Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Category: Robots

8 Measurements Of Hot Future Christmas's Will Be

This Holiday season is a hot one! We're taking habanero pepper hot. We're talking banana pepper hot. We're talking any pepper other than green hot. We're talking HEAT baby. Christmas itself is forecast right now to be as nice as a spring day. Hot Chocolate will be able to be made by just leaving a cup of cold chocolate outside and letting the sun do it's job. This so far is one of the hottest winters in recent history, and will only get hotter. How hotter? Lot hotter. 

Opening Night To A Star Wars Movie Hot

If you've walked the earth that last forty years, you know these are HOT. Piping hot. Scald your bag hot. Waiting in a hallway with a ton of people wearing a jedi robe with butter on their hands hot. Weathermen are going to have a day on Tatooine with this. 

'It's a hot one out there. It's like a ten year wait between Star Wars movies hot! It's a brand new director and a different direction of a beloved franchise hot! Toss your shirt in the trash and get the sunscreen! George Lucas has nothing to do with this heat!'

Charlie Sheen After That Interview Hot

Woa, baby. You remember this. Tiger Blood. After this? Sheen was hotter than a grilled cheese sandwich covered in Frank's Red Hot. Sheen was hot enough to turn water into tea as he stomped past. The man went from being a person who had never performed on stage to selling out huge places to screaming fans. Weatherman's going to have a field day with this.

'This Christmas, expect to be winning with this unseasonal heat! It's hot enough to call your boss a faggot and still be able to sell out theatres! Santa will have poetry in his fingertips tonight!'

Grilled Cheese Covered In Franks Red Hot Hot

Woa, daddy. You ever pick up a grilled cheese sandwich right out of the pan? Yow, that'll burn you. You ever then toss Frank's Red Hot on the top and take a bite of this damn this? Wooooo, daddy your mouth burning. Your mouth BURNing. When your mouth is on fire like that, you will KNOW that it is about time to open presents under the tree. Weathermen are going to be snapping their gums to this.

'It's a hot one out there today. Merry Christmas and take a sip of that milk yourself. If Santa can see through this fog, he MIGHT be able to make it to you house. Hot cheese weather out there.'

Camp Fire Hot

Ever been near a camp fire? Ever fallen in and burnt your left leg, your dominate leg? Ever try to put the fire out with your right leg and fall over into the fire? Then you KNOW how awful this Christmas is going to be. It's going to feel like two burnt legs on an upcoming Christmas. The weather man on this day will be holding a flashlight under his chin telling creepy stories about monsters that live in the woods to this one.

'Tonight's forecast? OOOooooooooo..... Hot. Santa will be covering himself in bug spray to block the mosquito's from his face hot. He'll be wearing a mesh tank top. Put ice cubes in those glasses milk, everyone, his mouths gonna be dry!'

Fish Grease Hot

This is a Christmas you're going to want to stay away from.  Fish Grease is HOT. HOT baby. You can't cook fish in cold grease. That would just be a soggy piece of fish. You need that grease to be HOT. Mars hot. Inside of a mouth, hot. This Christmas is going to be spitting oil in your face hot. When's it fish grease Christmas, you can kiss your undies goodbye. It'll just be napkins over the crotch kind of hot.

Napkin Over The Crotch Hot

Oooooo, this one here? THIS will be a hot Christmas. This Christmas will be SO HOT, that even Hanes, breathable, affordable, comfortable Hanes, will be like putting a furnace on your genitals. The ONLY thing you'll be able to toss over the jewels is a White Castle napkin. 

'What about a KFC napkin?'

Try them out. You'll see. White Castle napkins have the lowest thread count of any napkin. White Castle napkin is the ONLY breathable, affordable, comfortable napkin for your privates on this hot Christmas. 

Hollywood Hogan in '97 Hot

If you were old enough to remember this, you know this is a Christmas you're going to be walking in thong sandals in. Hogan in '97 was HOT. Hot, daddy. Man was cooking eggs just by looking at them. Bread was becoming toast when Hogan walked by. Then that toast became French Toast if he stayed in the room a minute. Man could leg drop an ice berg and melt it he was so hot. This Christmas is going to be twenty thousand screaming fans in an arena hot. Weathermen are going to be ripping their shirts off on this one.

'Well we're standing next to a mountain, chop it down, with 32 degrees celsius this Christmas! Standing next to a mountain, and it's 32 degrees celsius, on Jesus birthday!'

Snow Will Be Talked About In Past Tense Hot

Christmas keeps getting hotter, and snow on Christmas will be a distant memory. Snow will be shown on Christmas in museums. Snow on Christmas will be in history books. People will talk about it. 

'Remember snow?'

'Yeah, I remember snow, Gary. I remember snow, blockbuster, Pepsi Blue. Any other GEMS to drop today, GARY?'

'.... No.'

'It's snowing' will never be said again. Soon will be replaced with sand. You'll know it's Christmas time when the world outside your window looks like Mad Max. 

'Look! The cars covered in sand! People are walking around wearing goggles with scarves wrapped around their faces! It's Christmas time in the city!'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Human Like Robots. Do we need them?

Every couple of weeks there is some horrifying, pseudo horror movie footage of robots that scientists have been cooking up in their death labs. Lumbering, unbelievably scary robots stumbling through a bunch of boxes set up to mimic wooded terrain. A giant, creepy robot that is LEARNING to walk the way we do. Am I the only one disturbed by this? They should string these videos together and release them as a horror movie.

'Oct 18th, see the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your life.'

'Noooo, no! Stop stumbling like that! STOP IT!'

'This Halloween.... The Future!'

Why do we want human robots? For war? Is that the deal?  If we're making them for war, OKAY, but, there's no way they'll be used just for that. No. Way. Drones were apparently made for war, now they're taking pictures of people in their houses, or dropping off packages for Amazon. These human robots will be the same. A robot FedEx driver is coming. I heard recently they are talking about having robotic umpires. Umpires! No more guy who used to watch his dad cry at the ballpark when some of his chili dog splashed onto this favourite jersey. Now, a dead eyed, unfeeling, 'does not care at all' about this game umpire. That would completely destroy play reviews. Would be done.

'Ooooo, robot ump calls that safe, but the teams coach wants a review.'

'I REVIEWED IT SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE I MADE THE CALL. I AM MACHINE. I EVEN REVIEWED THE REVIEW. HE'S SAFE.'

'Ooooo, and the coach is coming out of the dug out to have a word with this bot from hell. Oh mama! And the robot rips the coach in half! Dear daddy, this game is heated.'

Have we not seen the movies about these things? Do we some how think we are better than writers in Hollywood? So many times, writers have written about some disgustingly gross company making robots that were meant to help people, but alas! The damn human like robot that the disgustingly gross company made wants to eat kids!

Honestly, what is everyone's fascination with seeing things from movies twenty years ago come to life? Video phones. Robot warriors. Devices that do every single thing that can be done. Doesn't it seem that scientists have been hired to make things that we all saw in movies in the 80's?

'Hey, Total Recall was cool? How about making that machine that sends you on vacation without actually sending you on vacation? That didn't have any problems. And woa! You see Terminator? So sweet. Get to making that robot that protected the kid. NOT the other one. To repeat. Helpful, fun, protect a kid bot. NOT death, sharp, liquid metal robot.'

'That 'protect a kid' robot started out as a bad guy, 'kill the kid' robot.'

'Hey, I'm talking, buddy. OH. And what about that ED 209 robot from Robocop?! Get too it, guys. I'll be in my office if you need me, drinking the blood of rare birds.'

Two things are going to be ending up happening with these robots. One, people will have sex with them. That's fact. There is no WAY a human like robot will be made that someone isn't gonna want to hit.

'Woa! Look at this thing. What's it do?'

'This robot cleans your house.'

'Sweeeeet. You can sex it, right?'

'Ah... no. This robot cleans you...'

'Ohhhhh, it'll clean something alright. Clean my DI...!'

'Sir, please. There's kids around.'

'Whatever. Rap up my sex bot. I'll pull my truck around. It'll be the one with the guy who's ROCK HARD in the front.' *slaps robots ass*

These robots will also be used for very menial things. Why? Nobody wants to do anything. Example of that is self driving cars. At first, they were talked about for taking over long haul truck driving. Instead of forcing a person with a soul to drive for DAYS for barely any money, they would be robotic. I'm not for this either. Just treat trucker drivers better. Now though, self driving cars. Why buy a damn car if you aren't going to drive it? 

'Just bought this.'

'How's it drive?'

'Good, man. Just kick my feet up and do NOTHING. I'm on my phone. Where I REALLY want to be. All the time I save not steering this car that I bought? Buddy. I am REALLY getting a lot of texts out.'

People are always talking about wanting more time. Trying to get away from doing life things to have more time. What in the hell do people want to do with all the time that they 'save'? Party? Vacation? The reason you like doing things like these is because there are things that you don't want to do that you have to do to be able to do the things you want to do. The beach isn't the best if you can just go there whenever you want. If you don't have to do anything tedious, the things you really like will become tedious. A lot of time is spent doing things tedious. Grocery shopping, buying clothes, walking to a place. That's life.  Why are we trying to do absolutely nothing? 

'This is so sweet! I have robots that do everything for me. Make food, pick up my kids, have sex with my wife. Now I can do the things I really want to do! Sort these coins. I love sorting coins. Alllllright. Let's do..... Ugh. Sorting coins sucks. Back to my phone.'

That'll be what happens.  We'll use these damn robots to do things for us so that we can play Candy Crush. Guaranteed. But then, people will not want to use their phones. We'll have robots that do that. We'll have robots that check our phones for us, so that we can just sit down and do NOTHING. Just sit down, stare at a wall, and do NOTHING. 

'What's happening on my phone, robot?'

'TEXTS. FACEBOOK LIKES. LIKE TO RESPOND?'

'Ahhhh. I'm chilling.' *goes back to staring at hands.*

These scientist should be stopped. Currently, they are doing two awful things. Creating robots that are not needed and for sure will kill us, and ignoring children they have that will maybe kill them or one of us. 

' i have to make a human like robot.'

'You know that you created an ACTUAL human, right?'

'Yeah, but it runs on blood. Not good enough.'

Go hug the people you created, scientists. Leave the other one you are trying to create alone.

@nathanmacintosh

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