Things I'll still do when I'm a millionaire.

Millionaires really start living like people in weird bubbles pretty early on. Once you become a millionaire, seems to be some things you just stop doing that regular humans keep on keeping on with. When I become a millionaire, here's a list of things I'm still gonna do with my goddamn ass.

1. Walk my own dogs 

Yep. When I become a millionaire, I'm gonna walk the dog or dogs that I have myself.

'What? Why?! How the hell could you put your hands that have all that money on a leash? Or, even worse, a leash attached to a ...dog.'

I truly don't understand having a dog and not walking it. That's one of the things that you do with a dog. That's one of the things that is done with this animal when you own one. They need walks. They get walks. They like going outside and smelling stuff. They like smelling that strange dogs butt. It's a big part of the lives of these domesticated pets. So, you're going to get one of these creatures, and NOT do with them one of the major things that they involve? Why don't you just have a TV that you hire people to come over and watch?

"I just bought this sweet ass, seventy five hundred inch TV! You know why? Because I'm a goddamn badass millionaire. I'm a millionaire, son! Now, where's the number of that service where I pay a struggling actor forty bucks to sit in front of this thing for an hour? Oh yeah, I'll just lean out my window and yell, because I'm a badass millionaire!"

If when I'm a millionaire I'm too busy for dogs, and everyone in my house is as well, there will be no dogs. But if I have a dog, I'll walk that mother. I will see my dog smell that butt. 

2. Raise my own kids  

Now, jesus christ. This one shouldn't even be a thought. You have kids. These kids need to be raised. So, you.. raise... them. YOU do. The person who made them. The piece of machinery that brought this damn kid into the world. YOU, stupid. YOU take this kid out. YOU feed this kid. You don't call a woman whose trying to stay in the country you live in and get her to come over and raise the damn thing. If you're gonna do this, she should be there for the conception.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, just like that. Yeah, I'm about to, I'm aboouuuttt toooo... wait. Divina, are you going to be able to nanny for us from Monday to Friday, 8- 8? And hell, on Saturdays too?"

"... Yes. I can do that."

"Oh, boy. That's great! Because I'm about to put a FULL baby into my wife here. Oh, jesus, I'm gonna come! Ahh, ahhhh, AHHHHHH I'm never gonna be here to see this kid! ... Ah, ah god. Divina, you're really saving my life here. I can just come and come into this thing I married, and YOU deal with what this thing makes with that come! Ah, man. What a life.... Drinks, anyone?"

When I'm a millionaire, I'll raise my own kids. If I can't, and my wife is not able to as well, and the only option is to hire someone completely unrelated to this situation to raise them, I'm not going to have them. 

3. Drive my own cars 

This is another one of those things. You become a millionaire. You can afford any car you want. You pick it out. Then, you hire another human to drive you around in it. What... the fuck. What is the message here? That driving a car is for commoners? Being seen behind the wheel of a beautiful automobile is for peasants? You can't drive you're own Rolls? It's gorgeous! Get behind the wheel! Put your head out the window! Toss watches out of the sun roof! Been seen! Why get a driver for such nice cars? You should have drivers for terrible ones.

"Okay, I'm looking for a driver."

"No problem. We can help you with that. What kind of car? Rolls Royce? Maybach?"

"What? Jesus no! I drive a 97' Corolla. I'm gonna be getting a new car soon. But god, I can't be seen in this thing anymore. I'm trying to get laid, you know? People point and laugh when I'm at the light. I need someone to drive me to work, and I'm going to lay in the back seat under an old blanket. Cool?"

If I'm too busy to drive the gorgeous, half million dollar car that I buy, and everyone in my house is too busy too as well, I won't buy the car. I'll get another fountain.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Let's get possessed.

'Deliver Us From Evil' is a new possession movie. It's based on a true story of an NYPD officer who wrote a book about his experience with demons and the like. How true to his story is it? I don't know. Usually movies are exaggerated. It made me think a couple things about possession movies. 

First of all, why has every parent in possession movies bought their kids that 'jack in the box' toy? It's completely horrifying when the sun is up. In a park, with trees and birds and friends around, they are terrifying.

"Honey, do you want to start cranking that scary box from the seventies I bought you as a toy in the early 2000's? Just crank it and ruin this beautiful family get together."

Scary on a good day, so why would they not be horrifying at night on the third floor of an already creepy, over decorated room? Jack in the box is also very easy to possess. It's like training wheels for a demon. First they turn the dial without being seen, then they move on to picking up the bed. 

"Alright, training demons. I'm only gonna say this a couple times in english, then a few thousand times in Latin. First, all you'll be doing is turning the crank on the boxes. Yep, that's it. Crank it up. Once you get that down, the 'slow-turn-until-you-rev-it-up-at-the-end' crank, you'll move on to picking up beds. Not before! I've seen way too many demons jump into beds first."

Possessed people in movies tend to get locked in asylums. Priests just can't seem to be able to convince doctors that they are not insane, they are possessed. No matter how many demons they cast out, no one who wasn't there believes them. Priests are probably always having this argument with doctors.

"You're telling me, all of these people are not insane? That they are all possessed?"

"No. Not ALL of them. Just the ones speaking Latin!"

"So, the Latin ones?"

"Maybe. For sure the ones who don't speak it and are. Just let them all out and I'll do what I do and see what happens!" 

Demons LOVE speaking Latin. Every possession movie, a demon hops into someone like they're a convertible, then just starts throwing down so much weird, scary Latin. Are we supposed to be scared of languages that we don't understand? Is that the goal here?

"I don't know what the hell that man just said to me, but I'll be sleeping under some garlic tonight."

Priests always have an interpreter with them to decode what is being said or slurred.  That has to be one of the worst perks of being a language interpreter. 

"Hey, man. They need you at this persons house to interpret some Latin."

"Oh, great! Interpret for who? A President? Do they need me to let them know what's going on in the Vatican?"

"Nope. Demon. Demon took over a woman."

"Ah, fuck Christ Sake! It's always a demon taking over a woman! What the hell did I learn this language for? I've interpreted for ZERO diplomats. Unless you count that diplomat that was possessed, but I don't!"

We should just call Latin the demon language. Every movie about someone being possessed uses it. No one speaks english, or German, or even demon. They speak Latin. It's like they're trying to make us believe that anyone who speaks spanish is possessed.

"How was your date with that hot Latin guy you've been talking to?"

"Awful. Turns out he's NOT Latin. He's Dolce from the eighth circle of hell. Came over and bit my cat. Had to call a priest to get him out of my house. Super hot when he talks, though. I was kinda turned on when he bit the cat, but THEN he pissed himself. I haven't been on a good date in months."

Possession movies always have the woman wearing a night gown, or a hospital gown, or some kind of tattered white, now dirty rag, who becomes possessed. Her face is dirty, her hair is awful. She has blood on her. ALWAYS a night gown or a hospital gown. No possession movie has had a woman in a pant suit, or bathing suit, or McDonald's Uniform. 

"Woa. Your drive-thru attendant is crawling on the ceiling."

"Yep. She got possessed the other day. Kept coming to work. I'm not gonna complain, though. These ceilings need a dusting. This demon has some kind of work ethic. Keep your kids away from her."

Demons also love to possess a person then make them cut themselves. There's not one possession movie with the girl not cut up from head to toe. They don't take any time with this body at all. They don't take it to work, see what that's like. They don't run around slapping people for fun. They just get in, and start cutting it up. When a person stops being possessed, they must be in the worst pain of their lives. They have gashes all over them, they've a lot of times been bent into a pretzel. No way you just sleep that off. I'd like to see a movie of a person after they've been possessed, and the long road to recovery. 

"Janice here was possessed for two weeks. Demon tore one of her eyes out, and she's had to learn to walk again because he walked her up the stairs like a spider before stretching her neck to the length of a giraffes. Look at her now. Possessed three months ago and left in a pile on the floor, now, she's managing a Lulu lemon and eating solid food again."

I'd assume to that if you are ever possessed, you don't really come back from that. How do you go back to living a regular life once a demon has taken your body? Knowing that a demon can just do that? That you don't have to say 'demon' three times in a mirror or anything? One day you're walking, next day you're telling a priest to suck your dick. You can just ENJOY a Froyo now? Don't think you'll forget the demon thing. 

"Worst year of my life? Probably losing my job and my husband. Yeah. Why'd that happen again? Oooohhhh yeeaaaahhh. A demon took control of my body and made me stab him with a crucifix. Can't say I blame him for leaving. Either way, things are cool now. I enjoy canoeing again."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

A red head in summer.

Summer again. I love it, but as a red head? Maaaaan, it can get rough. The sun and red heads are not really friends. Sun completely cooks us. We have to wear long clothes and cover our bodies in sun proof liquid to hit the streets. If we don't? Jesus, it can be painful. But it's not just the summer that can burn us. Serious? Yep. Serious. A cloudless, sun filled sky is not the only thing that can do the trick. Here's a list of some other things. 

Sun glaring off the snow.

Now, you may think this doesn't make sense. 'How the hell can someone be burned by the sun in the winter? It's cold! What the hell! These people are freaks!' Okay, calm down. I was shocked by it when I was a kid. But when sun glares off fresh snow? Man. First, you got the actual sun coming down on you, and it's banking off of reflectors on the ground? It's sun from all angles! For a red head it's like walking through a cold tanning bed. 

"What a beautiful day to freeze AND wear sunblock! Thanks, weird gene that makes me this way!"

A 120 watt bulb.

Now, these just ain't cool. I believe all red heads are happy that alternatives have been made. In all seriousness, who the hell needs that many watts? Are you looking for evidence in your living room? Are you hoping to zap away germs? Then scale down the watts a little bit. Or, if no red heads are ever in your house, you do what you want. But, unless you're trying to cook chicken while reading, no one needs a 120 watt bulb. 

"Damn you, ghostrider bulb! A.k.a regular, 120 watt. Burnt!"

Full brightness on iPhones.

Oh, yes. Very real. Even if by some chance the brightness DOESN'T crisp up a red heads skin, the brightness on full will destroy our eyes. Why? We got no damn pigment, which affects how light comes at our faces. My phone is always on the lowest brightness. No one can see it. I'm basically staring at this computer right now at a negative brightness percentage. Full brightness on an iPhone is enough to get a car to stop for you on the side of the highway during a storm at night. Much too bright for the skin and eyes of a red head human. 

"Woa, woa, woa. What do I want the right side of my face to look like it went to Florida? Better turn this down."

Yelling.

Little known fact. If you yell at a red head for a while, they can get burnt. That's how soft this damn skin is. Try it, but don't try it. You yell long enough at a red head, we'll get burned. ot breath hitting us for too long does damage to this already pretty iffy skin. A manager at a job I worked at once yelled at me for so long that my face peeled afterwards. True? No. But, it could be possible. 

"Thank you for putting my face in my shirt to stop the burning! I appreciate it. Hopefully you calm down soon.

Hot shower.

Clean? Sure. Hot showers will make that happen. Burn a read heads skin? Yep. Sometimes a red head will step out of a hot bath and need to apply aloe. The sun lives everywhere for red heads. Even in the tap on the right. This is why most times we shower in the cold. That's right. You've never heard that? We shower in cold water the way a troll might that lives in a cave and has no option as to the type of water that flows through it. And if you already have a burn and step into a hot shower? Double burn. That's where the burn gets burned. You ever see a burned burn? Red head. 

"Yep. Aloe after this one."

Twitter @Nathanmacintosh