The Kobe Success Commercial

Commercials are a necessary evil, and are everywhere. Commercials have the ability to be funny and entertaining. The Old Spice and Dos Equis commercials are great. Some are condescending. The commercial for Eggies?

"Without them, you'll be up all night peeling eggs!"

No one has lost sleep because of eggs.

"Honey, come to bed."

"I would love to, but SOMEONE boiled a carton of eggs. If I'm in bed by Christmas, I'll be lucky. These damn shells are everywhere!"

Some commercials, however, are just so arrogant, that I'm surprised they are on T.V.

Kobe Bryant's 'Success at Success' commercial is just such a commercial. Nike has gone out of their way to make this pretentious bit of film. Kobe talking to a room full of successful people, telling them that yes, they are successful, but now, it's time to be successful at being successful. Who is this commercial for? The everyman? Doesn't feel that way. This feels as if it's only for billionaires. Feels as though this commercial was filmed at one of the secret concerts at Princes house where.

"Wow, we are all very successful! Come to think of it, while we are all here, let's talk about achieving Success AT Success. Prince? Is okay if the purple snakes leave the room while I address everyone? Their gold teeth, although not venomous as I know you went over, still hurt when they bite."

"...the snakes stay."

"Of course they do! I mean, makes sense. To be here, they have to be the most successful snakes. Slither, my reptilians counterparts. Slither!"

This commercial is the same as showing the world a private video of Tommy Hilfiger on an island only he knows about.

"Hey, guys! Why aren't you here? All you have to do is have more money than some African countries, talk to the Wizard of time and he'll personally fly you through the vortex that brings you here. It's that simple! Also, buying this watch will help."

"Whoa, I gotta get that watch. Look what it did for Tommy! If I get it, I can talk to the Wizard of time!"

It feels as if regular people weren't supposed to see it. As if it accidentally was beamed into our homes. It feels the same as that scene in the movie 'The Witches' when the mice sneak into the witch meeting. Bunch of women talking normally, then boom! They take their faces off and they are witches? Same thing. Those mice weren't supposed to see that! We are not meant to see this commercial. There is nothing here for regular people to relate to.

"Success at success? I work at a call center, Kobe! Yeah, sure. I'll try some success at success. Yesterday I was pretty successful at keeping my soul intact. Maybe today the vending machine will give me an extra Snickers bar by accident. That would be success at success. Not dying inside, two chocolate bars. Pretty decent day for me."

It would be a great commercial if it was just about success. If the commercial was just really successful people talking about success, it could be very inspiring. But no. It's a commercial for shoes. Shoes! Get all of these people in the same room, people with great ideas and great stories, and they hawk shoes to the world.

"Tony Robbins! What should I do to stay motivated? I'm broke, have two jobs I don't like, but am really trying to get a career in music started."

"Well, that's an easy one. Get a size ten and a half of Kobe Bryant's new basketball shoe."

"...but, I... don't play basketball."

"These are not just basketball shoes. They are success-ball-basket-inspire-achievement shoes of motivation! Since I've worn them, I've made two million more dollars."

"Wow, really?!"

"Of course! Nike pays me to put them on. I don't wear them for free!"

What do these shoes have to do with success? Kobe is the only one who can benefit from them! Is jumping higher going to help Tony Robbins motivate people better? Will Kanyes songs be more amazing if his ankles are protected?

"Yo, Kanye, that last song was alright, but I mean...it just sounded as if ANYONE could get to your ankles. Like, if the kid from 'Pet Cemetery' was in the studio, you'd be done."

"You're right! I couldn't figure it out, but now that I look down, I'm wearing slippers! Jesus. Toss me those Success at Success shoes and we'll do it again. Try to get at me now demon baby from the mind of Stephen King! TRY NOW!"

Also, if this is all about success, why is Richard Branson not the star of this commercial? I love Kobe, but he or no one in that room touches Richard Branson. NOBODY there is on the level of Richard Branson. He's trying to start a space program that would allow people to pay to go to space. His own space program! I love your three, Kobe, but it happens here on earth. One day, you might be able to shoot it on the moon, but it will be because of Richard Branson. No one else in that room has been knighted! He is Sir Richard Branson. Sir! Kobe can't tell Richard about success! Makes as much sense as Richard Branson telling Kobe about basketball.

“Kobe, what you need to do is drop your elbow just a bit before you release the shot.”

“Richard, this is what I do.”

“That's Sir Richard. Sir. Maybe you'd be knighted if you listened to a knight when he tells you how to shoot.”

“Have you ever played basket?”

“Oh, have I ever played basketball. Have you ever been the fourth richest person in the United Kingdom? Drop your elbow!”

In the commercial, Richard Branson says he's been to space. Kobe says he has as well. No you haven't! I get that Kobe saying he's been to space means he jumps high, but you can only say you've been to space because you jump high if you are talking to other basketball players and trying to brag. You can't tell a man whose been to space that you have been as well because you can jump!

"I've been to space."

"Ditto."

"...really? I saw a lot of things there. I can't say that I saw you."

"Well, I didn't go per say. I have dunked a basketball, though."

"Oh, I get it now. You were being cute. I made jokes like as well before I had been to space. But since I've been to space, I don't joke about it. I've been to space. Actual space. And unless there is something I'm missing, which I doubt because I have money and influence, you can't jump there."

“...I was just being facetious.”

“Of course you were! Wish I could say the same. It's hard to be facetious though when you have actually exited the earths atmosphere. Anyway, can I get back to telling you about space?”

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtIXGip_7O0

The Oscars

I never watch award shows. This year however, I was excited to see Eddie Murphy. When he bowed out, I decided not to watch, but Billy Crystal stepping in? That made total sense to me. Some people were really upset by how he did. For people to complain about Billy Crystal hosting is hilarious. 

"He's so old! Why can't they get someone younger?"

Whose better as a last minute stand in for a stuffy event such as the Oscars? The entire night is for an older crowd. At first they had Eddie Murphy, who backed out because his friend Brett Ratner took a bunch of heat for saying “rehearsal is for fags.” Now, if you are in the academy, and you took a chance on Eddie, who bails two months prior because of a friends gay slurs, are you really going to try again to look outside of safe?

“Wow, I can't believe he said that and Eddie backed out. Who should we get now?”

“Someone we can trust to not do anything insane. Andy Dick?”

“Already dialing!”

Billy Crystal fits perfectly for the night that they want! Show tunes, dance numbers, inoffensive. Who would be a better host for a show where the audience really doesn't want to be pushed, or believe that there is anything funny about the absolute seriousness of movie making? Soulja Boy?

"And the nominees for Best Actor are...Swag, for his role in Swag. Swag, for being swagful. Big swaggy for his swag hair. Brad Pitt for turning down money in Moneyball. Swag."

The Oscars really are not an awards show for movies. All movies? Absolutely not. If you want your movie to be nominated by the Academy, you better hope that no one calls it a comedy, action, or horror movie. A comedy movie will not win if it doesn't have some absolutely devastating scene in it. I think that's what 'Shawn of the Dead' was going for at the time. 

"A zombie movie has never been nominated for an Oscar."

"We'll change that! How about, the entire movie is a really fun time. It's funny, entertaining, tons of jokes. Then, the last ten minutes, I'll burst into tears and become super serious because I have to kill my zombie mother?"

"Woa, that's deep. Won't that take away from the comedy aspect of the movie though?"

"Screw the comedy aspect! OSCAR!"

There are some pretty concrete formulas for a movie to be nominated for Best Picture. If your movie is less than two and a half hours? Don't even think about it! Throw it right into the trash and try again. I think this is why Judd Apatow makes comedy movies that are longer than Amistad. Does 40 year old Virgin really have an over two hour story to tell?

"Hey, I'm a virgin who happens to be forty years old."

"Okay. We can straighten that out in an hour and a half."

"No. Maybe you didn't hear me. Forty years old. Virgin. At least two hours."

"Yes, yes. You are correct."

If your movie is not a biography on someone's life, you will also have a extremely tough time getting nominated. Movies about someone's life are Oscar gold!

"What is your movie about?"

"It's the real life story of a grocery store manager. This guy...wow. He came up with the idea for the Aisle signs! You know the signs in the aisle that say "Aisle one: Canned products" and so on? He changed the grocery store game! Before that, people just stumbled around for hours looking for beans."

"Hmm, interesting. Does he have a personal life that is crumbling?"

"Of course! See, his kids hate him because he spends more time in the grocery store than he does at home. Work crosses over to home. He places signs up in his house, "Hallway one: Bathroom, linen closet, bedroom". He loses his mind!"

"I smell a best picture nom!"

A movie that has a lot of shots of distant looks in the eyes of the actors will be nominated as well. If your movie trailer shows shots of each person in the movie staring off into what I can only assume is their own personal hell, and also has a title that makes tear up, you can start dusting off the space on your shelf for the Oscar. 

"This summer, a sad man (show man in a chair looking into the distance), a woman with cancer (women in hospital bed looking in the distance), a lost child (show kid standing in a field playing with a dandelion, with a distant look in his eyes), and a dog who thinks it's a cat (show a dog trying to use a litter box, can't figure it out, then looks straight ahead, with a distant look in his eyes). 

"I can't believe that my wife has cancer, my child doesn't know himself, and this dog thinks it's a cat. My eyes tell you that I feel empty and alone." 

This summer, "Things Aren't Always As They Dog Cancer. Only in theatres."

Apparently, good acting only ever means 'serious acting'. 

"Okay, your wife was caught cheating on you in your car that also just flew off a cliff, and the trunk happened to be full of all your belongings. And...action!"

“That seems like a weird turn of events...”

“Cry!”

People can be great actors in movies that are not serious. For instance, reaching back in time as it just came to me, Leslie Nielsen was a good actor in the Naked Gun movies. He's great! He wasn't even a comedy actor. He was a serious actor who acting in some comedies. Would he ever get nominated for those? Nope. Couldn't he have even been nominated for being in movies that were a complete side step for him? 

"You know, this serious actor seriously got me to believe that he was a comedy actor. Nominated!"

Maybe he could have been nominated if he had actually felt the pain that was inflicted on him in the movie.

"Okay, when this blowfish bites your hand because you reached into it's tank to retrieve a pen, scream in absolute agony. I'm feeling an Academy award scene."

I was shocked when The Dark Knight was not nominated for Best Picture in 2008. I never paid too much attention to the Oscars, but after that, never. There was really ten movies in 2008 that were better than The Dark night? Really?! No way. That movie was fantastic. It also followed some of the Oscar formulas. Over two hours? Check. A story of a personal journey? Check. A bio pic? No! No check. That's where it fell off. If a man really becomes Batman before this summer, maybe the next one will have a chance.

Also, are all of the awards necessary? Best sound editing? Best sound mixing? Best film editing? Best Kraft Service table attendant? These are all people that in the drop of a hat actors would scream at for little to nothing. They should have some other awards for these people.

"And now, the nominees for Best defusing sentence when an actress throws a tantrum about the sound mixing...Billy Halfpenny, for the sentence "Please stop screaming at me! I'm doing what I can!" Thomas Evans, for the sentence "Look, you're gorgeous and talented, okay? I just mix sound!" And last but not least, Douglas Trevino for the sentence, "Here's some Jimmy Choo shoes! Don't have me fired!"

The Oscars are sort of ridiculous anyway as apparently, movie companies will send gift baskets, watches and the like to the academy for votes. For votes! That can happen? 

"Please like my movie! Here are some oranges from Marrakech."

You can't even bribe a cop out of a fifty dollar ticket, but you can bribe a prestigious academy with watches that they probably just add to their morning shakes?

"Hmm, another Rolex. I've got tons of these, and can afford one whenever I would like. Let's see how it tastes in this protein shake...hmm, timely. Oh, man. I am a pun master. I will tell my maid the funny I have created, and if she doesn't like it, fire her in front of my children.”

Quit what you hate.

There are way too many people working at jobs that they hate. So many places you go you will be greeted by people who look as though they're on detention.

"Five o'clock? Why do I have to stay so long? Did I do something wrong?"

Quit!

We all have a thresh hold at a job we work that if passed, we should quit. Some people though, reach that thresh hold, then just put up with the job for countless years after. If you've thought about killing someone, quit that job. That's the limit. Not, 
"Oh, I'll quit this when I get something better." 
Nope. When you think of hitting an old woman with a car because she can't figure out which cookie to buy, time to pack it in. That should be asked at jobs.

"Hey, do you like it here?"

"Yeah, I like it."

"Yeah...you ever think about taking a Big Mac and pinging it off a kids head?"

"No! Of course not. I mean, why would I...yeah. You got me! I have. There's just so many kids! Crying 'where's Ronald? Where's Ronald?' Shut up, kid!"

"That's what I thought. Pack it up. We've liked you working here, but you're done. Run free, sir."

I've worked at jobs and had these thoughts. I worked at Starbucks for three years of my life. I joked with customers, sang. Sang! Had a great time! Near the end though, I couldn't stand it. Every time the door would open and a customer would walk in, I would be furious.

"God, what could you possibly want right now! Coffee? There's coffee everywhere! Get out of here!"

It got so bad, that I had a thoughts of taking a coffee urn, hurling it through the air towards the wall of mugs as hot coffee would rain down on customers waiting for drinks.

"Oh, god! The coffee I was waiting for is now falling from the sky! It burns when it's not in a cup! IT BURNS WHEN IT'S NOT IN A CUP!"

Right then I knew I had to get out of there. But I didn't quit then! I stayed for probably another five months. Five miserable months. Hated it everyday. The thoughts just kept coming.

"What if I put a grenade in the urn before I threw it? What if I could only make it blow people up who asked for a certain temperature for their drink? 'Can you make it the same temperature as a golf club that's been laying on Augusta?' BOOM!

There are tons of people that are angry at their job but continue to stay. Too many waitresses who are pissed that people come in, THEN pissed that the people she didn't want there in the first place didn't tip her well! 
"God, why didn't you guys tip me?"
"Are you serious? You audibly said to that other girl, 'if this table of people burst into flames right now it would make my day'." 
"Yah. And?"
Look, we get it, you hate your job. We've all had jobs we hate, but since we all know this, why do we take it out on each other?

"Can I have a sandwich?"

"Jesus man, give me a second."

"Why are you angry?"

"My boss sucks. I was supposed to have a break twenty minutes ago."

"Okay, so why not be mad at him? I didn't do anything to you."

"...you're right! Get your own sandwich. I'm going to punch him in the face...with a sandwich!"

One problem that people have with their job, is it's not the job they think they should have. Most believe they are better than their minimum pay job. Makes sense. We don't live in a "just enough" society. There are no songs in the club about making thirty thousand a year.

"Just made thirty grand, this fiscal year! Gonna hit the bar, and grab one beer! Yeah, I gotta car. It ain't got gas in it. Next weekend I'm going to a concert. Two-For-One tickets.""

No one wants to make thirty thousand dollars a year! And nobody thinks they should.

"What? I'm a baller though! How am I supposed to buy a bottle of Moet, pour it over the hood of my Ferrari while I'm driving with the top down, as Russian ass models are shaking in the passenger seat on a measly thirty thousand dollars a year? Huh? How!"

"I'm not sure. How are you supposed to clean the counter at this Arby's while you stand in here telling me tales about your Ferrari?"

"Counter cleaning my bag, man. I'm a baller!"

"Ball on your own time!"

People who really hate their job tend to think that everyone but the people they know are stupid beyond repair.

"Give me a shot, man. Dealt with a bunch of losers today."

"Rough day at the office?"

"Damn right. Everyone is an idiot. Not you, or anyone else I hang out with. But the other seven billion people? Just idiots, man."

"I hear you. I have six friends I love, therefore they are intelligent, but everyone else? Total dummy! Like this jerk over here. 'Can I get a beer'? What a piece of garbage."

"You said it, man. You said it."

We all need to understand that where we are is where we are. Of course we look to the future to have things to aim for. We should! To achieve the dreams that we want. But, don't be miserable on the journey. If you hate it, just quit! Quit! Make it the best quit ever! I worked at a Call Center for awhile (I've had some jobs), and I hated it! Every day, all day, hated it. It was a call center for a cellphone company, so people called to pay bills, scream about bills, and tell me they were going to blow someone up. I worked there five days a week, and I would call in sick four of the five days. Everyone that worked there just complained about the calls they would get during the day. Depressing is not even the word for it.

"This guy called and said this, he sai..."

"He said this?!"

"Well, there was more to the story but you cut me off."

"That's crazy! I had a customer that called me today, that said blah, blah, blah, I've really beaten my inner child and the happiness that I was going to have in this life time to death by working here, blah blah blah. Can you believe that I used to feel?"

I couldn't stand this place. So, one day, myself and a friend of mine decided to quit. The call center had Christmas lights all around the building. When they were red, it meant it was busy and calls would be non stop. Yellow meant you might have a bit of a break between calls, and green meant it was slow. My friend and I decided that we were going to hang up on people and see if we could make the light go from red to green. I hung up on probably four hundred people. That light didn't change at all! When I did take calls it was only to mess with people.

"I'd like to check my minutes."

"Check your minutes? What are you talking about? I'm at home with my wife!"

"...does your wife have any idea how many minutes I've used?"
"She better not!"

I transferred people to Spanish care just because! Spanish care was for anyone who spoke Spanish. Were the people I sent to Spanish care people who spoke Spanish? Absolutely not.

"Can I check my minutes?"

"Yep. I'll just transfer you to the minutes department."

"...¿Hola, cómo puedo yo ayudarle?

"What the hell?!"

I'd hang up and laugh for ten minutes. I tried to walk out mid way through the day, but they made me do an exiting interview on why I was leaving. The man doing it had to write down everything I said.

"Why are you leaving?"
"Because this place takes souls. It is Shang Tsung."
"...Okay. What would make you come back here?"
"If you guys bulldozed it, and made it into a McDonald’s."
"...come on, man. I have to write these down."
"Yep. Write that one in all caps."
Then myself and my friend left, walked in the rain eating frozen pizza pockets and went to see Friday Night Lights. Great day.


"But, I need money to live! I need this job, I can't quit. I need money!"
Yeah, we all need money. We also all need to not have dark, twisted hearts from doing things we hate to enjoy the things that we do. If you do something you hate to do for eighty percent of your time, that twenty percent of things you do like will suffer. We've all met people who hate everything because they aren't happy with their job.
"Wow, this sunset is gorgeous."
"Psssh, yeah. I guess. If you like the color orange. Personally? It lasts too long. And EVERYday?"


No job is worth being unhappy. None, not one. None.
"But I make eighty thousand dollars a day!"
"Are you happy when you're there?"
"...well, I think about running down school children in an old bus I fashioned an assault rifle to from time to time, but other than that, yeah. EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! A day!"
"Yeah, but you want to kill kids!"
"No, not all the time. Just forty five hours a week, nine to six, five times a week. That's it. There's tons of hours in a week! EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!"