Metal Robo MIT Cheetah.

MIT is creating animals. Robo animals. Robotic cheetahs and junk that can run, and jump, and woa! Run and jump. Look out, everyone! This is a strange, creepy, scary, and in my opinion, horrifying. Just to ask the question, why are we doing this? What is the point of making robo animals? For.... what? The reason that is being said? A robotics competition. That is why. A bunch of evil villains are competing against one another for the creepiest, scariest, 'be the death of us all' creations. 

"Welcome everyone to the 'Super Villain Control The Earth Robotics Competition' brought to you by Coca Cola. Coca Cola, 'What every doesn't kill you, will one day kill you.' Let's meet our first competitor. Doctor 'Screw Humanity'. Long black trench coat, bald head and googles. VERY menacing. And what do you have for use?"

"Well, (laughs to himself), I've created a wasp with the power of a nuclear bomb. When it stings you, BOOOOOM! An entire city will go up in smoke! Do you want to see it in action? I'm DYING to try th...."

"No, no. That's okay. We believe you."

We are making robo cheetahs. Guaranteed, there are a bunch of people who worked on these things that have never seen the real animal. 

"Cheee...taaaahh. Let me google it. Hmm, look at that. A Youtube video of one of them. Runs fast. Oh yeah, I can robo that. Time... to... robo that."

Shouldn't there be some things we do with the real cheetahs before we start making robo cheetahs? Have we mastered cheetahs to the point of making robotic ones? I don't think so. There should be a few things we do with the real cheetahs before we make robotic ones. 

1. Get the real Cheetahs to come up to the glass at the zoo.

ANYtime I've been to a zoo, the cheetah exhibit is basically empty. The cheetahs are no where near you. They are far away, chilling in the shade of a tree. 

"And here are the cheetahs. See that bump up on there on that hill? Yep. That's them. Chilling in the shade, being the big cats that they are."

"Hey, can you get them to come closer?"

"No. Nope, we can't do that. Good news, though! A bunch of maniacs are making metal ones that jump! Those ones will come right through your window one day. Just a matter of time."

"Oooooooooooooo...."

"Will those ones at least be awake? (hahah)"

"... Yes. Hey, buddy, I see what you're doing here. You're mocking me for these Cheetahs being asleep. I'm not Jesus, okay? I just tend to the grounds. Big cat gets tired? Big cat lays down. Do YOU get up and greet everyone that comes up to your lawn? Please. Drop the sarcasm, alright?"

2. Ride a cheetah. 

If we are going to be making robo versions of animals, we should have completely dominated the real ones. The people that made the robo ones should have had to go to the Serengeti and saddle one. 

"Well, let me tell you. This will be the most dangerous thing we've ever done. We are going to break that cheetah over there, and ride it back to the airport. It's going to fight, claw, and fight. It's also very strong, is the fastest land animal, AND is a cat, so it can twist and turn and basically has a crazy straw for a spine. It has big teeth."

"But, once we ride it, we can make a metal one, right?"

"Oh yeah, Dennis. Oh yeah."

"Wooooo! Let's do it!"

"Sweet! You got your spurs? And like, a sleeping dart to shoot at it or something?"

"... No. I thought we were doing this like men?"

"Ah CHRIST."

People talk about when robots take over. Robots aren't just going to 'take over'. People talk about it as if robots are making themselves. That some screws and a motherboard are just picking themselves and putting themselves together.

"Dude, there's a bunch of electronics in your garage that are piecing themselves."

"Yeah. Some robot is trying to build itself out of old parts. I locked the door. Hopefully it's not a door opening robot."

 We are creating robots to takeover. Just stop putting them together! But people can't because for some damn reason it's so cool to see a piece of metal move. Who cares? What in the hell are we doing this for? Robots aren't just going to 'take over', some idiot is going to make a take over robot and be surprised when it takes over. 

"Hey, what are you making?"

"This? This is a human killing robot. It's programmed to kill humans."

"Is that safe?"

"Oh yeah. It won't kill humans unless you tell it to. UNLESS, it decides to kill me. Which, haha, I don't know why it would. I mean, I made it! How cold could this damn thing be?"

"HUMAN KILLING COMMENCING...."

"Oh no. Why is it talking like a robot? I programmed it to Bill Clinton. Damn bugs."

"It's going to kill us!"

"Having a robot talk like a robot is not going to kill us. Yes, I agree, the Bill Clinton voice would have been much better, but I think you're being a little dramatic."

"HUMAN KILLING. HUMAN KILLING."

"Ahhhhhh!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

'Oh, we've met.'

A couple times in my life I've been called out by people who have said I've met them when I introduced myself. Most times it was small, other times completely my mistake. I've started just not saying 'nice to meet you at all', just incase I have met this human before. Last night I'm walking with a friend, and he sees a girl that he knows. They talk for a second, then he introduces me to her.

"Hey, Nathan. Nice to meet you."

"... We've met."

"Oh. Sorry. When did we meet?"

"Not long ago. I remember your face. We met like a year ago at a....."

Once I heard 'a year', I was done. There are times when I will accept that I messed up. That I have met this person and I'm being a dick. But this wasn't one of them.

"A year? That's not long ago? A full year?"

"I don't know... A year is..."

"A year!"

I just wasn't going to be called out on 'meeting' someone at a mic a year ago as me being a horrible person who only thinks about themselves. A year. Not a short amount of time. Did I spend any time talking to this person a year ago? I bet not at all. Might, maybe, been a quick hello. If that! I'm not sure why people feel they can become a hero in this situation. If I met someone, than a year later they said 'nice to meet you', I wouldn't get all politeness warrior.

"Oh, we've MET. You don't remember? I was sitting at a table of twenty. You were one of the twenty. I asked you for the salt. You said, 'here you go.' GOD. We've MET."

This person who tried to call me out didn't even remember my name either. Just that she remembered my face. Well then hey, we didn't really meet! There should only be a few times you can say to someone, 'oh, we've met.'

1. You've slept with a person.

If someone looks at you and says, 'Nice to meet you', but you know FOR SURE that you have penetrated or been penetrated by this person, THEN you can hit them with the 'oh, we've met.' 

"Hey, nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"Really? I'm sorry. When?"

"When you asked me if I wanted a towel. Then you watched an episode of Cosmos on Netflix before telling me I couldn't stay at your place. THEN. WE. MET. THEN."

"Oh.. I... ah..."

"ARE A DICK!"

2. You worked/work at a job. 

If someone looks at you and says 'nice to meet you', but you know FOR SURE that they are your boss, you can pull the old 'oh, we've met.'

"Hey, nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"I'm sorry. When?"

"When you hired me... thirty years ago! I've been to your stupid christmas parties! I've hated your dumb kids from afar! Your wife sucks! WE'VE. MET."

"Ah... I'm... you're fired."

"YOU'RE A DICK!"

3. Your parents. 

If someone looks at your and says 'nice to meet you', but you're CERTAIN that you've come out of their body, HIT em with the ol' 'oh, we've met."

"Nice to meet you."

"OH, for CHRIST sake. We've MET!"

"I'm sorry, when did w...."

"When I came out of your balls! When I went into the woman you through me into, hit one of her eggs and became a human! When you watching me leave a vagina! When you dropped me off at school! When you hit me for changing the channel by accident! WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE. We. Have. MEEEETTTTTTTTT."

"Oh, man. I'm so...."

"A dick! You're so a DICK! If you don't think THIS is going to push me to drugs, you're dead wrong, BUD."

4. You've been to space with someone.

If someone says 'nice to meet you', but, like, you KNOOOOW that you orbited the Sun with them, I mean, COME ON. Drop that 'oh, we've met' right in their helmet!

"Nice to meet you."

"Oh, we've met."

"I'm sorry. When did this...."

"Look, Jerry. You know damn well we've met. We trained at NASA for MONTHS together. We handed each other diapers while floating in zero gravity looking down on earth. We both urinated straight up to the ceiling and laughed and laughed. We were the only ones up there! You told me you've cheated on your wife thousands of times! You told me your darkest fears! We thought we saw aliens but we were just tweaking on that California Cub Dust we snuck on board. We made sweet love when we didn't think we were making it back to earth!"

"Oh, I'm sor..."

"SO A DICK! A gentle, beautiful dick that I fell in love with in dark, lonely space. I loved you, Jerry! I space loved you, space Jerry!"

These are the times you can drop 'oh, we've met.' Other than that, change your tone. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Vacationing is hard.

I went to Orlando to visit a friend last week. It was the first vacation I had taken in five years. That means, in the last ten years, I've been on two vacations. I don't BELIEVE that's what regular human beings do. Regular people try to go on vacation once a year or something, right?

"Hey, it's February again. Let's get the hell out of here!"

"But we went away last February."

"... Yeah. That's what I said. Whatever. Stay here. I'm out. Peace, not vacationing loser!"

The last vacation I went on was to Jamaica. I had just taped a half hour special for Canadian television. I have to add the 'Canadian' part because people in America looking at this need the context. 

"He filmed a half hour special? Huh. I didn't know that. He's doing it! He must really be moving up the.... oh. In Canada. That's like filming a half hour special in Idaho FOR Idaho. I ALMOST texted him 'congrats'."

That had just been filmed, and I had worked really hard on it. For about four and a half years straight, everyday, doing shows. So I thought, with the money I made from it, which was Canadian millions, I'd go on a trip. That, and also my girlfriend was like, 'You know before you I used to go on vacations all the time. All the time! We're young! What the hell are we doing?!" 

So we went. Great time. Then, a year later, I moved to New York, and, same as Toronto, just did shows every night for years. A friend of mine has been working at Disney in Orlando for the last year. Kept asking me to come down and visit. Finally booked it, and went down. 

I say vacationing is hard for many reasons. One, it's almost impossible to get away from people. When you vacation, most times it's because you just want to chill. You spend time at work around people, getting to work around people, going to bars and such around tons of people. You just want to chill for a couple days away from go go go. The only people that really get to vacation that way are Richard Branson and other billionaires. They can fly to islands where they are COMPLETELY ALONE. If regular people go to an empty island, there's some sort of SARS outbreak.

"Come down to Aruba for 'Bird Flu Bonanza' Days! You'll have an entire villa to your self because every one on the island is fighting for their lives in the hospital! For just twelve dollars a night, you'll find out what it's like to vacation AND run your own hotel. Get your own towels, make your own food, check yourself in ALL while wearing a surgical mask! No lines at the bar. Nobody in the hot tub. Hell, you'll even have the airport to yourself! 'Bird Flu Bonanza' days. Come experience an apocalypse while you even out that tan.'

Billionaires can go to an empty island that is GORGEOUS, no SARS anywhere. If people did show up, they can deal with it. 

"Mr. Branson, a family of six just landed on the other end of the island."

"Well, have them murdered and fill this kiddie pool with their life blood. My children will bathe."

"...."

"Don't you give me that damn look, Benniford. Have. Them. MURDERED."

ANYwhere regular humans are going to go is packed. Even the plane on the way there. Just jammed.

"Ladies and gentleman, this flight is VERY full today. We do not have enough room for your luggage, so just throw it up front and we will have it incinerated for you. Also, if you could fuse your left and right leg together, we can squeeze one more cheese head with a neck pillow on board. Enjoy your trip to Have Fun Trying To Relax!"

Growing up, my mom REALLY wanted to take me and my Brother to Disneyland. Every time a commercial would come on for it, she'd say that if she won the lottery, the first thing she would do is take us there. Lottery was going to be the only way to do it. So, never went there as a kid. As an adult, with my friend working there, took the opportunity. Found out why lottery would be needed. It's expensive to take a family a lot of places, but definitely here. For a regular family, I'd guess it takes YEARS to save the money to take everyone to Disneyland. Just hours and hours of being kicked in the head at your job for five days of being cooked in the boiling sun while you wait an hour and a half for a minute and a half rollercoaster. 

"Weeeee! Weeee! Ahhhhh! Ahhhh.... Oh. Done. Huh. Well, that was cool."

"Cool? That was cool? I worked doubles for two years for you to go on this. It better be goddamn better than cool!"

As well as the expense of the parks, hotels in the area can be very expensive. If you want to stay at a Disney hotel, which I'm sure a lot of families want to to get a full Disney experience or whatever, some of these can be six hundred, seven hundred a night. A night. Just to have a place where your toothbrush and clothes won't be used by the homeless. I don't know much, but I do know that if I go on vacation and spend six hundred a night on a hotel, the hotel IS NOW the vacation. I'm not leaving that room. I'm using everything that's in there. Every towel, cup, drawer, blanket. I'll open and close the curtains for hours. I'll FINALLY read the bible. 

"Huh. Look at this. This Jesus guy was alright!"

Interesting to go to Disneyland. If Walt was alive today, he'd see almost the exact same amount of smiling kids and families as crying families going through a divorce right in front of Goofy. Trip is so stressful and expensive families are just breaking down.

"You know what? Fine. Take the kids! I don't care anymore! We're done!"

Then a father will walk away with Mickey ears bouncing on his head. One this trip I went on a gator tour that was sweet. Forty minutes outside of Orlando, on an airport, out with gators in gator country. This was great, but another reason that vacationing is hard is that a lot of people you meet on vacation try to fit where they're from into the weirdest things. People REALLY want you to know what town they're from.

"Hey everyone, look over there. Gator."

"Oh, gator! We don't have this kind of thing in Plastic Bag, North Dakota."

... Yeah, of course you don't. Most people don't. That's why were here. You think people that see gators all the time are on these tours? Or vacation around them? Just say where you're from if you have to. You don't have to jam it in.

"Ah, The Incredible Hulk rollercoaster. We don't have things like this in Touch Yourself, Illinois."

We know! There's one of these! It's here! That's it! Then you have a to have a conversation about it.

"Oh, you're from Dust Storm, Arkansas? Nice. Hear it's nice this time of... Ah, god! You and I both know I haven't heard of it. And you're gonna say, 'Of course you haven't', and laugh to yourself that no one knows about it. I get it!"

Vacationing is also hard because it's gonna take a couple days to REALLY decompress from your regular life. Day three you're really feeling it, and day six you're outta there. All vacations should be an extra couple of days. If you have a week, it should be ten days. First three, you're just put in a decompression chamber.

"Okay, so put your bathing suit on, and slide right into this dark tunnel. We'll wake you up and throw you on the beach. You'll have a full five days of chill time. Watch your frisbee. I'm gonna lock this up now."

I'm going to try to make sure it's not another five years before I take some time off. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh