

"It's going to kill us!"

"Having a robot talk like a robot is not going to kill us. Yes, I agree, the Bill Clinton voice would have been much better, but I think you're being a little dramatic."

"HUMAN KILLING. HUMAN KILLING."

"Ahhhhhh!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Veterans and War movies.

I am not a fan of war movies. In so many recent war movies just about all of them now have beautiful, built men to play the soldiers. No non models can be here. Really? EVERY soldier that goes to war has perfect hair and sweet abs? 

"I want to fight for our country!"

"With THOSE cheek bones? Please. We're trying to win this war with force, not by making the enemy puke from looking at disgusting faces. Here, we wouldn't even let you work in the kitchen. Now, put this bag over your head and get out!"

If they do have anyone in a war movie who doesn't look like they work out with the Rock, they play the wiener. The guy who wasn't a 'real' man outside of this, and joined the army to grab some backbone,

"Out there, I was pushed around by my boss at Staples. But now, I just threw a grenade through that hospital window. With these skinny little arms! I'm gonna smack Darryl right in his face when I get back. 'All the printers should have paper in them.' They're not even on, Darryl! They're floor models! See you in town months, dirtbag."

How the hell can everyone be built? Where is the time for all this working out? 

"Alright, we're in a tight situation here. The enemy is all around. We're going to be locked down here for a couple days until backup comes to get us."

"What? A couple days? What about the gym?"

"The gym?! Look, we're in real trouble here. Staying alive is the priority, not the gym."

"I don't care that we are surrounded by enemies. Today's tri's. I'm DOING my dips."

"You can't leave! You could get shot!"

"Well let them shoot me! But I'll tell you this, they are NOT shooting a hole in my work out routine. Tri's. Dips. TODAY!"

Movies about war tend to be all the same as well. Bunch of guys who get locked together in a foxhole or team or tank or battalion or whatever, get into a fight about the tank or foxhole or team leader or who is the strongest in this battalion or whatever, learn that they need each other in this team or tank or battalion or whatever, and by the end basically fall in love.

"You know, at first I hated you, Dallas. You were a real dick. But now, after we held that gun together, both pulled the trigger at the same time, and killed those nameless guards, well hell, I knew that you'd be at my wedding."

Another reason, is that reviews for war movies will always talk about these things as if it's even close to actual war. 

"In this movie, a gorgeous actor with abs is so believable. It's as if he actually went to war, what with his facial contortions and dirty hands. I really thought I was watching a guy go to war! This film is so gritty. It's grittier than war. War has never been this real. This movie about war makes WWII look like Beverly Hills Chihuahua."

It was a movie set! They put dirt on their hands! There was never a point in time when any of these actors were in danger. Never a time when anything was going to have them fearing for their lives. Also, how can an actor playing a soldier make more money than an actual soldier that went to an actual war? How! These are people who fought for a country for someone to have the chance to act in. The chance for others to work in, and they have to worry about finances? 

"I played a soldier in a movie."

"Well holy jesus! You're a hero! Here are millions of dollars, all the women,  and accolades. You're good!"

"I am a soldier. I fought for this country."

"People care a bit! Here's a couple bucks, keep paying your taxes, and if things go south, we go plenty of sidewalks for you to sleep on!"

A soldier who went to an actual war should never have to worry about money. That should be one of the things with coming back. Your rent is paid, you don't pay tax. Not half price off boneless wings at Applebees. The same Applebees that would give the actor who played a soldier this boneless wings for nothing. 

"No, please. It's on us. We're just so happy you came into our humble little building!"

"Excuse me, can I get some more water?"

"Ohhhhhh, look at this. A veteran needs some more water. Why don't you just calm down? I'm TALKING to a LEGEND at this TABLE so if you could PLEASE just wait a minute? God. Sorry about that, actor. As I was saying, it's on us."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

 

 

 

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