Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

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http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

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The Pope. He's out!


The pope has retired. He is the first pope in six hundred years to step down. It's a job that you are supposed to die at. Die. You are supposed to be the pope until you die. And that's actually die. Drop dead. Not just lose your soul, ability to feel and love after working in a call center day after day, after day.
"I think I need out of this job. I've been answering the phone here and getting yelled at for eight straight years now. I honestly don't know if I have any emotions left."
"Dead inside, huh? I hear ya. There's no getting out of here that way, though. They actually like it if you are without a soul anymore. Makes you a more efficient worker. Actually, you could get a promotion!"
"If they give me a promotion, I'm promoting myself all the way to hell."
You are supposed to die as pope while driving around in the pope-mobile feebly waving at people who believe in you, or kick the bucket while saying that gays are ruining the world.
"And God said... agh! My heart! It must be some queer clogging up my arteries. You killed me, gays! You did!"
But this pope has just said that he "doesn't feel up to it." That seems like a pretty holy thing to say. "Agh, don't feel like it." In a job that you are supposed to die doing, how can you resign? Wouldn't resigning from a job you are supposed to die in be killing yourself?
"I'm resigning as a father."
"You're a father no matter what you do. You'll be a good one or a bad one. How the hell are you going to resign?"
"I don't know. Rope. Running my car in the garage. A rusty coke can. I haven't decided yet, but I'm resigning."

What is the procedure to pick a new pope? Voting? A secret ballot system? Maybe there should be an American Idol type contest.
"Last week, we saw Xavier XVL put on the pope mitre in just forty five seconds. This week? Can he pretend to not see this priest touch this young boy? We'll soon find out and then throw the voting to you!"
In order for there to be a new pope, the preceding pope usually has to have died. The pope is sort of like the Highlander. There can only be one. Assuming the other pope is dead, a bunch of cardinals sit in a room, then they and God vote on the next pope. Yes, God. This is paraphrasing, but this is what I could find. God decides on the next pope, but I guess just because they would get bored sitting there waiting for God, the cardinals fill out ballots to vote.
"So, what, we just sit here until he decides?"
"Yes. He'll give us a sign."
"Ah, man. Well, can we do something until then? Cards? Dominoes? You wanna know who I like for pope? I was thinking that Celestine would be pretty good."
"Pretty good?"
"Yeah. He's old. He's white. He looks good in a blanket. He can wave. I think he's got it."

I don't truly understand this man. He's God's right hand man? He was chosen to be the head of the Catholic Church because he sees God more than the next guy?
"God came to me three times yesterday."
"Only three? I slept with him, then we made eggs in the morning."
"...Huh. Well, I guess you get the hat."
Apparently, the pope is the pastor of the universal church. You know, if you went to Mars and wanted to go repent? The pope is the pastor of the church on that surface as well.
"Took me a long time to get here! Does the pope ever come by?"
"...He's eighty-five. Do you really think he has it in him to travel through space? I'm assuming one of your sins is mocking the pope."
"...Yes, father."

This pope had a pretty intense Christmas message this year. Along with other things, he said that, "Gay marriage was a threat to humanity and world peace." Not only is this over the top, this is also a very long Christmas message. 'Merry Christmas'. 'Happy Holidays'. Those are my ideas of Christmas messages. You're supposed to say the pope's message to a cashier after you buy something?
"Here's your change, sir. Have a good day."
"Thank you. Gays are a threat to humanity and world peace!"
"...I'm really happy you are on your way out."
A message to the world at Christmas time shouldn't be something that is in a hate group's manifesto. Maybe one day they'll change their minds about gay people the same way they changed their minds about condoms and purgatory.
"You know what? I now think gay people are good. To show them I mean it, I'm going to bedazzle this hat even more!"

The pope doesn't like gay people but dresses as if he does. Has he ever noticed the gaudy things that he wears? Not that gay people would wear any of it, but I mean – straight men for sure wouldn't either.
"I couldn't find my jersey for the game tonight, so I just wrote 'Go Devils' on this sheet."
"...Are you going to wear the jeweled scarf too? And the tall embroidered hat?"
"Yeah! Doesn't it bring the whole outfit together? Weird question, but can you put my shoes on for me? I can't see my feet in this thing."
How could he not like gay people but then wear things that look like he fell through a drag queen's thrift store? It seems the more outlandish you dress the more power you seem to have. The pope, Lady Gaga, Prince. Nobody wearing a plaid shirt is going to command the same amount of power.
"I believe that we should all worship the trees."
"Are you wearing a shirt that I could buy at H&M?"
"Yeah. So? What does that have to do wit..."
"Let's stop following this guy!"

The pope shouldn't be thought of as holy. He didn't fall out of the sky. He's just a regular man who was put in that position. If the next pope falls out of the sky, THAT guy should be revered.
"Hey, guys. I'm here."
"Whoa! Did you just fall from the sky?!"
<ZAP>
"Anybody else want to be vaporized for asking stupid questions?"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh
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