Coca Cola/Soda Pop. Open Happiness?

Coca Cola is something we all have had. Since we were kids, it's been something we have wanted to drink, something that has been shown to us on TV, and something we have craved for reasons we don't even know. We've all had it as kids, unless you had parents who didn't have it around at all.

"Kevin! Get that out of the house! Now eat this eggplant and drink this tomato juice."

"But mom! The other kids are all drinking Coke!"

"There are no other kids, Kevin! We live in the woods and I homeschool you!"

The reason I am only really talking about Coca Cola is because they are the biggest company. Even when Pepsi does advertise, their entire campaign is always just, "We taste better than Coke." I mean all pop/soda in general, but Coca Cola has to be one of the worst things that this planet has ever seen as far as human health goes.

Coca Cola’s slogan does not represent that, though. What do they go with? What is the beautiful marketing campaign that they decide to throw on the world? 

"Open Happiness."

Happiness. Open happiness! The gall! The arrogance! How are best friends, anti-depression pills and therapists still in existence when happiness is just a plastic bottle away?

"Ya know, I just can't seem to not be depressed. I was fired from my job because I was spending too much time with my wife. Then, my wife left me for my job. No joke. She is now sleeping with my copy-editing job. You believe that? I'm just so sad."

"Unhappy, huh? Well, open this Coca Cola. You will literally be opening happiness."

"Oh, wow! I feel great! Joy is surging through me! This is amazing! Is this as expensive as you are?"

"God, no, actually waaaaaay cheaper. I am two hundred an hour. The Coca Cola is one dollar."

"One dollar! Holy hell! You're fired! Thanks, 'wife-left-me-for-my-job' forgetting-liquid!"

"...I have to stop telling people about Coke BEFORE I get paid. Oh well, I'll just have a sip... yep, I'm back! Happiness right here!"

You ever see someone pushing a cart full of two liter Cokes? How happy does that guy look? Sweating and panting through an air-conditioned grocery store pushing something that's on wheels. Look how happy he is! He should be in the commercials!

"Ah, I am the happiest person <inhales puffer> on the planet. I have twelve bottles of… <takes insulin needle> Agh! Twelve bottle of Coca Cola, and I couldn't be happier. You should all buy... " <Collapses on the floor. Doctors run in.>

"He's not breathing!"

"Get me a defibrillator!"

"Clear!"

<Doctors put the defibrillator to his chest. Man is jarred awake.>

"...Agh! Should all buy Coke! I know I'll keep doing it! Open Hap..." <Man passes back out.>

"That's it, we've lost him."

Voice Over: "Open Happiness!"

Coke knows, though, that that guy won't sell product, so what do they do? Beautiful women are shown drinking Coke. Cute kids are shown drinking Coke. Or – even better than that – polar bears! That is an ingenious way of marketing.

"Wait, we can't show HUMANS drinking this. Are you serious? It's terrible!"

"All right, all right. What about an animal drinking it!? People love animals! What about... polar bears?"

"Are you insane? Polar bears are going extinct! We can't give them carbonation. That'll be it for them!"

"Oh, you're right. People will never buy our product if we're killing polar bears with it. Wait! I got it! How about computer-generated polar bears?"

"...Wow. Now THAT'S why you were voted Most Evil at the Annual Billionaire Awards."

"That and kicking baby seals... hahhaha!"

"HAHAHHAH!"

Coke Cola is a 'Proud Sponsor of the Olympics'. The Olympics! Ahead of broccoli and water? Coke! A commercial will show a guy just crush a hundred meter dash, beating his previous record, then drink Coke. As soon as that commercial is done, you know his trainer is screaming.

"Spit that garbage out! Are you crazy!? We have a real race tomorrow!"

A baseball league full of ten year olds can run on Coke. An Olympic athlete? Not one trainer would have that as part of a regimen.

"What are we doing today, coach?"

"Couple of laps, few sit ups, and polish off that two liter."

"Umm... you know we're competing against pros, not Joes, right?"

"Do you know that I'M the trainer? DRINK THAT HAPPY COKE!"

Coca Cola also likes to go on about how refreshing it is. There is no way someone can tell me that Coca Cola is 'refreshing'. Refreshing? No way. Has anyone ever finished a marathon and reached for a Coke?

"Oh, God. I never thought that race would be over. My mouth is so dry. Where is one of the most sugary, carbonated beverages in the land to help quell this thirst?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I said 'my mouth is dry'. I need refreshment. REFRESHMENT. What would you suggest if not a black liquid for such a predicament?"

"...Water? Or even Coke’s cousin..."

"THERE'S NO SUGAR IN WATER! REFRESHMENT!"

Coca Cola is cheaper than drugs and just about as addictive. The government decided that cigarettes were no good for adults or children for that reason. Way too addictive and easily obtained by people. What did they do? Put them behind a cabinet.

"If people can't see them, they won't want them!"

"Hey, can I have some cigarettes? I can't see them, but I'm addicted and therefore know they exist."

Coca Cola should be in a cabinet, too. It'll kill people! If we can't sell cigarettes to people without ID for fear it would hurt their health, we should have to check people’s medical history before they can buy Coke.

"What's behind that cabinet, sir?"

"Coke... if you want one, I'm gonna have to see your medical history."

"Here you go. <cough cough>"

"Says here you constantly have headaches and have trouble walking. Come on, buddy. Don't worry about what's back there. Can't help you."

I will never let my kids drink Coca Cola. When I have a kid one day, if I see them drinking one, I will boot the Coke out of their hand.

"Oww. Dad! Why did you do that?"

"You'll thank me when you can still breathe correctly at forty-two."

Coke profits by hurting and capitalizing on poor people. Do you think the people in charge of Coke are drinking Coke? Do you think rich people are drinking Coke? 
"Can you pick me up a Coke when you're in the Louis Vuitton store?"

"A Louis Vuitton Coke?"

"They have those!?"

"Oh, I hope so! I just got myself excited!"

I know that people will say, "If you don't like it, don't drink it." I don't, but that's not the point. People will also say, "Well, of course it's bad for us. If you drink a lot and get sick, that's your problem. Stop drinking it!" Why has Coke and things that are bad for us been able to make people who have no stake in the company defend them? Why always, "Stop drinking it, tubby!" Why aren’t there more arguments of, "Coke’s the problem. Let's burn the factory down! There is nothing good about it!" I can't be mad that poor, unhappy people buy a product that is marketed directly to them and sold at a price that is lower than dirt. I can however be mad at the company that makes it. 

Twitter- @nathanmacintosh

Points and point cards.

Collecting points has become a staple in how we live our lives. Cashiers everywhere will ask you if you have your points card.

"Do you have your card? Don't forget your points. You could have earned points for that! I'LL HOLD ONTO THEM FOR YOU!"

People lose their minds over these points as well. People get excited about their points even if they don't have any actual money.

"I have three hundred thousand points on my Slurpee card! I can finally get a free Big Gulp!"

"That's pretty cool."

"Yeah! Umm, do you mind driving me there? I don't have any money on my money points card."

"Wouldn't 'money points' just be money? And wouldn't a 'money points card' be a debit card?"

"I don't have time for this. Free Slurpee awaits!"

Just about every thing and everywhere has a point system now. Coffee shops, airlines, pharmacies, clothing stores, gas stations, book stores, credit cards. Everything! You can even get points from immigration! I bet soon there will be a hospital point system card.

"Okay, great! One more head injury and you'll have enough points for a free back operation! You almost have enough points to get a sex change, as well. Someone thinking of seeing what the other side is like?"

"Umm...I don't think so. When can I have these stitches taken out?"

"Well, right now if you want to cash in some points."

"Right now? Is that a good idea? You just put them in."

"In, out. Good medical advice, bad stitch taking out procedures, they're your points!"

You would think too that the points would somewhat correlate with money. That the amount of points you need to buy anything would be close to the amount of money needed. But is that the case? Nope. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. The amount of points you have to have before you can get anything of interest is ridiculous.

"I have thirty six hundred points! What can I get for these?"

"Well, you can have this box of toothpicks and a stick of beef jerky. Or, you can use the whole thirty six thousand to get a bag of powered donuts!"

"Oh, sweet! How much will I be saving?"

"In real money? About two dollars and seventy cents."

"That's it? But,... I have thirty six THOUSAND points."

"I know! No need to count that useless amount of "money" change. You've got all those points!"

You know that these points are useless because you can't get anything for thirty of them. You can't get much for thirty cents, but it counts. You have thirty points? Doesn't matter. Thirty points in anything else matters. ONE point in a basketball game makes a big difference. ONE point in a hockey, baseball, football game matters. One point on a points card? That won't even get you a decent greeting from the person behind the counter.

"How many Q-Tips can I get with the twenty seven points I have?"

"What?"

"I have twenty seven points? I'm wondering about Q-tips."

"...those points won't even stop the door from hitting you on the way out."

"...will you?"

"Don't try to hit on me. It's pointless. Much like yourself."

All of these point systems need cards so you can use them. All plastic cards that are the exact same as debit cards and credit cards for some reason. Wallets are now just rammed with cards that mostly can't do anything.

"That will be ten dollars."

"Okay, I'll use debit. If I can find it. Nope, these are my butcher shop, tire rotation, lawn mowing, crown replacing, crutch fixing, and pant hemming point cards. That crutch fixing card is a life saver. Twelve hundred more points and I won't have to hobble everywhere. Either way, where the hell are my cards that have actual money?"

"I don't know sir, but you just earned fifty six points on your "holding up a line" card."

"Oh, really? Sweet! Let me find that card as well."

"Yeah... can you hurry up?"

Points are usually accumulated in games that are fun. You get points in card games. You get points in video games. And you get points for buying toilet paper? That's not a good time. Unless you had to shoot through a horde of zombies to buy it, you shouldn't get points for buying toothpaste.

"Hey, how many points did I just earn?"

"One hundred."

"One hundred? Didn't you see me hit both of those zombies over the head with a Swiffer? That's got to be worth at least a thousand a piece. That one almost bit my neck! I could have been a zombie!"

"Those were elderly people, and I have called the cops."

"Good! I'm glad. They'll be able to see I should have more points for this...wait, the real cops? Or the point cops?"

Points in other games don't cost money either. You just earn them. These companies will say, "earn points every time you shop." That makes it sound as if you will get points for shopping the best. As if you shop the fastest, you will get points.

"Whoa! All of your grocery shopping done in ten minutes? That's unbelievable! That deserves a thousand points!"

"I know! I did it by pushing over all the women and children in my way. One woman was holding her baby, and I said "Get out of the way of the Triscuits!" before shoving her into her own shopping cart. I tell you, it wasn't easy."

"Good for you! You really earned this thousand. That woman you pushed is going to be deducted five hundred for not keeping her balance. Now she'll know it's for real out here."

It just goes to show how much people want things for free. We will pay to have things for free. Pay! We will pay money to eventually get the things we are buying for free. You have to pay to get these points! That's not 'earning' points. That's "I bought these damn things". And now, all you have is money that doesn't exist to buy things that you were buying with money!

"Look, I can get a free trip to Florida! I have two million points!"

"How much did that cost to get?"

"Hmm. Probably twelve trips to Florida."

"Worth it?"

"...shut up."

The term "Hater".

The last few years have really given rise to the popularity of the term hater. Nobody likes haters, and nobody wants to be called a hater. People talk about 'haters' as if they are a group of horrible, twisted, freaky people who live in the woods and eat small animals.

"Oh, no! It's a hater! Shoot it with a silver bullet! SHOOT IT!"

"I can't! If you kill a hater, that's a form of hate, so you BECOME a hater! We have to love it!"

"Love it with the bullets!"

The term hater really makes me upset. One could say that I hate it.

Famous people love to say they have haters, but it's so big now, that everyone thinks they have haters. Not just entertainers and singers, every person on the planet! Look, if you hand out menus to people when they come into your restaurant, you don't have haters.

"Ugh, you see the way she looked at me when I told her the specials? Keep hating, hater. Keep hating."

Nobody wants to take you down, they just want you to put a smile on once in awhile. I used to work at a retail store, and I asked a guy I worked with one day what he was doing.

"Just trying to dodge the haters."

You're folding t-shirts! There is nobody hating on you. Nobody is hiding behind a rack of pants watching what you're doing.

"He calls that a crease? God, I hate this guy! Twitter will hear about this."

People who constantly say that they are being hated on sound delusional. It's the same as saying other non existent things are after you.

"These haters won't leave me alone."

"Oh, yeah. I hear you. I have a similar problem with these zombies. Zombies just won't get off my damn back!"

"Zombies? Zombies don't exist."

"Yes they do. They're right there!"

"Those aren't zombies. Those are haters! The person who gave me coffee. The guy over there in the corner. The person who pumped my gas! These people all hate me! They want to BE me!"

"I hear you! These zombies really want to BITE me! Get off me, zombie! Ya can't touch me, boy!"

Where the hell are all of these magical haters that people talk about? Every rapper, mediocre actor, loser fighter, dirt bag woman beater piece of garbage will call them out when they are interviewed.

"And to all the haters out there, thank you. You help me."

Where are these haters?! These people make it seem as if there is a group of people on an island, sending beams of hate.

"Gather round, hater-nation! We need to put our powers together and take out this person who came out with a sub-par song. Hater-cons-decepti-haters, roll out! To the hater-rade hater-ray!"

All the term hater does, is take away our ability to have opinions. You can't have an opinion anymore! You used to be able to say, "this is trash", and others would say, "I like it", "I agree", or the ever popular, "why?" You used to be able to tell someone,

"I don't like what you do."

And all they could do is say,

"well, I can't win em all."

Now? That's not how it is. You can't have an opinion on anything anymore without being called a hater.

"I don't like this."

"You're just a hater."

"...Well, don't you want to know why I don't like it?"

"You asking me if I want to hear from a hater? Answers no."

Because of this, hater has become the term that untalented people can use if someone tells them what they are doing is no good. It's a scapegoat people can use instead of getting better at anything.

"I really think you need to get better at playing the guitar."

"Oh yeah? You're just a hater!"

"Umm, okay. I don't 'hate' it. I just don't think it's good. For one, you're playing it like a piano."

"Oh, now you're hating on pianos? We got a hater here!"

I'm all for being positive. I'm all for people doing what they want to do, but I can't say that everything is good when I'm asked. I have seen good things! I can't say that Terminator 4 wasn't terrible. I have seen Terminator 1 and 2! And none of this, "it was alright" garbage. There's things to compare it too! Terminator 4 was so bad, it made Terminator 3 look like The Artist. 

"And the award for Best Picture goes to...Terminator 3!"

"I'd like to thank McG for making Terminator Salvation. If he hadn't, my Terminator would have been the worst. Thank you!"

Famous people who say they have haters seem to think that people don't like them because they are successful. If that was the case, people wouldn't like any successful people. Not everyone is going to like everyone. That is just a fact. Not everyone likes Ellen. Ellen! Or Will Smith! Nothing but positive energy, and some people don't like him. By and large though, these people are loved, and are HUGELY successful. People don't not like them because of their success, they don't like them for their face, their attitude, or any other number of reasons. Some people just don't like some people.

But certain people will say, "they are just hating because I'm successful." Nope. Not at all. Floyd Mayweather says this. He is a fantastic boxer, and amazing business man, but there are still plenty of reasons to 'hate' him. He hit his girlfriend, and will not fight a man who he clearly should fight. Also, called him out on twitter? Wow. That's what men do. You know the guy at a club who is screaming, "let's do it! Let's fight!" as he is walking away? Calling a man out on twitter is the virtual equivalent of that. But, he calls people haters, and it's the end of the discussion.

Same as Chris Brown. The ONLY reason that Chris Brown is popular again is because of hater culture. In the past this wouldn't be. The world turned on Milli Vanilli for lip synching. Lip synching! Punching a woman wouldn't have flown.

"No, we didn't do it! It was just lip-punching. Fake, like our singing."

"We know lip-punches when we see them. Get them!"

Today though, you can't say anything about Chris Brown without being called a hater.

"I do not like this guy."

"Stop hating on team breezy."

"I'm not hating, I just think he's trash."

"But he can dance and sing!"

"I understand that, but he beat and bit a woman."

"Yes, and then he danced to show us how upset he was. God, stop hating. Don't you feel for what he went through?"

Also, when people talk about "what he went through", I want to puke. He didn't go through anything! HE HIT HER! We get this, right? She went through something. For him to talk about what he "went through", or for anyone to say that, is a slap in the face of human decency. Do we ask other attackers what THEY went through?

"Man, raped a girl, huh? Must be a lot to go through."

"I know! Jesus. First, people think I'M terrible! You believe that? Me! Ol' Tim "only raped one girl"Andrews. The judge was mean to me. I had to go to jail. You know you don't get your own cell? Not to mention that fact that I had to hold a woman down and take her innocence. You know how hard that is? I hope no one has to go through what I went through."

I'm sure that soon you'll be able to use hater as a defence in court. It has already reached a level between regular people that is higher than facts. One day it'll reach that level in the justice system.

"Your honour, he stole my car. I went into the store, and when I came out, he was driving it away."

"Hmm. Do you have anything to say for yourself, defendant?"

"Do I have anything to say? For sure I do. This guy is a hater!

(shocked gasps from the courtroom)

"That's right! He is hating on me because I'm faster than him AND have the ability to hot wire a car. He should congratulate me for that, not hate."

"Good point. Congratulate, plaintiff! Your car went to a better man. You're a hater. Case dismissed!"

It's always people who are questionable with their actions or talents who say they have haters. I have never heard Jim Carrey talk about haters. Why? He has talent and is pure magic. Also please, call me a hater. I will say, "I don't hate anything. But I do have an opinion."

twitter-@nathanmacintosh