Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Blowing your nose in public. No.

There are many things that are frowned upon to do in public. Scratching your business. Spitting. Reading People Magazine.
"Oh… my... God... Is that woman looking at a Best and Worst Dressed List? Ugh. I think I'm gonna throw up."
Honestly, I cannot understand why blowing your nose is not one of those things. Since I was a kid, it has been something that has always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't think it was a traumatic experience, but it could have been.
"Happy tenth birthday, Nathan! Blow out your candles!"
<Nose blowing>
"Uncle Jim!?"
"Ah, God. Sorry, Nathan. You'll be happy to know that I wished for this cold to go away. I blew out all ten, so I hope it comes true."
I have never liked it, though, and I can't understand why we let it happen out there.

Seriously, how did blowing your nose get above cleaning your ears as something you're allowed to do in public? How? If you see someone with a Q-tip in their ear on a bus, you think they're disgusting.
"Wow. You couldn't do that at home, you piece of garbage? I bet you harass women. Yeah, keep cleaning your ears as if you can't hear me say this all in my head while I stare at you and pretend to read this paper. KEEP CLEANING!"
When people clean their ears, would you even know that it was happening if you weren't staring at them? Cleaning your ears doesn't make any noise. For sure not a noise that is used for comedic effect in movies like 'Must Love Dogs'.
"So, Susan, where did you say you went to school?"
(<Nose blowing>)
"Huh. Never heard of it. Is that an elephant sanctuary?"
"No... agh... I went to (<nose blowing>)"
"Huh? That's a weird school chant. Must be hard to yell during games. I went to Alabama. Roll damn tide!"

Another thing you can't do in public? Floss or brush your teeth. If you see someone flossing their teeth in public, you assume that they just got a divorce.
"Man. Poor guy. Do you think he got to keep the house?"
"He's picking his teeth with a newspaper he found on the seat beside him. Safe to say, probably not."
"Do you think his kids hate him?"
"He's picking his teeth with the business section. He hates him."
You can't brush your teeth in public. We would look at someone crazier for doing that in public than blowing his or her nose. Does that make sense?
"Is that guy cleaning his mouth? Wow. If that's not Alec Baldwin, that guy is a piece of trash. Did this guy at the table beside me just blow some of his brain onto a Chipotle receipt? Bless him. Bless him and his nose blowing ways. Hey, tooth-brusher! Take that to an alley, you animal! My kids are here, for God's sake!"

We don't like people cutting their nails in public. Why? Is it because it's gross that a piece of their body could fly all over the place? Yeah? That's the same as blowing your nose! Oh, wait. People blow their nose into a gross piece of tissue paper that they keep in their pocket. That's what makes it okay, right? What if someone cut his or her nails in public under a napkin? Would it be okay then?
"Ummm, why are you taking your shoes off?"
"Man, one of these nails is driving me crazy! Don't worry. I'm gonna clip into this Applebee's serviette. I mean, I'm not a maniac or anything! (<Clip>) Aren't you going to say 'bless you'? I can't believe how some people can be so rude. Enjoy the rest of your day, non-bless-you person... Can you pass me that shoe?"

If you are going to do it, it should never happen beside strangers on crowded public transportation. Beside people you don't know? There's too much that can go wrong.
"Well, I'm really jammed in here. There's a person directly beside me and this guy is almost on my lap. As good a time as any to clear my nasal passages."
<Nose blowing>
"Sorry about that. I had no idea that the tissue would rip and spray all over your work pants."
"Don't worry about it, man. Since we as a society deemed blowing your nose in public okay, I'm sure it doesn't carry any bacteria. Feel better soon, and if you want, next time? Just blow your nose right on my pants."
"Thank you, kind sir."
"Oh, please. Thank you for giving me the ability to say 'bless you'. I'm now a mini hero."
What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a member of the mob? A Lohan? Why is this something you feel is okay? You would think it was only done by diplomats.
"Hello, sir. Welcome to America. Park anywhere you would like to."
"Thank you. I was also told by your president that I can shoot mucus from my face in public if I so choose."
"Oh yeah? I'm allowed to do that. Am I a diplomat?"
"Can you kill anyone you want and get away with it?"
"...No. No I can't."
"Bless you."

I've only heard one argument as to why people should blow their nose in public.
"I'd rather someone blow their nose than have to see snot on their face."
Why the hell are you hanging out with people who have no idea what is happening with their face?
"You know, I just don't think people take me seriously?"
"Yeah... about that. Look, I didn't want to say anything, but you've had a thin film of mucus on your face for the last fifteen years. I'm cool with it, but others? I mean, you know."
"I have?" (<Touches face for the first time in fifteen years>) 
"I have! Oh, man. I had no idea. I've gone on dates! I've been to funerals! People must have thought I'm insane!"
"Or just a homeless person who has lost their mind due to not having everyday conversations. Either way, now you know."
Who do you know like this? Are you having really deep conversations with children?
"I just don't know if I can take out a second mortgage, you know? There's got to be a better way."
"Give me blocks! I want juice! Where are my pants?!"
"Exactly. Who's going to give ME blocks? At least I know where my pants are."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh
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