Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

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Let's get possessed.

'Deliver Us From Evil' is a new possession movie. It's based on a true story of an NYPD officer who wrote a book about his experience with demons and the like. How true to his story is it? I don't know. Usually movies are exaggerated. It made me think a couple things about possession movies. 

First of all, why has every parent in possession movies bought their kids that 'jack in the box' toy? It's completely horrifying when the sun is up. In a park, with trees and birds and friends around, they are terrifying.

"Honey, do you want to start cranking that scary box from the seventies I bought you as a toy in the early 2000's? Just crank it and ruin this beautiful family get together."

Scary on a good day, so why would they not be horrifying at night on the third floor of an already creepy, over decorated room? Jack in the box is also very easy to possess. It's like training wheels for a demon. First they turn the dial without being seen, then they move on to picking up the bed. 

"Alright, training demons. I'm only gonna say this a couple times in english, then a few thousand times in Latin. First, all you'll be doing is turning the crank on the boxes. Yep, that's it. Crank it up. Once you get that down, the 'slow-turn-until-you-rev-it-up-at-the-end' crank, you'll move on to picking up beds. Not before! I've seen way too many demons jump into beds first."

Possessed people in movies tend to get locked in asylums. Priests just can't seem to be able to convince doctors that they are not insane, they are possessed. No matter how many demons they cast out, no one who wasn't there believes them. Priests are probably always having this argument with doctors.

"You're telling me, all of these people are not insane? That they are all possessed?"

"No. Not ALL of them. Just the ones speaking Latin!"

"So, the Latin ones?"

"Maybe. For sure the ones who don't speak it and are. Just let them all out and I'll do what I do and see what happens!" 

Demons LOVE speaking Latin. Every possession movie, a demon hops into someone like they're a convertible, then just starts throwing down so much weird, scary Latin. Are we supposed to be scared of languages that we don't understand? Is that the goal here?

"I don't know what the hell that man just said to me, but I'll be sleeping under some garlic tonight."

Priests always have an interpreter with them to decode what is being said or slurred.  That has to be one of the worst perks of being a language interpreter. 

"Hey, man. They need you at this persons house to interpret some Latin."

"Oh, great! Interpret for who? A President? Do they need me to let them know what's going on in the Vatican?"

"Nope. Demon. Demon took over a woman."

"Ah, fuck Christ Sake! It's always a demon taking over a woman! What the hell did I learn this language for? I've interpreted for ZERO diplomats. Unless you count that diplomat that was possessed, but I don't!"

We should just call Latin the demon language. Every movie about someone being possessed uses it. No one speaks english, or German, or even demon. They speak Latin. It's like they're trying to make us believe that anyone who speaks spanish is possessed.

"How was your date with that hot Latin guy you've been talking to?"

"Awful. Turns out he's NOT Latin. He's Dolce from the eighth circle of hell. Came over and bit my cat. Had to call a priest to get him out of my house. Super hot when he talks, though. I was kinda turned on when he bit the cat, but THEN he pissed himself. I haven't been on a good date in months."

Possession movies always have the woman wearing a night gown, or a hospital gown, or some kind of tattered white, now dirty rag, who becomes possessed. Her face is dirty, her hair is awful. She has blood on her. ALWAYS a night gown or a hospital gown. No possession movie has had a woman in a pant suit, or bathing suit, or McDonald's Uniform. 

"Woa. Your drive-thru attendant is crawling on the ceiling."

"Yep. She got possessed the other day. Kept coming to work. I'm not gonna complain, though. These ceilings need a dusting. This demon has some kind of work ethic. Keep your kids away from her."

Demons also love to possess a person then make them cut themselves. There's not one possession movie with the girl not cut up from head to toe. They don't take any time with this body at all. They don't take it to work, see what that's like. They don't run around slapping people for fun. They just get in, and start cutting it up. When a person stops being possessed, they must be in the worst pain of their lives. They have gashes all over them, they've a lot of times been bent into a pretzel. No way you just sleep that off. I'd like to see a movie of a person after they've been possessed, and the long road to recovery. 

"Janice here was possessed for two weeks. Demon tore one of her eyes out, and she's had to learn to walk again because he walked her up the stairs like a spider before stretching her neck to the length of a giraffes. Look at her now. Possessed three months ago and left in a pile on the floor, now, she's managing a Lulu lemon and eating solid food again."

I'd assume to that if you are ever possessed, you don't really come back from that. How do you go back to living a regular life once a demon has taken your body? Knowing that a demon can just do that? That you don't have to say 'demon' three times in a mirror or anything? One day you're walking, next day you're telling a priest to suck your dick. You can just ENJOY a Froyo now? Don't think you'll forget the demon thing. 

"Worst year of my life? Probably losing my job and my husband. Yeah. Why'd that happen again? Oooohhhh yeeaaaahhh. A demon took control of my body and made me stab him with a crucifix. Can't say I blame him for leaving. Either way, things are cool now. I enjoy canoeing again."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

 

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