The Pope. He's out!

The pope has retired. He is the first pope in six hundred years to step down. It's a job that you are supposed to die at. Die. You are supposed to be the pope until you die. And that's actually die. Drop dead. Not just lose your soul, ability to feel and love after working in a call center day after day, after day.

"I think I need out of this job. I've been answering the phone here and getting yelled at for eight straight years now. I honestly don't know if I have any emotions left."

"Dead inside, huh? I hear ya. There's no getting out of here that way, though. They actually like it if you are without a soul anymore. Makes you a more efficient worker. Actually, you could get a promotion!"

"If they give me a promotion, I'm promoting myself all the way to hell."

You are supposed to die as pope while driving around in the pope-mobile feebly waving at people who believe in you, or kick the bucket while saying that gays are ruining the world.

"And God said... agh! My heart! It must be some queer clogging up my arteries. You killed me, gays! You did!"

But this pope has just said that he "doesn't feel up to it." That seems like a pretty holy thing to say. "Agh, don't feel like it." In a job that you are supposed to die doing, how can you resign? Wouldn't resigning from a job you are supposed to die in be killing yourself?

"I'm resigning as a father."

"You're a father no matter what you do. You'll be a good one or a bad one. How the hell are you going to resign?"

"I don't know. Rope. Running my car in the garage. A rusty coke can. I haven't decided yet, but I'm resigning."

What is the procedure to pick a new pope? Voting? A secret ballot system? Maybe there should be an American Idol type contest.

"Last week, we saw Xavier XVL put on the pope mitre in just forty five seconds. This week? Can he pretend to not see this priest touch this young boy? We'll soon find out and then throw the voting to you!"

In order for there to be a new pope, the preceding pope usually has to have died. The pope is sort of like the Highlander. There can only be one. Assuming the other pope is dead, a bunch of cardinals sit in a room, then they and God vote on the next pope. Yes, God. This is paraphrasing, but this is what I could find. God decides on the next pope, but I guess just because they would get bored sitting there waiting for God, the cardinals fill out ballots to vote.

"So, what, we just sit here until he decides?"

"Yes. He'll give us a sign."

"Ah, man. Well, can we do something until then? Cards? Dominoes? You wanna know who I like for pope? I was thinking that Celestine would be pretty good."

"Pretty good?"

"Yeah. He's old. He's white. He looks good in a blanket. He can wave. I think he's got it."

I don't truly understand this man. He's God's right hand man? He was chosen to be the head of the Catholic Church because he sees God more than the next guy?

"God came to me three times yesterday."

"Only three? I slept with him, then we made eggs in the morning."

"...Huh. Well, I guess you get the hat."

Apparently, the pope is the pastor of the universal church. You know, if you went to Mars and wanted to go repent? The pope is the pastor of the church on that surface as well.

"Took me a long time to get here! Does the pope ever come by?"

"...He's eighty-five. Do you really think he has it in him to travel through space? I'm assuming one of your sins is mocking the pope."

"...Yes, father."

This pope had a pretty intense Christmas message this year. Along with other things, he said that, "Gay marriage was a threat to humanity and world peace." Not only is this over the top, this is also a very long Christmas message. 'Merry Christmas'. 'Happy Holidays'. Those are my ideas of Christmas messages. You're supposed to say the pope's message to a cashier after you buy something?

"Here's your change, sir. Have a good day."

"Thank you. Gays are a threat to humanity and world peace!"

"...I'm really happy you are on your way out."

A message to the world at Christmas time shouldn't be something that is in a hate group's manifesto. Maybe one day they'll change their minds about gay people the same way they changed their minds about condoms and purgatory.

"You know what? I now think gay people are good. To show them I mean it, I'm going to bedazzle this hat even more!"

The pope doesn't like gay people but dresses as if he does. Has he ever noticed the gaudy things that he wears? Not that gay people would wear any of it, but I mean – straight men for sure wouldn't either.

"I couldn't find my jersey for the game tonight, so I just wrote 'Go Devils' on this sheet."

"...Are you going to wear the jeweled scarf too? And the tall embroidered hat?"

"Yeah! Doesn't it bring the whole outfit together? Weird question, but can you put my shoes on for me? I can't see my feet in this thing."

How could he not like gay people but then wear things that look like he fell through a drag queen's thrift store? It seems the more outlandish you dress the more power you seem to have. The pope, Lady Gaga, Prince. Nobody wearing a plaid shirt is going to command the same amount of power.

"I believe that we should all worship the trees."

"Are you wearing a shirt that I could buy at H&M?"

"Yeah. So? What does that have to do wit..."

"Let's stop following this guy!"

The pope shouldn't be thought of as holy. He didn't fall out of the sky. He's just a regular man who was put in that position. If the next pope falls out of the sky, THAT guy should be revered.

"Hey, guys. I'm here."

"Whoa! Did you just fall from the sky?!"

<ZAP>

"Anybody else want to be vaporized for asking stupid questions?"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Blowing your nose in public. No.

There are many things that are frowned upon to do in public. Scratching your business. Spitting. Reading People Magazine.

"Oh… my... God... Is that woman looking at a Best and Worst Dressed List? Ugh. I think I'm gonna throw up."

Honestly, I cannot understand why blowing your nose is not one of those things. Since I was a kid, it has been something that has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't think it was a traumatic experience, but it could have been.

"Happy tenth birthday, Nathan! Blow out your candles!"

<Nose blowing>

"Uncle Jim!?"

"Ah, God. Sorry, Nathan. You'll be happy to know that I wished for this cold to go away. I blew out all ten, so I hope it comes true."

I have never liked it, though, and I can't understand why we let it happen out there.

Seriously, how did blowing your nose get above cleaning your ears as something you're allowed to do in public? How? If you see someone with a Q-tip in their ear on a bus, you think they're disgusting.

"Wow. You couldn't do that at home, you piece of garbage? I bet you harass women. Yeah, keep cleaning your ears as if you can't hear me say this all in my head while I stare at you and pretend to read this paper. KEEP CLEANING!"

When people clean their ears, would you even know that it was happening if you weren't staring at them? Cleaning your ears doesn't make any noise. For sure not a noise that is used for comedic effect in movies like 'Must Love Dogs'.

"So, Susan, where did you say you went to school?"

(<Nose blowing>)

"Huh. Never heard of it. Is that an elephant sanctuary?"

"No... agh... I went to (<nose blowing>)"

"Huh? That's a weird school chant. Must be hard to yell during games. I went to Alabama. Roll damn tide!"

Another thing you can't do in public? Floss or brush your teeth. If you see someone flossing their teeth in public, you assume that they just got a divorce.

"Man. Poor guy. Do you think he got to keep the house?"

"He's picking his teeth with a newspaper he found on the seat beside him. Safe to say, probably not."

"Do you think his kids hate him?"

"He's picking his teeth with the business section. He hates him."

You can't brush your teeth in public. We would look at someone crazier for doing that in public than blowing his or her nose. Does that make sense?

"Is that guy cleaning his mouth? Wow. If that's not Alec Baldwin, that guy is a piece of trash. Did this guy at the table beside me just blow some of his brain onto a Chipotle receipt? Bless him. Bless him and his nose blowing ways. Hey, tooth-brusher! Take that to an alley, you animal! My kids are here, for God's sake!"

We don't like people cutting their nails in public. Why? Is it because it's gross that a piece of their body could fly all over the place? Yeah? That's the same as blowing your nose! Oh, wait. People blow their nose into a gross piece of tissue paper that they keep in their pocket. That's what makes it okay, right? What if someone cut his or her nails in public under a napkin? Would it be okay then?

"Ummm, why are you taking your shoes off?"

"Man, one of these nails is driving me crazy! Don't worry. I'm gonna clip into this Applebee's serviette. I mean, I'm not a maniac or anything! (<Clip>) Aren't you going to say 'bless you'? I can't believe how some people can be so rude. Enjoy the rest of your day, non-bless-you person... Can you pass me that shoe?"

If you are going to do it, it should never happen beside strangers on crowded public transportation. Beside people you don't know? There's too much that can go wrong.

"Well, I'm really jammed in here. There's a person directly beside me and this guy is almost on my lap. As good a time as any to clear my nasal passages."

<Nose blowing>

"Sorry about that. I had no idea that the tissue would rip and spray all over your work pants."

"Don't worry about it, man. Since we as a society deemed blowing your nose in public okay, I'm sure it doesn't carry any bacteria. Feel better soon, and if you want, next time? Just blow your nose right on my pants."

"Thank you, kind sir."

"Oh, please. Thank you for giving me the ability to say 'bless you'. I'm now a mini hero."

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a member of the mob? A Lohan? Why is this something you feel is okay? You would think it was only done by diplomats.

"Hello, sir. Welcome to America. Park anywhere you would like to."

"Thank you. I was also told by your president that I can shoot mucus from my face in public if I so choose."

"Oh yeah? I'm allowed to do that. Am I a diplomat?"

"Can you kill anyone you want and get away with it?"

"...No. No I can't."

"Bless you."

I've only heard one argument as to why people should blow their nose in public.

"I'd rather someone blow their nose than have to see snot on their face."

Why the hell are you hanging out with people who have no idea what is happening with their face?

"You know, I just don't think people take me seriously?"

"Yeah... about that. Look, I didn't want to say anything, but you've had a thin film of mucus on your face for the last fifteen years. I'm cool with it, but others? I mean, you know."

"I have?" (<Touches face for the first time in fifteen years>) 

"I have! Oh, man. I had no idea. I've gone on dates! I've been to funerals! People must have thought I'm insane!"

"Or just a homeless person who has lost their mind due to not having everyday conversations. Either way, now you know."

Who do you know like this? Are you having really deep conversations with children?

"I just don't know if I can take out a second mortgage, you know? There's got to be a better way."

"Give me blocks! I want juice! Where are my pants?!"

"Exactly. Who's going to give ME blocks? At least I know where my pants are."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

"Is he sensitive?" "Isn't everyone?"

These days, people have become very sensitive. We all have to hear about when people are offended, and we all have to watch what we say so as not to make others feel bad. You can barely disagree with people without getting into a debate about feelings. You almost have to like things infront of people so that they don't feel bad.

"I really liked that movie. I thought it was well written and directed."

"I really didn't like it. Just wasn't very good."

"What? But I liked it. Are you trying to say that I'm dumb because you didn't like something that I liked?"

"Umm, no. Just for me, I didn't really like it."

"But I said I... did. By societal standards, you have to say that you liked it in the presence of me, so that I don't feel as if I like something that shouldn't be liked. Do you understand?"

People have become so sensitive that a lot of times, if someone questions something they say, they'll change their opinion. Change their thoughts right there, just so as not to offend the other person's beliefs.

"Can I have a muffin?"

"A muffin?"

"Well, actually, you're right. A bagel."

"So a bagel?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'll have whatever morning pastry you have that you will not repeat."

"What? You want a treat?"

"I'm leaving."

There was a point in time when you could call someone out for being wrong. Now you're not supposed to say anything because you'll hurt someone's feelings. So instead of disagreeing, you're supposed to pretend it wasn't said, then talk about it later.

"You know, dolphins live in the Amazon rainforest."

"...Huh. I didn't know that. Okay, well, I have to go."

"Can you believe that complete idiot thinks dolphins live on land?"

"Look, let's just get home, okay? I can't even comprehend what was just said."

Now, for some reason, if you disagree and you call someone out publicly for what they say, you're the jerk.

"I really liked the game Twisted Metal. I loved using Sonic the Hedgehog."

"Sonic wasn't in Twisted Metal. You must be thinking of Sonic All-Stars Racing."

<GASPS>

"John, there's no reason to be rude. If he says he used Sonic in Twisted Metal, then he did."

"What? I'm not trying to be rude. You just can't use that character in that ga..."

"I... can't... I just have to... goodbye, guys. Enjoy the... rest of your.... ahhhhh!"

"See what you did, John? You made him cry. You called him a liar and made him cry!"

"Let me go talk to him."

"Why? So you can tell him that he's not crying because of you, and he must be thinking about something else? You've done enough!"

Another thing that happens because of this sensitivity – celebrities will say something, voice their opinions, sensitive people freak out and less than TEN MINUTES later, said celebrity is apologizing. Happens time and time again. Lead singer of Green Day freaked out on stage because he thought he was being lit early, broke his guitar and pretty much apologized as he was coming off because others were upset by it.

"Hey! We don't think you breaking your guitar was right!"

"...You're right. I apologize. I'm currently still breaking my guitar, but I apologize. I will finish destroying this thing, and my God, I'm sorry about that."

Stevie Nicks said that she thinks Nicki Minaj should strangle Mariah Carey. People got upset, she apologized. Who the hell cares what Stevie Nicks says? Who cares if Nicki chokes Mariah? Why the hell does any of this matter? It matters because people are crazy sensitive and actual thoughts cannot be stated.

"She should be punched in the face!"

"That is offensive to me, the faceless masses!"

"Oh, well, you're right. I take it back. Thirty seconds ago I was really going through something. Now, though? I'm fine. Thank you, and I DEEPLY regret my words."

It seems sometimes that people go out of their way to be offended. People leave their houses, trying to find something to be upset about. 

"Hmmm. A poster about cat food. Off the top, I'm not at all upset about this, but I'm sure if I scrutinize it, I can find something. 'Feed Your Kitty Something Pretty'. Hmmm. Nothing there. The cat is standing, staring at me. That seems to be oka... wait! Cats don't stand, they lay down! This gives an unrealistic view of what cats do. What if someone has never had a cat, sees this and thinks that all they do is play all day? No! This cannot stand! I'm upset!"

People are so sensitive now; they'll get offended on behalf of someone else, even when the thoughts are justified.

"My roommate was masturbating with his door open! That's insane! I have to kick him out."

"Kick him out? Come on, man. Isn't that a little harsh? Maybe he's going through some stuff."

"Going through some stuff? Well add 'Roommate Wanted Lists' to what he's going through. He's out!"

"I just think public masturbation is a cry for help."

"...Didn't you say yesterday that you hated this guy and that you wished he fell into a tire fire?"

"Yeah, and I do. But kicked out? That's too far."

You can't say really anything without offending someone. Nothing. But people still try to have opinions, while also trying to appease everyone.

"Look, I'm just saying that show is complete trash. No disrespect to the writers, actors, director, lighting guys, production team or the network that plays it, but it's HORRIBLE. I mean, I think all of these people are probably talented, but they deserve to die. No offence, but man, just terrible. My thoughts are with their families."

How the hell can you do that? How can you have a negative opinion about a group but then say, "No disrespect." When did that change anyway? There was a time when you WANTED to disrespect.

"Hey, full disrespect here. You chew your food like a sick camel."

"Ouch. That hurts. Didn't you mean, 'No disrespect'? That way, it's just harmless criticism and allows me the decision to alter what I'm doing or keep it the way that it is."

"Oh, I know that. That's why I said full disrespect. You need to know this. You chew like all of your teeth are kicking."

"...Like all of your teeth are kicking... no disrespect?"

"Full, man. Full."

Movies come out and people get offended. What, do you want these people to run by their projects with you before they make it? They have to ask everyone on the planet what they think of it and if it's offensive? If that were how things worked, nothing would EVER get made. Nothing. Ever. Nowhere.

"Oh, see. I liked it here until he killed his wife. I just don't think that's right. I mean, why would he do that?"

"The movie's called 'He Kills His Wife'! It's a major plot point!"

"Well, I just don't think it's needed. Couldn't he just sit her down and talk out their problems? That's what me and Gerry would do."

"She sold him out to the mob for fifteen thousand dollars! Would Gerry ever do that to you?"

"Oh, heavens no. And if he did, I'd kill him."

People are so sensitive they can read a tweet, be offended by it and want the person who wrote it fired. Fired! For a 140-character thought. Get out!

"Wow! He said he doesn't like gay people. He has no control in this world, he doesn't run a cult, nobody is willing to die for him, he's not a president, CEO, owner of anything, but I don't think he's allowed to say what's on his mind. Fire this man! Light this man on fire! He deserves all of the bad that comes his way!"

It's funny that a man's intolerance is met with no tolerance whatsoever. We're sensitive to the words they use, but not sensitive to the punishment that should happen to them.

How do people think they can actually walk around the earth and not be offended? What puts you at that level that nothing in this world should ever rub you the wrong way?

"Sexually suggestive rap music? How the hell did this get in front of me?! Does this clothing store not know that I'm the Assistant Manager to the cashiers of TD Bank? I don't need this garbage in my life! I want people to think I'm sophisticated!"

I'm not offended by much, and when I say that, I mean that I don't get offended by things most people are offended by. You know what offends me? No swearing in horror movies. People coming to a dead stop while they are walking down a busy street. The ads in New York that tell people not to let the mayor tell them how much pop to drink. Okay, so don't listen to the mayor. Listen to the company that makes money when you buy more of this trash. If you want to be 'free', bring your own container. Don't let anyone pick a size for you!

"Will that be small, medium or large?"

"Actually, the bed of my Ford F-150. No kid who can sweat through a wool coat is going to tell me what to drink out of. I'll pull around back. And put my fries in this shoe box while you're at it."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh