'Oh Hungry? O-zempic!'

Well, we did it. We ate ourselves into bigger booths, bigger cup holders, and shoes that we don't have to lace up. 

'Just slip them on! Why tie your shoes when you can't see them anyway?! Grab this pair of Slinky Socks too!''

We've eating ourselves out of amusement park rides, seats on planes and any European clothing. 

'What do you mean you don't have this beefeater hat in a 9 wide!?!'

We've eaten ourselves into mobility scooters at 40, pain medication for our knees at 30 and sleep apnea machines that are now in such demand there are travel sizes. 

'Alright everyone, remove your belt, your shoes, and put your CPAP gas masks things in the tray... yes, sir, even the slip on shoes and need to come off… Slinky Socks are fine.’

Now this isn't ENTIRELY our fault. Companies that sell us fattening/debilitating food spend MILLIONS of dollars in advertising. Broccoli does not have ads. Asparagus doesn't have Ice Spices ass in front of it. Blueberries are not endorsed by anybody. But McDonalds, Burger King, Arby's (I know), and Wendy's absolutely do. Bright, beautiful commercials with comedy and celebrity telling you how great the Spicy Chicken Cheese Big Bacon Mac Whop Krinkle Cut Fries are. And they're so cheap! $1.99 for 7 sandwiches?! 86 cents for a bucket of biscuits?! Who can resist!

You'd think at that price the food would taste bad, that price a burger would just be a cows hoof with BBQ sauce on it and it would taste, well, like a hoof and A1. However, nope, it tastes great. Because as well as the marketing budget, these companies hire scientists (maybe elves?) to figure out the exact right combination of sugar, salt, and Red Dye Number 9 that makes these things irresistible. So irresistible that at one point people were FIGHTING for Popeyes chicken sandwich. Fighting! Fists to faces! You've never seen a punch thrown in a produce aisle over carrots. No kicks thrown over cumquats. Not even leg drop ever over the 'only around once a year' Sumo Oranges.

So with the marketing, the price, and the sweet sweet elf (scientist?) created taste that afterwards leaves us feeling tired, angry, and depressed, we have become sleepless, shoeless and overweight. For awhile we fought this with the 'Body Positivity' movement, but there can only be so many low speed mobility scooter crashes at Wal-Mart before something has to change. Would eating differently be the thing? Exercising more? Not a damn chance. Sweating and eating spinach? These companies don’t want you doing that. They’d you rather only be able to wear t shirts with cute cats or slogans like 'My Other Cars Your Wife' on them. So these companies have yet again come to the rescue. They sell us the poison and the antidote, which could very well be poison. 

'Oh Hungry? O Zempic!' could EASILY be an ad for this wonder drug that you shoot into your stomach like a junkie who used up all of spots on their arm. The miracle cure to obesity. With Ozempic, your brain is told in a way that can't be anything short of horrific that you are NOT hungry! That you DON'T want that McWhopper Big Rib Beef And Cheddar Combo... which if you did is on sale for 'Buy 1 Take A Trough Of Them With You' until August. 

Ozempic, the wonderful weight loss drug that wasn't made for weight loss at all, is all the rage. And people ARE losing weight! They're losing weight, muscle, and any semblance of a face that won't scare children. Just like food companies did when they made their Chili Cheese Burger Dogs In A Boat, a food that has absolutely zero nutritional value, they've done that with their cure as well. Don't want to sweat? Ozempic. Want to lose a bunch of weight right away? Muscle counts as weight... Ozempic! The best thing about Ozempic, currently, because it has not been around long enough to see if there actually are any, there's no side effects! 10 years ago vaping had no side effects. 40 years ago fast food was just FASTER food. It wasn't BAD. It was NOW! So right now is the PERFECT time to try the drug that you have to INJECT into your STOMACH. Planet Fitness should use this in their commercial instead of bagels.

'Buddy! You taking steroids!?'

'No. Appetite suppressors. Want a hit?'

'DON'T BE THIS D BAG! GET ON AN ELIPITCAL!'

The issue here as always is peoples need for RIGHT NOW. RIGHT. Now. And the companies that are willing to produce it for us. Because why not make money even it hurts people? Why not be able to buy a yacht, float around in the ocean eating lobster and throwing the empty shell at your staff, while people on the shore look haunted and have had one raisin in six days because of the drug you sell? Why not! Why not have to walk around looking at crypt keepers that you created as long as you are wearing red bottom shoes while you beat your housekeeper?

There are some cases where this COULD be a good thing for some. Potentially. Right now though Ozempic is so popular just about everyone is going it to lose any kind of weight. Nobody gets gastrointestinal surgery and has an elastic band put on their stomach to lose ten pounds. People ARE needling themselves in the stomach to lose them though. People are taking medication away from diabetics so that by Thursday they can lose that last six and REALLY impress this person they don’t really like anyway.

Sadly, and we hate this, we HATE it... some things should be hard. Some things need to be challenging. Sometimes, struggle benefits us. Humans. The non yacht owners who have to throw the lobster shells from the crustacean we eat MAYBE once a year at ourselves. People, us, human beings, NEED to do hard things. It helps our brains. It helps our bodies. It helps us be able to brag. 

'Why write your book? Ask Chat GPT to do it then just change the title!'

Because nothing is learned here. Nothing is gained. You feel no sense of accomplishment. You feel no sense of improvement. You don't sit and work and use your brain. You sit back, covered in cheese, while Sam Altmans creation writes your book 'Sitting Back Covered In Cheese 2: Gouda' for you. 

'Why eat differently? Why work out? Take this needle to the gut and watch the weight DRAIN OUT OF YOUR EYES!'

Well, yet again, because you will feel awful. Working out is not a party. Getting up, putting on shoes, and doing ANYTHING truly sucks at points. It sucks. However you feel better when you do. Wearing your Asics on an elliptical for even ten minutes feels better than throwing those Asics out the window and drinking ten minutes of Tik Tok with your face. If you take a 'miracle' drug to the tum tum to lose weight, you gain zero. Sure, you might LOOK better faster IN THE SHORT TERM, but THEN, then, your eyes fall into your skull, actual muscle leaves your body, your limbs atrophy and you need to be carried from couch to toilet while somebody holds your phone in front of your decrepit face so you can drink ten more minutes of Tik Tok.

'Oh wow, look at the cats...' you cough, as your other bicep falls off.

Or! We can say no to the companies that want us immobile, chugging blue cheese while getting thinner, and say yes to making life a little bit harder, while at the end of the day feeling better for i.... wait! The MCRIB IS BACK!... Forget everything I said*...

*Jams An Ozempic Needle Into His Crouch And Hits The Drive-Thru

First appeared on The Techno Skeptic. Link below. Check out their site!

Techno Skeptic Ozempic

The Tech Leaders Eyes Are Horrific

Friday The 13th. Nightmare On Elm Street. Halloween. None of these have anything on the eyes of the tech industry leaders. Freddy Krueger trying to kill teens in their dreams has NOTHING on the dark, dead, darty, twitchy eyes of the tech men who have much too much power in how we think. Jason Vorhees, talking to his dead mother and stomping through the Camp Crystal Lake muck to kill, yet again, teens, doesn’t come CLOSE to the fear generated by trying to make eye contact with these vibrating, viciously cold, violently distant eyes of the tech titans who float through the oceans on seventy seven million dollar yachts. Michael Myers? Please. Slowly crawling through Haddonfield with a bread knife to kill one specific person? Not even KIND of as frightening as the windows to the deceased souls of these circuit board loving mutants. Don’t believe me? Take a look.

MARK ZUCKERBERG’S EYES

If you had the choice of being chased by Freddy or these face globes, which are you choosing? Freddy was funny. Entertaining. Man told jokes before he killed you. These eyes don’t ease ANY pain before turning your Uncle into a comment pumpkin. These are the eyes of a man who loves it when your Aunt punches a keyboard in anger while fighting with someone she doesn’t know. The eyes of a guy who needs YOU to use his apps while telling his own kids not to. Freddy would inevitably stab you with his knife finger glove, but he will look you in the eyes when he does it.

ELON MUSK’S EYES

Do these seem like the eyes of a man who’s going to take us to mars? The eyes of a guy who truly cares about free speech on his 1/3 of porn titled app? Or do they seem like the eyes of a guy who would scare PinHead, who is a demon thing from another dimension who’s best friends are a guy without lips and other guy whose skin is being peeled off by hooks? These are the eyes of someone who will try to get you to believe the CyberTruck is cool and almost nothing is scarier than that.

‘Well, I mean, look at it. It looks like a truck that Robocop would drive, and, it can’t go in the rain but it’s ONLY 100k and I mean, it’s got CYBER in the title so you know it’s pre….’

‘AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! Please! I have a family!’

JEFF BEZO’S EYES

You’re driving an Aston Martin in the French Alps, James Bond style. You decide to ‘hit the jets’, (go a bit faster), and the car spins out of control. You careen to the edge, crashing through the barricade, you’re screaming, you’re in complete fear, and then you think about this mans eyes… and you REALLY get scared. Falling off this cliff into a fiery luxury car death is not NEARLY as terrifying as looking into the eyes of this complete ‘piss in a bottle or I’ll fire you’ psycho. Chucky himself would shudder at the thought of having to stare into these pools of hell.

SAM ALTMAN’S EYES

When you looked under your kid as a bed you THOUGHT it was for the Boogeyman. It was actually for this mans absolutely terrifying eye socket windows. THIS man, with the same amount of ability to connect to a human that an Anaconda has, with THESE EYES, is fully pushing OpenAI for the ‘betterment’ of humanity. There is NOBODY, nobody, with eyes like this that care about humanity. A tarantula isn’t worried about whether you can write that report faster. Not one scorpion is thinking about how much time you could save having a ghost robot do your thinking for you, and THIS MAN, with THESE Sub-Zero eyes? Also doesn’t.

And here, this tech leader (comedian) imitating the others. Check DOWN WITH TECH below

4 Reasons It's Sad Diners Are Closing

Diners have been in a decline in New York over the last few years. One reason is the pandemic, another is rising rents, another is younger people aren’t going into the diner business. Why WORK at a diner when you can start a YouTube channel where you REVIEW diners and make a million a year from views alone and be sponsored by ManScaped? There’s no one working at a diner sponsored by nothing.

‘You guys ready to order? And before you tell me let me tell YOU about BetterHelp. BetterHelp allows you to get therapy from the comfortable of your own bed, toilet, or cold plunge. Why see a therapist in person when you’re too full of anxiety to even take a phone call? Try BetterHelp today with promo code ‘Your Server’ and get 20% off. BetterHelp. Get that thing about your dad off your chest by texting a bot from the tub…’

‘… Can I get sweet potato fries?’

Diners have things that others restaurants just don’t, and if they keep closing, for condos or tech start ups or yet another smoke shop/ping pong place/parking lot, these things are going to disappear. Here are four of these things.

1. HUGE MENUS

   Diners have it all. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch, after hours breakfast lunch dinner lunch. Cereal. Cake. Steak. Mozza sticks. Cinnamon toast. Perogies and chicken parm and onion on a burger in a burger . Every diner should just be called ‘We got it!’, because they have everything you could even possibly want in there. It’s like being in Richie Rich’s pantry. Sixty two page menu with any type of thing you could think of. And, if for some reason, you scan through this biblically sized thing and DON’T find something you want? A diner will make it for you.

   ‘Look I’m having a weird day. Possible to get fruit loops in my Monte Cristo sandwich with a bowl of soup?’

   ‘… Wife leave you for your kids pan flute teacher?’

   ‘Yeah! How’d you know?’

   ‘Worked here a long time, man. I’ve seen it all. How would you like your Fruit Loops cooked?’

2. OPEN 24/7

   Can you go to Chili’s at 2am? Is Applebees serving their ‘Bottomless Wing Shrimp Cocktail With Cheese’ at 3:58am? No. Everyone working there has been in a dive bar doing coke for hours at this point. A diner? Buddy. She’s open. Doesn’t matter when you’d like extra crispy bacon with your rice pudding. Diners open and diners got it. Pull in here whenever you want. Lunch at 8am. Dinner at 9am. Waffle made entirely of whipped cream at 1:26am. Who cares. She's open and she’s got it.

3. EVERY WALK OF LIFE WELCOME

   Can you see a guy who’s lived in a van for the last six years sitting at a table next to a table of businessmen at a steakhouse? Will you see a group of drunk college students in a booth beside two women who are on the run from their husbands and met Brad Pitt and will ultimately drive off a cliff at that new seafood restaurant? No. This type of intermingling only happens at a diner. The young. The elderly. The sick. The tired. The construction worker. The lawyer. The newly unemployed and the just had an interview. The people living above ground and the cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. All walks of life come through these doors.

4. ALL TYPES OF CONVERSATIONS

   Due to the fact that every walk of life comes through here, every type of conversation is being had in here. At all levels as well. Some people are talking about that thing the doctor found on their bag at a VERY loud level, while someone who holds the keys to the universe is whispering them to their friend. You can hear a woman talking to a hitman about killing her ‘lumpy, crumpled dick, absolute loser’ husband, and a guy talking about how he’s going to propose to his ‘unlumpy, non dicked, pretty cool’ girlfriend on your way to the bathroom. Cop talking about the weight of the belt he has to wear, teacher talking about the kid that bit her when she took his Nintendo Switch, the Nintendo Switch sitting alone trying to decide between Key Lime Pie or the BBQ Buster Burger, it’s all here. And it might not be at some point soonish. So get into a diner, at any time, for anything, to talk about everything, today.