January. Worst month of the year.

People might disagree with this. People might say it's February. People might say it's November. Maybe you hate Christmas and Hanukkah to such a degree that you hate December. Maybe you just can't stand goodbyes.

"Nooo! I was loving this year. Why does it have to end? Can't we just hold off for a bit? Can we take a poll and see what others think? Let's keep this year going! I don't want you, January! I'm going to count up during the countdown. Keep this year going!"

January, though, is the worst month of the year. Here are some reasons why that is so.

It's the first month of the year, which really just makes it the year's Monday. It's a Monday as well that starts on a cold, snowy day. Not all Mondays are cold. But on some, you have to warm up the car, you don't want to get out of bed, it's dark when you go to work and it's dark when you get home.

"Just woke up and it's dark as hell. I probably have some time before I have to get up. It's gotta be about four in the morning. Seven thirty! What?! I'm late! Ahhh, it's freezing out there! Everything here feels bad!"

Those Mondays are awful. And that's January. January is one straight month of that day. It's a thirty-one day Monday.

Another reason it's the worst month? There is nothing in it at all to look forward to. Nothing. November? Not too much in itself, but it means Holidays are coming. December? Christmas and New Year's. February? It's cold, yes, but it's not that long. Plus, March is around the corner and that's when things start to be good again. January? Nothing. January is cold, dark, sucks and leads right into another bad month. It is garbage followed by garbage! January is an episode of Yes, Dear that leads into Two and a Half Men.

"What's on tonight?"

"Yes, Dear followed by Two and a Half Men."

"Wooooo. I really don't think I can deal with that without getting some vitamin D. Want to shut it off until September?"

It's a month that almost forces you to take naps, and then changes its look entirely when you do so. January puts you to bed at 3pm, and you wake up an hour later, it looks like it's a completely new year.

"What the hell? I went to sleep when the sun was up and now it looks like Skynet has become self aware out there. Where's John Connor? Am I too late? Am I a member of the resistance? I'll be back, bed. I have to figure this out!"

Usually, January starts on a hangover. It starts that way! It starts after the last year's big party. The first glimpse you have of January is with a pounding headache, the taste of cigarettes in your mouth and a craving for a McGriddle and ice cream.

"Oh, man. Happy New Year, huh? Let's do it, January! I'm starting this one off right. I can't find my shoes, I dropped my phone in a toilet and I don't think I left my keys in a cab, I'm pretty sure the driver stole them. Just took them! What is he going to do with my keys?"

January starts after a night that is always over-hyped – New Year's Eve. It is never as great as people say it's going to be. Lines are crazy long. It's expensive to get into places that then have no room for you to be in anyway. Drinks are watered down. Girls are crying all over the place. Men are fighting for no reason. People try to dress as if it's hotter than it is. Places have DJs who think they are more important than the countdown.

"Hey, when is the countdown?"

"Oh, that happened. We didn't do it, though; because I had to say "DJ Bag of Shit is in the building" over a Madonna mash up thirteen times. Happy New Year."

The first two hours into January is usually when people start to realize that the night that was supposed to be amazing is an expensive bust, and now, even though the only thing they want to do is get home, they can't get a cab.

"Hi, can I get a cab to..."

"Hahaha. Are you serious? A cab? What, you don't think it's the busiest cab night of the year? I was picking up the phone to take it off the hook! Good luck with that."

I have never been in a warm place for January. Absolutely terrible. Twenty seven Januarys in my life, all of them frigid. There has to be places in the world where January doesn't matter. Brazil? I'm sure that January in Brazil is pretty sweet. I would love to be there for January. I'm sure people who live in warm places never hope that they could live in a cold place for January.

"January. Man, I hate this month."

"Yeah. Still hot, and STILL women walking around in thongs. Can we get something a little different? Would it kill anyone if it was cold around here for a bit?"

"I'd love to see a woman in a sweater. Just once. Never happens."

"I hear you, man... Do you find it weird that we speak English to each other and not Portuguese?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thing."

I would love to see a January that is not like living in a meat freezer with a busted light.

That's another thing. There's no sun in January. The sun is out for about four hours a day. Worst thing is – it's only out on the coldest days. The over cast, dark-as-hell days are usually the warmest.

"Whoa! Look at that sun! It's probably great out there. Let's just check the weather. Huh. That's weird. They usually have a temperature posted. All this says is 'The Sun's a Liar'. That's a strange forecast."

You get sunlight for just about no time at all. January feels the way that being kidnapped probably feels. You're walking along in the sun, and all of sudden, darkness.

"This is a pretty nice day. I'm having a go... Hey! What are you doing!? Put me down!"

"Get in that trunk! You're coming with us!" (<Slams trunk closed>)

"...Hey! What's going on!? I can't see anything in here! Well, I can't let this darkness stop me. I have stuff to do. I was on my way home to start this novel I've been putting off. Hard to do in the dark, but it'll have to do. I'm still getting things done. You hear me kidnappers?! I'M STILL GETTING THINGS DONE!"

I am willing to bet that no feel-good movies or songs are written in January. Think Good Burger was written in January? Probably not. This is the month where the Requiem For A Dreams, the Schindlers Lists and the He Stopped Loving Her Todays are written.

"I feel like writing a nice, fun song. I'll look outside for some inspiration. Hmmm. Looks like the Grim Reaper's dick out there. This doesn't make me think of anything positive. This reminds of the time I saw that dog get hit by a rogue hot pretzel cart. All right, well this isn't going to be a song they can play at the beach."

There's no way that there are artists in the North West Territories or Antarctica who come up with any sunny, positive stuff. No way. I bet every piece of writing is about or to the sun.

"Thanks for coming, everyone. This is a poem entitled 'Sun, You Rhyme with Gun, Which I Could Use to End This Whole Damn Thing'. Dear Sun. Please come back. It has been dark for eight months. Eight months, sir Sun. Could you even kinda understand what that would be like? Okay, look. If you're not going to come back, could you send a U-Haul to this desolate wasteland? Please, Sun! I can't live like this anymore. Yesterday I brushed my teeth with a fork. You get delirious when you don't get vitamin D! My gums are cut to hell! Please, Sun! Please!"

(<Light Applause>)

"It doesn't really rhyme, but I FEEL him."

Another reason it is terrible? It has the most depressing day of the year in it. The third Monday of January is regarded as the most depressing day of the year. It actually has the highest suicide rate of any other day of the year. Did you read that?! The highest suicide rate! That's the big holiday to look forward to in January. Highest suicide rate day.

"Did you get your wife anything for the most depressing day of the year?"

"It's being delivered Monday. It's about two hundred and forty pounds and will be hanging by a Monster Cable cord from a beam in the garage."

"Ooooo. Sounds expensive."

"Not really. It had a lot of potential in high school, but now it's worth about thirty-five grand a year. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of goodbyes to write."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

What is Anderson Cooper trying to do?

When I first saw Anderson Cooper, he didn't have a smirk on his face. He was talking about the Iraq War. He was talking about a huge world event on CNN, which is supposed to be a trusted news network, telling me it in a trustworthy newscaster way.

"Hello, this is a very serious topic I'm discussing in a very serious and professional way. There is no way you could watch this and think that I could giggle at will."

The last time I saw Anderson Cooper? He was having his business stared at by Kathy Griffin on New Year's Eve.

"Hello, you are staring at my package. There is no way that I cannot giggle at this. I am about to commence now. Here goes. Giggling."

I can say that I truly do not understand Anderson Cooper. What is this man about? Is he someone who can just fit into any role that he's put into? Is he someone who wants to express every side of himself on TV? Is he a man who, due to his family ties to very wealthy people, wants to show the world that he doesn't need that security and is quite capable of doing anything he wants on his own? I do not know. And I do not have anything against him, I just don't understand him.

Anderson Cooper's CNN show, AC360, is a very serious news program. It's not a show you would watch if you were looking for laughs.

"Honey, I feel like watching something upbeat. Do you want to toss on Anderson 360? I hear tonight he's talking about women's rights in India. Always a laugh riot, this guy."

For ten years now we have seen him in this role. For ten years we thought we knew about Anderson Cooper. He was a man who cared about the world. A man who went to the Middle East, Africa, and Haiti, where he was shown on camera carrying a bloody child out of rubble. We had a pretty good idea about him.

"You know, I trust this guy. He went to Iraq and personally reported the news. He didn't sit in an office. He went to the action! There's no WAY that he would have a daytime show where he gives away Pringles. No way!"

But then that man's worst fears came true. Anderson Cooper started to host his own daytime talk show, Anderson Live, and sometimes, gave the audience Pringles.  His show at night was about real world events, and on his daytime talk show he was asking ditzy celebrities what THEY think about world problems!

"Thanks for coming, Snooki. What do you think about the gun control situation?"

"Glad you asked. Do you like my hair?"

"...Yes. It's very nice. Back to guns. What do you think should be done?"

"I have a blower dryer that I call my 'dry hair' gun, so I guess, sometimes I'm for them. But the bad kind? The bang bang kind? No."

I have nothing against Snooki, but you don't ask her about world issues when you yourself know about world issues! Ask her about dogs. Ask her about tanning. Ask her about becoming a mom, or breaking nails, or things to do with your hair or shoes! But DON'T ask her about the fiscal cliff!

This starts to explain why I do not understand this man. Does he want us to think he's smart? Does he want to be a cast member on a reality show? At night he's giving facts about the poverty in the world, in the morning he's co-hosting with a cast member of Jersey Shore, and telling us about a tanning salon they went to together.

"We went tanning. We're friends. My tan didn't take, but still, we had a good time. At one point, I squirted tanning oil into Snooki's hair and she was all, 'No! Why would you do that Ande..."

"Anderson! You're on your nighttime show! You are patched in live with a Saudi prince and you are supposed to be discussing oil!"

"You… went tanning? Is Snooki a talking beverage? I am a very busy Saudi prince. I have no time for this!"

"Sir, please! Would you like some Pringles?"

He was, at one point, a host on a reality show. He used to host 'The Mole'. USED to. Then he started telling us about the news, and actually going to do something about it. You can't go back after that. You stepped up. You can't go back! Cal Ripken can't get his old job back at a gas station.

"Holy hell! Cal Ripken! What are you doing here?"

"Hello. One, I'm here to buy gas. Two, are you hiring?"

"Hiring? Are you nuts? You're a millionaire!"

"Don't worry about me, all right, kid? I want my job back. I'm sure you've heard, I have a great record for showing up. I won't miss a day."

What is the next career move for this man? A very serious news program. Followed by a Rosie O'Donnell rip off from the 90s. Next? Maybe he'll try to get on a 2 Chainz song.

"She got a big booty, so I call her big booty. 2 Chainz!"

"AC in the building! I go in 360 degrees, that's called a circle. On my daytime talk show, I act like Urkel. I've given aid to Africa, the Middle East. And I've been on TV talking about cheese!"

"2… Wait! You can't actually rhyme on this song. That ain't 2 Chainz. That's 2lames. This is swag rap. The idea here is to just look cool. You got it?"

"Yo, 2 Chainz. I don't want to disturb you, but that last sentence right there? Sounded tight as hell on the beat! You got anymore of that fire?"

Anderson Cooper came out last year and announced that he was gay. That is fantastic, but it seems since that time that he has done some of the things that makes me not understand him. That is around the time that he started to interview dumb people about stupid things. Was straight Anderson Cooper the smart one? Did he care more about using his brain? Then when he came out as gay he decided that he needed to be a little less serious?

"Guys, look. I just came out, okay? I can't be doing this 'save the world' type of journalism all the time! I need to lighten up a little! Any ideas?"

"You could wear more colorful ties?"

"I don't haaate it. Anything else?"

"Uh, you could get people who really wanted to be in Ellen's audience but couldn't to sit in front of you while you hand out Christmas trinkets?"

"Whoa! That's amazing! How can we get Ellen's audience leftovers, though? She's in LA."

"Are you kidding? We're near Times Square. Go there and say, 'Who wants a free t-shirt?!' All the women who scream, there's your audience."

Anderson then went to the daytime show and it was cancelled shortly thereafter. How come? Could it possibly be because people who remember him from his late show, and were fans, didn't necessarily want to see him on a show where he is supposed to be the male version of Ellen? Nobody watches Ellen and thinks the opposite for her.

"You know, I really like her here. She's perfect! She's funny, charming, she dances. Makes everyone happy. I would love to see her in Kosovo interviewing a child who was just hit by a missile. Call me crazy, but I would love to see it."

And of course they don't want to see that! We get pretty used to seeing people do what it is they do. Does anyone want to see Charlie Rose doing cartwheels on daytime TV? Or James Lipton doing wacky breakfast television games? We looking for Wolf Blitzer to start judging America's Got Talent? This is neither good nor bad, but I do not understand Anderson Cooper.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Every movie has to be two and a half hours?

I remember a time when some movies were an hour and a half. If a movie was two and a half hours, it was usually because the acting was great, it was about a true event, and it was going to be nominated for an Oscar. Now? There's barely a movie that gets made that isn't as long as it takes to cook a pot roast.

"How long should I cook this turkey?"

"Toss Spiderman 3 on. When that's done, throw it out the window and never bring it into this house again. Also, that turkey will be done."

Some movies need to be two and a half hours. Movies about true events where the details and the story are crucial. They could have made Chaplin an hour and a half, but it was about a man's life. Hard to knock out details.

"I want to make movies! That's what I want to do!"

"Okay. Nobody's stopping you. Start making movies!"

"All right, I will!"

'And Charlie made movies. Very popular movies. He was banned from America for some stuff. The end.'

But there are a lot of movies that do not have to be this long.

For example, comedy movies. Why the hell do comedies need to be as long as Amistad? Pretty much every Judd Apatow movie is at least a half hour longer than it needs to be. They are funny, but there's a point when it's just overkill. Save some of the jokes for another movie. Funny People was one hundred and forty-six minutes. Amistad was one hundred and fifty-five. How does a comedy with Adam Sandler need to be nine minutes shy of a movie about the true story of a slave ship?

"Guys, I think I know how to stop racism. If I make a funny movie that's longer than a sad movie about slaves, I can break the curse."

"...What curse?"

"The curse of racism. It's only stuck around because of these long movies. Wait! I have to make this movie longer than Roots! THAT'S where the power of the curse lies! Get the writers back. We need to make this eight hours long. This curse will be destroyed!"

Even comedies that are fantastic don't need to be that long. Dumb and Dumber. That movie is crazy funny. It's one hundred and seven minutes long. And in that one hundred and seven minutes, I was given all of the information and jokes I needed to enjoy that movie. What's missing from it? Would it have been better if there were another forty-five minutes in it?

"That movie was great! It was funny and has one of the best endings ever. But… what happens to them when they walk away from the Hawaiian Tropic bus? Do they get jobs in the next town? Do they ever find love? Does Harry grow out of that ridiculous haircut? So many unanswered questions. I really wish it were longer."

Over the last few years, why have movies started to become so long? Were people complaining that they didn't have enough time to sit in the theatre chairs that lean back?

"Man, JUST when I get my chair leaned into the perfect position, the movie's over. I swear, Hollywood, stop cutting these off as soon as I get comfortable. Or maybe I should learn to get comfortable sooner. Nope, Hollywood's fault."

Were people upset that they didn't have the chance to stay in a building that charges $5.50 for bottled water? Was there a vote taken that people were upset that they weren't given enough time to finish the monstrous Coca Cola slushies and popcorn that they buy?

"Whoa, this is great. I really like thi... credits? What the hell?! I JUST spiked this slushie for the fourth time. Where am I gonna drink this now? In an alley? And how am I going to finish this tub of popcorn! I can't carry this home on the subway with me. I can't have people knowing I eat this much to myself! It has to be eaten in a dark room like everything else that is shameful. Man. They have to start making these longer."

Have they started making every movie long because of the price increase of the movies? Do they feel they owe us more because movies are fifteen dollars now?

"Look, we can't charge fifteen bucks and only give them an hour and a half of movie."

"What if the movie is really good? They'll probably leave with a beautiful feeling and tell everyone to go see it. If we just make it longer for the sake of making it longer, we'll bore them and they won't tell anyone to see it!"

"Answer me this. When have you ever paid fifteen dollars and not stayed in that place for two and a half hours?"

"Buying socks, picking up fruit, eating an upsized Big Mac meal, getting pants hemmed. How many of these do you want me to name?"

"That's enough. Now, if you had bought socks and could sit down and try them on for two and a half hours in a dark room with OTHER people who are doing the same thing, wouldn't you feel that you got your money's worth?"

"...No! There honestly couldn't be anything I can think of that would be worse. Why would anyone want to do that?"

"Because while you do that you can watch Tom Cruise do stuff! Drive cars. Blow things up. Do you see?!"

"...I... can't...I can't even... I have to leave."

Are movies longer now because most that come out are really bad? Is that it? There are some good movies coming out for sure, but there are a LOT of bad ones as well that still don't pull out at the hour and a half mark.

"All right, the movie is done and edited, and let me tell you – it stinks."

"What's wrong with it?"

"The story, the actors, the editing. The last one is my fault, but when you see a story and actors that are this bad, you don't care about editing it well."

"Oh, man. This is bad. People are going to hate it… I know! We'll make it longer, so they don't feel like they are getting ripped off!"

"...Whoa! I love that idea! How can you complain something was bad if you get a lot of it? It's like if you complain about your two-piece at KFC, and they give you six more pieces! The other six are still trash, but it's MORE OF THEM!"

"Exactly. So throw it all in. Continuity errors, boom mics in the shot, flubbed lines. We'll keep them in the theatre so long, they'll love it!"

The two and a half hour movie is becoming such a staple that soon people will probably be upset if theirs isn't that long.

"How was the movie?"

"Total rip! It was only an hour and forty minutes. Great movie, but come on? I mean, I paid for a babysitter! She's just gonna make thirty bucks for two hours of work?"

"...I'm the babysitter. You are talking to me."

"...Oh ...Yeah. Sorry. Do you mind if I give you the thirty next week? I bought Milk Duds... You want a Milk Dud?"

When is this long trend going to catch on with TV? I'm waiting for half hour sitcoms to become marathons.

"Did you see The Big Bang Theory last night?"

"Are you serious? I don't have a spare hour and a half."

"Man, it was a good one. The gang lost their apartment, got it back, beat ALL of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ON CAMERA, AND lost all of their virginities with a duration of five minutes each. It was epic. Took them an hour alone to get out of the water temple. With commercials! Just amazing."

Most movies do not need to be this long at all. We don't spend this much time on other things that are interesting. People can get through a zoo in less than two and a half hours. A zoo! A place that has beautiful, exotic, live animals. We can get all that we need out of that place in about an hour.

"Huh, look at that. A rhino. Never saw that before... All right, we ready to go home?"

Twitter@nathanmacintosh