Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates:

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Points and point cards.

Collecting points has become a staple in how we live our lives. Cashiers everywhere will ask you if you have your points card.
"Do you have your card? Don't forget your points. You could have earned points for that! I'LL HOLD ONTO THEM FOR YOU!"
People lose their minds over these points as well. People get excited about their points even if they don't have any actual money.
"I have three hundred thousand points on my Slurpee card! I can finally get a free Big Gulp!"
"That's pretty cool."
"Yeah! Umm, do you mind driving me there? I don't have any money on my money points card."
"Wouldn't 'money points' just be money? And wouldn't a 'money points card' be a debit card?"
"I don't have time for this. Free Slurpee awaits!"

Just about every thing and everywhere has a point system now. Coffee shops, airlines, pharmacies, clothing stores, gas stations, book stores, credit cards. Everything! You can even get points from immigration! I bet soon there will be a hospital point system card.
"Okay, great! One more head injury and you'll have enough points for a free back operation! You almost have enough points to get a sex change, as well. Someone thinking of seeing what the other side is like?"
"Umm...I don't think so. When can I have these stitches taken out?"
"Well, right now if you want to cash in some points."
"Right now? Is that a good idea? You just put them in."
"In, out. Good medical advice, bad stitch taking out procedures, they're your points!"

You would think too that the points would somewhat correlate with money. That the amount of points you need to buy anything would be close to the amount of money needed. But is that the case? Nope. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. The amount of points you have to have before you can get anything of interest is ridiculous.
"I have thirty six hundred points! What can I get for these?"
"Well, you can have this box of toothpicks and a stick of beef jerky. Or, you can use the whole thirty six thousand to get a bag of powered donuts!"
"Oh, sweet! How much will I be saving?"
"In real money? About two dollars and seventy cents."
"That's it? But,... I have thirty six THOUSAND points."
"I know! No need to count that useless amount of "money" change. You've got all those points!"

You know that these points are useless because you can't get anything for thirty of them. You can't get much for thirty cents, but it counts. You have thirty points? Doesn't matter. Thirty points in anything else matters. ONE point in a basketball game makes a big difference. ONE point in a hockey, baseball, football game matters. One point on a points card? That won't even get you a decent greeting from the person behind the counter.
"How many Q-Tips can I get with the twenty seven points I have?"
"I have twenty seven points? I'm wondering about Q-tips."
"...those points won't even stop the door from hitting you on the way out."
"...will you?"
"Don't try to hit on me. It's pointless. Much like yourself."

All of these point systems need cards so you can use them. All plastic cards that are the exact same as debit cards and credit cards for some reason. Wallets are now just rammed with cards that mostly can't do anything.
"That will be ten dollars."
"Okay, I'll use debit. If I can find it. Nope, these are my butcher shop, tire rotation, lawn mowing, crown replacing, crutch fixing, and pant hemming point cards. That crutch fixing card is a life saver. Twelve hundred more points and I won't have to hobble everywhere. Either way, where the hell are my cards that have actual money?"
"I don't know sir, but you just earned fifty six points on your "holding up a line" card."
"Oh, really? Sweet! Let me find that card as well."
"Yeah... can you hurry up?"

Points are usually accumulated in games that are fun. You get points in card games. You get points in video games. And you get points for buying toilet paper? That's not a good time. Unless you had to shoot through a horde of zombies to buy it, you shouldn't get points for buying toothpaste.
"Hey, how many points did I just earn?"
"One hundred."
"One hundred? Didn't you see me hit both of those zombies over the head with a Swiffer? That's got to be worth at least a thousand a piece. That one almost bit my neck! I could have been a zombie!"
"Those were elderly people, and I have called the cops."
"Good! I'm glad. They'll be able to see I should have more points for this...wait, the real cops? Or the point cops?"

Points in other games don't cost money either. You just earn them. These companies will say, "earn points every time you shop." That makes it sound as if you will get points for shopping the best. As if you shop the fastest, you will get points.
"Whoa! All of your grocery shopping done in ten minutes? That's unbelievable! That deserves a thousand points!"
"I know! I did it by pushing over all the women and children in my way. One woman was holding her baby, and I said "Get out of the way of the Triscuits!" before shoving her into her own shopping cart. I tell you, it wasn't easy."
"Good for you! You really earned this thousand. That woman you pushed is going to be deducted five hundred for not keeping her balance. Now she'll know it's for real out here."

It just goes to show how much people want things for free. We will pay to have things for free. Pay! We will pay money to eventually get the things we are buying for free. You have to pay to get these points! That's not 'earning' points. That's "I bought these damn things". And now, all you have is money that doesn't exist to buy things that you were buying with money!
"Look, I can get a free trip to Florida! I have two million points!"
"How much did that cost to get?"
"Hmm. Probably twelve trips to Florida."
"Worth it?"
"...shut up."