Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Coca Cola/Soda Pop. Open Happiness?

Coca Cola is something we all have had. Since we were kids, it's been something we have wanted to drink, something that has been shown to us on TV, and something we have craved for reasons we don't even know. We've all had it as kids, unless you had parents who didn't have it around at all.
"Kevin! Get that out of the house! Now eat this eggplant and drink this tomato juice."
"But mom! The other kids are all drinking Coke!"
"There are no other kids, Kevin! We live in the woods and I homeschool you!"
The reason I am only really talking about Coca Cola is because they are the biggest company. Even when Pepsi does advertise, their entire campaign is always just, "We taste better than Coke." I mean all pop/soda in general, but Coca Cola has to be one of the worst things that this planet has ever seen as far as human health goes.

Coca Cola’s slogan does not represent that, though. What do they go with? What is the beautiful marketing campaign that they decide to throw on the world? 
"Open Happiness."
Happiness. Open happiness! The gall! The arrogance! How are best friends, anti-depression pills and therapists still in existence when happiness is just a plastic bottle away?
"Ya know, I just can't seem to not be depressed. I was fired from my job because I was spending too much time with my wife. Then, my wife left me for my job. No joke. She is now sleeping with my copy-editing job. You believe that? I'm just so sad."
"Unhappy, huh? Well, open this Coca Cola. You will literally be opening happiness."
"Oh, wow! I feel great! Joy is surging through me! This is amazing! Is this as expensive as you are?"
"God, no, actually waaaaaay cheaper. I am two hundred an hour. The Coca Cola is one dollar."
"One dollar! Holy hell! You're fired! Thanks, 'wife-left-me-for-my-job' forgetting-liquid!"
"...I have to stop telling people about Coke BEFORE I get paid. Oh well, I'll just have a sip... yep, I'm back! Happiness right here!"

You ever see someone pushing a cart full of two liter Cokes? How happy does that guy look? Sweating and panting through an air-conditioned grocery store pushing something that's on wheels. Look how happy he is! He should be in the commercials!
"Ah, I am the happiest person <inhales puffer> on the planet. I have twelve bottles of… <takes insulin needle> Agh! Twelve bottle of Coca Cola, and I couldn't be happier. You should all buy... " <Collapses on the floor. Doctors run in.>
"He's not breathing!"
"Get me a defibrillator!"
<Doctors put the defibrillator to his chest. Man is jarred awake.>
"...Agh! Should all buy Coke! I know I'll keep doing it! Open Hap..." <Man passes back out.>
"That's it, we've lost him."
Voice Over: "Open Happiness!"

Coke knows, though, that that guy won't sell product, so what do they do? Beautiful women are shown drinking Coke. Cute kids are shown drinking Coke. Or – even better than that – polar bears! That is an ingenious way of marketing.
"Wait, we can't show HUMANS drinking this. Are you serious? It's terrible!"
"All right, all right. What about an animal drinking it!? People love animals! What about... polar bears?"
"Are you insane? Polar bears are going extinct! We can't give them carbonation. That'll be it for them!"
"Oh, you're right. People will never buy our product if we're killing polar bears with it. Wait! I got it! How about computer-generated polar bears?"
"...Wow. Now THAT'S why you were voted Most Evil at the Annual Billionaire Awards."
"That and kicking baby seals... hahhaha!"

Coke Cola is a 'Proud Sponsor of the Olympics'. The Olympics! Ahead of broccoli and water? Coke! A commercial will show a guy just crush a hundred meter dash, beating his previous record, then drink Coke. As soon as that commercial is done, you know his trainer is screaming.
"Spit that garbage out! Are you crazy!? We have a real race tomorrow!"
A baseball league full of ten year olds can run on Coke. An Olympic athlete? Not one trainer would have that as part of a regimen.
"What are we doing today, coach?"
"Couple of laps, few sit ups, and polish off that two liter."
"Umm... you know we're competing against pros, not Joes, right?"
"Do you know that I'M the trainer? DRINK THAT HAPPY COKE!"

Coca Cola also likes to go on about how refreshing it is. There is no way someone can tell me that Coca Cola is 'refreshing'. Refreshing? No way. Has anyone ever finished a marathon and reached for a Coke?
"Oh, God. I never thought that race would be over. My mouth is so dry. Where is one of the most sugary, carbonated beverages in the land to help quell this thirst?"
"Yeah. I said 'my mouth is dry'. I need refreshment. REFRESHMENT. What would you suggest if not a black liquid for such a predicament?"
"...Water? Or even Coke’s cousin..."

Coca Cola is cheaper than drugs and just about as addictive. The government decided that cigarettes were no good for adults or children for that reason. Way too addictive and easily obtained by people. What did they do? Put them behind a cabinet.
"If people can't see them, they won't want them!"
"Hey, can I have some cigarettes? I can't see them, but I'm addicted and therefore know they exist."

Coca Cola should be in a cabinet, too. It'll kill people! If we can't sell cigarettes to people without ID for fear it would hurt their health, we should have to check people’s medical history before they can buy Coke.
"What's behind that cabinet, sir?"
"Coke... if you want one, I'm gonna have to see your medical history."
"Here you go. <cough cough>"
"Says here you constantly have headaches and have trouble walking. Come on, buddy. Don't worry about what's back there. Can't help you."

I will never let my kids drink Coca Cola. When I have a kid one day, if I see them drinking one, I will boot the Coke out of their hand.
"Oww. Dad! Why did you do that?"
"You'll thank me when you can still breathe correctly at forty-two."

Coke profits by hurting and capitalizing on poor people. Do you think the people in charge of Coke are drinking Coke? Do you think rich people are drinking Coke? 
"Can you pick me up a Coke when you're in the Louis Vuitton store?"
"A Louis Vuitton Coke?"
"They have those!?"
"Oh, I hope so! I just got myself excited!"

I know that people will say, "If you don't like it, don't drink it." I don't, but that's not the point. People will also say, "Well, of course it's bad for us. If you drink a lot and get sick, that's your problem. Stop drinking it!" Why has Coke and things that are bad for us been able to make people who have no stake in the company defend them? Why always, "Stop drinking it, tubby!" Why aren’t there more arguments of, "Coke’s the problem. Let's burn the factory down! There is nothing good about it!" I can't be mad that poor, unhappy people buy a product that is marketed directly to them and sold at a price that is lower than dirt. I can however be mad at the company that makes it. 

Twitter- @nathanmacintosh