Moving to Canada.

This week, America made it legal in all fifty states for gay people to get married. Which is amazing, and really cool to see America act like a full country instead of just having pockets of places where gay marriage is legal. But SOME people are angry about it. 'This can not happen!' they say. Not in their country. And they are pissed. SO pissed that they said they would do the unthinkable. One of the worst things that ANY American could ever think of doing. They, are going to move to Canada. 

'Honey, it's happening! Hell is freezing over. We're moving to a place that froze over thousands of years ago. Pack your dog sled. We're going to the North Pole. Canada.'

First of all, really stupid idea. You want to move out of America because they made gay marriage legal? Canada did that ten years ago. Also, the ONLY time you'll think of moving to Canada is when your country goes against god? The only time you'll think about moving to a great country that you know nothing about is when yours insults jesus?

Second, you can't just MOVE to Canada. It's a real country with rules and such. Can people just move to America? No. There is a process. Just because Canada has the idea of being a nice place, doesn't mean you can just show up like it's your buddies couch. 

'Hey, friend. I thought I'd just crash here for a couple of years. That's cool, right? There's troubles in my own home. I won't sign the lease or do any paper work or anything. I'll just crash on your couch. And hey, please keep it down. I have needs to.'

You can't just MOVE to another country. You can't even order something online without filling out some papers. You think you can just show up in a different place? Not a reality. Also, what are you going to tell the border? 

'Business or pleasure, sir?'

'Pissed! That's what! God damn livid!'

'Been there. Go right on, sir. Stay livid, eh?'

I would love to know what these American's who are never going to move to Canada would say at the border when moving to the country that they are NEVER going to move to. Not even if their President is one day an alien who grows fifty feet tall and starts eating children, they'll NEVER make that drive north. It'll never happen, but here are a couple thoughts of what they might say at the border. 

'Why am I COMING here?! Because I'm angry at America and believe we all need guns! You don't want me in your country? Well suck my bag! But not in a gay way. That's what I'm mad about.'

'Look, I'm an AMERICAN. A -M -e... the other letters. You're a dumb little country. I'm going to bring some culture to this mother. You're lucky to have me,... EH. Now step the hell back!'

'My country is letting faggots get married. I swear to g.... You guys do that too? You stupid faggots.... Do you guys have a Chik Fil A? Oh for CHRIST. And I was gonna move here? How do I make a U-ey you queer?'

'Look, I don't know where I'm going here. I know Toronto and Montreal, and I know they touch each other, but other than that? Haven't figured it out. Any place not covered in ice right now?'

'Have you ever heard of a little man named Bruce Springsteen? Well, he's OURS. If you own an album, I should be allowed in your country.'

'We helped you in WW2. Like, what the hell? No, that's not true. We didn't work together to fight Germany. You guys were being given wedgies by England, and we went over there and started cracking heads! You owe me! My grand father PERSONALLY saved a MILLION Canadians in WW1, and now you're going to disrespect me like this?'

'Listen you ignorant syrup sucker, my grand pappy would suck your un-american dick just to prove a point. If he was alive today he'd say, 'Son, run this stupid border guard over.' I didn't get type two diabetes from white powdered donuts and never walking to be talked to like this by a g d CANADIAN. When I find this seat belt buckle I'm gonna beat your ASS. Jail? Sure. I'M going to go to jail. A CANADIAN jail? What's that? A hollowed out tree? I swear to EVERY holy that you people can just su.... ahhhhhhhhhhh! (man tased through his F-150 truck window.)

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

I failed a lot of classes.

Have you ever failed a class? Oh daddy. I have failed classes. Failed hard. Hard as a dick. Not just 'didn't pass', a full blown, disrespectful fail. I ended up graduating high school with honours, but MAN, before the end? I failed a BUNCH of classes. Subjects from east to west. Subjects that you should know and others that don't really matter. I've failed them all! There are reasons for all of these, most notably that at the time I did not care at all about these classes. First class I ever failed? 

Swim Class - YMCA - This was not a class class in the school sense, but I failed it. I was about ten when this happened. I could never swim. I was always horrified of the water. For Christmas, my mom bought me lessons at the Y, and I remembered seeing this and being horrified. I didn't want to go. I did not learn how to swim then. I failed a class at the Y. They failed me. You think they'd go, 'Well, we couldn't teach him. He'll learn someday.' But no, they said, 'We couldn't teach him. He FAILED to learn how to swim. Just awful. This thing will NEVER swim.' I thought at this time, 'what ever. I don't need to swim. Not me, not ever.' 

Keyboarding - Grade 10 - I'm not even sure how I got into this class. I don't know if I had to take it or if I chose it. I'm assuming that I chose it, that I believed in grade 10, 'Hey, this will be an easy credit!' But, I was also smoking weed and not caring about school. Sitting there in that class, pushing buttons repeatedly for an hour, I just didn't care. Just typing the same things over and over for hours. 

'Okay, class. We're going to type 'This class is insanely hard for a 16 year old from a bad place to pay attention to' for the first forty minutes. Then, you're head will explode. And make sure you keep typing when it does!'

Failed this class HARD. I believe I was given a 21. For the year. I figured then that I would never learn to type. Just figured, 'Won't need to do this. Computers are stupid. I'll just stay away from them.' That was dumb. I am typing now. And today, I would pass that class! And now, this class is pretty useless. Today people are on keyboards before they even come out of the womb. 

'Why are you eating an iPad?'

'My unborn is bored. Keeps kicking. Thought I'd send down some candy crush.'

'Do you know how dangerous that is?'

'Do you know how dangerous a bored kid is? Probably not. YOU'RE not a parent. Hand me that Sriracha. This iPad is ROUGH.'

Math - Grade 10 - This class? WOA. I TRULY failed this class. I was given a 5 in this class. A 5. Out of a hundred. At the end of the year, the teacher said he'd be able to give me extra points if I could turn my 5 percent into a fraction. I said I think if I could do that, I think he would've given me a six. He wasn't a fan of that.

'You think this is a joke?'

'Well, no. But a 5 is kind of hilarious. I mean, I thought you'd get more than that just for showing up.'

'You didn't show up a lot.'

'Yes. Yes, this is true.'

This class was interesting. Nobody cared about it. A guy got robbed of his mini disc player during class. No one really paid attention to the teacher. I failed the BALLS off of this one. You'd have to work to get a 5 in a class. I mean, you might have to fight a teacher. Give him a razors edge through his desk. You might have to set your books on fire. Even then, someone might go, 'Well, Jesus. They're troubled. Give them a 10.'

English - Grade 10- Now, as you can see, grade 10 wasn't a good year for me. I was just failing it all. I was skipping school almost daily, smoking weed and listening to Cash Money. This english class? FAILED. Some mark in the 20's. We were supposed to read Catcher In The Rye, and when the teacher said that the man who shot John Lennon had this book in his pocket, I was high or hung over, and I heard that in the book, the man shoots John Lennon. I read the whole thing for this reason, waiting for the main character to shoot this Beatle. Get to the last five pages, and thought, 'Wow, he's going to shoot a Beatle, and they are going to wrap that up quick. This book is.... Oh man. No dead Beatle.' Most of my writing about the book was 'The main character didn't shoot a Beatle!' The teacher pulled me aside and said, 'Nathan, when I was talking about this book you were drunk. I'm failing you.' Another class in the bag. The wrong bag. 

Science - Grade 10 - Now, this one I didn't fail. TECHNICALLY. Should have. Oh baby, should have failed this hard. This one shouldn't have even been a thought. Not even been close. The ONLY reason I didn't fail this class, is that the day we were supposed to write the exam, the teacher had a heart attack. Yep. True story. Since he couldn't get the exams to us, due to his heart attack, the school passed us. I was given a fifty. A barely pass 50. But I'm telling you, if I had to write that exam? FAIL HARD. A heart attack saved my life. I'll never be able to claim that again. 

Chemistry - Grade 11 - The heart attack of the teacher the previous year did nothing to help me here. Not a thing. The teacher I had for this class actually wrote out science book. Serious. One day, he was teaching us something, and went 'oh, that's wrong. It was right at the time, but now, not right.' Wrote the book! I missed a class once, came back, and everyone was talking about 'the mole'. A science thing. Had no idea what was going on, and never caught up. Rest of the year, I wrote jokes in during the class. Ended up with a 20 something. Some good jokes though. Probably not. I was 15. I think I wrote one about how quick girls were developing. That one day they would just be born looking like Pamela Anderson. Failed HARD.

Math - Grade 10 (Again) - Now, this time, oh man. Failed AGAIN. But actually, didn't end up failing. I tried here. I think. I had a forty something or maybe less before the end of the year. My teacher liked me. He said if you take these text books upstairs, I'll give you the points you need to pass. So, I carried math text books from one room to another. Passed that class, but should I have? Oh no. That was a fail. 

Canadian History - Grade 11 - Now, this one, IS my fault. I believe I was given a 49 in this class. One point from having the credit and being able to move up the ranks of the Canadian History hero's hall of fame. This was because I failed yes, but the teacher did not like me. A 49 is a slap in the face. Rather have a zero. Just come to my house and punch me in the face. Failed this thing though, hard. I talked a bunch, didn't do work, asked a million questions the teacher didn't want to answer, and generally just didn't care. I thought, 'Canadian History? When will I need this? Who cares!' And was given a 49. Which, yes, I failed, but I mean, come on. 

Math - Grade 11 - Me and Math, man. I can do it. Well, I can do it. But did I care to? No. I cannot, or could not, sit and do work without asking questions about it. It was impossible for me to do. I asked a million questions in this class. I was kicked out, had to do my math work in the office. Office, baby. This class? FAIled. Hard. 

Failed eight classes in my life. Kicked out of more and suspended more there over. Good? No. Would I do it all again? Sure. You haven't lived until you've failed a class. This part is not true, but still, you want to pass ALL of your classes, loser? Ugh. 

@nathanmacintosh

Rick Ross.

Look, this does not matter. We decided years ago that it wasn't important or useful information at all that a man who was once a correctional officer started rapping and telling the world that he was a drug kingpin. He sold drugs from the port of Miami. He would murder you and yours if you tried to stop him, and, at times, he barely rapped well about it. We decided at the time that this came out that we didn't care. That his beats were still sick, that when he did rap well it was cool, and who cares if he used to literally work with and in a system that he raps about being against. It's a crazy interesting story.

Chris Rock made a movie about this EXACT THING years ago. Early 90's, the movie CB4 was this exact story. A criminal with a crazy rap sheet goes to jail, and a group of rappers start rapping his story and become huge. The only difference in the movie really is that the rappers were not working for a prison. They were just kids. This was a movie, and it basically happened. It must have been some of the thought behind Rozay turning to rap. 

'Hey, they did it in that movie I saw once. I'm in!'

Now, the part that I do appreciate, is the wrestling aspect of the whole thing. Rap is full of people making up stories for our benefit. They tell us they have money and women, cars and guns, because it entertains us. We listen and love it. SOME people won't do that or like it, but by and large, people like to be entertained by the thought of a person doing all this stuff. The idea that an officer would go 'wait a minute. I could keep watching these criminals, put my life at risk, OR, rap about BEING a criminal, make a BAJILLION dollars and live WAY better than I can in this system. I'm in!' That aspect of it, it's great. People want to be entertained, entertain em! Make money! Nobody gets hurt! 

Except for the fact that he's not making up a story. He has completely TAKEN a story from an ACTUAL drug kingpin. A REAL human being who almost spent his entire life in prison doing the things that this other man is rapping about. And the reason that is nuts, is that you can be rewarded for SAYING THAT YOU DO ILLEGAL THINGS but you go STRAIGHT to a maximum security prison for actually doing them. That's crazy! That part of it is hard to fully understand. 

'You are going away for life.'

'Look, I know I sold drugs, but just about every rapper is saying it's cool to sell drugs. That have mansions and money from doing exactly what I did. I'm going to jail because you heard me on the phone say I'm going to push that dope. There is a song called Push That Dope! No jail time for that?"

"Different thing. They did it to a beat. SICK beat. You had no beat. Life in prison.'

Like, you can GO TO JAIL for talking about drugs over a phone. If someone is recording you talking about selling co-ca-een, you could be TOAST. But, if you rhyme it, if you put a beat to it, you could make enough money to buy a sports team. It's. Just. Incredible. 

This has been talked about for years, and forgotten about for years, But the actual Rick Ross, does not have millions of dollars now. What he did was never cool with society. What he did didn't make him a tourable act who has kids buying everything he says. But what he did, is what the other man is SAYING he did, and it's cool. Not only cool, we cheer it on. But the real Rick Ross, and others like him, we want thrown in jail, forgotten about by time and lost in a pit of hell. 'How can you sell drugs? That's insane. Don't you know that it destroys communities? Don't you know that KIDS could be doing drugs? For shame. Ohhhh, THANK you, Rozay. Rapping about drugs. Great. That's great. Gives kids something to look towards. Be a hero and a millionaire like you for talking about it. My kid loves you. Hell, I love you! That one song, with the beat and the drug hook? SIIIIIICCCKK. Thanks for turning the real Rick Ross's story into something positive. It's great to see. You're a pioneer.'

Is it not a little strange that you go to jail for selling drugs but you are paid ROYALLY for rapping that you sell them? Yes, selling drugs in illegal. Rapping about doing it isn't. But, isn't that just weird? Isn't it a strange thing that we are supposed to love the people who tell us to sell drugs but bury the people who do under concrete? It's just... strange. One is a hero. The other is a villain. One is an amazing look at what is possible in America. The other is an amazing look at reality. 

Best part is, if the Real Rick Ross could rap, people wouldn't like it. If he guy could rap, people would STILL not like him as much, because he'd be saying that he USED to sell drugs. 

'Wait a minute. This beat is sick, this guy can flow, but did he say that he wishes he had never started pushing drugs? Wishes that he didn't move weight? Turn this shit off! Yes! There we go! A guy who's never sold drugs rapping about moving TONS of it! Thank you, DJ! Thank YOOOOOUUUUU!'

Again, this doesn't matter. It's just interesting. Don't sell drugs. You could go to jail. But glorify drugs to a beat, so that maybe other people will sell them, and you sir, are the best.  Rick Ross and Hacksaw Jim Duggan are the same in that they both showed us that their business's were not as real as we had thought before. Duggan's story was his at least. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh